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  #1  
Old 01-18-2010, 09:18 PM
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Default My husband is incarcerated and I've met another man

I am fairly new to this site and I have been reading a lot of stories, problems, well given advice, support, & everything in between. I really feel horrible posting what I am about to post because it makes me look like a horrible person, but I need to let it out. I have been holding this in for a few days now and I feel as if I am going to explode...
so here it goes ~

my best friend & husband is in prison thats my relationship to the prison system. Last week, I met a wonderful man out here on the outside. Can I say it was like love at first site even though I am married? I don't I should. We went out the other night (nothing happend, just dinner). And I think I am falling for this man waaay too fast & waaay too strong. Trust me, I don't want to have these kinds of feelings for someone else but when your spouse has been away for sooo long, I guess us as women we're just too sensitive or something or want some kind of emotional bond with someone. I don't know, I do know I am getting myself into a sad/emotional situation. I just want to cry thats all I want to do.

May I ask, if anyone else has been in a situation like this?
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Old 01-18-2010, 09:27 PM
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Well i'm sorry but not all of "us as women" want attention elsewhere, and I already have a hell of an emotional bond.. with my boyfriend.

As for your situation, the fact that you saw this guy out and had an instant attraction to him does not mean it is ok to go on a date with him. it doesn't matter if nothing physical happened, you are still cheating. you knew what you were doing when you chose to go out with him, and he should never have even gotten your number, in my opinion.

So, if your bond is soo strong with this new guy then you need to decide what you are going to do. as in, before you go out with him again. Don't continue to cheat on your husband just because you aren't sure what you want or don't want to tell him.

what you are doing is not fair to these men. and if the new guy knows you are already married, he's not such a great man is he?

I don't think its very fair that you recieve love and attention from 2 different men, yet they each have to make do with 1/2 a persons love. you can't give your full love to 2 men at once, and why would you want to?

Last edited by chelseagreg1427; 01-18-2010 at 09:29 PM..
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Old 01-18-2010, 09:31 PM
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Yes, quite a few people around here have been in your situation. Well, most of them are not here anymore bc this kind of thing rarely ends well. I'm sure some will be along shortly.

You are brave to post this. I hope you have thick skin.
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Old 01-18-2010, 09:36 PM
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Only you know what's in your heart. And you should do whatever is best for you.
And I don't think its fair that you be lonely, just because your husband is behind bars. Everyone's situation is different. Perhaps if most inmates thought about their wives/girlfriends cheating on them, maybe they wouldn't have committed the crimes that landed them in prison. Just my opinion. And yes, I am a gf of an inmate!
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Old 01-18-2010, 09:37 PM
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I respect you for being HONEST about your situation, but sweetie that is NOT ok. I know the yearning for that physical and emotional attention is there but you are a married woman. You didn't specify the type of relationship that you and your husband have...is he easy to talk to, is he affectionate when u see him, etc. But either way, developing feelings for another man is cheating.
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Old 01-18-2010, 10:10 PM
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Lots of women have had your situation. You don't have to have a man in jail to have these problems. The fact is you CAN have a loving, affectionate fulfilling relationship with a man who is incarcerated JUST as easily as one who isn't. Every relationship has it's difficulties.

I think you need to take a step back. If your man wasn't in jail/prison would you still be attracted/dating this other guy? If your answer is yes, you need to let your husband know and let him go. If you wouldn't then all that energy you are putting into this new relationship needs to go back into your marriage. Only you know the answer. What you are doing is not fair to either man NOR to you. If you keep both all three of you will lose and if you have kids with your man you will hurt them too. The ball is in your court
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Old 01-18-2010, 10:24 PM
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there is nothing easy about having a husband who is incarcerated we all know that. riding thru a bid is not for everyone. i do not think that marriage is disposable at all unless you have exhausted all means of repair. going on a date was wrong but your made of flesh we all have to be honest and say its very lonely at times with our men locked up over mistakes they chose to make. emotionally its a battlefield and is physically exhausting. in being perfectly honest with your self if you were the one in prison how would you want him to act with members of the opposite sex? i have found that if i dont put my self in a situation where something could happen that would be inappropriate toward my marriage then i dont have to battle the desire for physical contact or making two wrongs and finding self justification on my cheating. i have never cheated on him but it aint been easy at all. in fact it has been painful every time the wind blows! LOL
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Old 01-18-2010, 10:30 PM
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Im glad you posted this, thats what we are all here for. But you are going to get some really raw opinions on this topic.

Now i DO NOT agree with entertaining other men while you are married period. I think you need to stop seeing this guy and figure out what you are missing with your husband. You owe it to your marriage to fix this. Your husband is the partner YOU chose until death do you part. This other guy is irrelevant. You made the decision to stay married to him after he went to prison, im sure you didnt think this would be a walk in the park. If you feel no emotional connection than you need to get to the bottom of it, WITH YOUR HUSBAND!!!! You havent done anything to bad yet so its not too late. You are most likely not in love with this other man, im sure its just may be the free world mans attention, but you are a women who is spoken for. Remember the vows you made.

Please stop this run away train, i have NEVER seen these situations end well.
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Old 01-18-2010, 10:39 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rodeointx View Post
there is nothing easy about having a husband who is incarcerated we all know that. riding thru a bid is not for everyone. i do not think that marriage is disposable at all unless you have exhausted all means of repair. going on a date was wrong but your made of flesh we all have to be honest and say its very lonely at times with our men locked up over mistakes they chose to make. emotionally its a battlefield and is physically exhausting. in being perfectly honest with your self if you were the one in prison how would you want him to act with members of the opposite sex? i have found that if i dont put my self in a situation where something could happen that would be inappropriate toward my marriage then i dont have to battle the desire for physical contact or making two wrongs and finding self justification on my cheating. i have never cheated on him but it aint been easy at all. in fact it has been painful every time the wind blows! LOL
Also, you falling for this man way too soon may have a lot to do with that loneliness and you trying to fulfill that void.
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Old 01-18-2010, 10:55 PM
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Personally, I'm glad that you posted! After all, PTO is supposed to be a place for non-judgmental support, correct? Besides, I don't think there's any two of us that can define "cheating" as the same exact thing in each relationship. For example, one woman might feel disrespected if her guy does so much as to LOOK at another female - where as another female could give a rats arse if her guy LOOKS at another female, as long as there's no physical contact involved.

Sorry, back to the OP. In the year that I've been posting on here, I've seen plenty of posts from women that have been confused. You're not a bad person, just a confused one. Lord knows that in the 6 years I've been with my boyfriend, I've definitely had my share of confusion! Did you & your husband have previous marital issues? This lifestyle is not for everyone. Marriages fall apart in the real world, too. But as someone already said, do you think that perhaps this man is just filling that "intimacy/physical void" that you don't think your husband can provide because of his incarceration? Maybe you should take a step back from all of it & really think about what you want/need. If you can't ride this out with your man, I think - IMO - that you need to be honest with your husband & let him know now. Waiting only makes it worse. It isn't fair to your husband for letting him THINK that you're gonna ride it out with him. It isn't fair to the new guy to lead him on under false pretenses. And you aren't being fair to yourself either.

I hope you get things figured out & squared away! And don't be afraid to post when you need opinions or help. That's what we're all here for.
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  #11  
Old 01-18-2010, 11:14 PM
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Alright, let me see if i can try to catch up here.

First off, let me say that i DONT agree that your "seeing" another man while your husband is away. But i do understand what you mean about the affection.
I think its an attention thing really, your man is away, and you miss the love, attention and affection that he shows you, and YES, lots of woman love that feeling.
I personally, love the feeling. i love the attention. But i dont like it from anyone other than my man. Yes he is incarcerated, yes it is hard at time not to have him here, but its a natural thing.

Did you sleep with this man? or just go out?

I am not looking down on you, or going to talk bad to you, because i know where your coming from, but i think you need to weigh out the odds and the evens on both men, and decide which one you want to be with. And let the other man know. I think you need to be honest with your husband and tell him you have feelings for this man whether you decide to stay with him or not.

Good luck!!
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Old 01-18-2010, 11:31 PM
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I am so sorry that you are feeling so lonely that it has come to this and while I will say that I don't think it is right to date someone else when you are married, I agree with some of the posters who said we are all flesh and find ourselves in tough situations. I also agree that you should evaluate you and your husband's relationship and also yourself. Not to say that something is wrong with you, that's not what I mean but there must be some things in your relationship or your life that has made you feel like doing something you normally wouldn't do. I only say this because if you willfully did this, you wouldn't have written this post asking for our help, you would have just done it and went about your business. I do believe you have a conscience, don't let any one on here tell you otherwise.

You are very brave to post this. Just be prepared for some very harsh criticism from some people.

Just remember to do what is best for you. That doesn't necessarily mean leaving your husband to be with this man or seeing them both because that is a situation that may be just as bad or worse for you than continuing to be lonely while your husband is in jail. And if you decide that your husband isn't the one you should be with, try to exhaust all posibilities first and then make sure to close that door before opening a new one.
That is just my opinion on it. I wish you the best.
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Old 01-18-2010, 11:39 PM
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It takes a strong woman to "stand by ur man" while hes locked up, not everyone can deal w it....but cheating on ur husband isnt the answer, u need to make a decision asap. I do wish u the best of luck though
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Old 01-18-2010, 11:56 PM
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Your first thought is NOT your responsibility, but what you do with it is. Where your feet are and what your hands are doing are all you have control over.

in other words

ultimately you are responsible for your own actions and the feelings of the people they affect.
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Old 01-18-2010, 11:57 PM
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I know it get lonely a lot of nights, u r not alone "Trust."
Your husband need you to stand by his side through his bid.
Good Luck!
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Old 01-19-2010, 12:08 AM
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I won't tell you you are doing wrong. I don't know, this guy could be Mr. Right for you, only you know. Nobody here can tell you who to be with. Just because a man is in prison doesn't obligate you to be with him. If you want to be with this guy, then do it.

But....Do it the right way. Dishonesty is neither the way to carry on a relationship nor begin one. Be honest with all parties if this is what you want. Give them the chance to react, you have all the information here, and that's incredibly unfair. If you continue this way, you only prove you really don't love either one of them.

And for the record, the phrase "Us women" or the like sets my teeth on edge. Don't blame your behavior on your sex, that's all you.
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Old 01-19-2010, 02:04 AM
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Damn girl! I understand your confused on what to do and I
understand your lonely but.... your man needs you! And if you
don't think you are going to be able to continue to be there for him then you
need to let him know ASAP! We all get lonely but I just don't see
how finding that comfort from another man can satisfy you, especially
when your man is sitting in his cell all alone thinking about you! But hey, to each
their own I guess... Good luck girl, I really hope you figure this out soon!
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Old 01-19-2010, 05:47 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by forever1 View Post
I am fairly new to this site and I have been reading a lot of stories, problems, well given advice, support, & everything in between. I really feel horrible posting what I am about to post because it makes me look like a horrible person, but I need to let it out. I have been holding this in for a few days now and I feel as if I am going to explode...
so here it goes ~

my best friend & husband is in prison thats my relationship to the prison system. Last week, I met a wonderful man out here on the outside. Can I say it was like love at first site even though I am married? I don't I should. We went out the other night (nothing happend, just dinner). And I think I am falling for this man waaay too fast & waaay too strong. Trust me, I don't want to have these kinds of feelings for someone else but when your spouse has been away for sooo long, I guess us as women we're just too sensitive or something or want some kind of emotional bond with someone. I don't know, I do know I am getting myself into a sad/emotional situation. I just want to cry thats all I want to do.

May I ask, if anyone else has been in a situation like this?
wow!!! im sorry that the loneliness has gotten the best of you. Lord knows that most if not all of us with boyfriend or husbands that are incarcerated have felt the bite of loneliness without our better halves here in the physical. but its what you do with the loneliness that makes all the difference. i know how you feel. i will be marrying my bf next week and yes he is still incarcerated. there are days when i miss him sooo much i physically hurt but thats when i know that i love him more than anything and a brief moment of company from someone else could never replace him being here with me. you need to ask yourself how you really feel about your husband and if you are built to withstand this type of relationship. it's not easy and dont beat yourself up if you decide that you cant handle your husband being incarcerated. but you need to step back and decide what you are going to do. you owe it to your husband to be honest with him. and this other guy that you have met, erase him from the equation until things are situated with your husband. if and only then if you choose to continue to see this other guy at least it will be with a clear head and this way you can tell if you are really feeling this guy or if you were just lonely and he was there. either way good luck!!!
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Old 01-19-2010, 07:58 PM
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In no way am I going to put you down for your feelings. You're human and have needs. Most of us are going to tell you that it's wrong for you to do such a thing and that we would never do it. But who's to say we're telling the truth or something like this may happen to us. I know what it's like to be lonely and I know what a rush you feel when someone wants to pay attention to you and you haven't had that sort of attention in a long time. But this is the time you should let your heart decide what's right for you. I could never love another man as much as I love my husband and knowing that if the tables were turned he could never have the strength and self-control that I have now, but I try to take it one day at a time and pray I can make it thru the sentence without making one of the biggest mistakes of my life. Sit back and contemplate if this is the choice you want to make, if you can love this guy on the outside as much as you love your husband. Get past all the phsycial feelings you're having and get straight to the emotions. Once you get past the fact that you're horny as hell (LOL!), you see your situation more clearly.You're not going to be able to get this straight over night, it's gonna take a while. Good luck to you and I wish you the best.
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Old 01-19-2010, 08:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by esnshahada View Post
only you know what's in your heart. And you should do whatever is best for you.
And i don't think its fair that you be lonely, just because your husband is behind bars. Everyone's situation is different. Perhaps if most inmates thought about their wives/girlfriends cheating on them, maybe they wouldn't have committed the crimes that landed them in prison. Just my opinion. And yes, i am a gf of an inmate!
i agree! Dont feel too bad girl. I would tell him tho. Jsut get it off ur chest n go from there or its gonna eat u up if u dont.lord knows (wether any of you ladies want to admit it or face it) if the siuation was flipped n our men were out n you were in it wouldnt take too long before they cheat. Men will be men . Sorry to say.
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Old 01-19-2010, 08:33 PM
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There are alot of good looking, working men out here in the free world! No wonder you found one! But here is the thing.

You have to figure out if you can do this bid. If not, then tell your husband and file for divorce. IMO, a man who knows he is "dating" a married woman does not realize the position he is in for the short term and the long term.

If he is dating you while you are married, what will he do when the next married woman comes along after you have committed to him? Can you handle that?

These prison relationships are very hard to do for many reasons. It is not for everyone. Just be honest with your husband. It takes less than an hour to make a mistake in judgment and for some, years to correct the mistake. Can you handle that?
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Old 01-19-2010, 08:43 PM
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ok I guess I am going to be the odd ball out in some way with what I am going to say. First, no I don't condone cheating esp when you are married because you took a vow to that other person. I so understand the loneliness part 200%. However, I think you really need to evaluate what you are doing and how you feel about your marriage and this other dude. I don't know if you have told this new guy your situation or not?

most are saying that you should tell the hubby etc etc I don't quite agree with this because yes although you went out on a date with him as you have said nothing has happened yet. I am NOT saying wait till it does but what I am saying is that you really need to search your soul on this one. This guy is NEW to you and who is to say that he REALLY wants to be with you anyway it sounds a lot like simple infatuation because he is able to give you something that your hubby isn't and that is being present. I think it would be a HUGE mistake to rush into anything for three reasons because 1) because its too soon to really know what this guy wants and you may very well throw your "marriage" away and for what a roll in the hay ( so to speak) and 2) because you are MARRIED!!!!!! 3) Because this could be a TEST from above to see where you really stand in your faith and marriage .........you really should do a LOT of thinking on this and DO NOT make you decision off the basis of this new guy, the decision should be made based on how you feel about this situation as a whole and wether or not you can continue this very trying journey by your husbands side or do you need to cut yourself a break and move on.

I think you have to be HONEST with YOURSELF before you can be honest with anyone else.

sorry you are finding yourself in this predictment, this life is very hard and I will never look down on anyone who can't do it. Its so very hard.

I wish you the best and I hope that you make the right decision for all involved. be true to thine own self!!!!
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I him so much, I Keep it out until the come off and we are can FINALLY be FREE to and one another W/O DOC all in our biz until then I live for and every available minute we can have together,no regrets.
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  #23  
Old 01-20-2010, 12:02 PM
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RMR 6789 RMR 6789 is offline
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i do NOT like some of the responses i am reading on here... what happened to PTO -- support without judgement? this coming from a girl faithful to her inmate for 2 years now... i don't like the way some people on here have responded to a girl looking for some guidance..now if you WANT to stay with your husband and be there for him..stay AWAY from anything tempting..if i were ever asked out by anyone i would politely decline and make them aware that i am loyal and plan to remain that way..if you feel as though your marriage isn't where you'd like it, discuss this with him before you do something you may regret and go from there.. just don't forget your own best interests... best of luck
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  #24  
Old 01-20-2010, 12:22 PM
NoOne1994 NoOne1994 is offline
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Thank you MissMari for the wonderful, mature, level-headed advice you have given this member. I wish more advice was presented in this manner instead of some of the critical thoughts that have been expressed thus far.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MissMarissaOX View Post
Personally, I'm glad that you posted! After all, PTO is supposed to be a place for non-judgmental support, correct? Besides, I don't think there's any two of us that can define "cheating" as the same exact thing in each relationship. For example, one woman might feel disrespected if her guy does so much as to LOOK at another female - where as another female could give a rats arse if her guy LOOKS at another female, as long as there's no physical contact involved.

Sorry, back to the OP. In the year that I've been posting on here, I've seen plenty of posts from women that have been confused. You're not a bad person, just a confused one. Lord knows that in the 6 years I've been with my boyfriend, I've definitely had my share of confusion! Did you & your husband have previous marital issues? This lifestyle is not for everyone. Marriages fall apart in the real world, too. But as someone already said, do you think that perhaps this man is just filling that "intimacy/physical void" that you don't think your husband can provide because of his incarceration? Maybe you should take a step back from all of it & really think about what you want/need. If you can't ride this out with your man, I think - IMO - that you need to be honest with your husband & let him know now. Waiting only makes it worse. It isn't fair to your husband for letting him THINK that you're gonna ride it out with him. It isn't fair to the new guy to lead him on under false pretenses. And you aren't being fair to yourself either.

I hope you get things figured out & squared away! And don't be afraid to post when you need opinions or help. That's what we're all here for.
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Old 01-20-2010, 12:30 PM
BlueEyedEllie BlueEyedEllie is offline
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Ask yourself just one question,is the other man worth losing your husband's trust,respect and even he himself for good????? remember the 80/20 rule.people leave the 80% they have with their spouse for the 20% the fling offers.I have no idea your history with your man so all i will say is think longterm about your actions and how they will affect him and you and try not to focus too much on the instant gratification aspect of it as it never lasts.
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