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  #1  
Old 03-15-2011, 04:06 PM
Down4DaddyCT Down4DaddyCT is offline
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Default Who is writing your man?, I do not feel comfortable with other ladies writing him

I am dealing with an issue I feel that no other woman aside from family and myself should be writing my boyfriend...I make an exception with his other children's mothers (2 of them) but that's where I draw the line. For some reason my boyfriend thinks I'm being overly jealous because he feels his friends who are women from the outside should be able to write him. I just don't feel comfortable with it, I have so many reasons for that but want to know how you all feel.
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Old 03-15-2011, 04:14 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Down4DaddyCT View Post
I am dealing with an issue I feel that no other woman aside from family and myself should be writing my boyfriend...I make an exception with his other children's mothers (2 of them) but that's where I draw the line. For some reason my boyfriend thinks I'm being overly jealous because he feels his friends who are women from the outside should be able to write him. I just don't feel comfortable with it, I have so many reasons for that but want to know how you all feel.
I wouldn't be alright with that either, but thankfully other then his aunts, mom, and cousin I'm the only one that writes him. I asked him at our last visit "would you want me talking to other men... sharing my time with other men?" His answer was, "Thats whats not going to happen." Therefore he doesn't need to be sharing his time with other women... its as simple as that.
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Old 03-15-2011, 04:33 PM
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Originally Posted by Down4DaddyCT View Post
I am dealing with an issue I feel that no other woman aside from family and myself should be writing my boyfriend...I make an exception with his other children's mothers (2 of them) but that's where I draw the line. For some reason my boyfriend thinks I'm being overly jealous because he feels his friends who are women from the outside should be able to write him. I just don't feel comfortable with it, I have so many reasons for that but want to know how you all feel.
It's his right to write to whom ever he wishes, a friend of his just got married she assigned a full role of film for just him. I was thrilled....
I would be uncomfortable with people who placed him at risk of crime involvement or drug use but again, he makes his own choices.
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Old 03-15-2011, 04:56 PM
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All i know is that people can catch feelings for one another real fast via letters..

So if it where my man...if she isnt the mother of your children or a blood relative...NO!
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Old 03-15-2011, 10:45 PM
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We actually discussed this tonight. His position is that we are nearly married, and should provide the same respect to each other as married people. Because we have a monogamous respect for each other, we do not need blanket rules or ultimatums.
My position stays the same....
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Old 03-15-2011, 11:32 PM
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I have to agree with Mikaer, I would never say he couldnt write a friend and he would never tell me who I could or couldnt speak with or be friends with. But that works for us and every couple needs to find their own comfort zone.

Good Luck!
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Old 03-16-2011, 11:01 AM
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I dont mind who write my guy. Anything that brightens his day is a good thing in my book. Most of the females that write to him are family but he has one or two from his childhood that write occasionally. I look at it from the point of view that I would be pissed if he said I couldnt talk/spend time with my males friends. I would miss the little private jokes we have togther based on stuff that happened before my guy was in the picture. So I can't very well turn around and say "I dont want you writing any other female except your Mom, GrandMom and me".

Just my two cents
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Old 03-16-2011, 11:14 AM
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A couple other female friends write my man, it is strictly as friends and I believe any communication is good. I am grateful they take time out of their lives to send a few lines his way. If he was out here he would have female friends just as I have male friends, he doesn't tell me I can't interact with them. So it would be a big double standard for me to try and limit his interactions. It is all about trust and respect we both know what is expected from each other in terms of loyalty, honesty, respect and commitment. We have got way to long to be doing this to trip on stuff like this.
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Old 03-16-2011, 03:48 PM
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Originally Posted by Down4DaddyCT View Post
I am dealing with an issue I feel that no other woman aside from family and myself should be writing my boyfriend...I make an exception with his other children's mothers (2 of them) but that's where I draw the line. For some reason my boyfriend thinks I'm being overly jealous because he feels his friends who are women from the outside should be able to write him. I just don't feel comfortable with it, I have so many reasons for that but want to know how you all feel.

I agree with your boyfriend. I actually have 3 other inmate pen pals besides my guy, and he and I both write them as well. One just got released yesterday, I already told him I'll give him a ride to KY to try and see his mom who he hasn't seen for 10 years. This was my guy's old cellie who's been locked up since he was 16. I see my role in his world as a friend/support/positive influence on him and I encourage my guy to do the same.

I don't treat them any different than I would treat any other friend. I'll send christmas and birthday and st. patricks day cards. But I don't tell these other guys I love them. I don't talk to them on the phone everyday. I set limits and boundaries with them. I don't do/say anything to them that I wouldn't do/say with any female friend. In other words, I wouldn't act in a manner that would cause my man to have any doubts/fears/insecurity about me or our relationship. But I also don't stop being myself because my guy had baby mamas that cheated on him in the past.

If you've been hurt/cheated on in the past by other men, it is understandable that you would have fears. But your guy is not them. It's your issue, not his. If he's not given you any reason to doubt him, it's not a good feeling to be doubted.

If YOUR guy has cheated on you in the past and you choose to try and work it out, than that's part of what he needs to man up to in order to regain lost trust. That's just how I see it.
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Old 03-16-2011, 06:37 PM
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As a courtesy to him, his inmate friends ask him before they write. I have been really sick... As a courtesy to me, he keeps track of my schedule...His friends address the letters to me Mrs xxxx lol.

He has a rule about me handing out his address. I have to have prior approval.He provides me the same courtesy and asks my permission to hand out my address...

His ex sister in law wants his address, I already knew his answer was no, but I told her politely that she could to give me her address, and I would forward it to him. She got quite indignant, said she would get it herself because he never writes...lol Honey that's the point...I'm not worried about them hooking up. He has females he cares about and writes too... I am trying to respect his choice to not get involved in Drama with out her inflicting it at me...

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Old 03-16-2011, 06:47 PM
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My husband and I are very very secure in our relationship. We know that the love we share will not be broken by anyone. He writes every so often to his 5th grade friend who saw his case on the news, thats fine. I have also formed some friendships with 3 of the men he hangs out with in there. And My Love has formed friendships with a few of my close friends. Its weird cause now its like one big friend circle... kinda odd, but the more the merrier I say, What ever helps to pass time. His cell mates wife writes him to, she and I talk on a regular basis now and once in a while ill drop a note to her hubby, they guys always share their letters on the inside. But really I know who he loves and i know writing gives him something to do... His cellies wife called yesterday and said, "Awwww your husband wrote me this beautiful letter i wanna read what he said about you." it takes my breath away... I love the friendship circle..
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Old 03-16-2011, 06:51 PM
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[quote=MIKAER;6029582]As a courtesy to him, his inmate friends ask him before they write. I have been really sick... As a courtesy to me, he keeps track of my schedule...His friends address the letters to me Mrs xxxx lol. quote]

Thats how we do it too... The amount of respect the inmates have shown my friends and I are amayzing. If anyone know of a few people that want a pen pal, I have a few great guys to hand out!
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Old 03-16-2011, 06:52 PM
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Ok my turn..first females we can act like a good friend but let's keep it real....and my dude will catch a feelin if I talk to the mailman to long..so check it....If I have devoted my life my time to this man he needs to do the same...are u ladies kiddin....I write him to past his time he bored better reread a letter from me....some of u need to read Steve Harvey book......demand ur respect....he will do what u allow him to do....I have a great relationship with my man and he is my KING and in charge from where he is cause he is my man...but I do NOT do bullshit!
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Old 03-16-2011, 06:56 PM
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Im glad I dont have to deal with "bullshit" also.
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Old 03-16-2011, 07:22 PM
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My MAN wants to be a minister, his goal is to help people stay out of prison... I will GET to spend the rest of my life dealing with bag whores, drama queens, and hoochy mommas, I'm am not going to get my panties in a bunch, worrying about whether he keeps his panties on! If we don't have trust in each other and faith that through God we can have a healthy relationship what good are to ANYONE? Why even get out of prison if your not free? We he gets out, I will own a dog and a cat and a house...NOT A HUSBAND!

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Old 03-16-2011, 07:27 PM
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My wife can write anyone she wants, get letters from whoever she wants and talk to whomever she chooses. If my girl wants to cheat there are a hundred women in there ready, willing and able to oblige her. Which brings up a good point, my wife considers herself bisexual...okay, she used to, now she says she is Angelsexual but I digress; should I, as a matter of respect, demand that she doesn't write or talk to anyone male or female?

It comes down to this: My wife is capable of making her own choices and I don't get to make them for her; I only get to choose what my choices are. For instance, if she cheats, then I have the choice to leave - I don't even have the right to demand she doesn't cheat,; how well does that work for those of you who have had cheating partners anyway? I doubt it's the writing or talking that is the problem, it's where you are afraid it'll lead. So if I'm afraid my wife will cheat on me then perhaps she doesn't love me enough - more fear. I know! I'll control her! That usually makes people love you more, right? No writing guys and when you come home, no working in a job unless it's an all women staff catering to women only, like a nail salon or something. Behavior like that not only isn't any way to treat an adult - it usually has the opposite effect.

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Old 03-16-2011, 07:31 PM
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Originally Posted by Down4DaddyCT View Post
I am dealing with an issue I feel that no other woman aside from family and myself should be writing my boyfriend...I make an exception with his other children's mothers (2 of them) but that's where I draw the line. For some reason my boyfriend thinks I'm being overly jealous because he feels his friends who are women from the outside should be able to write him. I just don't feel comfortable with it, I have so many reasons for that but want to know how you all feel.

i feel the same way u do
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Old 03-16-2011, 10:58 PM
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This thread is sounding like the threads on sharing visits with mother in laws ...

1) It's not your mail

2) It's none of your business who he write to or receives mail from
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Old 03-16-2011, 11:29 PM
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I will I don't want this thread to go the wrong way... Its prefectly normal for you not to want another woman or women to write your man.... If that something that you don't feel comfortable with then that up to you and your partner to work through that... we are not here to make you see things the way that we see them... I totally understand where you are coming from...
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Old 03-16-2011, 11:46 PM
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If you are afraid that him writing to another woman would turn into an affair or him having feelings for her then maybe that would be something you would want to find out ?? !! If that could happen then he doesn't love you enough for you to even worry another minute about him.
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Old 03-17-2011, 08:17 AM
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I totally understand the whole concept about privacy and
I understand that he might be bored and wants to know everything thatís going on from different sources. But what I donít understand is why anyone else aside from his family should be sharing this experience with us. This is a time for us to reflect and grow so that when we are back together physically on a daily basis weíre stronger. Like Ms. 73 said people catch feelings quick, and I donít want to be out here breaking my back doing what Iím suppose to do and have to worry about who heís talking to. Just saying.
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He tells me he loves me, that I need to be strong for our baby and ourselves. He tells me it'll get better, that it's hard for him too, and we'll be together soon. He tells me what I need to hear to get by each day, and still I cry.
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Old 03-17-2011, 08:32 AM
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I totally understand the whole concept about privacy and
I understand that he might be bored and wants to know everything thatís going on from different sources. But what I donít understand is why anyone else aside from his family should be sharing this experience with us. This is a time for us to reflect and grow so that when we are back together physically on a daily basis weíre stronger. Like Ms. 73 said people catch feelings quick, and I donít want to be out here breaking my back doing what Iím suppose to do and have to worry about who heís talking to. Just saying.
So getting arrested and going to prison is really about couples therapy, and love should be viewed as a disease that requires quarantine? To keep your guy from catching feelings that you cannot control the answer is isolation...
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Old 03-17-2011, 08:56 AM
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I have no issues with one of his friends writing to him male or female. He doesn't go out and find someone that we both don't know to write, they are his friends. He has known them for years (most I introduced to him because none of his old friends stuck around) and if they were an issue they would have been an issue before. There are people that write to my husband that I have given his address too. I want him to write others, he has a long time in there and has been in there a long time, there is no way I tell him everything that is going on in the world. If the letter is funny, interesting or something he will quote the letter, or even send it to me. I have not seen one person cross the line. Hell, they have even asked him his secret to a successful marriage. HIM! I laugh because he knows I am the glue (Haha). Just kidding about that one.

Trust in your guy, that's all you can do. He has to have some sort of freedom, he is in prison and now he is also in a prison in his relationship. I am my husbands out of prison if only for a little while in visits, phone, calls and his friends; I can't take that away from him, too.

It's like someone says, you can own a house, dog, cat, car but you can't own your man. Mine didn't cheat on me while we were out here together, and I have no doubt he is not going to cheat with me in letters.

At the same time, it's what you and him feel is right for your relationship, maybe you and him have this overbearing, non trusting and if another man looks at you or you look at another woman....oh man....If that's the case then you are on the right path for your relationship, but I will tell you right now, the chances of that relationship lasting a lifetime is almost zero to none; one of you are going to get tired of the demands.

I am in as much love with our trust in our relationship as I am with my husband. I just know that he would in no way hurt me, use me, or tarnish the trust we have. If you don't have trust, you really don't have a full, loving, relationship and I have to ask the question, how does it feel to love someone you can't trust as far as you can throw him/her? Because in my opinion, you have an easier chance of cheating than he does. Should he be worried about you, too?

I don't know but trust and communication, in my opinion only, is the glue that holds my marriage together. Without that, I KNOW in my heart, I wouldn't be with him, married and in prison myself, so to speak.

One more thing, don't make him start lying to you by writing to these people anyway and saying please don't tell my girl. Let him be honest with you and share the letters with you, if he so chooses, and let him see that his girl trust him and loves him because she KNOWS he isn't going to hurt her. She knows I love her that much. He was already honest enough to tell you he wanted to write and vise versa, he didn't have to tell you that. I'm just saying, don't ask for mistrust issues, when there is no need for them.

I'm just not a jealous person, I have faith in myself that I am enough for my husband. Even if he so chooses to cheat, I still have the faith that I am enough. He just wasn't enough for me, and that's his mistake.
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Old 03-17-2011, 09:01 AM
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I personally don't have a problem with him writing other females. I trust him. I know that if he chose to, his letters to them would not be the same way that he writes to me. But HE has chosen not to. Between his 2 jobs, taking classes, teaching a class, his prayer/study time, playing ball, working out, he does a lot each day. He feels that the time he settles down to write is special/intimate and chooses to share that with me. Once in awhile he will write his Mom, sister etc. If a female was to write him on a level other than friendship (which did happen when the sister of one of his buddies saw him during a visit with me) he told me about it and handled it the way I would expect him to. I don't have to trust the motives of any female. I HAVE TO TRUST HIM. And I do.

If something has happened to affect the trust between you and your man, then you two need to adjust those issues and find a resolution. A prison relationship is hard enough without the two of you constantly arguing. Granted we all know that some days are worse than others when your man/woman is in prison, but a relationship without trust will ensure that everyday is bad.

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Old 03-17-2011, 09:05 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Down4DaddyCT View Post
I totally understand the whole concept about privacy and
I understand that he might be bored and wants to know everything that’s going on from different sources. But what I don’t understand is why anyone else aside from his family should be sharing this experience with us. This is a time for us to reflect and grow so that when we are back together physically on a daily basis we’re stronger. Like Ms. 73 said people catch feelings quick, and I don’t want to be out here breaking my back doing what I’m suppose to do and have to worry about who he’s talking to. Just saying.
I'm sorry in advance if what I am about to say sounds rude in anyway. He is in prison, you are not at some summer couples retreat where you work on your relationship. He is in prison and it sounds like he has a relationship where he is going to feel like he is even more in prison. People do grow stronger but I don't look at prison as the way to grow stronger, at all.

What if he told you, that you are not allowed to speak to another man while he is in prison outside of your and his family? Not at work, out and about, church, store, anywhere. If someone sees you doing it, tells him, even sends him a picture and he goes off because you didn't follow his rules, will you accept those rules placed on you? Would you tell him, "baby, I am not going to cheat, I love you to much for that. I am out here breaking my back so you have to trust that I will be faithful to you". Just remember you can catch feelings just as quick on the outside if the right situation rears it head. I would say a better chance than someone in prison. He isn't looking and nor are you but what's to say it doesn't go both ways?

A relationship is two way street, I have not seen one, and I mean one that lasted with no trust what-so-ever. They always crumble and crash at some point. Also it's hard, stressful, heartbreaking experience for all involved. I would hate to live my life and relationship/marriage on a collision course that is going to crash in flames at the end.

I have seen so many threads on here where the man is doing everything right and it's the woman that cheated because she couldn't stand to be alone any longer. It happens to people ALL the time. I am just saying don't ask for stress where you shouldn't have any and TRUST in your man and relationship.

Last edited by Dointimetoo; 03-17-2011 at 09:22 AM.. Reason: Spelling
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