Welcome to the Prison Talk Online Community! Take a Minute and Sign Up Today!






Go Back   Prison Talk > RESOURCE CENTER > Domestic Violence
Register Entertainment FAQ Calendar Mark Forums Read

Domestic Violence News and information relating to domestic violence in general. Please post here if you don't see a sub-forums that fits better.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 01-01-2018, 08:49 AM
KatieNicoleKa94 KatieNicoleKa94 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Illinois USA
Posts: 2
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
Default B/f arrested for DV. This is his 1st offense. I don't know what to do

1st off this is gonna be a long post but I think everybody should hear the story before they make any judgements.*

I was on a dating site and I met this guy he was really nice I connected with him right off the bat. He treated me my son like we were everything. When he was 11 years old his dad died and I'm thinking that caused him a lot of grief because his mother was a stay-at-home mom and all she did after the dad died was lay in bed. She got a boyfriend like a couple years later and he took over the household she filed for disability and she inherited all kinds of money from the dad in his mom and dad that passed away and the boyfriend and her spent all the money and when they spoiled him they did but the boyfriend also was very mean and vindictive towards mark. My fiance. When we met he treated me my son good because hes been looking for a family I guess for a long time and he found it with me in my son. He never really had to get a legit job or drive a car until he was like 19 years old they treated him like he was a child most of his live and impaired him on growing up me and him have been struggling in our relationship because I feel like I'm more mature my mom was a meth head whenever I was a kid and I've seen a lot of things that I shouldn't have seen growing up I started working at 16 and I accidentally got pregnant at 17 so I've been out on my own since I've been 18 years old and he can barely even pay his phone bill. I believe there's a lot of frustration between the both of us cause when it's good it's good and when it's bad it's really bad. I can argue too and it's not just his fault. He wasn't really doe a good hand and his family still tries to enable him and they try to help him like hes still a child they will let him live there and do anything he wants as long as hes helping himself in their eyes. The point is is he recently got arrested because we've argued on and off for a while now and I got fed up because hes on the military and supposably he can't keep down a job because he always is late he has like a sleeping problem he sleeps and 2 late is not very responsible. Hes a great guy just feels like sometimes he can't grow up I believe he wants to but I don't know if he knows how. Anyways he got arrested we were at the laundromat because he wanted me to go active duty with him and I couldn't do that cause I have a child and I've had apartments with him before and hes lost his jobs and I live in long come housing and I'm going to school to be a nurse so that would interrupt a lot of things that shows security in my in my sons live and so he brought up the fact that he could go active and I stay here and that really scares me my biggest fear is him moving on or being with other people because I want to be that woman for him well he started it is a point where he had attitude and he cops off was like remarks and stuff like a teenage girl just to hurt because hes angry he never hits me though it's just more mouth like a p***** off teenager than anything but I got up and I told him that if he didn't stop or leave that I would call the police and I kept walking up to the counter and he wouldn't let me get to the lady to talk to her I was trying to call his bluff because hes a coward he normally would leave well I got to the counter and she called the police and he went to jail for interfering of a reporting of a domestic well he got to core and somehow something he said I don't know what happened but they got him one domestic battery they let him out and it was the day before Christmas and he came here we started talking we weren't supposed to there is a no contact order I guess and place and we were good for good week until he got paid from 1 of his jobs and like I said I live in low income Housing so I asked for some money but he went out and paid my phone bill and bought toilet paper and all this other extra stuff that I didn't need it was a very nice gesture but I needed that money for partial rent cars I told him I had not gotten paid yet well he started getting real ignorant and I got mad and I told them he was a parasite because I feel like a lot of times he scared to grow up and it bothers me because he can't go out and get a place on his own I get frustrated at times because I feel like I'm being used or I'm being his mother figure and it gets very frustrating I love him and that's what I would do if I was as wife but he doesn't try to help himself either or if he does he takes a stone age to do it Hay was When he came over he was acting like he ran the place and it really bugged me because I told him he can't stay with me anymore because I was real aggravated cause he still was working at the warehouses he lost his job and I guess I wasn't being patient enough I caused a lot of the issues and he told me f*** y** and it really aggravated me because I felt like I had a legit reason to be upset over the rent because I was more frustrated and worried over having a roof over our head and I knew that if I put him back in jail maybe he would Change but then now I'm realizing I'm regretting doing that cause it violated his recognization and so I'm not sure what's gonna happen from here on out I don't know if hes even gonna wanna be with me anymore I don't know what hes gonna get charged with I haven't received a court date I'm worried sick to my stomach I feel like I lost the love of my life. I don't know if hes gonna wanna come back I don't know if hes not gonna wanna talk to me any more I'm already in counseling I've been dealing with my own issues. I'm not sure what to expect. This is his 1st offense. I don't know what to do I'm sick to my stomach.
Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
  #2  
Old 01-01-2018, 10:07 AM
MizzyMuffling's Avatar
MizzyMuffling MizzyMuffling is offline
Registered User
Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: NC & Germany
Posts: 3,670
Thanks: 3,352
Thanked 3,816 Times in 1,640 Posts
Default

Legally I'm afraid I cannot help you or advise you. I can only give you feedback on my feelings after reading your story and I'm not judging but to me it sounds a bit like "it takes two to tango". You kind of both "at fault" for the arguments and I'm not saying anyone is right or wrong, but you both let it escalate. You seem to get impatient with him and it seems to me like he's like your "other child" and you are getting fed up with that situation. He's should "man up" more and not loose jobs and listen to you more and your needs (like money towards something other than paying something else). You guys seem to be kind of "stuck" in a not very adult relationship where you seem to be more responsible than him. He's trying though but I wonder if he can do right by you?

Really, just guessing, I don't know both of you so please bear with me.

How old are you both if I may ask?
__________________
Follow your heart but take your brain with you...
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to MizzyMuffling For This Useful Post:
miamac (01-01-2018), Sarianna (01-01-2018)
  #3  
Old 01-01-2018, 10:21 AM
KatieNicoleKa94 KatieNicoleKa94 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Illinois USA
Posts: 2
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MizzyMuffling View Post
Legally I'm afraid I cannot help you or advise you. I can only give you feedback on my feelings after reading your story and I'm not judging but to me it sounds a bit like "it takes two to tango". You kind of both "at fault" for the arguments and I'm not saying anyone is right or wrong, but you both let it escalate. You seem to get impatient with him and it seems to me like he's like your "other child" and you are getting fed up with that situation. He's should "man up" more and not loose jobs and listen to you more and your needs (like money towards something other than paying something else). You guys seem to be kind of "stuck" in a not very adult relationship where you seem to be more responsible than him. He's trying though but I wonder if he can do right by you?

Really, just guessing, I don't know both of you so please bear with me.

How old are you both if I may ask?
I'm 23 and he is 25. I feel like I expect a lot but then again at times I feel like I don't really expect too much. I feel like at times I can be just as amateur but I'm still young I feel like if a man wants to come into a relationship he should be able to at least take care of himself. There's been several times he wants me to be a stay-at-home mom and that would be great for me but I don't wanna live off the state for the rest of my life again that's another cushion that hes relying on I feel like hes scared to do it on his own I don't know what goes on in his head. I just wonder if hes still p***** off at me in his jail cell or if he does still love me and want to make it work. It's very childish I know but I've seen good in him and hes a very amazing guy. There's been times where he slept in his own vehicle cause he didn't have a roof over his head to help with the finances for me in my son. But there's also times where he would go back to his family and tell them a lot of lies about me and make them hate me where he could use us against each other so when I get fed up with him here he goes down to his family's and they help him so they don't like me and now that we're not able to talk hes gonna contact them and they're gonna try and convince him I am bad for him I'm trying to move forward and live in this relation to ships been so flip floppy you would think if he wanted to be with somebody he would man up and do what he has to do and it kills me because I feel like I'm not that girl cause it hasn't happened yet after bein together with him for over 2 years
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 01-01-2018, 10:44 AM
MizzyMuffling's Avatar
MizzyMuffling MizzyMuffling is offline
Registered User
Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: NC & Germany
Posts: 3,670
Thanks: 3,352
Thanked 3,816 Times in 1,640 Posts
Default

hhhhmmmmm.... you have a ton on your plate as it seems... I get the impression that he still has some growing up to do and even though you love him or care deeply for him, I almost believe you'll be better off without him - just because he seems to be your "extra child". You are too young to be dealing with all of this. Expectations towards someone is not necessarily a bad thing but maybe you should use your energy towards you to improve your financial and emotional situation first. There comes a point in one's life where we have to make a decision so go left or right and sometimes the person we love cannot go that way with us...
__________________
Follow your heart but take your brain with you...
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to MizzyMuffling For This Useful Post:
Sarianna (01-01-2018)
  #5  
Old 01-01-2018, 10:59 AM
yourself yourself is offline
attorney
 

Join Date: May 2010
Location: around
Posts: 11,861
Thanks: 4,250
Thanked 21,472 Times in 7,511 Posts
Default

Look, there's a no contact order in place. He needs to not contact you in any way while that order is in place. This is respect for the law, and respect for you and your kid. Nobody wants the cops to show up and drag him away at any moment because he's taken it upon himself to ignore that order.

That order will remain in place at least until his court case is over. You need to get that in your head and get to the point you are okay with this. If you can't be okay with this, then your relationship is really a toxic relationship, and you need to adult up and deal with it - figure out why you're so dependent on a man who wants you to take care of him rather than man up and contribute his fair share and actually deal with his issues.

There is counseling available for you as the victim of domestic violence at your local domestic violence shelter. There's counseling available for him for his huge number of issues through Catholic Charities (not religious counseling, and you don't have to be Catholic) or Lutheran Family Charities (not religious counseling, and you don't have to be Lutheran to get on the sliding scale therapy schedule), and probably Baptist, Jewish, and others. There is also community based mental health so he can get therapy and deal with his issues rather than expect you to support him his entire life.

Look, you have a real opportunity here - he can deal with his shit, and you can deal with yours, and hopefully then you can come together as mature adults who can work out your issues instead of fighting all the time. This is your best bet for getting that protective order removed before it expires years from now.

You are doing some really good things with your life - housing, schooling (nursing is a great vocation as you can take it anywhere in the US once you have your license). What you don't need is a bunch of DV charges following you around. If you get charged, you can kiss that nursing license goodbye. This is yet another reason you really need to deal with the toxic nature of your relationship. If you want to nurse, you can't have a dv charge, and you are one phone call away from your own dv charge.

Another thing you need to understand is that a battery happens when there's any sort of unlawful touching. What does this mean? It means he doesn't have to punch you in the face to be a batterer. You don't have to swing a skillet at his head to be a batterer. Holding somebody's arm so they can't go someplace, even if it's just a few paces, is a battery. Putting your hands on somebody who doesn't want you to put your hands on them is a battery. Adjust your thinking on what is a battery and quit making excuses for behavior.

You have done a lot of thinking about why he is the way he is. I'm wondering how much of that is excuse, seeing as he hasn't tried to pony up.

And let me ask - what's the problem with him going active duty military? Are you afraid that he'll fall in love with another soldier or some woman somewhere where he's stationed? He's not going active duty with a pending domestic violence charge, that's for sure, but if he wants to go that route.... and there's nothing to say that he's not worried about the exact same thing - that if he goes active, you'll find somebody else.

You can't make a person change. But you have. A real opportunity to look into why this guy means so much that you cannot even make him adhere to a simple protective order so he stays out of jail. You say you have issues, and I'd assume abandonment is one of them based on the meth mom experience. You really need to deal with that so that you can deal with him in a more mature fashion. And he really needs to make a commitment to his own change. You both can do that by getting some low/no cost therapy and adhering to court orders. Otherwise, you are one dv charge away from not being able to get a nursing license.
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to yourself For This Useful Post:
jadah (01-01-2018), nimuay (01-01-2018), sidewalker (01-02-2018)
  #6  
Old 01-01-2018, 11:06 AM
miamac's Avatar
miamac miamac is offline
Site Moderator Gone Mad

Staff Superstar Winner PTO Site Moderator 

 

Join Date: May 2013
Location: ORnativeAZresCAtied
Posts: 10,071
Thanks: 13,333
Thanked 19,392 Times in 6,956 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by KatieNicoleKa94 View Post
Anyways he got arrested we were at the laundromat because he wanted me to go active duty with him and I couldn't do that cause I have a child and I've had apartments with him before and hes lost his jobs and I live in long come housing and I'm going to school to be a nurse so that would interrupt a lot of things that shows security in my in my sons live and so he brought up the fact that he could go active and I stay here and that really scares me my biggest fear is him moving on or being with other people because I want to be that woman for him well he started it is a point where he had attitude and he cops off was like remarks and stuff like a teenage girl just to hurt because hes angry he never hits me though it's just more mouth like a p***** off teenager than anything but I got up and I told him that if he didn't stop or leave that I would call the police and I kept walking up to the counter and he wouldn't let me get to the lady to talk to her I was trying to call his bluff because hes a coward he normally would leave well I got to the counter and she called the police and he went to jail for interfering of a reporting of a domestic well he got to core and somehow something he said I don't know what happened but they got him one domestic battery they let him out and it was the day before Christmas and he came here we started talking we weren't supposed to there is a no contact order I guess and place and we were good for good week until he got paid from 1 of his jobs and like I said I live in low income Housing so I asked for some money but he went out and paid my phone bill and bought toilet paper and all this other extra stuff that I didn't need it was a very nice gesture but I needed that money for partial rent cars I told him I had not gotten paid yet well he started getting real ignorant and I got mad and I told them he was a parasite because I feel like a lot of times he scared to grow up and it bothers me because he can't go out and get a place on his own I get frustrated at times because I feel like I'm being used or I'm being his mother figure and it gets very frustrating I love him and that's what I would do if I was as wife [...]
This is all kinds of bad. Mizzy has already said it, but go back and read your own words and tell us what part of this is healthy. You have an actual child to raise, that should be your focus. You sound mature, but also controlling. That's not something that ever pans out with another adult. He needs to do some growing up but he needs to do it, not have it forced on him. You sound like you work really hard to provide for your son and keep continuity in his life. This person does not add to that plan. You may love him, but it's not healthy.
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to miamac For This Useful Post:
jadah (01-01-2018), MizzyMuffling (01-02-2018), Sarianna (01-01-2018)
  #7  
Old 01-01-2018, 11:16 AM
CenTexLyn CenTexLyn is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: TX-US
Posts: 14,888
Thanks: 648
Thanked 11,061 Times in 5,992 Posts
Default

His behavior is NOT going to change. That someone else had to intervene is NOT a good sign. That he is this irresponsible while being in the military is NOT a good thing.

Domestic violence is not something where someone wakes up and just decides not to be an asshole. It unfortunately is something that has a propensity to get worse as time goes on. All too often, someone winds up seriously injured or dead. His upbringing is something for him to work on in counseling, not by being an abusive jerk...and even if one buys into the 'two to tango' explanations of domestic violence, someone has to be the bigger person and walk away in order to de-escalate a situation.

Oh, and YOU didn't 'put him in jail.' His own actions did that. With a concurrence of law enforcement who responded.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to CenTexLyn For This Useful Post:
MizzyMuffling (01-02-2018)
  #8  
Old 01-01-2018, 11:50 AM
Marseille's Avatar
Marseille Marseille is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: South Dakota, USA
Posts: 1,757
Thanks: 656
Thanked 3,453 Times in 1,089 Posts
Default

So... I don’t want to excuse his behavior, but it’s shitty of you to invite him into your home when there’s a no contact order and then call the police later when he irritates you. Tell him to leave and call the police right away if he doesn’t.

Other than that... I mean... you ARE aware that you aren’t required to be in this relationship, right? I can not find anything in your description of the relationship that sounds enjoyable.

Let this kid go active duty and let him grow up a bit. You’ve got enough to worry about right now and he’s not improving or enriching your life in any area.
__________________
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Marseille For This Useful Post:
JustBeingMe67 (01-02-2018), MizzyMuffling (01-02-2018)
  #9  
Old 01-01-2018, 07:02 PM
nimuay's Avatar
nimuay nimuay is offline
Super Moderator

PTO Super Moderator Pumpkin Hunt Participant 2014 Easter Egg Hunt 2013 - Participant 

Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: new york
Posts: 24,658
Thanks: 7,153
Thanked 30,619 Times in 11,025 Posts
Default

Hon, it sounds to me like you are so in need of being loved that you'll hold on to anything that sorta/kinda feels like love.

But.....

This isn't it.

You have to leave him alone to work out his own stuff. And you have to work on yours! Like accepting lousy behavior just because somebody "loves" you. Lousy is never OK, just never. And lousy behavior isn't love. You just don't know what love looks like in any of its forms, because your mother loved meth more than you, and your 'partner' loves himself more than you. You have to figure out how to love yourself.

And when your behavior doesn't measure up to what your best hopes for yourself are, you need to be able to change your own channel. You want to be able to understand why you did what you did, work out ways to improve what you were thinking and then step forward past your old self.

That's a whole lot of work, and you can't do it while being a good mom to your child and a nursing student and tangled up with him, too. That's like trying to eat the whole cow at once, when one hamburger at a time is about all any of us can handle.

So - you owe yourself first, your kid second, and then anybody else has to do for themselves.
__________________
You'll know you've created God in your own image when He hates all the people you do.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to nimuay For This Useful Post:
JustBeingMe67 (01-02-2018)
  #10  
Old 01-01-2018, 07:54 PM
Fredslady5 Fredslady5 is offline
Account Closed
 

Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Illinois
Posts: 168
Thanks: 0
Thanked 137 Times in 72 Posts
Default

You had me at "I met him on a dating website??�� too much drama and life is too short
Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old 01-01-2018, 08:18 PM
yourself yourself is offline
attorney
 

Join Date: May 2010
Location: around
Posts: 11,861
Thanks: 4,250
Thanked 21,472 Times in 7,511 Posts
Default

Meh, nothing wrong with a dating website. Some are very good. Some are not. The ability to suss out who is good for you, and who you are good for - different altogether. It takes time and experience. Time and experience doesn't mean having to go the domestic violence route, however.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to yourself For This Useful Post:
miamac (01-01-2018)
  #12  
Old 01-02-2018, 12:44 AM
Anna7 Anna7 is offline
I love my Kindle
 

Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 139
Thanks: 70
Thanked 212 Times in 77 Posts
Default

Oh, honey ... if only I knew in my early 20’s what I know now about domestic violence. What I’ve learned thru the years is how to spot the red flags from a mile away. If I detect even the slightest whiff of abusive behavior, that recognition of it does away with that “lovin’ feeling” quite nicely, on my part. Why? Because I’ve learned that kind of behavior does not go away, and is in itself an insult to me. I’ve learned how it starts with seemingly “not-so-serious” behavior, like a very subtle put-down. Or blocking you from walking a few steps away from the abuser, even if he doesn’t touch you. Or calling you an ugly name. I know that it only escalates, and intensifies, even if it takes a little time for that to happen. Whenever someone shows you any behavior characteristic of DV, no matter how “slight,” and you don’t end the relationship right then and there, you’ve taught the person that it’s ok to go further with more abuse. Abusive behavior is the ultimate turn-off for me, and fortunately, once that behavior shows up I’m just not interested anymore. Abusers are definitely a class unto themselves, and not everyone belongs in that class .. there are folks, men and women who I’ve known for years, decades, who I’d never dream of putting in that class of folks, simply because they’ve never exhibited the slightest sign of abusive behavior to me. You are a smart girl, and I hope it doesn’t take you years to realize these things like it did me. They don’t change. They really don’t. A person is either capable of demeaning abuse of others, or they’re not.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Anna7 For This Useful Post:
Marseille (01-21-2018)
  #13  
Old 01-02-2018, 05:21 AM
JustBeingMe67's Avatar
JustBeingMe67 JustBeingMe67 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Oregon
Posts: 5,378
Thanks: 866
Thanked 1,862 Times in 892 Posts
Default

Get out and make your child your focus, not this guy. Your future is bleak if you allow this to be your example of what "love" is. Focus on your schooling, getting into better housing and being self reliant. Set good examples for your child, because they will mimic what you do.

Let this guy go active duty and find out a little about reality.
__________________
Be Real, Be You
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
NJ disorderly person offense vs PA summary offense friendsfirst16 Prison & Criminal Legal Help! 0 07-14-2016 05:54 PM
Base offense level 8, first offense.. jail? jasonlv Federal General Prison Talk, Introductions & Chit Chat 13 01-24-2009 01:54 AM
is this a criminal offense that someone could be arrested for?? JustLisa Federal General Prison Talk, Introductions & Chit Chat 19 09-27-2004 07:16 PM


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 06:34 PM.
Copyright © 2001- 2017 Prison Talk Online
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Website Design & Custom vBulletin Skins by: Relivo Media
Message Board Statistics