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Old 08-04-2009, 06:42 PM
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Default Alone with my thoughts....Missing My Son

Tonight my husband is working late and my daughter is out of state visiting family..and it is so quiet and I am alone with my thoughts..I recieved ny second letter from my son and I am really missing him.
I find I always try to push this situation to the back of my mind ..I sometimes feel like I have to not talk about Steven so much ...like I am a broken record or something.


I wonder who he is going to be when he comes home ..how will he fit back into the family ..the youngest brother will be 13 when he comes back ..he was 7 the last time he saw or talked to him ...This new normal is so strange and full of strange thoughts ..............
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Old 08-04-2009, 07:02 PM
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Sorry that you are having one of those days. It seems like we serve their time with them from the outside.

Big ole hug.
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Old 08-04-2009, 07:10 PM
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Don't we has mother's worried ourselves to death. I often wonder about the same things. None of us know what is in store for us, it is a hit and miss thing. I raised two children and one would never not in a million years do drugs and well the other is sitting in a cell because he loved drugs. Who they will be...it is up to them. They are grown and they do know right from wrong. We have done our job it is now their turn to do the next right thing...I told my son you can let the time do you or you can do the time. In other words I told him to get your crap together cause this is one mom who is sick to death of visiting and writting letters. I believe GOD is in control and my worries are his worries so I just let him handle it for me. Takes a load off my shoulders. GOD bless and it will be ok, honest. Hugs to you.
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Old 08-04-2009, 07:40 PM
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I can remember those times of being alone in the house with all my thoughts. The house seems so quiet and all you can do is think. I used to remember when my kids were little and all the noise, trying to get them in the bed. Then when they grow up and start venturing out on their own. And we are left with all the quietness. It really takes some getting used to and then when they have left us and made bad choices and ended up in prison. The quietness and reality really does set in on us then. We know that we are facing years of them being away from us. Right now, my house is kind of noisy again and I wished I could get some quiet time for a change. I run around always cutting the tv down, I ride in my car and don't listen to the radio just because I want the quietness. Seems I like my quiet time and just being by myself because I can be sad if I want to be and I don't have to put on a front for other people and try to fake it. I usually take a break by myself at work and read or write my son letters. Now would be a good time for you to clean out a closet or some cabinets, go through some old pictures or just do some organizing. I am sure before long it will not be quiet, so try to enjoy it the best you can and maybe doing some things around the house will help to keep your mind off things.
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Old 08-04-2009, 08:35 PM
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as difficult as it may be... these thoughts are part of "grieving" the loss of the future we had for our child.
eventually we come to realize that this is a barrier that he can overcome.
i pray that all his changes will help him become a better man.
i wish you the best... reflect on how he made you smile and be thankful that he has a future.
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Old 08-04-2009, 08:45 PM
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I agree with heartbrokenmom now is the time to clean the cobwebs off the ceiling and not the ones in your head...do some busy work that has been put off for way to long (we all have our put it off til later work) do any thing that takes you mind off your troubles for awhile...read a book go to the park and watch people ( i am a people watcher and I can always find someone doing something that makes me shake my head and laugh to myself about) and while you are at the park take a good look at the sky and the cloud formations....Just dont let the noise in your head take over give that to God and let him worry about it.... to me the quite is more deafning than all of the family noise because then I can hear the noise in my head and it dos'nt make me feel any better about the world.....I will be praying for you ((((((((Hugs)))))) Angel
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Old 08-05-2009, 06:13 AM
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all good words, not more I can add.

we all get these moments of intense emotions of missing our child. the new ones, more often, some of us who have been thru some time, well, we still have those moments. we will be going along just fine, then wham, thoughts of our child and the tears come, the missing them, the thoughts n questions. it all part of this journey and the process.

give him to the Lord and trust that when he comes home, he will be who God designed him to be. dont look at it for instant change, but trust that God is working in him.

hugs, prayers,
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Old 08-05-2009, 07:10 AM
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I too get sucked into those quite times, last night after a day of kids, nephew was here with his friend swimming, then my grandson ( 3yrs) was here raising the roof , I sat down just to whin down, and my son of course came to mind. I ended up looking at old photo albums of him as a child, and cryed. How I wish I could go back to those days. Every single picture he was smiling and laughing !!! So much joy back then. I often ask myself what happened ? Where did my happy baby boy go?
And then my Lord speaks to me. Everything will be ok child, he's in my hands. You will have that joy back, and every tear will be wiped from your eyes. Thank you Lord. Just wanted to share, we all now the pain of having our babies taken from us. God is in control, and he knows your pain and will mold and form you and your son into his perfect piece of art !!! Thanks for listening and God Bless you and Yours.
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Old 08-05-2009, 08:11 AM
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such wonderful words from all the parents here!
so true, so heartwrenching.

your son will be your son forever. his personality may be more intense at first, or more subdued. my son has been out almost 7 months. he has made new friends, btu still can be reclusive too. he trusts very few folks. he calls me daily. he works and is sometimes overhwhelmed with the bills he has -mostly fines to pay, but he chips away at them bit by bit.

this has been very traumatic for you and for your kids. but they are alive. having this hang over your heads day after day is bound to wear you out. you have to mentally fight back. some folks dig into cleaning and giving clothes to the goodwill boxes. some are paralyzed, waiting til their kids come home. I live near a park that my sons played at nightly. they would go over there and turn on the lights on the basketball court and play til 11PM. my teenaged sons would be there with their friends, playing a radio and I could hear the ball slapping the ground and occasional cheers when they won a game. kids still do that. I sit on my porch at night and listen and miss my young sons. I have the blessed ability to cal them on the phone, but truthfully they have their own lives and I don't want to impose on their evenings. I think no matter if they are in prison or if they simply married and moved across the country, mothers have empty nest for a long long time.

remember to breathe and be good to yourself. memories are good but we must live in this moment as well.
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Old 08-05-2009, 04:49 PM
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such wonderful words from all the parents here!
so true, so heartwrenching.

your son will be your son forever. his personality may be more intense at first, or more subdued. my son has been out almost 7 months. he has made new friends, btu still can be reclusive too. he trusts very few folks. he calls me daily. he works and is sometimes overhwhelmed with the bills he has -mostly fines to pay, but he chips away at them bit by bit.

this has been very traumatic for you and for your kids. but they are alive. having this hang over your heads day after day is bound to wear you out. you have to mentally fight back. some folks dig into cleaning and giving clothes to the goodwill boxes. some are paralyzed, waiting til their kids come home. I live near a park that my sons played at nightly. they would go over there and turn on the lights on the basketball court and play til 11PM. my teenaged sons would be there with their friends, playing a radio and I could hear the ball slapping the ground and occasional cheers when they won a game. kids still do that. I sit on my porch at night and listen and miss my young sons. I have the blessed ability to cal them on the phone, but truthfully they have their own lives and I don't want to impose on their evenings. I think no matter if they are in prison or if they simply married and moved across the country, mothers have empty nest for a long long time.

remember to breathe and be good to yourself. memories are good but we must live in this moment as well.
For me it is the knowledge that I cannot pick up the phone and talk to her. My nest may have been empty before she went to prison, but this is entirely different. I do all kinds of things every day and still unbidden the tears flow. I cannot see her when ever I want, talk to her daily, know that she will come over every Sunday. Someone who just does not care is in control now.

Maybe I held on closer than you did while she was home but we were more than just mother and daughter, we were friends, pals, and it is like a part of my heart has been ripped from my heart. I think we need to grieve as much as is needed to feel better again. Grief and tears are the human way after all. And I feel far too human!
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Old 08-08-2009, 09:22 PM
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I miss those days too. I'm a litlle late on this post but i've been doing some reading and thought I would jump in. I used to talk to my son almost everyday and now I'm lucky if I even get to here his voice. I cannot afford for him to call me everyday and I'm not always able to go see him. It also rips my heart out and I cry, I can't sleep and sometimes I can't keep my food down. Then there are times when I have the worst headache you could ever imagine, but nobody around me can understand why or see what's happening to me because it is shut out of their minds. They really don't want to know, I just don't get that! I come here for support and kindness by those who do understand. I hope you feel better real soon.
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Old 08-08-2009, 10:05 PM
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My husband finds visiting difficult. He loves to see his son but walks out terribly depressed even if it is a good visit. My husband is disabled and uses a cane and after the visit he is bent over like a ninety year old man.

I find it difficult to go into my son's car. It still smells like his cologne and the lump in my throat rises instantly. We try to keep up our normal schedule but if my husband starts cleaning out closets I know he is missing our son. This summer I decided we needed to treat ourselves with some day trips to NYC. One splurge and the rest we use coupons and "twofers". Nothing like Broadway and some cool museums to perk us up.
Honestly I think just the train ride is enough to get us thinking in a different way. I remember my son's psychiatrist telling him if he didn't have enough money to take a vacation he should take a day trip someplace he had never been. The novelty would renew his spirit. I hope you feel renewed soon.
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Old 08-09-2009, 03:21 AM
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Thank You all for the kind words ...I find it amazing that we all have the same feelings and thoughts. It is very comforting.

I think about Steven almost every minute of everyday ..I miss his laugh, our conversations, it is like a piece of my soul is missing. I can not wait until I can visit him ..I know I will be devestated to leave him there ..but I just want to hug him...
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Old 08-09-2009, 04:53 AM
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After 6 years I still cry through every visit. At first, it was the WHOLE duration of the visit - the tears just streamed quietly down my face, and it would make him to sad. He would be depressed for days and I ruined his holidays even more, if thats possible, so i stopped going for a while thinking i was doing more haarm than good. Now i just cry when its time to say good bye...they are quiet tears but since im always alone on the 5 hour drive back, sometimes i just scream and wail and get angry.
The day he was taken away in handcuffs and shackles, a peice of my heart stopped beating forever - its empty and hurts every second of every day.
I hope when he comes home that my heart can heal, if just a little.
I miss him horribly every single day and it really hasnt gotten much easier for me. Even now, he should be home in 7 days, I wake up crying because I miss him soo much, and miss 'what could have been'.
Done ranting now..sorry...its gonna be a difficult day at best
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Old 08-09-2009, 10:18 AM
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I agree that it is those quiet moments, when you're alone, that it hurts the most. I've done most of my crying in the car, by myself, when my thoughts can wander and are not occupied with work demands or school lectures.

Although my son is in for a shorter stint than a lot of you (90 day boot camp after a month at reception), I haven't seen him since sentencing day. My last vision is of him being taken away. We hugged and shed tears in the parking lot before going into court that day, and that's the last time I've seen him. There's no visitation in quarantine, and then no visitation at boot camp. I look forward to graduation day. I will probably be a basket case and cry the entire time.
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Old 08-09-2009, 12:07 PM
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I think that those quiet times are important - all alone, you can talk out loud to God, you can recall loving times with your son, you can cry about it. I, too, feel like a broken record about my son and I feel like everyone in my family just hears a "broken record" but it is not a broken record, it is a broken heart. I am keeping a journal on my compouter and I just type whatever comes into my mind. As a result of that, I feel better and sometimes not but I got it out and I always think of the folder it is in as letters to God. Embrace those alone times; maybe it is God's will so that you and He can have uninterrupted one - on - one time. You don't have to be the wife, sister, Mother, etc. You can just be you. Don't try to think so much on how you are "supposed" to feel. If you didn't feel these low, distressing times; that would be abnormal. Maybe today you will have some peace. Go to Lowes or WalMart and get yourself a pretty flower to pot and put on your front porch or a pack of seeds and plant them and watch them grow because you need to remind yourself that you are beautiful just as you are and you are in a growing process. We love you!!
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Old 08-09-2009, 10:14 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by beccasmom View Post
For me it is the knowledge that I cannot pick up the phone and talk to her. My nest may have been empty before she went to prison, but this is entirely different. I do all kinds of things every day and still unbidden the tears flow. I cannot see her when ever I want, talk to her daily, know that she will come over every Sunday. Someone who just does not care is in control now.

Maybe I held on closer than you did while she was home but we were more than just mother and daughter, we were friends, pals, and it is like a part of my heart has been ripped from my heart. I think we need to grieve as much as is needed to feel better again. Grief and tears are the human way after all. And I feel far too human!

Hi Beccasmom,

I feel just like you and sometimes ask myself, What did I do wrong?
And like you and your daughter- me and my son are very close. Just the mere fact that I haven't seen him or talked to him in 6 months is horrible. I get letters from him, but it isn't the same. I want to see him and give him a kiss on the cheek,and a big hug, just like when he was here with me. I cry all the time, sometimes I see young guys walking down the street and have to do a double take and remind myself that my son still has 5 years on his sentence. But I know that my son is in God's hands. I remind myself of this when I start feeling sad. That is what gets me thru the days and nights. I will have my first visit with him at Centinela on Saturday (Permitting they are not on lockdown), I haven't been able to sleep well for more than a week now, because I am so excited and nervous.

God Bless you Beccasmom and my thoughts and prayers are with you and your daughter.
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Old 08-11-2009, 09:52 PM
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Take time for you. If you need to cry let it out. If you need to scream then do it. Holding it in isn't good. I know about holding it in. I can't discuss my son at work. My husband won't talk about him and my husband hasn't worked in a year. We go camping a lot and when we do I sit and look at the scenery and reflect. I try to think of the good times. I try not to cry in front of my husband because he gets upset and angry thinking how my son has hurt me so and what it has done to me. So I try to get on my bike and take a ride or go for a walk and be alone and let it out. It's really good for the soul. I smoke and lots of nights before I go to bed I go outside (I don't smoke in the house) and I look up at the stars and talk to my parents who are both deceased and ask for their guidance and to watch over my son. I found that to be very helpful to me and I can usually fall asleep easily. I do leave the tv on and fall asleep that way or otherwise my mind is going a hundred miles an hour and all I do is toss and turn. I hope tomorrow will be a better day for you.
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Old 08-13-2009, 07:42 PM
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bigbrownsadeyes... since my sons arrest, sleep is hard to come by for me also, of course some is health issues, etc. but found the ticket to falling asleep right off, and having better sleep... my hubby reads to me - usually the Psalms. a chapter sometimes 2. I used to feel guilty falling asleep on the Word but what a wonderful way to sleep. takes out all the busy and even bad thoughts.


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Old 08-17-2009, 07:08 PM
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I think I am coping well enough until I start thinking about something my son would think was funny or just something to share with him are realize I can't pick up the phone and talk to him. When he wasn't living home he nearly called me ever day even went out with my husband and I quiet a bit - we all really enjoyed each others company so its very hard believing he is were he is. I try my hardest to put it out of my mind and do a pretty good job of believing he's ok its not so bad - but then I read things like that riot in CA and reality comes back. I guess we all must do our best to get though it's my son serving the time but somedays I feel like I am right there in that prison with him. I know it will get easier only because we learn to cope with the situation at hand, but I will feel this emptiness in my heart until he is released and can enjoy living his life again then I will truly feel whole again.
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Old 08-17-2009, 07:16 PM
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Sorry about that I kind of got off track I was starting out to try and lend some words of advice or support and got swept away by my own emotions today, don't know why but its been a bad day. I will say I do have more good these days if that helps at all! It started out as just moments then hours and now actual days my son is never actually out of my thoughts but it isn't just sadness the surrounds him anymore. I actually have found hope - hope for his future and I hold onto that.
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Old 07-07-2017, 11:20 PM
Misshimford Misshimford is offline
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Try to take it easy I can imagine what it must feel like to have a child in prison. I'd probably end up loosing weight for stressing so much. Stay strong for your family
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