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Wives & Girlfriends in Prison For everyone who has a wife, girlfriend, or female partner incarcerated.

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Old 09-14-2019, 11:26 PM
DannyBoy86 DannyBoy86 is offline
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Default Met through pen pals now she's in the hole :(

Hey guys. I finally signed up so I can post after only reading. Anyway I met a girl through write a prisoner a few months ago. Her first letter to me after I reached out was about as lovey dovey as you can get. We started writing back and forth, JPay, phone calls, the whole 9 yards. You would definitely
say she's mine and good luck telling her Im not hers.

Well I can only assume shes in the hole now and maybe something serious because I sent her some exempt envelopes a couple of weeks ago and still nothing back. I was actually supposed to go see her 2-3 times by now which sucks. It's been almost 5 weeks since she's been completely disappeared.

My question Is this. It's ok to keep writing her right? She needs it now more than ever I would think? Shes never asked me for a single dime and has been the most sincere relationship partner I've ever had. If I continue to write her 2 times a week sometimes 3 it won't bother her will it?

It just feels clingy for me to keep doing it but I know shes in the hole and can't show her usually adorable love. At first I didn't think of the hole and it almost ruined us. I've never had a felony nor even stepped foot in an institution. I actually at first never thought of anything other than her just ditching me.

After a week or so someone was talking to me on my Facebook messenger and basically said " bro bro she's gotta be down on restriction she didn't disappear ". He said he's been on both sides with prison relationships and he said I would have definitely noticed her being distant over time before pulling a total ghost move on me. He also said since I never sent any $ that she genuinely adores me.

It's safe to just keep sending her letters to keep her company right? I'm worried to death about her in that hole. She got 5 years and is out in 9 months so I hope she didn't catch anything crazy. I tried calling several times but I'm sure you guys know how that is with finding info from the prison. I successfully reached out to one mom who has a daughter in there by just blindly searching Facebook comments on the prison's page. Unfortunately shes not in her dorm though.

So keep sending 2-3 letters a week? She needs ot right? I'm hoping she gets out of there soon. Its been over 30 days and my messenger friend said unfortunately that likely means 60 days would be the next hope. It will be hard to communicate 1 way without her stuff to fuel writting ideas. Im thinking just keep telling her about my days and don't focus on anything with that horrible hole. Thaf way she gets a piece of normalcy in her life.

I'm glad my friend has experience. He said she would of still called me when released from the hole but after I read him parts of some letters from her right before she disappeared he said it would have killed her to not hear from me. He said especially with her knowing that I'm clueless on prison life she would have known that I thought she left and she would have been helpless in there. I would have felt so awful. Thank God he talked to me. You guys agree that shes definitely in the hole? Or at least very likely? I havent talked to him in 2-3 years. Things happen for a reason. You know what I mean? I miss her voice dearly. Thanks guys.
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Old 09-14-2019, 11:34 PM
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Just wanted to shoot a quick message here since I am at a concert and my phone is on the verge of dying. But just wanted to say hang in there.

Iíll respond more in-depth after I get home. Assuming that the post-concert traffic isnít so bad.
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Old 09-14-2019, 11:59 PM
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Thanks bro. I just signed up and started posting. But I've followed and read daily ever since I met her about 4 months ago. You're a cool person and look out for a lot of people. Thanks for such a quick shout. Take your time and stay safe in that traffic bro. I appreciate you!
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Old 09-15-2019, 12:36 AM
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The 2 times my wife got hole shot I wrote her everyday. It was a blessing for her that she didn't think I would abandon her (not a chance). Granted I had a lot of things to write about, but it absolutely made a difference. I would keep writing.
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Old 09-15-2019, 05:47 AM
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Keep writing, it’s not expensive and it will break her day up. Never know what crap goin on from lockdowns to whatever happens in there.
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Old 09-15-2019, 11:16 AM
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Hey man, sorry for not writing a longer response last night. But I got the notification on Tapatalk during the last intermission and wanted to just shoot something because I know those gaps where you don't hear from her can be stressful as hell. I went through a few of those.

Prisons, of course, are notoriously private about what's going on, but if she's still showing up on the locator then that would show she's still alive.

You MIGHT be able to get clarification from the prison as to what's going on if there's someone either at the prison itself or at the state level who can give you her current housing unit. You could just say it's because you're writing out her address and want to make sure the unit itself is correct. I'm not saying it's a guarantee, but definitely worth a shot. in California there is a way to do it. I'm not entirely sure if you're in California or in Pennsylvania or if there's another Lancaster out there (I know there are cities called Lancaster here and back there,) and I'm not sure where she's housed. But I do know out here there's supposed to be...I think it's a number you can call in Sacramento for more complete housing information on an inmate. I think one of the package sites used to be able to give you at least a partial housing location when you ordered (but it has been several years, so I can't remember.)

It's also possible, if she is in SHU or AdSeg for something, especially if she's being investigated, that they are taking extra precautions with her mail. I know there were times when Dee was getting her mail with "extra treatment." I sent in letters the same day to her and to another woman at the prison who we're both friends with. The other woman got her letter within a week. Dee's took a month. That told me all I needed to know.

For now the best thing to do is to keep writing to her.

The only other possibility I can think of is that if she caught a new case while in prison for any reason or if she had an old case that never got finalized and got picked up on a warrant she could be out to court at a county jail. There's ways to find this out in California (less sure about out of state.)

But yes. Keep writing. Whatever the situation is, she's going to need the support. And even if it's delayed, eventually, that mail will get to her.

Hang in there man. You're handling this right, and your friend on Facebook who's been on both sides is definitely a great resource in addition to what you've got here. We can all use all the resources we can get.

-Eric
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Old 09-15-2019, 11:48 AM
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So... keep writing, for now. But... keep your wits about you. Hole or not, she can send and receive mail. It might take a few weeks at first but the mail will keep going. If a month, 6 weeks passes and you still haven’t had a letter, you may need to re-evaluate with the possibility that you’ve been ghosted.
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Old 09-15-2019, 01:59 PM
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Originally Posted by Marseille View Post
So... keep writing, for now. But... keep your wits about you. Hole or not, she can send and receive mail. It might take a few weeks at first but the mail will keep going. If a month, 6 weeks passes and you still havenít had a letter, you may need to re-evaluate with the possibility that youíve been ghosted.
There was one time when Dee was in the hole and I heard nothing for over 2 months. It's not black-and-white when it comes to this sort of thing.
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Old 09-15-2019, 06:40 PM
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There was one time when Dee was in the hole and I heard nothing for over 2 months. It's not black-and-white when it comes to this sort of thing.
Totally agree w missingdee. Keep writing her. And even if there’s a delay becuz of an investigation, etc eventually they’ll get to her and they will make her day. When my husband left to receiving I wrote every single day not knowing when/where/how he’d be transferred to his parent prison. It was torture for both of us. I only received one letter and it was the night before he left county. He never got one of my letters, books, photo cards, nothing the entire time he was in receiving. A week after he was transferred he got a box of shit forwarded with every single piece of mail I sent and said it felt so good to read and see I wrote every single day and felt all the same things he did. Fifty seven days of nothing from me. Fifty seven... makes my heart hurt thinking he was alone in those conditions that long. So keep on writing her my friend! A stamp doesn’t cost much and you’ll get clarity soon!!!
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Old 09-15-2019, 06:51 PM
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First...welcome to the posting side of PTO.

Second...take a breath. Done? Take another one.

This amped up anxiety is going to make you ill. Literally. And, also literally, there's very little you can do until she's able to contact you.

Maybe switch to postcards for a week. They're cheap, cheaper on postage and they force you to pare your words down if you're worried about being clingy.

It's true, IF, she's in the hole, she can still write, though in some cases it may take time to get those supplies. If she's being investigated, it can hold up mail in both directions.

No need to answer here, but do you know if she had any other cases outstanding? Any health issues? Any ongoing issue that may have got her written up and put in the hole.

And if she's ghosted you, well, again, not much you can do about it. I would say after 6-8 weeks, if you haven't heard, you may write again and say that you're going to stop writing but she's welcome to reach out any time. Leave it open.

Ok, now breathe again.
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Old 09-15-2019, 07:01 PM
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There was one time when Dee was in the hole and I heard nothing for over 2 months. It's not black-and-white when it comes to this sort of thing.
6 weeks, two months, whatever youíve got in ya... but Iím a big proponent of keeping your own dignity in a relationship and that doesnít leave room for endlessly writing someone who isnít writing back. Maybe the mail takes 2 months. My scenario is at least as likely as yours... actually, because I work in a prison, Iím comfortable saying my scenario is more likely than yours.

Itís cool to keep writing for a minute... but just like Iíd tell my friends out here if they were getting along really well with a dude on Tinder and he suddenly dropped off the face of the earth... ghost happens.

OP... good luck to ya man. I hope she answers soon.
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Old 09-15-2019, 07:47 PM
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Go with your gut . I agree tho that after too long it maybe best to let her know you’re there if she want to keep in contact or balls in her court as far as contact . One thing I thought reading your first post is she sounds like too much too soon with the lovey dovey. After all you were just a stranger at that point . Could be a type that once the high of meeting a new person fades they lose interest . Maybe not though just something to keep in mind .
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Old 09-16-2019, 12:03 PM
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actually, because I work in a prison, I’m comfortable saying my scenario is more likely than yours.
In my experience, I don't trust people who work in prisons. A lot of people who come to these boards don't because they've had bad experiences dealing with people who work in prisons. I personally had plenty of them. While it's helpful to gain insights from people who work there, I trust the guards and free staff about as much as I trust inmates, which at this point is not much. I try to keep my bias to myself for the most part, but I don't think it's responsible to keep silent after reading a comment like that. Generally, much like I don't trust an inmate's word until it proves to be good, and I don't trust an ex-con's word until it proves to be good, I also don't trust a guard or "free staff" (teacher, plumber, etc.) until they've proven to me to be good. And the ones who do...generally don't preface their statements with words like "because I work in a prison, I'm comfortable saying I know more than you do."



That said, OP should...


1.) know facts, and actually, because I've been in a relationship with someone who was in prison, I'm comfortable saying my scenario happened and has at least as much weight as your scenario. I'm not sure why whether I worked in a prison or not should make me less-than when advising on these forums. My scenario might be right. It might be wrong. But it happened. (Further.....the facts you seem to want to ignore are that SHU terms happen, investigations happen, mail gets investigated, and on the inmates' end, being isolated into segregation can bring on depression and cause them to fall out of contact. I would think that, working in a prison, you would know that, too.)



2.) figure out at what point they're good with backing off and letting it be. OP knows his limits. Right now I think he's okay to keep writing. If we get to three months, four months and nothing...then maybe there's an evaluation for him. OP's dignity and emotional integrity are ultimately up to him. Not you. Clearly, his post makes it clear that he's not yet at a point where he's wanting to move on.



-Eric
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Last edited by missingdee; 09-16-2019 at 12:09 PM..
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Old 09-16-2019, 03:12 PM
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It’s cool... you certainly don’t have to trust me. You have the freedom to write off the opinions of an entire subset of the population for whatever reason you see fit. You don’t know me and that’s fine. But I do see things from both sides, having been MWI at one point and also teaching here for a significant part of my career. I didn’t say I “know more” than you. What I do know is different things than what you know. So your experiences and what you say add to the conversation, and my experiences also add to the conversation. Different perspectives. I also know how I feel as a woman when men continue to contact me when I feel I’ve made it clear that I no longer desire contact, which is why I suggested not writing to her indefinitely with no response. Is ignoring someone a good choice for making that clear? Of course not... but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen ALL THE TIME... whether in or out of prison.

I’m well aware of SHU and investigations. I’m aware that mail delays happen for all kinds of reasons. I’m also aware of fickleness. They are all valid possibilities to explain the situation. I’m trying to interrupt the echo chamber. Neither you nor the OP are required to pay it any consideration at all besides what your moderator duties require of you... and my post here certainly hasn’t been abusive of the rules.

I genuinely hope that she answers soon. If she doesn’t, it’s important that he feels he’s done what he can. But again, I also hope he values his time and energy and dignity enough to know when to fold.
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