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  #1  
Old 06-08-2019, 10:58 AM
SadMom123# SadMom123# is offline
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Default I am spending my rent money to keep son safe

Hi. I am new to this site but my son has bee in and out of prison for 15 years. He turned 33 last month. Over the years I have given him thousands of dollars to keep him from being beaten, raped, stolen from etc. i finally had enough and cut him off. He groomed me. I started giving him a few bucks weekly and next thing you know he is again owing money and being threatened. How do you know when it is true? I can not afford this and it hasnít ever really ended. Obviously Iím being extorted fromó-right? Logic tells me yes but Iím my heart I am scared to death that Iím going to get ďthat call@ if I donít give him the $50 he just asked for after having given him about $800 in the last month. Iím a idiot.
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Old 06-08-2019, 11:53 AM
SadMom123# SadMom123# is offline
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Default Now my son threatening suicide if I donít send money!

This is my 2nd post (sorry). I am beside myself and donít k kw what to do. As I said previously I added everything up and I have given him over 800 in the last 4 weeks.

Bottom line: is $50 gonna save him?
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Old 06-08-2019, 11:56 AM
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You are absolutely being extorted but I understand how hard it is and how much it hurts to know that your son would do this to you.

The facts are... he’s a grown man and he’s no newcomer to prison. He knows how to play the game and if you stick to your word, he’s going to be ok. Will he need to rethink his lifestyle? Definitely. Will it be uncomfortable and unpleasant for him? Absolutely. But he’ll be ok, and if for some reason he’s not, that’s HIS fault, because of HIS actions, not yours.
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Old 06-08-2019, 12:12 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SadMom123# View Post
This is my 2nd post (sorry). I am beside myself and donít k kw what to do. As I said previously I added everything up and I have given him over 800 in the last 4 weeks.

Bottom line: is $50 gonna save him?
I merged your two posts as they are the same subject.

Mom, you gotta buck up. As hard as it is, you can't keep doing this. He's using you and you're encouraging it. Entitlement is a BIG reasons folks wind up as repeat offenders.
You're struggling with the idea of being extorted by your son, but have you processed the idea that you handing over money might be contributing to his re-offending? He has no reason to change at this point.

Maybe it's time to cut phone calls for a while and stick to letters. Be loving, be supportive but do not feed whatever addiction he's got going on-- substance, manipulative or otherwise.
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Old 06-08-2019, 12:28 PM
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Most places have spending limits on commissary, so to give him that much you would be sending to outside sources. It is to pay off debts he has incurred due to drugs or gambling.

If he has ask for you to Western Union money or Green Dot cards etc, he is running a game on you.
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Old 06-08-2019, 12:34 PM
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Default I am spending my rent money to keep son safe

Hi I have also had a son in prison and I know how hard it is . You know what though things won't change unless you show him tough love. He is an adult and he needs to make adult grown up decisons. He is playing you and your enabling.
Stop the money and phone calls as Mia says switch to letters to give him support. Its hard but you can do it you can stop enabling him. Good luck
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Last edited by maytayah; 06-09-2019 at 10:27 AM..
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Old 06-08-2019, 02:05 PM
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Don't put yourself down like that or beat yourself up! A BIG lesson has been learned here. You going to have to show your son really tough love and learn to tell him NO! If you haven't already been doing that with him. He put himself into this situation all the time. It's not your job to keep getting him out of it and just for him to do it all over again. It's no way of knowing if it's true or not. But I'll stop sending him that type of money all together...You have to worry about you and take care of yourself. I do feel he's getting over on you because he knows he can. He knows the system well enough to not get himself caught up in situations on the inside. You have to put your foot down on things and mean it when you do it. If you don't he'll continue to get you to send him money. Since he knows you'll do it.

My uncle was like this always asking for money every time he writes he needs money. Family already sent him money for the month and he still needs more. Everyone put their foot down and didn't send him any more money when he asked for it. He got it when someone had it and it was only enough to get snacks. Now what he did with it when he got it that's on him. But nobody wasn't going to send him anymore money. Everyone let him know that when writing him back on it. I guess he got the message because he stop asking and demanding money. Everyone knew something was wrong because it got to where he would have other inmates to write letters. Tough love has never been hard to give to him. He got it! He learned nobody wasn't going to keep sending him money like that to him. His parents (both deceased) would send him money all the time and it's many days my mother and the rest of their 6 kids went liking a lot of things because of it. You can only do so much for your child. But you can't allow your child to control your life to where they think you supposed to go liking of things to send them money. Nobody gets them into these situations on the inside...one that has been in and out of the system should know better. My uncle has been in and out of the system for years so he should of known better. He thought he could get his way and get over on family. Sometimes you have to say no and show tough love. It's hard but it has to be done.
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Old 06-08-2019, 04:38 PM
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Owing money to other prisoners is self inflicted trouble. As long as you bail him out, he has shown by his actions that he will continue to do whatever it is he's doing (probably buying drugs or other contraband), so cutting off his money supply may eventually keep him out of future trouble.

I know it's hard, but my advice is to let him handle his own problems.
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Old 06-09-2019, 06:57 AM
SadMom123# SadMom123# is offline
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Thank you all so much. I am definitely not going to send him any more extra money. Iyou are all right. He is playing me. He is most likely still using. Probably never stopped. It is a very sad think to watch. Knowing God is in charge gives me a bit of peace. Thank you again for taking the time to help me figure this out. ��
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Old 06-09-2019, 10:27 AM
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I agree with the others. Stop sending him money.
IF you really feel you want to send him a few dollars if you can afford it, then do so.
But most of their needs are taken care of (food as cruddy as it probably is, water, clothing, roof over their heads) Which is more than you get.
Give him the barest min. (like 25 dollars a month if you can afford that) And I wouldnt even be doing that.
I didnt have the money to send much to my hubby while in. I needed it too. I sent what I could and hub understood that. If he asked me for it? I'd send it. It was never more than like 35 dollars (if that)
I'd let him know up front.

Im not sending you anymore money. I need it out here to survive.
You have what you NEED.
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Old 06-09-2019, 10:54 AM
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My boyfriend did that for a while well we were still together. Was new at the whole prison thing so I believed it for a few months. Wised up and told him I was going to use the money I would be sending him to pay someone to actually beat him up. He stopped asking.
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Old 06-09-2019, 09:59 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SadMom123# View Post
Thank you all so much. I am definitely not going to send him any more extra money. Iyou are all right. He is playing me. He is most likely still using. Probably never stopped. It is a very sad think to watch. Knowing God is in charge gives me a bit of peace. Thank you again for taking the time to help me figure this out. ��

If you are in Alabama you might want to check into a support group to help you through this. I found one that might be something for you to check into. It's called Extended Family. The founder's husband went to prison & she started this organization to help families get through the struggle. There is a resource page that has a lot of good links to other groups.

http://www.extendedfamilyhelp.org/

Prison Fellowship is a wonderful group that also helps families & those incarcerated. Here is a link to their support site for Alabama. https://www.prisonfellowship.org/res...oners/#alabama
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Old 06-10-2019, 12:56 PM
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I went through the same thing with my son. He kept saying he needed money and the reasons were from sneakers (true) to he accidentally broke someone else's TV (lie) to all his clothes were stolen in the laundry (fact or fiction?). After $500 in 3 weeks, I said no to the next request and don't bother making up a story. I told him don't ask me for money anymore or I wouldn't send any at all. Eventually, he did get sent to the bathrooms to engage in a fight with someone bigger than him. No permanent damage. I recognize that the result is not typical, but in my son's case he did stop using after that, a year and half after his arrest.

It's not just the money, but also anything you send him or for him can be used as trade for drugs/alcohol/gambling or other bad choices. Also, when the other inmates who are providing him credit for this stuff knows that family will come through and pay or they know he receives money and securepaks on a regular basis, they are more willing to extend even more credit. To counter that, whatever I sent after I initially cut him off, I sent in irregular amounts on an irregular basis. Now knowing if, how much, or when made him more of a risk to the lenders/sellers.

In AZ, knowing what the food was like, and confirming he was taking a college class each semester and had a prison job (at 25 to 40 cents an hour), I settled on $100 a month from which they deducted 20% toward his fines. Phones were on a collect account that I paid into, so he could only call me or his sister. I was very clear to never ask me for money or there would be nothing. After he was clean for a while, there was an obvious change in his attitude and demeanor in phone calls and in person.

The fear of what might happen to him is very real. I was scared, but I couldn't afford to fund his drug habit and I definitely did not want to do so. As others pointed out, it is his actions and his choices which consequences he needs to deal with or there will never be any change. Take comfort in knowing that you are making the right choice for the right reasons and take care of yourself first.
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