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Raising Children with Parents in Prison For the Parent left behind with children AND for the Children that have a parent inside. Discussion of unique challenges facing this group!

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  #1  
Old 01-17-2011, 11:50 PM
missmydad19 missmydad19 is offline
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Unhappy My father is in jail

I know that this forum is not specifically set for this but I have read some other people who have posted similar stories and I really need to get this out. I am 26 years old. My father was arrested on October 11, 2010 and has been in jail ever since for charges that are completely ludacris. My family has pretty much done nothing. I have remained in contact with him everyday as well as his attorney and kept up to date on his case. I have walked through all of this with him. He was initially in Tennesse then extradited to Minnesota then federally arrested and taken somewhere else in Minnesota. I am so mad and sad for him. He has never been in trouble with the law in his entire life and his kindness has put him in a terrible position. He is not by any means perfect but I know that my dad wouldnt even consider the crimes hes been accused of. I just need to get this out. This whole thing has completely consumed my life. I am constantly thinking about it, researching, and networking with other people looking for ways to help him. I have done a lot so far. But I have really bad days. Days where I dont want to get off the couch and would rather numb out. I am good at being strong, being a survivor through all of this. I can only imagine how my dad is feeling. 3 months he has been in jail now. Never once has he stepped foot in jail before. My relationship is struggling because of this. I need words of advice on what I should do. This is the hardest thing thus far in my life that I have had to deal with. It makes the rest of the things I have gone through look like cake. I am afraid that he is going to be sentence to several years in prison and that Im not going to see him again for a long time. Im used to talking to him everyday. I have been close to him my whole life. Please help me.

Dani
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  #2  
Old 01-18-2011, 04:07 AM
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Hi Dani and welcome to PTO. Your father is a very lucky man to have a daughter so dedicated to helping him. The most important advice I can give you is don't let yourself get so wrapped up in his case that you stop taking care of yourself. It sounds like you're his lifeline, much like most of us Mom's here are the lifeline for our children in prison. It's a tough job and it can consume you if you're not careful. Take some time every day just for you. Make sure you are eating well and sleeping enough and don't let yourself lose sight of other things that are important for you (like your own relationship).

Your father's attorney is going to try to get him the best outcome possible and you have to trust that he's going to do just that. If your father does end up getting some time out of this he's going to need you then as well. So, this journey you are on with your father isn't going to be ending anytime soon. It's wonderful that you're available to talk with your father often and you'll still be able to do that if he is sentenced to prison. There's no way to predict where he might end up going if he has to serve some time so don't worry just yet about not being able to see him for a long time.

There's another forum here called Raising Children with Parents in Prison that is also for people like you who have a parent in (or going to ) prison. I don't know how busy that forum is on a regular basis or how many others in your situation that you might find there, but that's another potential source of support for you. There's also a forum specifically for Federal Prisons where you could probably find lots of information about the FBOP and it's policies. Lastly, there's a Prison Legal Forum where you can post any legal questions you might have that the attorney hasn't answered for you or even if you just want a second opinion. There's a few attorneys who regularly post there that might have some insight for you.

Feel free to visit us in the parents forum as well. Our situations may be reversed but that doesn't mean we don't understand what you are going through. We help each other get through the tough times and try to have a few laughs along the way.

I wish you and your father well as you continue on this journey through the federal court system. I don't know alot about it but it does seem that federal justice is particularly slow. So, be strong, take some time for yourself every day, and don't isolate yourself from your loved ones who can be a great source for support to you. This is a tough journey but you can do it and we will help however we can. Once again, welcome to PTO.
Sending prayers for your father and hugs to you....Niki
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Old 01-18-2011, 05:14 AM
Tracy147 Tracy147 is offline
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Your dads lucky to have such a wonderful oving daughter as you, but honey, u cant stop living YOUR life for what has happened. I dont know what your dad did, but he has an atty that will help him figure this out. You will see your dad again, and will hug him again. It very devastating to have someone you love, go thru this, as I lost my 17yr old son to prison for 6yrs. I felt like you in many ways, but it will get better, just give it time. You have to pull yourself together as you wont be any good to your dad, nor anyone else around you if you dont. Take care, be patient, xoxox
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Old 01-18-2011, 08:48 AM
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awww sweetie, I know its hard. Tho its my husband who is in prison, not my father.
You and he will get thru this. It wont be easy.
But writing to him will help him. Write about what your doing, how the weather is, how your job is going if you work or fill him in on family goings on.
Im very sorry this is happening to you and your dad. Your family too.

You do need to remember to care for yourself and your relationship(s) Because you cant be losing yourself in this. Otherwise there wont be anything left!
Please take it one day at a time. Even smaller increments if you have to.
((Hugs))
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Old 01-18-2011, 08:55 AM
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I am sorry to hear about your dad, it is never easy to see someone you love
locked up.

Like Sidewalker said it wont be easy, there will be good days and bad days, however you really can't let the bad ones bring you down. While this sounds hard don't let it consume you otherwise there is no way you can get through this, you need to think about yourself as well.

Forums like this will help you loads I am sure of that, I know everyone here helped me a lot in the past.
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Old 01-18-2011, 11:01 AM
mrsrimoldi mrsrimoldi is offline
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Dani,
I am so sorry you are dealing with all this. I know just how you feel though. I was just like you when my son was first arrested~ until he was sentenced my life was consumed with the details! I felt like I was fighting for his life. My relationship suffered as well and I didn't care~ lucky my husband was understanding and stood by waiting to have his wife back.
I'd like to advise you to understand doing what you can to help your dad ( God Bless you for that) is good but it do not make this your whole life. The outcome is going to be what it is. Knowing you support and love your dad no matter what is the best thing you can do for both of you.
I was so afraid my son wouldn't be a big part of my life when he went to prison. Like you and your dad we talked to each other everyday and were very close. I'm happy to report after 6 years behind bars my son and I are still very close. We talk on the phone almost every otherday, I "have lunch" with him almost every week and he still feels very much a big part of our family.
I wish you the best sweety.
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Old 01-18-2011, 11:24 AM
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dani
I know you are worried. Somehow you have to remember that God is in control. you do not have to "fix" this. your dad has a lawyer and you have a life.

you cannot serve this sentence with or for him. he will make it no matter what. you will be able to write to him all you want no matter what. there might be times you cannot talk to him daily but he will be ok.

you are going to need your relationship more than ever. don't ignore that person. set aside some time each day to dwell on your dad/pray for him. keep it limited. worrying 24/7 cannot change a thing and will wear you out for sure.

don't panic. trust that the best possible outcome will come true for your dad. I know that all sounds easier said than done. try this, have a mantra. when you get concerned or cannot sleep say this over and over to God:
"Increase my faith" "Increase my faith" "Increase my faith"
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Old 01-18-2011, 11:45 AM
silvereagle silvereagle is offline
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I've tried to write a response here and its hard! We the people on these boards have such difficult circumstances to deal with, and I don't know what to say. Except that I say a prayer for you and your dad. I want to tell you that you have to fight against the depression or it'll pull you down, and you don't have to let it. You can do more than one thing at a time. You can feel good about some things while you still feel bad about your dad. Don't lose the happiness from your life. I fought it and succeeded, and you can too.
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Old 01-18-2011, 02:47 PM
missmydad19 missmydad19 is offline
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Thanks to everyone for all of your responses. I really appreciate it. I am going to take that advice and take some time for me. I still show up for work and take care of my children but Im sure they can see that I am not all present right now. I will post back with any updates I receive. Thanks again and God Bless.

Dani
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Old 03-08-2011, 10:39 AM
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Whooah! i feel like i just found my twin sister! my dad was arrested on October 9, 2010. and has been is since. he has been in prison once before and we didnt have as good of a realtionship as we do this time around. it is truely the Hardest thing ive ever been through.. My mom and him are in the process of getting divorced but are best friends. but my mom likes to talk shit on my dad when she gets mad because she knows it is the only thing that really gets to me. im the only one who writes him and also keeps in touch with his case worker and everyone else that is involved in his case. This is what i would say to do, make sure to write him atleast once a week if not more. sometimes i will write my dad everyday and just send them all at the end of the week. letter mean the world to anyone in prison! also money, money also means a lot. which is hard now because there arent many jobs! but that means a lot so they can but food treats etc.. (smokes, chew. if they use either of those) and phone calls also mean a lot. but there is alot you can say in a letter that you may not feel comfortable saying on the phone. support is really what they need. me and my grandparents ( his mom & dad) are the only ones writing him. and it makes it even harder when no one you may live with or your family will support you. i used to cry everynight/day i wouldnt ever want to do anything, didnt want to talk to anyone, didnt want to have friends. i got really depressed. and than my dad called one day and we had a deep conversation. and that really made me realize that he doesnt want to to cry everyday. he doesnt want me to be sad all the time. he wants me to be happy. he wants the best for me. and now its like he almost controls when i cry or not. i rarely ever cry now because i know that we are both doing time and he wants to cry and be depressed too but he cant. he has to have something to look forward too. and so do i. i love my dad more than anything and im sure you do to! and also i wrote the board of pardons a week and a half before he went to court and i honestly think that helped a lot. because now he is getting released and terminated on april 12, 2011.
im here whenever you need to talk! i hope something in here helps you.
Hope (:
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Old 08-17-2011, 07:49 PM
achristine achristine is offline
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I am so sorry to hear aboutyour father. My dad is also in and no one in his family has anything to do with him. It will get better just stay by his side and don't leave it. T
here will be days where you don't know how you'll make it through. I always find it helpfull to write stuff down rather it be a letter to him or just write my feelings down. I see it as a way to release alot of emotions. I hope you will find the strength you need.
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Old 08-18-2011, 07:25 PM
amanda.dunn17 amanda.dunn17 is offline
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I've never been on this site untin about 10 minutes ago. My father got put away in 1991. I've met him, but I was too young to remember. I'm now 21 years old. I have mixed feelings on the whole situation. My whole life I was told one thing, when I turned 16, I was told that it may be a lie. Whether it's a lie or not, there's still things that my mother says about him that he did that makes me angry. He wants to have a relationship with me. I've only come close to seeing him twice since my knowledge of everything. Up until I was 15 years old, I had never gotten a letter, a phone call, nothing. I didn't even know that side of the family until a cousin found me on myspace. I do feel more comfortable talking now, as I can't talk about this to my family, too many people seem to get upset when I do. I haven't responded to any of his letters in over a year. I write, but I don't send them. It's almost like I'm scared. Aside from being angry over the fact that he ends his letters in "daddy", he tells me he loves me and I just can't say it back. It sounds horrible, even in my head it does, but I don't know him to love him, or to call him daddy. He understands that my step father is the man that raised me and wouldn't try and take his place. But just thinking of the fact that he wants to get to know me, to call my son his grandson, to tell me he loves me and want to know everything about me upsets me so much because, him claiming to be who he says he is and not knowing anything, just really rubs me the wrong way. I need advice and someone to talk to that can understand where I'm coming from. I really hope I don't sound like a completely horrible person.

Amanda
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Old 08-18-2011, 07:34 PM
amanda.dunn17 amanda.dunn17 is offline
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Have faith and don't let the evils of the world conquer your strength. He will get his redemption in the end. it's a sad thing that innocence has to be taken from those that don't deserve it, but if you can be strong for him, and for your family, together ya'll will be able to find peace and justice. God says patience is a virtue, use it wisely and never give up hope.

-amanda.dunn17

Quote:
Originally Posted by missmydad19 View Post
I know that this forum is not specifically set for this but I have read some other people who have posted similar stories and I really need to get this out. I am 26 years old. My father was arrested on October 11, 2010 and has been in jail ever since for charges that are completely ludacris. My family has pretty much done nothing. I have remained in contact with him everyday as well as his attorney and kept up to date on his case. I have walked through all of this with him. He was initially in Tennesse then extradited to Minnesota then federally arrested and taken somewhere else in Minnesota. I am so mad and sad for him. He has never been in trouble with the law in his entire life and his kindness has put him in a terrible position. He is not by any means perfect but I know that my dad wouldnt even consider the crimes hes been accused of. I just need to get this out. This whole thing has completely consumed my life. I am constantly thinking about it, researching, and networking with other people looking for ways to help him. I have done a lot so far. But I have really bad days. Days where I dont want to get off the couch and would rather numb out. I am good at being strong, being a survivor through all of this. I can only imagine how my dad is feeling. 3 months he has been in jail now. Never once has he stepped foot in jail before. My relationship is struggling because of this. I need words of advice on what I should do. This is the hardest thing thus far in my life that I have had to deal with. It makes the rest of the things I have gone through look like cake. I am afraid that he is going to be sentence to several years in prison and that Im not going to see him again for a long time. Im used to talking to him everyday. I have been close to him my whole life. Please help me.

Dani
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  #14  
Old 09-06-2011, 01:28 PM
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Dani,

We are on the same boat. I have joined recently with hopes of finding others going through my situation and with hopes of helping and getting some help myself.

I read your words and felt like I was reading my own thoughts. Please know that you are not alone in this struggle and we need to be here for our fathers, the same way they have been here for us.

If you need to vent or want to talk more, please feel free to contact me.

Keep your head up! <3
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