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The War on Drugs - and the results of it A war against drugs, or against families?

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  #1  
Old 06-06-2017, 03:29 PM
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Hello All,

I am posting as I am concerned and I hope that someone has went through this and has come out successfully. Bear with me because I want to give a thorough explanation before asking my own question.

My boyfriend started to sell drugs when he was just 13 as his father was a drug dealer, and although he was not around much, he did witness it. His mother was not much better and refused to work, so at just 13, she put it on him to ensure that, he, his brother and sister were taken care of. He made sure rent was paid, food was on the table, and his siblings were fed. It is actually quite sad that he went through this, because in my opinion this helped to shape who he has become today.

He has done time before for selling, and when he came home, his family did the same thing as before and expressed that they needed his help again. When he got out, he had a real job. Was working 40 hours a week, but the money was minimum wage, so it was not enough to help his family, so of course he got back into it, and subsequently was arrested again. He is currently facing trafficking charges due to the amount of drugs he was in possession of when he was arrested.

I want to note that, even though some people think I would, I did not reap the benefits of this behavior and always pushed him to get away from it, and get a real job again. Of course that is hard when you are making the money because of the difference.

I brought it up the other day during our visit, and asked him if he REALLY WANTS to change, and that I was concerned that he will not be able to change due to the lifestyle being addicting, and him not being able to tell loved ones no.

He told me that he sincerely does want to change, but because he's lived this way for the last 13 years, he is scared that he may not be able to. I asked him what he needed from me to keep him focused, and to keep him, focused when he came home. He told me that he does not know what he needs or how to really get away.

I told them there are a few things he needs to do:

1. Learn to tell people no. Family or not, they are not his responsibility to take care of and always get them out of binds. I also reminded him that the people that were reaping the benefits, do not come to visit him, did not pay for his lawyer, don't write him and do not put money on his books. They don't come to his court cases. They literally left him there.

2. He needs to realize that the fast lifestyle is not going to be there. We will not be able to just go pay cash for a new car without saving for a while. We will not be able to go buy brand new clothes and shoes every week. Those things are nice, but that's all they are, is things. This is hard for him as he grew up with nothing, and I understand that.

3. Realize that while yes, you can provide for a short period of time, long term your child (and future children hopefully) miss you. You are biologically your daughters father, but would you rather struggle to pay bills or have your children grow up without a father. I told him that I do not want our children to grow up without a father as having a father in my own life has helped me get through so many things. (My dad is my number 1 fan, and I don't know what I'd do without him)

4. I asked him if he had to choose 3 memories to take with him when he died, what they would be. He told me they would be his daughter, love, and motorcycles. To him I responded, then having money is not as important as you think it is. Yes, it takes money to feed and clothe your daughter, love is free, and motorcycles cost money, but its an achievable goal without selling drugs.

5. I don't know if I should of said this one, but I told him that if he came home and went back to it that I would leave him, child or no child. I explained that I cannot live the life of not knowing if he has been arrested, or worse, that he may be dead on the side of a road, and will not subject our children to it. I explained him I do love him unconditionally, but I will not live that life, nor will I go through 2 bids with him. One is more than enough, and we do not even know how long he will be away for.


I'm hoping this conversation helps him. He did say that it's been getting him thinking about a real future and that he truly wants to change.

If anyone has gone through this, and has had a success, please tell me what you did. Did you make your loved one go through a program?

Even if you tried ad failed, please share so I can see what works and what does not work.

Thank you in advance!
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Old 06-06-2017, 07:24 PM
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Honestly...you can't "make him go through a program." I can see me now trying to "make" My Mr do anything Hard-headed man that he is You can't make him do anything. Its all on him and I know how frustrating it is and how painful it is I do believe you gave him good advice, most of which will be reiterated in many drug programs = He'll have to give up "people, places and things." He'll have to learn that its ok to say "No" to others, even family.

I can understand the ultimatum. Straighten the f#@K up or I'm outta here. Easier said than done, but its best (IMHO) for the partner and children to stay out of that lifestyle.

My Mantra:

I didn't cause it.
I can't cure it.
I can't control it.
Love from a distance.

No, I didn't make that up...but I forget where I read it For me, it relates to the addicts in my life. For you, even if he doesn't use, he has an addiction to the life, to the money, to the adrenaline.

Good Luck.....I hope he does leave the life behind and become the man you & your child(ren) need

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  #3  
Old 06-08-2017, 08:27 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by patchouli View Post
Honestly...you can't "make him go through a program." I can see me now trying to "make" My Mr do anything Hard-headed man that he is You can't make him do anything. Its all on him and I know how frustrating it is and how painful it is I do believe you gave him good advice, most of which will be reiterated in many drug programs = He'll have to give up "people, places and things." He'll have to learn that its ok to say "No" to others, even family.

I can understand the ultimatum. Straighten the f#@K up or I'm outta here. Easier said than done, but its best (IMHO) for the partner and children to stay out of that lifestyle.

My Mantra:

I didn't cause it.
I can't cure it.
I can't control it.
Love from a distance.

No, I didn't make that up...but I forget where I read it For me, it relates to the addicts in my life. For you, even if he doesn't use, he has an addiction to the life, to the money, to the adrenaline.

Good Luck.....I hope he does leave the life behind and become the man you & your child(ren) need

Thank you so much. I definitely do not want him to feel like his hand is being forced, but I do want to push him in a positive direction. Yesterday he told me that he was talking to a counselor and they told him he should go into drug counseling once he gets out since he has such an extensive history of both using and selling. I told him that it's a great idea, but to only do it if he really wants to because that's a lot of school for him to just decide later he doesn't want to do it. So I'm going to get some information on it for him and send it to him. However, it is nice to see him on a positive note. He also asked me to try to help him get a job before he gets home so that once he is home he can feel like he's contributing to the household and doesn't feel the need to get back into it. It's funny because he calls me his personal cheerleader, but imho I feel like that's what he needs to stay on a straight and narrow road.
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Old 06-10-2017, 09:45 AM
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Tommygirl11989,

I wish the percentage of reoffenders wasn't so high amongst drug dealers. I can for 100% say it is not worth it. I delivered pizzas for about 6 months and a team of sheriffs literally followed me around just ASSUMING I was gonna sell again. Once you got a number if you sell again, it's not a question of if you'll get caught, it's when.

I understand and can totally relate to not wanting to conform and adhere to schedules and be treated like a high school student at one of these jobs. IF he's somewhat savvy on computers, I would highly suggest Amazon Affiliate partners, it has good potential. I suck at it but it's very versatile and you can make a lot of money from home
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Old 06-10-2017, 08:10 PM
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Treatment programming is not going to work for the typical non-substance abuser drug dealer. They don't have a treatable addiction to a substance. They get their rush from the money. They typically refuse to do something that might only net them $15 an hour or so. They cannot do the basic 8-5 routine. It's a mindset, NOT an addiction. They aren't going to get the shakes or have withdrawal symptoms from not selling a vial of crack, a handful of pills, a ziplocked baggie of pot or a kilo of cocaine...

Until they make the decision to FOLLOW THE LAW, they are destined to return to prison.
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Old 08-04-2017, 08:49 AM
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I was convicted of sales in 2001. Haven't looked back. I don't have a problem working for an honest wage, though. I also am educated and have decent work skills. Many convicted drug dealers do not have these and will be most likely relegated to minimum wage work. Making $2000/wk vs $200/wk is huge. This is why these people break these laws. Same reason why people are willing to walk through the desert in the summer to cross our border illegally. Money.
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