Welcome to the Prison Talk Online Community! Take a Minute and Sign Up Today!






Go Back   Prison Talk > LOVING A... > Loving a Long-term Sentenced Offender
Register Entertainment FAQ Calendar Mark Forums Read

Loving a Long-term Sentenced Offender For those whose loved one is serving 10+ years.

View Poll Results: Should you tell your child's teacher their father is incarcerated?
Yes, definitely it will only benefit your child in the long run. 18 26.47%
No, especially if your child is "well-adjusted". 14 20.59%
Only when you absolutely need to, until then its better to keep the truth a secret. 36 52.94%
Voters: 68. You may not vote on this poll

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 12-12-2011, 10:05 PM
Juni's Jeva's Avatar
Juni's Jeva Juni's Jeva is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 77
Thanks: 123
Thanked 56 Times in 27 Posts
Default Should I tell my daughter's teacher her father is incarcerated?

I've been thinking a lot lately about this question, so I decided to post it here and get some feedback/thoughts.

My daughter is about to be 4yrs. old and is in a full-time preschool. I originally thought NO WAY am I telling anyone at this daycare but as time goes by and she constantly talks about her daddy I have been getting more "curious" questions about him. I have been able to handle it quite well. "He lives out of state." PERIOD.

The tricky part has come in with pictures. You know how schools do family collages or projects with pics.? Well that recently happened. I stressed for awhile before I gave them a copy of his pic with her, thinking: What if they noticed the background? his clothes? Would they question it? Would they know right away? Perhaps I should just tell her main teacher just in case?, that way she could "protect" my daughter from insensitive talk.

I think I am being premature on this question since she is only almost 4yrs. old. But if so, then when? What age does she have to be for me to tell her teachers? Do I really need to tell her teachers? My daughter only knows her daddy through visits since she was a baby so to her its normal. She doesn't question it YET...one day I am sure. But for now??
__________________
It's quite simple really...deeply simple-- simply deep how much Love and intimacy can be reached when God puts you through the test of distance and restrictions.
When you live honestly without apology.
In Love and due to distance.


4ever
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Juni's Jeva For This Useful Post:
Maushel (05-08-2013)
Sponsored Links
  #2  
Old 12-12-2011, 10:22 PM
HesMyForever's Avatar
HesMyForever HesMyForever is offline
His Wife, عاكِفة
 

Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: East Coast
Posts: 5,426
Thanks: 10,125
Thanked 3,629 Times in 2,247 Posts
Default

Oh, this is a tricky question....kids can definitely be cruel. I think right now she (and her classmates) are probably too young to really understand or know any better. So, I am not sure I'd say anything right now...but, maybe when she gets a bit older. But when? I'm not sure. Hopefully someone else here will have a better suggestion.
__________________


"Time as a measurement of love is eternal.
It extends beyond the borders of forever into the depths of infinity.
I love you this and much more."
~~M'love


Finally, happily married to m'love: 1/25/13.

Jeg lśrer dansk (for et Śr) og norsk (for ti uger).

Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to HesMyForever For This Useful Post:
Juni's Jeva (12-13-2011)
  #3  
Old 12-12-2011, 10:56 PM
Sully1215 Sully1215 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 106
Thanks: 0
Thanked 49 Times in 27 Posts
Default

These kids now a days are very cruel and smart. I'm sure a lot of them has someone or knows of some family member in prison. If it not causing a problem with her learning or her behavior then its not a need to know. Let her take her pictures, but be caution of what you send if you don't want his clothes to really show. Do close ups of her and him or her in his arms or on his lap. There are many families where dad's not away but mom and dad are not together treat this as such so she does not get any negative feed back from the other kids. Hopefully he will be home sooner than u think. Best wishes.
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Sully1215 For This Useful Post:
clingingtohope (03-27-2015), Juni's Jeva (12-13-2011), nala08 (01-02-2012)
  #4  
Old 12-13-2011, 04:58 AM
He&me He&me is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Outside
Posts: 130
Thanks: 33
Thanked 50 Times in 43 Posts
Default

Our daughter was 6 when he went in, she know all about it and why he is inside. When she went to school in the US, her headmaster know the situation, now since we are in my home country nobody in school know it, its was never the question because they just know he is in the US.

When it would be the point, I would let them know whats going on. With the big risk of getting some not so nice reactions, in my country my husband would not even stay inside for one week because of what he has done. So try to explain this to somebody why he is prison for that long.

But she is 12 now and she has found her own way to handle the situation and who should know where her father really is. She make it perfect
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to He&me For This Useful Post:
Juni's Jeva (12-13-2011)
  #5  
Old 12-13-2011, 06:58 AM
Sheryl P.'s Avatar
Sheryl P. Sheryl P. is offline
Registered User
Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: california
Posts: 5,162
Thanks: 2,740
Thanked 3,953 Times in 2,167 Posts
Default

Well,there is always photo shop.
I would probably let them know and make it very clear it is so they can protect your daughter.
Kind of like adoption,I think the sooner the truth is out in the open,the better.
I know my family hid the fact that I had a sister that was a year younger than me who died.In never knew her but I never recovered fully from the shock of being told about her,as a young adult.
Truth may be painful but is best in my opinion.
Her daddy is still her daddy.
__________________
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Sheryl P. For This Useful Post:
Wendy1918 (03-26-2015)
  #6  
Old 12-13-2011, 08:25 AM
RÍveuse's Avatar
RÍveuse RÍveuse is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Europe
Posts: 139
Thanks: 40
Thanked 18 Times in 17 Posts
Default

I think it depends on the teachers whether you can tell it or not. Some people are very prejudging, others are really helpful. If you have the feeling you can trust your daughter's teachers and feel uncomfortable with the situation, tell them in private. Well, this is what I'd do.

Last edited by RÍveuse; 12-13-2011 at 08:27 AM..
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to RÍveuse For This Useful Post:
Juni's Jeva (12-13-2011)
  #7  
Old 12-13-2011, 12:18 PM
Tina's Avatar
Tina Tina is offline
Life Lovin
Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 5,196
Thanks: 3,038
Thanked 2,240 Times in 1,384 Posts
Default

I choose to keep my family dynamics private. If it comes up I am completely open and honest, but until it comes up I leave it alone. My kids choose to share the fact that we have a loved one in prison with certain friends. As for pictures, the kids have taken pictures of him to school for various things. My older son even put a picture of him on his binder one year. So far they have not had to deal with any negative feedback from anyone.

Last edited by Tina; 12-13-2011 at 12:21 PM..
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Tina For This Useful Post:
clingingtohope (03-27-2015), HesMyForever (12-13-2011), Juni's Jeva (12-13-2011)
  #8  
Old 12-13-2011, 06:00 PM
Juni's Jeva's Avatar
Juni's Jeva Juni's Jeva is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 77
Thanks: 123
Thanked 56 Times in 27 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sheryl P. View Post
Well,there is always photo shop.
I would probably let them know and make it very clear it is so they can protect your daughter.
Kind of like adoption,I think the sooner the truth is out in the open,the better.
I know my family hid the fact that I had a sister that was a year younger than me who died.In never knew her but I never recovered fully from the shock of being told about her,as a young adult.
Truth may be painful but is best in my opinion.
Her daddy is still her daddy.
Good point, I can see how this is like an "adoption" secret. I think perhaps for me, its that I WOULD rather just be open about it. It's our life and I hate to feel like I have to be secretive but someone once told me I shouldn't because it would be worse for us. People use information about you sometimes to hurt you not to help. That's the tricky part of trusting the teacher with the info., I think she would be good about it but its her gossiping with others that I question. Anyways, thanks for the input!
__________________
It's quite simple really...deeply simple-- simply deep how much Love and intimacy can be reached when God puts you through the test of distance and restrictions.
When you live honestly without apology.
In Love and due to distance.


4ever
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 12-13-2011, 06:05 PM
Juni's Jeva's Avatar
Juni's Jeva Juni's Jeva is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 77
Thanks: 123
Thanked 56 Times in 27 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs. Duncan View Post
I choose to keep my family dynamics private. If it comes up I am completely open and honest, but until it comes up I leave it alone. My kids choose to share the fact that we have a loved one in prison with certain friends. As for pictures, the kids have taken pictures of him to school for various things. My older son even put a picture of him on his binder one year. So far they have not had to deal with any negative feedback from anyone.
It's good to know that you haven't had to deal with any negativity! My son also talks about how his dad is a great artist and shows his friends his work...but hasn't told anyone....oh wait as I write this, I just asked my son if he's told anyone. He said YES, wow, I didn't even know! He told a girl...ha ha, go figure.
__________________
It's quite simple really...deeply simple-- simply deep how much Love and intimacy can be reached when God puts you through the test of distance and restrictions.
When you live honestly without apology.
In Love and due to distance.


4ever
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 12-14-2011, 09:18 PM
Tina's Avatar
Tina Tina is offline
Life Lovin
Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 5,196
Thanks: 3,038
Thanked 2,240 Times in 1,384 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Juni's Jeva View Post
It's good to know that you haven't had to deal with any negativity! My son also talks about how his dad is a great artist and shows his friends his work...but hasn't told anyone....oh wait as I write this, I just asked my son if he's told anyone. He said YES, wow, I didn't even know! He told a girl...ha ha, go figure.
That's funny. Well I hope she was kind about it. LOL.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Tina For This Useful Post:
Juni's Jeva (12-19-2011)
  #11  
Old 12-14-2011, 09:25 PM
FreeJoe's Avatar
FreeJoe FreeJoe is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 242
Thanks: 0
Thanked 55 Times in 42 Posts
Default

I choose to keep all family affairs PRIVATE. Many children & adults aren't understanding, all though we all know we each have a family member that is incarcerated, or is a alcoholic etc.etc. People still judge & have no respect.... In my opinion I would say no dont tell her.
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to FreeJoe For This Useful Post:
clingingtohope (03-27-2015), Juni's Jeva (12-15-2011)
  #12  
Old 12-16-2011, 03:43 PM
Juni's Jeva's Avatar
Juni's Jeva Juni's Jeva is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 77
Thanks: 123
Thanked 56 Times in 27 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by FreeJoe View Post
I choose to keep all family affairs PRIVATE. Many children & adults aren't understanding, all though we all know we each have a family member that is incarcerated, or is a alcoholic etc.etc. People still judge & have no respect.... In my opinion I would say no dont tell her.
Humm....so how do you respond to questions, like "where is so and so?" do you make up a story? Just wondering....trying to see what could work
__________________
It's quite simple really...deeply simple-- simply deep how much Love and intimacy can be reached when God puts you through the test of distance and restrictions.
When you live honestly without apology.
In Love and due to distance.


4ever
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 12-16-2011, 10:31 PM
decoprincess's Avatar
decoprincess decoprincess is offline
Love over Fear
Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: CaliZona
Posts: 1,763
Thanks: 639
Thanked 1,254 Times in 755 Posts
Default

Mine is in 6th grade, and they all know her father (my husband) is incarcerated. When she bring home a new friend, I let the parent know from the beginning where dad/husband is. Let the chips fall where they may.
__________________
This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever.
--Sigmund Freud (about the Irish)--
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to decoprincess For This Useful Post:
Juni's Jeva (12-18-2011), Wendy1918 (08-26-2014)
  #14  
Old 12-28-2011, 04:09 PM
mjkc mjkc is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: May 2009
Location: utah, usa
Posts: 428
Thanks: 141
Thanked 184 Times in 116 Posts
Default

My 4 year old knows exactly where her dad is and isn't afraid to tell anyone about it. One time I heard her telling a little boy (neighbor) about it. He asked why she didn't have a dad, she said she did but he was in jail. He said dad's couldn't go to jail... they argued about it with her insisting they could, etc. Then a minute or two later he asked why her dad was in jail. Her answer: "He did something mean to one of his friends, that's why you gotta be nice to people." Then he said okay and they went on playing.

It wasn't a big deal at all. All my neightbors know, friends know, her friend's parents know, etc. No one has made fun of her for it or treated her any differently for it.
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to mjkc For This Useful Post:
Juni's Jeva (01-05-2012), Maushel (05-08-2013), Wendy1918 (08-26-2014)
  #15  
Old 12-28-2011, 04:12 PM
mjkc mjkc is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: May 2009
Location: utah, usa
Posts: 428
Thanks: 141
Thanked 184 Times in 116 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by He&me View Post
in my country my husband would not even stay inside for one week because of what he has done. So try to explain this to somebody why he is prison for that long.

I hate the truth in that - for almost any crime someone will spend far longer in prison in the US than they would in most of the rest of the world. In most of the rest of the country my husband's crime is either legal or a misdemeanor - and this state wants him to do 10 years for it?! It's legal in most other countries too.
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to mjkc For This Useful Post:
Juni's Jeva (01-05-2012), Zanna (08-05-2016)
  #16  
Old 01-01-2012, 08:25 PM
wisdomearth's Avatar
wisdomearth wisdomearth is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Upstate, New York
Posts: 7
Thanks: 0
Thanked 8 Times in 3 Posts
Default

I am a teacher (second grade) as well as a prison wife (18+ years), and my advise is, be honest. Teachers appreciate knowing as much as possible about their students. This includes their families. As a mother I will say, it's not easy to tell a teacher, but you will be surprised at how supportive the school community can be. Keeping secrets is stressful, you probably don't need the added stress in your life. I hope this helps!
Reply With Quote
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to wisdomearth For This Useful Post:
ALMill (01-28-2012), Juni's Jeva (01-05-2012), Maushel (05-08-2013), samboe13 (12-10-2016), Wendy1918 (03-26-2015)
  #17  
Old 01-05-2012, 10:28 PM
Juni's Jeva's Avatar
Juni's Jeva Juni's Jeva is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 77
Thanks: 123
Thanked 56 Times in 27 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by mjkc View Post
My 4 year old knows exactly where her dad is and isn't afraid to tell anyone about it. One time I heard her telling a little boy (neighbor) about it. He asked why she didn't have a dad, she said she did but he was in jail. He said dad's couldn't go to jail... they argued about it with her insisting they could, etc. Then a minute or two later he asked why her dad was in jail. Her answer: "He did something mean to one of his friends, that's why you gotta be nice to people." Then he said okay and they went on playing.

It wasn't a big deal at all. All my neightbors know, friends know, her friend's parents know, etc. No one has made fun of her for it or treated her any differently for it.
WOW, That's awesome. Thanks so much for sharing that info. with me. I can totally see that type of convo. happening since I work with toddlers & preschoolers. They say its the adults who complicate things and the children are just on the short and simple.
__________________
It's quite simple really...deeply simple-- simply deep how much Love and intimacy can be reached when God puts you through the test of distance and restrictions.
When you live honestly without apology.
In Love and due to distance.


4ever

Last edited by Juni's Jeva; 01-05-2012 at 10:29 PM.. Reason: typo
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 01-28-2012, 11:40 PM
ALMill ALMill is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: TN, USA
Posts: 22
Thanks: 17
Thanked 5 Times in 4 Posts
Default

Like Wisdomeearth, I am a teacher. I teach in a 5th grade classroom but have taught levels 2nd through 8th. Each year I have students who are related in one way or another to an inmate and it always makes it a bit easier on me as a teacher to know before hand, especially if the child knows and starts talking about the situation. In knowing the teacher can be a support when the parent who is raising the child isn't immediately available. I know even this year that I have a student who has a dad in prison, and yet she doesn't even know it she believes he is out of the country. It breaks my heart to know she has been lied to by her family but I will not be the one to break it to her because it is not my place.
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to ALMill For This Useful Post:
Juni's Jeva (03-20-2012), Maushel (05-08-2013)
  #19  
Old 01-29-2012, 12:11 AM
NGS_lAdY NGS_lAdY is offline
Account Closed
 

Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: oнιo,υѕa
Posts: 3,189
Thanks: 1,902
Thanked 1,683 Times in 954 Posts
Default

I would let the teacher be aware of it you don't gotta tell them every little detail but I would tell them her father is in prison and how if your daughters behavior acts a certain way it may be cause of that..I know when my x husband was in prison I let my sons teacher know that his father was in prison just so they could be aware of his behavior issues if he would have any!!
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 01-29-2012, 03:11 PM
karmaweathers karmaweathers is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 1
Thanks: 0
Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post
Default

I told my 3rd graders teacher and his second grade teacher. They were both willing to go out if their way for him. He's a straight A student with bad conduct (can't seem to keep quiet), and I noticed a pattern. He seems to increase talking and sometimes talking back the week after a visitation. I did not tell them until I found it was necessary for his own good. I don't see why you should have to tell anyone until there is good need to.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to karmaweathers For This Useful Post:
Juni's Jeva (10-09-2013)
  #21  
Old 03-20-2012, 06:55 PM
Juni's Jeva's Avatar
Juni's Jeva Juni's Jeva is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 77
Thanks: 123
Thanked 56 Times in 27 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by karmaweathers View Post
I told my 3rd graders teacher and his second grade teacher. They were both willing to go out if their way for him. He's a straight A student with bad conduct (can't seem to keep quiet), and I noticed a pattern. He seems to increase talking and sometimes talking back the week after a visitation. I did not tell them until I found it was necessary for his own good. I don't see why you should have to tell anyone until there is good need to.
Based on everyone's responses, I've decided not to tell her teachers right now. I don't see the need yet, especially because she doesn't know yet. She's 3 and she does talk about him a lot at preschool. She says we visit him in "X" state or I talked to my daddy etc., Thing is she has no memory of him being home with us and that's probably why its "normal" for her that he isn't home and that we visit him not vice versa. She does ask why he doesn't, but so far we've only said he can't although he wants to and that we just got to pray about it so he CAN come home one day. We'll probably introduce her to the idea this summer...then I'll tell the teachers. She's also really good in school. Thanks everyone!
__________________
It's quite simple really...deeply simple-- simply deep how much Love and intimacy can be reached when God puts you through the test of distance and restrictions.
When you live honestly without apology.
In Love and due to distance.


4ever
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Juni's Jeva For This Useful Post:
clingingtohope (03-27-2015)
  #22  
Old 08-05-2016, 08:41 AM
trauma4us trauma4us is online now
Registered User
 

Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 654
Thanks: 612
Thanked 806 Times in 359 Posts
Default

My grandson loves his Dad very much and misses him terribly. He tells people very readily where his father is. He is almost 10 now and his Dad (my son) has been gone 3 years.

I usually tell the teacher as its kinda awkward when I have lunch with him and he speaks of his grandparents often. He hasn't received any negativity that I know of.
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 08-05-2016, 03:05 PM
Fire Struck's Avatar
Fire Struck Fire Struck is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 904
Thanks: 91
Thanked 1,115 Times in 526 Posts
Default

Right now she is still so young the other kids really won't understand. They will just assume he is away a lot. Unless it is something that may interfere with her learning or the school does a lit of things focused on family I really wouldn't say anything. My daughter just finished kindergarten and although they did ask for certain things such as family pictures for the family tree unit and they made a cute fathers day book there wasn't a whole lot that focused on families and daddies.

It is when she gets a bit older that kids start being cruel little demons. My older kids dad passed away and when my oldest was about 7 that is when the gremlin children thought it would be cute to tease him that he didn't have a dad. It was just horrible for him cause these kids knew his dad was dead and still went in on him about how his dad wasn't atound and was dead and he didn't have a dad. So there will be a time where you have to worry about preparing her to have a thick skin cause some peoples kids are just souless little creatures and dealing with their parents is no fun either cause some of them are just ignorant trash. The school can be a crapshoot sometimes they are helpful other times they dismiss the issues.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Fire Struck For This Useful Post:
trauma4us (08-05-2016)
  #24  
Old 08-07-2016, 04:11 AM
shs76 shs76 is offline
Registered User
Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 1,312
Thanks: 2,005
Thanked 1,739 Times in 811 Posts
Default

This is a pretty old thread but for new people interested in the topic as a Preschool teacher myself, I say don't tell the school. It's not necessary. We only need to know if there are custody issues. If you feel like you need to say anything at all about your relationship say you are separated for the time being but you have a great relationship and he/she loves their mom/dad. That being said, if behavioral issues come up and you feel they are caused by mom/dad being "away" then absolutely ask your teaching team for a confidential meeting. Have the whole team and the director present at the meeting. That way you are making it clear to the staff (with their boss present) that this is confidential. The added bonus being you only have to tell the story once. Remember playing "Telephone"? You whisper something in someone's ear and by the time the "call" gets back to you your message is completely distorted. The same thing can happen here.
Kids aren't the only ones who can be cruel. Some teachers I have worked with over the years have been very gossipy and judgmental. The stress of wondering if they're talking about you when you walk in the room is just not anything you need to add to your life.
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 12-19-2016, 09:35 PM
hamsa hamsa is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Illinois
Posts: 91
Thanks: 87
Thanked 74 Times in 36 Posts
Default To tell or not to tell

I have 3 kids-
1 in college, i high school and 1 in middle school. When my husband was first arrested his mug shot was plastered in local newspapers. I assumed EVERYONE knew but that was not really the case. I chose not to tell the kid's school unless they needed some accomodations made or extra support. Initially they were holding their own and didn't want the attention. As my daughter in high school began to have a hard time with homework completion some days, I contacted the school. People feel sorry for our family. Teachers and other school personnel have been wonderful. If your daughter is having a hard time then it is worth talking to the right people. School can be a haven for children during tough times.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 09:05 AM.
Copyright © 2001- 2017 Prison Talk Online
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Website Design & Custom vBulletin Skins by: Relivo Media
Message Board Statistics