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  #1  
Old 02-16-2012, 06:49 PM
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Angry My Relationship vs My Friend's Relationship Rant

This girl is one of my best friends. I literally tell her everything. We have been close since back in high school and have known each other since elementary school. However, she is engaged. She believes her relationship is the best thing in the world. I told her about my fiance being in prison. Nothing new, like I said I tell her everything. However, her fiance recently got her a new jeep. Okay, sounds sweet doesn't it?! He is fixing it up for her and she's just all about that jeep. Well, I made the smart(a) comment 'I sure wish I had a fiance that was rich (her's isn't) and would buy anything I ever asked for.' Well her remark was, 'Well they are all around you, go get you one. You deserve better anyways.'

Okay, I let that one go. But, since then it has been every conversation her throwing something else about their relationship in my face. First it was the jeep, then it was a Honda he got her, and today it was 'I think I'm pregnant'. She was going on and on and on about freaking out about it, and her fiance not wanting a kid at all. And how she can't afford one. I simply said, at least you guys have the ability to choose when to have a child. You don't have to wait if you don't want to. I HAVE to. My fiance and I were trying to get pregnant, and then his probation got revoked. Now I have to wait for a family. On top of that she's back on the subject of me getting a jeep. How she loves hers, and how if I wasn't with my fiance I could find me a man like hers.

That was long just to say this. Their relationship sucks. He hits her, and buys her things to 'make-up' for it. They break up every other week. She's cheated on him, and he's probably done the same. My fiance has NEVER raised a hand to me. He bought me what he could afford just because, not to make up for something he did to me physically. If her relationship is perfect, I will settle for my prefectly imperfect relationship ANY DAY!!!

Sorry, I'm just pretty pissed at the moment. If you made it this far, bless you.
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  #2  
Old 02-16-2012, 06:58 PM
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Some girls are like that all about money my mans sister is like that she would Always try to get me to get with all these crazy guys cuz they have money but the joke of it all is her man is broke!
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Old 02-16-2012, 06:58 PM
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Your friend shouldn't concern herself with your relationship. I'd say the same of you except for the fact that he is abusive. Unfortunately, if she does not want to leave him there is little you can do. As for the other comments I'd say the both of you should find something other than your relationships to discuss because this is getting neither of you anwhere.
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Old 02-16-2012, 07:14 PM
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Have you confronted her about her attitude toward your relationship? Or have you tried to set a boundary and say, okay, we're not talking about my relationship anymore?

I feel the same as you, it stings every time someone comes up pregnant. I want a family so bad.
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Old 02-16-2012, 09:49 PM
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Just because your man is in prison and her's isn't, that doesn't make her relationship any better than yours. Just wait, her man will be in prison for domestic violence and your man will be on the outside taking care of you. Don't let it get to you. You know what you have.

Last edited by lovesjames; 02-16-2012 at 09:51 PM.. Reason: My typing skills are horrible.
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Old 02-16-2012, 10:17 PM
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Just because your man is in prison and her's isn't, that doesn't make her relationship any better than yours. Just wait, her man will be in prison for domestic violence and your man will be on the outside taking care of you. Don't let it get to you. You know what you have.
I think that says it all right there. That's the reason I don't talk to too many people outside of close friends, a lot in the same situation. Some people will never understand.
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Old 02-16-2012, 10:23 PM
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My friend gets on my lastttt nerve when she tells me things about her relationship..for example today.."I know I saw him last weekend, but I really want to see him this weekend too I really miss him" --her bf is in the military and thought about coming home this weekend.. hmm must be nice I won't see my husband for 60 days.. was supposed to be 120 but I was able to fix it.. People don't think about what they are saying bothering us I don't think.. I personally get so irritated & offended by things my friend says its unreal..I have thought about not being friends with her! I wouldn't let it bother you, you know you have a good guy & that's what matters..Presents or no presents.. who cares he loves you & doesn't lay a hand on you like her's.. I can relate to wanting a family, I want to have a baby, I have for awhile.. I just saw on FB an old friend is pregnant..I am a little jealous not going to lie...but we'll get there too, just not yet! We just have to wait..Cheer up, don't let her bother ya!
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Old 02-16-2012, 11:11 PM
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I have told her numerous times that a) I don't want anyone else, b) the money doesn't bother me and c) I am very much in love with my fiance and let's leave it at that. However, her relationship is always better. I have told her that just because he is in prison doesn't make her relationship any better than mine. I don't get involved in her relationship because if she is happy I'm happy for her. The only time I have said anything is the first time she told me he hit her. I voiced my opinion and left it at that.

She texts me on the regular but we never get to see eachother. When she texts though it always involves her relationship. It'll be guess what he got me, or my periods late, or what color should I paint our living room. Its getting to the point where I just don't text back because I know it will lead to my relationship somehow. Its just gotten old. Like I said, we are really close, and really the only person I talk to anymore. But I guess I'm just frustrated cause I have tried to steer her out of my relationship but she refuses to leave it be.
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Old 02-16-2012, 11:36 PM
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Originally Posted by 71411a&f View Post
I have told her numerous times that a) I don't want anyone else, b) the money doesn't bother me and c) I am very much in love with my fiance and let's leave it at that. However, her relationship is always better. I have told her that just because he is in prison doesn't make her relationship any better than mine. I don't get involved in her relationship because if she is happy I'm happy for her. The only time I have said anything is the first time she told me he hit her. I voiced my opinion and left it at that.

She texts me on the regular but we never get to see eachother. When she texts though it always involves her relationship. It'll be guess what he got me, or my periods late, or what color should I paint our living room. Its getting to the point where I just don't text back because I know it will lead to my relationship somehow. Its just gotten old. Like I said, we are really close, and really the only person I talk to anymore. But I guess I'm just frustrated cause I have tried to steer her out of my relationship but she refuses to leave it be.
In my opinion, if are as close to her as you say, when you share with her how it makes you feel when she always incinuates you find someone like her man, she is NOT a true friend. I would not want a man or stay with a man that hits me. She is going to end up in the hospital, because he loves her so much he beat her ass! I hope that she wises up one of these days and realizes that domestic abuse only gets worse.

I would suggest that next time she says something about your relationship, you say to her that until she can respect your relationship and be happy for you, you will not talk or have a relationship with her. I am thinking once she realizes that you are serious, she will stop being a bitch. Sorry, but you need to tell her straight up that you love your man and are happy with him.

Peace~
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Old 02-16-2012, 11:52 PM
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Well she beat me to it. She informed me that once my fiance, who will be my husband, gets out she can't come around me because she doesn't want to be associated with 'someone like him'.

I told her that I'm sorry she felt that way, but that it was her decision. She went on with the ' I can't believe you are choosing a guy over our friendship' stuff. But I told her that again, this was her decision. And if she wants to breakup a friendship because I choose to stay with the man I love then it was on her. And that I am sorry.

So, I'm just going to let it play out. Who knows.
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Old 02-17-2012, 12:22 AM
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It seems to me like it is more her being insecure and needing some sort of internal reminder that she is a worthy person by putting your relationship down. She probably knows that her relationship is troubled, but if she can continue to say it is not as bad or ridiculous as a "prison relationship" then she feels better about herself. I have totally experienced those same type of passive aggressive comments from a friend I love and cherish. I think it was always about her needing to feel good enough, and not about being mean or anything. It is their own stuff. I would just continue to tell her how you feel.
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Old 02-17-2012, 04:51 AM
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I know you might not like it to hear this, but I just have to be honest.

To me it sounds like her happiness bothers you, and that's just not how friends operate. Instead of being excited for her that she got a new vehicle, all you're doing is comparing yourself to her and trying to compete with her. It sounds like anything positive that happens in her life, you weigh it against your situation - as if good things happening to her makes you feel insecure. What did you expect her to say when you're downing on your own man talking about, "Gee I wish I had a fiance that was rich and would buy anything I ever asked for." You're downing on him when you say that. You should expect her to join in and do the same if you're going to initiate something like that. Of course she's going to encourage you to find someone else if you're constantly complaining about how he can't buy you things that her man can buy for her.

She needed you for advice about her unwanted pregnancy and again, instead you made it about yourself. "Well at least you guys can choose." They can choose and that's great. What does that have to do with you not being able to choose? She needed your advice, not to hear you down on your own situation some more.

I honestly don't know what you expect her to say or do. If you complain about how awful something is, a good friend is going to tell you to find something better. Your worries shouldn't be based around what he can and cannot buy for you anyway, that's terrible!

I'm sorry that her man allegedly is abusive to her. But it's not a competition between the two of you. It's almost as if you're holding her abusive relationship against her as a way to make yourself feel better about your own man being in jail. Rather than encouraging her to seek help or therapy, it seems like your reaction is to take solice in the fact that at least he beats her, so that somehow makes your relationship better than hers.

Really though?
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Old 02-17-2012, 05:03 AM
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I was going to say something Badgrl said, only she got there first You brought up how you wish you had a fiance who could get you a jeep...even if you were saying it sarcastically, of course your friend is going to tell you to look at a different relationship if your complaining in anyway about the one you have. If you don't want her commenting on your man/relationship, then don't give her the ammunition. I've done the same thing in the past with my family. But you know what? If you KNOW they aren't going to have something good to say because they don't think your relationship is worthwhile, then the only person you can be upset with is yourself.
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Old 02-17-2012, 11:37 AM
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Add me to the Badgirl and Lil Peep point of view. From what you say, you're the one throwing barbs at her. When she retorts with comments about your relationship you get angry and resentful. You are friends not competitors. Her relationship has no bearing on yours and vice versa. I hope you can work this out.
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Old 02-17-2012, 04:26 PM
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Maybe you need to examine your entire relationship with this girl and not just the parts regarding your boyfriends. I had a co-worker/best friend that would constantly brag about her in-laws spending thousands of $$ on her kids for holidays all while complaining that they do too much and steal her thunder as "mom". (Different complaining, I know, but still... She can't brag about her husband 'cause he is nothing to brag about-lol.) She'd been my only friend for years but I just got tired of ALL the self-created drama so I don't talk to her anymore, and she still sits 5 feet from me every day at work. FUN!

I have since made other friends that are more understanding and supportive of my choices. People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Sometimes it takes a while to figure where each person fits. I hope you can work it out with her though, if she's really important to you and gives you support in other areas of your life.
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Old 02-17-2012, 06:13 PM
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This girl is one of my best friends. I literally tell her everything. We have been close since back in high school and have known each other since elementary school. However, she is engaged. She believes her relationship is the best thing in the world. I told her about my fiance being in prison. Nothing new, like I said I tell her everything. However, her fiance recently got her a new jeep. Okay, sounds sweet doesn't it?! He is fixing it up for her and she's just all about that jeep. Well, I made the smart(a) comment 'I sure wish I had a fiance that was rich (her's isn't) and would buy anything I ever asked for.' Well her remark was, 'Well they are all around you, go get you one. You deserve better anyways.'

Okay, I let that one go. But, since then it has been every conversation her throwing something else about their relationship in my face. First it was the jeep, then it was a Honda he got her, and today it was 'I think I'm pregnant'. She was going on and on and on about freaking out about it, and her fiance not wanting a kid at all. And how she can't afford one. I simply said, at least you guys have the ability to choose when to have a child. You don't have to wait if you don't want to. I HAVE to. My fiance and I were trying to get pregnant, and then his probation got revoked. Now I have to wait for a family. On top of that she's back on the subject of me getting a jeep. How she loves hers, and how if I wasn't with my fiance I could find me a man like hers.

That was long just to say this. Their relationship sucks. He hits her, and buys her things to 'make-up' for it. They break up every other week. She's cheated on him, and he's probably done the same. My fiance has NEVER raised a hand to me. He bought me what he could afford just because, not to make up for something he did to me physically. If her relationship is perfect, I will settle for my prefectly imperfect relationship ANY DAY!!!

Sorry, I'm just pretty pissed at the moment. If you made it this far, bless you.
I know what you mean, keep your head up girl! Take comfort in knowing that what you have is good, healthy, and REAL. It may not be ideal, but it's a hell of a lot better than a lot of these relationships people will spend years in on the outside that are just a total nightmare...and thank goodness for PTO, where we can all come a vent about this sort of ish a relate!! We all get it.
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Old 02-17-2012, 11:28 PM
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I know you might not like it to hear this, but I just have to be honest.

To me it sounds like her happiness bothers you, and that's just not how friends operate. Instead of being excited for her that she got a new vehicle, all you're doing is comparing yourself to her and trying to compete with her. It sounds like anything positive that happens in her life, you weigh it against your situation - as if good things happening to her makes you feel insecure. What did you expect her to say when you're downing on your own man talking about, "Gee I wish I had a fiance that was rich and would buy anything I ever asked for." You're downing on him when you say that. You should expect her to join in and do the same if you're going to initiate something like that. Of course she's going to encourage you to find someone else if you're constantly complaining about how he can't buy you things that her man can buy for her.

She needed you for advice about her unwanted pregnancy and again, instead you made it about yourself. "Well at least you guys can choose." They can choose and that's great. What does that have to do with you not being able to choose? She needed your advice, not to hear you down on your own situation some more.

I honestly don't know what you expect her to say or do. If you complain about how awful something is, a good friend is going to tell you to find something better. Your worries shouldn't be based around what he can and cannot buy for you anyway, that's terrible!

I'm sorry that her man allegedly is abusive to her. But it's not a competition between the two of you. It's almost as if you're holding her abusive relationship against her as a way to make yourself feel better about your own man being in jail. Rather than encouraging her to seek help or therapy, it seems like your reaction is to take solice in the fact that at least he beats her, so that somehow makes your relationship better than hers.

Really though?

I am not by any means trying to be competitive with her. The only reason I make sly comments like that is because she is constantly throwing her relationship in my face. By no means an I jealous of her relationship. Her fiance hits her. No woman deserves that. I've told her to seek help. I've asked her to please please please, longgggg before my fiance and I were even together, to get help. She doesn't do it. And refuses to let anyone else know about it. She didn't need advice about her 'unwanted pregnancy'. She wants a child. He doesn't. Then he does. He has told her he didn't want a child and if she was pregnant it isn't his. She knows how bad I want a family. She also knows I would be there with her every single step of the way if she were to come up pregnant. I gave her my two sense about that situation and told her if she was she would be okay. That no one is financially prepared for a child when they get pregnant the first time. They never know what to expect in that situation. That if she was they would figure it out and be okay. But she kept on going on about it. I simply said, ***** you want a child, you want a family. Be thankful that you can choose when you want to start one. And if it's now then you will find a way to deal with it. If it isn't you have the freedom to keep trying right now. Some people want a family and don't have a choice but to wait.'

And not ONCE have I said ANYTHING about what he can and cannot buy me. As I said earlier, I do not care what he can and cannot buy me. I am a very independent woman, and have been that way for sometime now. So I don't depend on a man to get me shiny new things. I can do that on my own. I love him and am with him because I fell in love with him because of the person he is. Not based on his income. So, that comment of yours was uncalled for period.

And again, I do not down my fiance to her. But when I am constantly being told of all the cars he buys her, all the tiffany's jewelry he buys her, all the pretty things he gets her, and that being how she starts EVERY conversation with me, I'm going to make some kinda sly comment like that. She puts up with that hitting because he will get her whatever she asks for after the fact. Is that right? I make sly comments like I do because she knows me well enough to know I'm being a smart(a). Me and my fiance have a wonderful relationship, prison or no prison. And I don't appreciate my 'best friend' saying he's trash and worthless. I'm sure, if you put yourself in my position, you would be a tad bit pissed off too.
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Old 02-17-2012, 11:54 PM
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Well, look, I am only trying to help you see how your actions are perceived from an outside perspective. I'm not going to lie, so I'm sorry if my comments bother you, and I'll make this my last. But I do stand by what I said.

The fact that you feel like she's, "throwing it in [your] face," simply because she talks to you about things is what I was talking about. Normal friends don't see that as rubbing it in each other's faces. You might not see what you're doing as competition, but that's just what it is, I'm sorry to have to be the one who has to tell you because it isn't making me look nice either, lol.

She's just talking to you and you say she's rubbing it in your face. That's a competitive mindset. So what if she knows you want a family? Just because your man isn't home doesn't mean she can't want a family. She probably feels like she just wants to gripe and complain about her situation without you rubbing it in HER face that she has the freedom you and your boyfriend don't.

The part about you complaining about what he can and cannot buy you was a direct quote from you yourself. "It must be nice to have a fiance who can buy you anything you want." That is saying something about what he can / can't do for you. Instead of being happy for her, you seem like you were angry with her! I didn't just pull that out of nowhere to be rude.

Constantly bringing up how your man is away and she and her man have freedom, then saying that you wish your fiance could buy you whatever you wanted IS downing on your man. Even if she knows you really well, it doesn't mean it might not bother her when you make the "sly comments."

A supportive friend wants to hear about all the details of the lavish gifts the man is buying for her friend.

I think she probably wouldn't say your man is trash or worthless if you didn't make it a point to get upset by her happiness. Yeah, I'd be pissed too if my friends talked shit about my man like that, but as Lil Peep said, I wouldn't give them the ammunition. I wouldn't respond to all the good things in their life with disdain and anger.

It's your life and this is your thread. But I think you're wrong and it wouldn't kill you to open up your mind to the possibility that you've not handled the situation the best you could. That's what this forum is all about. I don't think you're a horrible person or anything, I just think your mindset wasn't very friendly to your friend. Just offering some advice and support, so please don't be angry with me too!
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Old 02-18-2012, 04:39 AM
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It probably gets really awkward for your friend when you say things like, "I wish my man could afford to buy...." and insert whatever it is you wish because at the moment it's something that's not possible. These aren't good things to say because you're basically baiting your friend into coming back with a comment you're not going to like and who knows she might be a blunt person who doesn't mince words.

A lot of my friendships dissolved because of competition. Women are just naturally catty with each other once they start comparing and contrasting their lives with yours watch out. Then take into account the relationship statuses in the friendship and things tend to spiral out of control.

I had a long time friend who I had to let go of because she was trying to dictate my relationship with my husband before we were even married. When I told her we were getting married she blew up and said marriage is for idiots (she's divorced) and it's a big mistake, she's happy to be living with her boyfriend stress-free, her relationship is solid, marriage means nothing, and she just went on and on. We got married and she stopped talking to me for a month. Wow.

I know if I was still talking to her now she'd be telling negative things like my husband is cheating, I should leave him, find someone better, he's no good, men are all dogs, but when I think about it I'd be giving her an opening to say those things by telling her my business in the first place.

Some people prey on openings like that when they believe the person they're talking to is at their weakest. They use that put down to justify their decisions in life and to make themselves feel better. What you need to do is set up boundaries. Have topics that you'll discuss freely and whatever you do avoid hot topics like cars, money, and relationships. Ask her at the beginning of your conversation, "how's your fiance doing?" and that should only result in a 'he's good' or 'he's bad' answer and then you take the conversation where you want it to go. Don't dwell on the fact that your guy is locked up because it's asking for hurt feelings.

As far as the domestic abuse goes, text her the number to WEAVE and leave that topic alone. If she mentions it ask, "have you called WEAVE yet?" and if she says no, change the subject. That way you've offered her help and now you know for sure she doesn't want it.

It was too late for boundaries in my old friendship. My old friend had obliterated all of them and was just downright nasty and obnoxious. We talked again after I got married, hung out maybe 4 or 5 times, but it wasn't the same. Too many lines were crossed.
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Old 02-18-2012, 10:46 AM
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friends are always going to talk bout their relationships and what's going on...good and bad, and even if it's bad and has sum good to it...what they feel is good and bad might not be the same in our eyes. Meaning - she feels the good is she get's what she wants. That's all good in many ways. Now she turns the blind eye to the bad...(the abuse)
It's normal for an abused woman to feel the "high" of the good. It's the way he handles it for the obvious reason...it puts the bandaid on it and he see's that it works and he continues to do things that way.
Of course she's going to share w/you wat she got... it's not to throw it in her face.
That's like saying... my 1 friend her man is still in federal prison... my guy got out... so that's like saying i tell her the day he got out was throwing it in her face...it's not it's sharing! That's like she got to fly from cali to go visit her man she calls me and shares she's on her way for vizo - she's throwin it in my face? no she's not she's sharing her excitement! her relationship and my relationship both are not perfect...we both have things we wanna share w/each other cuz that's what friends do.

Samething with other friends of mine, they share w/me what they got for Vday and what they went and did...i'm cool and happy for them. I'm not jealous by any means that I couldn't go do anything w/my man cuz were apart by distance...i'm still happy were a couple, i'm very happy that he's been out of prison 6 weeks and we're still together! In some ways that's a huge milestone, and in many other's it's not! We have a long way to go to make it!

A friend calls me up and says guess what my man jus did? He proposed to me! Wow that's awesome....however 2 weeks ago she found out he had been cheating! Is she throwing it in my face that she's engaged? heck no she's excited they worked things out and they plan to get married, I'm happy for her, i hope he never cheats again.

When my friends share that they are going doing w/their man - wether their relationship is perfect or not...i never say I wish i culd or i wish i had a man to buy me this or that or take me here or there...i dont wish anything except for my man and I to make it in this world together! I wish for my man to do what he's gotta do and i wish for when the time comes he get's approved to move to pa from tx while being on supervised release.

It's not my relationship vs my friend's relationships... it's my relationship vs the struggles we are faced with... and my friends relationships vs whatever struggles they go thru or don't go thru!

I don't wish for anything my friends have....they have what they have, and I have what i have!

When you start to look at things differly you wont have these issues!

As far as your friend saying she can't be round your man when he get's out... there's where you could say i'm sorry you feel that way, I rlly can't be around your man cuz he abuses you, and I'd hate to see it happen one day and be the one that calls the cops on your man!
Don't take it personaly that she's throwing it in your face the nxt time she txts n says guess what i jus got..a new car or anything other. kno she's sharing what made her happy! Then when she's done, be excited for her and share something that's been maken you happy. Or nxt time txt her and share about the wonderful love letter you jus received. It's not throwing it in her face that she doesn't ever get love letters! it's sharing what made you feel good!
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out of hwh now on home confinement feb 3, 12
now we still wait for a move!!!!
i love n miss mi papi like crazy!
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Old 02-18-2012, 01:04 PM
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Like I said earlier, I was happy for her when she mentioned getting the car(s). I asked for every little detail. Even pictures. Cause I am happy for her. We became friends because we both chose cars that is the 'norm' for a man when we were in high school. We love our cars, and cars in general. So naturally I am gonna be excited with her. But, when it's constantly, and by constantly I mean daily, being talked about when there is nothing new being done to it, I get tired of it. Now, had she been getting a lift, or new tires, or seat covers ANYTHING I wouldn't have been mad about it. But, it's not being worked on at the moment. It is sitting there. She can't drive it yet, but when she can I'm sure I'll go out with her on a ride. But I won't be mad about it, because it's something new and different.

My biggest problem is that it's never anything new. When she does come to me with new things that were bought for her or whatever the case I am happy for her, and I share in that happiness with her. But once the 'newness' dies off it gets boring, and that is where I feel she is throwing everything in my face about how good she has it because her fiance is out here and not in jail. Specially when the remarks about my fiance being worthless come into play. That is not fair to me. When she came to me about her guy hitting her, I didn't down him. Did I want to, of course. But, I told her how I felt about it and left it at that. She trusted me, just as I did her. And I feel like now I would have been better just leaving her out of this part of my life. I don't know.

I have given her numbers to call to seek out help for her situation. I have numerous numbers for counselors from when I was raped. I never sought out that help, and it has hurt me because I 'dealt' with it on my own. Again, independent woman. She is just as stubborn and hard headed as I am. Thinks she can handle it alone. Truth is, I wish I could physically make her get help. Because I could have used that three years ago when I was in a terrible situation.

I guess I just need to choose my words carefully when writing on here. I don't ever re-read before I post. I do not down my fiance. When I say things about 'oh, I wish I could get all I wanted' or things of that nature, I only say them to her, because she knows I'm being a sarcastic bitty. And I don't ever say things like that unless I have heard her same story fifty million times. I love my fiance, and know if he could help me and afford to get me all I wanted he would. But he can't. So I am sarcastic about it, or I crack jokes about it. THAT helps me get through my days a little easier. Does it mean I don't love him, NO. It simply means that I have to find some kinda humor in this situation for my own personal sanity.

I guess in order to fully understand this you have to understand our friendship. Which is one of the most wacky complicated friendships you will ever hear about. So, I can't be mad at the comments made, to an extent. Some I do find kind of offensive simply because you don't understand and are judging my relationship with my fiance based on my sarcasm.
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Old 02-18-2012, 01:18 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BadGrlGoneGood View Post
Well, look, I am only trying to help you see how your actions are perceived from an outside perspective. I'm not going to lie, so I'm sorry if my comments bother you, and I'll make this my last. But I do stand by what I said.

The fact that you feel like she's, "throwing it in [your] face," simply because she talks to you about things is what I was talking about. Normal friends don't see that as rubbing it in each other's faces. You might not see what you're doing as competition, but that's just what it is, I'm sorry to have to be the one who has to tell you because it isn't making me look nice either, lol.

She's just talking to you and you say she's rubbing it in your face. That's a competitive mindset. So what if she knows you want a family? Just because your man isn't home doesn't mean she can't want a family. She probably feels like she just wants to gripe and complain about her situation without you rubbing it in HER face that she has the freedom you and your boyfriend don't.

The part about you complaining about what he can and cannot buy you was a direct quote from you yourself. "It must be nice to have a fiance who can buy you anything you want." That is saying something about what he can / can't do for you. Instead of being happy for her, you seem like you were angry with her! I didn't just pull that out of nowhere to be rude.

Constantly bringing up how your man is away and she and her man have freedom, then saying that you wish your fiance could buy you whatever you wanted IS downing on your man. Even if she knows you really well, it doesn't mean it might not bother her when you make the "sly comments."

A supportive friend wants to hear about all the details of the lavish gifts the man is buying for her friend.

I think she probably wouldn't say your man is trash or worthless if you didn't make it a point to get upset by her happiness. Yeah, I'd be pissed too if my friends talked shit about my man like that, but as Lil Peep said, I wouldn't give them the ammunition. I wouldn't respond to all the good things in their life with disdain and anger.

It's your life and this is your thread. But I think you're wrong and it wouldn't kill you to open up your mind to the possibility that you've not handled the situation the best you could. That's what this forum is all about. I don't think you're a horrible person or anything, I just think your mindset wasn't very friendly to your friend. Just offering some advice and support, so please don't be angry with me too!


Again, I WAS happy for her. I however got tired of hearing about the same car, that hasn't changed, that I could tell you every single detail about fifty times already. I'm glad she is getting all she wants. Do I believe it is right how she is obtaining them, NO! I let her go on and on and on about the things she gets. I ask question. I relish in her happiness with her. But I can only be so happy for her, for so long before I just wanna scream. Am I jealous of the new car, not really. Because I can get one if I really wanted one, but do have other things that kind of money needs to be spent on. So it doesn't bother me that she has a new car, or fancy jewelry. I don't wear jewelry except my engagement ring and the ring of my fiances with my step-son's name on it around a chain. I've never, until this week gotten mad at her like this. Was it an off week? Possibly. I don't ever bring up my fiance in conversations with her, until she brings it up first. Until this week. Was my mindset right to get pissy with her, No. Do I regret it, yes. But, just like she has her bitty moments, I have mine too. Difference is she holds that against me.

What bothers me so much about it, is the fact that she believes it is okay to get these gifts on the grounds she gets them. Like that situation is better for her than the situation I too have chosen to be in. Neither is ideal for anyone. Who wants to end up with an abuser, or an inmate?! But, we both fell in love with these men. And I'm extremely happy with my relationship. Had I ever wanted to be with a man strictly based on his income, I would have never given my now fiance a second look. Because I know with or without a man, I will be financially fine when it matters. It just bothers me that she holds her relationship on a pedistool (sp?) and buries mine six-feet under just because he is in prison. That isn't fair to myself or my fiance, specially since she only knows of him from when he was in middle school and a hellion.

I really just want my best friend back. And that doesn't seem possible because she doesn't want anything to do with me when my fiance gets out.
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Old 02-18-2012, 01:20 PM
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I say you should be happy that she's happy because I'm sure she has listened to you talk about the good and the bad with your boyfriend. I know that it's hard to hear when you are in a relationship with an inmate. But you know what...I'm sure it's also hard for our loved ones to hear and see us do it.
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Old 02-18-2012, 01:26 PM
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And I'm sure it is hard for her to see me deal with this, just as it was hard for me to have to see her deal with getting hit. I rarely talk to her about my fiance unless she asks about him, or I get upset like I did this week and make sarcastic remarks.
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Old 02-18-2012, 02:50 PM
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Im waiting until the next negative comment comes out of my bffs mouth to tell that I'm so happy and her negativity is not needed. I'm a grown woman and I can handle my own. You might just have to lay it out to her. I'd much rather be in your situation than hers with a man that hits me. JMO
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