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Met While Incarcerated Were you introduced by a friend or family member after he/she was incarcerated? Did you meet as Pen Pals? This Forum is for you!

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  #1  
Old 09-08-2019, 04:21 PM
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Default Do you know everything he's been in jail/prison for?

I met my man 8 months ago at work. He's been incarcerated for 13 years and gets work release. He was very upfront with me on why is is in prison.

I know he has been locked up before. He has told me, but I've never asked what for. Part of me wants to know, but part of me doesn't.

I know for peace of mind I need to know, but I'm not sure if I'm ready for the answer. I know it's nothing I would see as "too much to handle". I just am unsure if I want to know right now.
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Old 09-08-2019, 05:19 PM
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Yes he told me and it’s also public record. What I wasn’t prepared for was the extent of his criminal life I didn’t learn until he got out. Of course they aren’t going to tell you while they are locked up what they got away with
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Old 09-08-2019, 05:20 PM
onedayatatime13 onedayatatime13 is offline
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Honestly, if your relationship is solid you should never have fear of asking any type of question.

Is it you are afraid to know or afraid to ask? Or both?
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Old 09-08-2019, 06:05 PM
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In curiosity you want to know, you just not sure if your ready for the answer right now. If you aren't ready to ask him now, wait until he's released to ask him. You should want to know his back story regardless of what he tells you. If you don't ask you'll always be curious about it.

I'm aware of why he's incarcerated. He told me about it. I want to know more about his back story. I'd rather just wait after he's released to know the rest.
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Old 09-08-2019, 07:44 PM
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Originally Posted by onedayatatime13 View Post
Honestly, if your relationship is solid you should never have fear of asking any type of question.

Is it you are afraid to know or afraid to ask? Or both?
It's not that I'm afraid. More like apprehensive. I know it's probably a lot. I'm not sure how to explain it. It's not going to change how I feel towards him, that I know.
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Old 09-08-2019, 07:45 PM
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Of course they aren’t going to tell you while they are locked up what they got away with
Mine has. He's been down 17 years. He wants to go home and start with as clean a slate as possible and that requires transparency. If I learned of his non-convicted crimes after he got home, that would be unsettling to me. He had to know that I could handle his past; I needed to know he trusted me enough to tell me.
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Old 09-08-2019, 07:46 PM
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In curiosity you want to know, you just not sure if your ready for the answer right now. If you aren't ready to ask him now, wait until he's released to ask him. You should want to know his back story regardless of what he tells you. If you don't ask you'll always be curious about it.

I'm aware of why he's incarcerated. He told me about it. I want to know more about his back story. I'd rather just wait after he's released to know the rest.
Waiting until he's released is good advice. I'm sure it's safer that way. Not that he would lie, but it's not like letters and phone calls are private.
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Old 09-08-2019, 07:49 PM
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Mine has. He's been down 17 years. He wants to go home and start with as clean a slate as possible and that requires transparency. If I learned of his non-convicted crimes after he got home, that would be unsettling to me. He had to know that I could handle his past; I needed to know he trusted me enough to tell me.
I think it is more of worrying who else is listening or reading.

Full disclosure is definitely a requirement for me when he gets out.
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Old 09-08-2019, 07:50 PM
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It's not that I'm afraid. More like apprehensive. I know it's probably a lot. I'm not sure how to explain it. It's not going to change how I feel towards him, that I know.
Im big on honesty. I needed to know all of him. I needed him to trust me with all of him.

We are also not MWI, but there was a lot I didnt know. I did wait until his case was over and he moved to prison. It still took time because he was afraid I would look at him differently. I thanked him for trusting me.

There is a weight that leaves them. When they can be fully themselves, and the bs is out of the way. It takes a lot of trust and commitment that you aren't going to scold them, judge them or leave them for revealing the darkest part of who they are.
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Old 09-08-2019, 08:01 PM
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I think it is more of worrying who else is listening or reading.

Full disclosure is definitely a requirement for me when he gets out.
In our state, they are directly asked at their parole hearing about activities that they participated in but were never caught. If there's anything in their confidential file that links them to a crime and they don't bring it up, it can lead to a denial. They aren't convicted for those things and for most of them, the statutes have run out regardless.

He's told me most of it during visits. Some of it was shocking. Some of it seems laughable now that he's a grown man.

Sadly, I know an MWI who's struggling at the moment because her LO isn't being transparent while he's inside. She doesn't know his past and because his past is linked to part of his ability to make parole, things just aren't lining up. Why he doesn't just tell her, I don't know. But it's not a position I would want to be in.
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Old 09-08-2019, 08:08 PM
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There is a weight that leaves them. When they can be fully themselves, and the bs is out of the way. It takes a lot of trust and commitment that you aren't going to scold them, judge them or leave them for revealing the darkest part of who they are.
^^^This was true for both of us. I'm not a felon but I'm not without a past. We decided to just put it out there.

I should also say, we've been together about seven years and married four of those. If we had been short time MWI-- say a year or less to the gate, I might wait, as well. But as we decided to get married and our feelings were strong, we needed to go there long before he could possibly be released.
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Old 09-08-2019, 08:14 PM
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^^^This was true for both of us. I'm not a felon but I'm not without a past. We decided to just put it out there.

I should also say, we've been together about seven years and married four of those. If we had been short time MWI-- say a year or less to the gate, I might wait, as well. But as we decided to get married and our feelings were strong, we needed to go there long before he could possibly be released.
It also brought us to a place where he shares his deepest emotions and fears now. He is not typically that guy. I always know what he thinking and feeling, but I want him verbalize it. Especially with a past addiction, most numb themselves instead of handling it. It is new territory for him to be vulnerable. I mean no one else can see it except family and our kids.

But yes, if you are planning to spend your life together I dont believe in tip toeing around things. I may not like it. He may not like it but we have to learn how to deal with the big stuff.
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Old 09-08-2019, 08:34 PM
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Waiting until he's released is good advice. I'm sure it's safer that way. Not that he would lie, but it's not like letters and phone calls are private.
It's no privacy at all and waiting until he's released is better. That way your able to sit down with him face to face. As he open up to you about it. You'll get to understand his struggle, his weakness, his overall strength!! Everything that has made him a better and changed man today.
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Old 09-12-2019, 02:26 PM
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Yepp, I know it all, more than I needed to know! This is his only incarceration, no priors - but he was practically a kid.

Now, there are things about his past that I'd still like to learn and I've known Jr 20 years - I'm waiting for pillow talks, ya know like bed time stories, some are scary, dramatic or comical and better off told in chill privacy mode.

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Old 09-14-2019, 01:11 PM
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When I first started talking to him, I HAD NO idea what he was in for. I was even afraid to ask, so I never did until two months ago. Since then, he's been more open with what he's done in the past and about his first time in prison. Yes, my guy is basically on his last chance. He gets another strike in this wonderful state, and he's done. And what he did do to land himself in prison, it's something that I can look past. He's not in for kiddie stuff, not murder, it had nothing to do with drugs, and he didn't rape anyone. I won't say what it was, but he's changed. All he talks about now is looking forward to what he can do, and what he wants to do. And that is what matters.
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Old 10-10-2019, 03:44 PM
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At the very beginning he made me look up his record. He wanted to make sure I knew everything. He's been completely up front about his past and all his struggles
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