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  #26  
Old 01-10-2009, 11:25 AM
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Sometimes I wonder what the world is all about anymore. I do my best to focus on work and on remaining positive, but I look around and feel at such a distance from what is taking place. I'm not sure I would want to dive head-long into the whole scene again even if I could do so. But, from time to time, I feel a bit lost in the crowd. I try to believe there is a reason and a purpose for it all, yet I feel lonely.
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Old 01-11-2009, 10:49 AM
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When the world makes no sense to me anymore and I feel afraid, I remember with the help of my family and the people I love that there are a few things that make it all worthwhile: love, hope, faith and kindness. Thank God I have people in my life who remind me of these things. Of all four of these, love is the one that erases the pain and replaces it with joy. I could live a lifetime within the space of a moment when I'm with those I love.
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Old 01-12-2009, 12:42 PM
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I am entering my sixth month of freedmon after having done 14 years. All total however I`ve done over 30 years. I`m clean and will stay for the rest of my life no matter how long or short it may be. Come join us at the prison show some Firday night. You would enjoy it.
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Old 01-12-2009, 10:06 PM
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Mary,

All I want to say is Thank you for this thread.

When I am down or afraid I know where to come.

I read your posts and I know that I will make it through what ever challenge ahead of me.

Patti
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Old 01-13-2009, 12:23 PM
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Mary,

All I want to say is Thank you for this thread.

When I am down or afraid I know where to come.

I read your posts and I know that I will make it through what ever challenge ahead of me.

Patti

Patti,

You touch me so much by saying these words to me. It makes me feel deeply moved to know that somehow my posts help you. I love you, girl!

Mary
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Old 01-13-2009, 12:26 PM
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I had a dream last night. In the dream, I was walking down a long, empty road and the sun was setting far away in the sky. The world was all pink and blue and the yellow-gold of the fading sun was spreading out against the sky. I was so happy to be walking toward that sky. I felt free and felt sure that the walk, the simple act of moving forward was what mattered most to me. I have no idea where I was going; it didn't matter. I was free.
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  #32  
Old 01-15-2009, 10:04 AM
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I am ready for spring to arrive. The winter seems to be so very long this year, and I want to see colors again....the flowers in bloom, the green trees, the sun beaming high in the sky above. Just the thought of these things makes me feel good inside. Come spring, come soon.
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Old 01-15-2009, 10:34 PM
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Girl, I pray that God gives you the desires of your heart and clears your mind of your pains and troubles. You will get your inheritance and I know he has forgiven you! All that's left for you to go to the next level in your life is to forgive yourself, stop worrying, and be patient. You are about to be increased through his everlasting mercy, and not decreased. Let go and let God! Keep us posted Mary!
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  #34  
Old 01-16-2009, 08:53 AM
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Girl, I pray that God gives you the desires of your heart and clears your mind of your pains and troubles. You will get your inheritance and I know he has forgiven you! All that's left for you to go to the next level in your life is to forgive yourself, stop worrying, and be patient. You are about to be increased through his everlasting mercy, and not decreased. Let go and let God! Keep us posted Mary!
Thank you with all my heart for your post, Myheartishis. Love to you!

Mary
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Old 01-16-2009, 11:13 PM
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No problem you deserved to hear that! Youre a fighter and I wish you the best!
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  #36  
Old 01-19-2009, 09:52 AM
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Sometimes, like today, I wake up and feel like an ordinary woman. I forget for a while the past and realize that the beauty of life is in appreciating this moment. So, I treasure right now, this instant, because I am free of pain, free of despair, free of sadness, free of loneliness. I value this moment because I am alive and I have the world with me and I'm with the world, and no matter how big it all is sometimes, I'm a part of it.
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Old 01-23-2009, 09:14 AM
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I have been working all week on this new writing contract, and the articles I have written have been well-received by the publisher. I just got another assignment from them to write five more, so I am truly pleased to be finding my way back into the land of the employed. The only hard part about it is that I spend most of my time alone. Writing is lonesome work and at the end of the day, I don't have anyone much to share my feelings and thoughts with. I hope this will not always be so.
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Old 01-23-2009, 08:26 PM
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I know that this thread is a year old, but I was thoroughly intrigued by the title of it. Mary - you have gotten a great start on moving forward, and it all comes from your attitude! It is inspiring to read how someone who had just gotten out (within a year) had such a good outlook and clear mindset on how to handle criticism and progress in life! I sincerely wish you the best in life, and pray that your own siblings can learn to forgive your mistakes and love you like they should. Family should always stick together!
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Old 01-23-2009, 09:05 PM
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Thanks from my heart to you both for your support and kindness. It feels good to be free. It feels good to be strong. I'm done with self-hatred and with people who want to push me back down. I'm done with the anger. I feel like someone I always wanted to be at long last. Somehow, making the mistakes and going through the hell that followed them made me a better woman. That is what I am going to hold onto from this day forward. I'm tired of looking back. That part of my life will always trace itself across my heart, but it will not stop me from the life that stands before me.
You go girl....I am so proud of you. You hold your head up high and if people don't like it you tell them to kiss your a*s.
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  #40  
Old 01-23-2009, 09:13 PM
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[quote=Mary_Magdalene;4215907]Today is the first day of December, and one year ago, I will still locked inside a prison cell. One month from now, on January 1, I will celebrate the first anniversary of my release. I find myself taking stock of my life now and I'm trying to find myself again after plummeting from the sky like a fallen star.

Now, I am able to see the beauty of myself again despite what I underwent. I am able to stand up stronger against those who wish me ill. I am able to walk away, like a lady, when someone insults me. I am proud of the lines on my face and the tattoos on my arms that mark the passage of time.

It doesn't matter to me anymore what people think of me. I am happy with myself. Though the world tends to look at me with only one perception of who I am, I see myself as a kaleidescope of color and possibility.[/quoteGood job girl. You deserve to be proud. Keep up the good work, and congratulations.]
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Old 01-24-2009, 09:20 PM
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Mary - I don't know if you have any words for this, but here it is...

I was talking to my friend recently who has been behind bars for a long time, and is facing another 10(to life) years. He's been doing really well, working hard to do right, taking college classes, etc. But, sometimes he feels like giving up, and just throwing in the towel. He said that he feels this pull in both directions. Pulled towards the dark side - just let release the pent up violence, fight, and give up the stress and pressure. Of course, that's the last thing we want for him. He knows he'd be giving up everything that waits for him on the outside. He'd give up ever being released. But I DO try to see his side - the pressure he's under, the stress every day. Who wouldn't crack??

Do you have any idea of how to help, insight, ways to encourage? We love him so much, and he has so much more time to face. We worry if he is thinking about giving up now - what will happen in 2 or 5 years? He has so many years ahead. Is this a phase people go through? Is there anything we can do to help, or should we just step back and let time do it's thing? It's so hard to see him in pain.

Em/Guile
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  #42  
Old 01-25-2009, 01:09 PM
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Charlie, Nanny & Shrek, Thank you all so much for your encouraging words. It means a lot to hear someone say such nice things to me. I'm grateful and humbled by you all. I send you my love and all my hopes for peace and joy in your worlds.
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  #43  
Old 01-25-2009, 02:21 PM
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Mary - I don't know if you have any words for this, but here it is...

I was talking to my friend recently who has been behind bars for a long time, and is facing another 10(to life) years. He's been doing really well, working hard to do right, taking college classes, etc. But, sometimes he feels like giving up, and just throwing in the towel. He said that he feels this pull in both directions. Pulled towards the dark side - just let release the pent up violence, fight, and give up the stress and pressure. Of course, that's the last thing we want for him. He knows he'd be giving up everything that waits for him on the outside. He'd give up ever being released. But I DO try to see his side - the pressure he's under, the stress every day. Who wouldn't crack??

Do you have any idea of how to help, insight, ways to encourage? We love him so much, and he has so much more time to face. We worry if he is thinking about giving up now - what will happen in 2 or 5 years? He has so many years ahead. Is this a phase people go through? Is there anything we can do to help, or should we just step back and let time do it's thing? It's so hard to see him in pain.

Em/Guile
Em/Guile,

I wish I had some pearls of wisdom to give you; I'm not sure what the answer is for your friend. But, I can tell you that age and readiness have so much to do with whether a person will end a cycle of violence and rough riding or not. I know that I wasn't ready to put down my bad ways until just before I got put in the klinker. I finished up a wild life the day I walked in those prison doors and I haven't looked back since. BUT, the thing is: I was READY to put that life away and not go back. Up until that time, I still enjoyed the thrill of that life and the risks and uncertainty of it all.

The only thing I can advise is that you show him that you love and care about him and offer him always options to do and feel things that aren't negative. Share books and films that have inspiring words in them. Offer him chances to go to positive events--concerts by good artists, family times with good food..all without alcohol/drugs.

I wish you and your friend the best.

Love,
Mary
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Old 01-25-2009, 09:19 PM
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Em/Guile - I hope you don't mind my jumping in here.

What helped me was to set a goal to achieve while in, and to work towards after I got out. I took college classes and exemption tests towards a general degree/core classes. I also looked for anyone who was somewhat positive and avoided trouble. Ego was not allowed to make my decisions, only chasing my goal of early release and college after that. I am now finally facing the root causes of my own issues, and facing the devil inside.

If I had done this years ago, I could have had peace a long time ago. I have been out for 17 years now, and never been arrested or suspected for anything since. Even so, I have had to fight many an internal battle for my own sanity.

Short of placing himself in imminent danger, he needs to keep his focus on real positive goals, and most of all his release! If his fight is internal, then it is tough - but he has to face it at some point in time, or it will win. Even now, my first reaction to anything negative is iron fisted and I have to fight that battle immediately or lose it! Let him know that you care about him, and you support him in every way that you can. Whatever he needs to succeed, help him out! If he is willing to work hard to get out and fly straight, then support him all the way! The worst thing to do is to take away any support or give up on him, no matter how bad it gets for him. Letters were golden to me, as phone calls were few and far between. His morale is vital to staying on the course! If he has a tactical type of mindset, then get him focused soley on his release, and being free again. Hope is the most important thing to a prisoner (of any kind). Hope is life!

I hope this helps some.





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Mary - I don't know if you have any words for this, but here it is...

I was talking to my friend recently who has been behind bars for a long time, and is facing another 10(to life) years. He's been doing really well, working hard to do right, taking college classes, etc. But, sometimes he feels like giving up, and just throwing in the towel. He said that he feels this pull in both directions. Pulled towards the dark side - just let release the pent up violence, fight, and give up the stress and pressure. Of course, that's the last thing we want for him. He knows he'd be giving up everything that waits for him on the outside. He'd give up ever being released. But I DO try to see his side - the pressure he's under, the stress every day. Who wouldn't crack??

Do you have any idea of how to help, insight, ways to encourage? We love him so much, and he has so much more time to face. We worry if he is thinking about giving up now - what will happen in 2 or 5 years? He has so many years ahead. Is this a phase people go through? Is there anything we can do to help, or should we just step back and let time do it's thing? It's so hard to see him in pain.

Em/Guile
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  #45  
Old 01-26-2009, 03:47 PM
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Em/Guile,

My apologies for the fact that I misunderstood you. When I first read your post, I thought your friend was out of prison and was potentially going back. It is only now that I realize after re-reading it that he is still inside. Bearing that in mind, I would advise a couple of things.

First off, keep those cards and letters going in to him and always include inspiring stories, poems, song lyrics. Also, go and visit as much as you can and always encourage him to read, take courses, get involved in programs. It's so important that he knows he has people on the outside who want him to succeed.

I know all about the internal battles that he is going through, and what I said in my initial response still holds: He has to be ready to defeat his inner demons before he can do so. All you can do is provide him with positive reinforcement. I wish you only the best. My prayers are with you and your friend.

Love,
Mary
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Old 01-28-2009, 04:21 PM
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It's nearly the end of January and the new year has begun well. My writing is going nicely and the publisher continues to request more articles from me. This week, I have been so busy that I almost have more than I can do. That is a very good thing, I tell you.

I woke up this morning and listened to the raindrops falling on the rooftop. It occurred to me how wonderful it was just to lie there alone, in silence, absorbing the sounds of each droplet. It occurred to me what a gift it is to have the freedom to do it. I remember waking up in my cell and not being able to hear anything but clanking metal, doors slamming, people yelling. No time alone. No time to enjoy silence. It's the most incredible joy to me to have peace in my life.

The only missing element is my lover to share this with. He is across the ocean and it will be a long time before we see each other. I'm grateful for the phone calls and the e-mails, but I miss him.
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Old 02-01-2009, 05:28 PM
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Wow I just read your thread it is very inspiring and interesting. I think you are a very smart women with compassion and a love for life. I do hope you are able to travel soon. Is your boyfriend able to come to the States? Please continue writting it is very sobering.
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Old 02-02-2009, 06:44 AM
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Maggiemissing,

Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement. I really need that a lot. I hope every day just to be able to keep moving forward and learning and trying to make some kind of a positive difference in this world. My bf can't come visit me right now because of financial issues, but I'm hopeful that he can this summer. (sigh)

Love,
Mary
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Old 02-02-2009, 02:57 PM
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It's a rainy day in February and I'm inside enjoying a quiet afternoon. I wrote several articles this morning, and I'm pleasantly tired from doing so. I have a lot of energy for doing the work and it keeps me from brooding. Sometimes, though, in the quiet of the afternoon, I feel the silence around me. I have meditated on this silence. I believe that all beauty, all truth, all understanding, in fact, all life comes from silence. There is a void and we fill it. There are many people who live an entire life running away from silence, fearing it. The television is always on. The radio is always playing. The voices are always chattering about so much of nothing. I feel that the only way to make peace with yourself, with your soul and with whatever comes in the next life is to embrace the silence and make it your friend. It is in silence that I write. It is in silence that I think. And, it is in silence that I love.
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Old 02-04-2009, 07:37 AM
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These are hard times for the whole world economically and socially. Sometimes I wonder what life will be like in say 10 or even 20 years. I wonder if we might go back to a simpler existence by necessity or if we'll just keep on progressing technologically until everything is robotic. I pray for a kind of melding of the two extremes with a return to at least some form of simplicity and a modification of the technology that leaves so many jobless. I pray that we will all look to each other for some of the love and understanding that so many of us turn to drugs and alcohol for. I pray that we will have some kind of harmony in this world before I make my final journey to my spiritual destination.
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