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  #76  
Old 08-06-2009, 10:29 AM
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Originally Posted by Mary_Magdalene View Post
The one thing I can say for sure is that I tell the truth at all times now. That means that even if it's unpleasant or less than appealing, I say it anyway. The first part of my life, I spent way too much time lying--either to please other people or to get out of trouble. I just don't live that way anymore.

So, the truth is: I am at the point of wondering if it's worth it to keep on trying to get through this life when all the odds seems stacked against me. I think that maybe it would be easier on my family and what remaining friends I have if I just quietly disappeared. Somehow, that sounds like the answer to me. Disappearing would allow me to let go of the pain, of the past, and of the burden I am to others.

I really need to think this through.
Mary - I just made it back to the site and (as always!) enjoy reading what you write. It is good to know that our parents support and love us no matter what we have done in the past, not everyone is so fortunate in this way. It is not always so with others who claim to be friends or love us, as we all have experienced.

I am happy to read that you recuperating now, and I pray that this continues so that you can regain both body and spirit to their full capacity again.

I was just thinking about my case this morning, and it did not anger me or raise any emotions at all - just indifference to the reality of how it was played out.

The unemployment streak continues on now over 6 months, but I keep looking, contacting people, and working around the property. Some projects work, while other are not fully successful yet. Perceived failures, combined with boredom, work to only depress the spirit over time. As long as I can learn from those setbacks, I can appreciate the time spent on it as a lesson in life - and not a failure. This is almost never easy though!

I too have thought of dropping out, but anyone who truly cares for you would be devastated if you were to just disappear. Recently, we have been watching the different shows based in AK about city people surviving up there in the wild. Now, there is the Colony which is based in L.A., CA. It is amazing the differences between those that are set in AK, where you are concerned about water, food, & heat VS in L.A. where they worry about electricity, running water, marauders, generators, etc... I would much prefer the AK lifestyle, and being back to the bare basics of life. My wife is not keen on it at all though! As simple as life should be, we humans always tend to over complicate it. Why?

I still struggle with feeling like a success in my own life, especially now. We all make poor choices and all have to decide to change, if we want to improve our lot in life. Aimlessly wandering through life is the worst thing we can do, as I can tell you from experience. Purpose and direction is one thing that gives us hope & reason for moving on.

Your writing is a real gift to the rest of us, and I do appreciate your sharing it with us. Sometimes, the best gift we can give is letting others have a glimpse into our own lives and they can see that others have tough problems to deal with also. They can then feel connected to another human, which we all need at some point. While most of us dwell on the burdens of finance and physical assistance, we tend to forget the emotional gifts that we too offer back to those people who help us. I know from being on both sides of it, that sometimes people need to help others - for their own good. At other times, it can be the smallest effort for us to help someone, but carry huge significance to them!

Keep your faith, and the strength will follow!
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  #77  
Old 08-23-2009, 05:48 PM
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Mary,

It is good to hear that things are improving for you, at least somewhat. I can say the same for myself, even though the pace of improvement is sometimes vanishingly slow. I think your book could be something special. You are a very good writer, and you definitely have an important story to tell. There also can be no doubt that you put ample thought into your words. Besides a good agent I'm not sure what else is required to put together a great work.
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  #78  
Old 10-18-2009, 02:36 PM
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I'm back after a lengthy period of time during which I dealt with a major health scare, had a surgical intervention, recovered from it and hopefully learned a few things I didn't know before.

After the surgery, I had a lot of time on my hands, so I tried to put it to good use by reading new and important books to help me continue on my long struggle to find myself again. I wrote a short story about my experiences and it is soon to be published. And, I feel a little less sad than before, though it still comes and goes sometimes.

The book I'm reading at the moment is about evolving the human brain through conscious effort. I am doing everything I can to understand this process and put it into application. With positive thoughts and daily meditative visualizations of what and who I want to be, I pray that I reach the goal of a whole, centered and strong human being.

Letting go of the past is a huge part of this process, so more than anything else, I want to give back to others via my writing in order to help anyone along the way who needs something I might be able to give.
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Old 10-19-2009, 04:19 AM
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Hi Mary,

I'm new to PTO and have begun to cross paths with your posts. I am so glad to have found your thread. From reading your posts, I know you are a strong and beautiful person.
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  #80  
Old 10-19-2009, 05:32 AM
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Thanks, Seattle, for the kind words. It's very nice to cross paths with you, and I am grateful that you read what I have written.
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  #81  
Old 10-20-2009, 03:42 AM
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The world is large and time is brief. These were two conclusions I came to while in prison, and I try to remember them each day. Remembering how large the world is reminds me to continue striving to see more and more of it. In prison, obviously, I couldn't see any of the world at all, only the inside of a concrete maze designed to enclose and separate.

Of equal importance is remembering how brief our time on this earth is. When in prison, time collapses and folds in on you. After it's over, your realize what a waste it was and how you never want to waste time again. I remind myself each day that this life we have is not a dress rehearsal. It's the actual play, and we have no time to practice. We must live it as though we have only one performance. And, that really is all we have.

I strive to eat well, think well, be well and do well. I strive for little else except to be a better writer, friend, lover and daughter than I was before.
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  #82  
Old 10-21-2009, 09:48 AM
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Each day when I wake up, I remember that this freedom is a gift. I feel the warmth of the covers on my bed, hear the birds outside my window, smell the clean air. I am at home. I am not locked inside a cage any longer. It is always humbling when I think about that fact because so many people are not as fortunate as I am. For them, I say a silent prayer.

Though I could spend a great deal of time complaining about the injustices of the world toward an ex-felon, I guess it would be a waste of effort to do so. Still, I must say that having people judge me on that basis stings like a sharp knife going through my heart. The pain of that is something I face each day. I pray with all my heart and soul that some fine day, a person will look into my eyes, knowing who I am and the mistakes I made, and give me a chance to earn a living anyway. I pray it so hard.
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  #83  
Old 10-21-2009, 01:25 PM
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Mary,
I was so happy to see you back. I love reading your post. When I first read your post my son was at the start of prison life, he now has 48 days to go. My son will be coming home so reading your post has gave me much to think about. I do so worry about how he will make it and not go back to the life of running the streets. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your posting and the honest feeling you write about. GOD is with us and blessing us each and every day even when we don't see them as blessing.
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  #84  
Old 10-22-2009, 07:54 AM
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Em/Guile,

My apologies for the fact that I misunderstood you. When I first read your post, I thought your friend was out of prison and was potentially going back. It is only now that I realize after re-reading it that he is still inside. Bearing that in mind, I would advise a couple of things.

First off, keep those cards and letters going in to him and always include inspiring stories, poems, song lyrics. Also, go and visit as much as you can and always encourage him to read, take courses, get involved in programs. It's so important that he knows he has people on the outside who want him to succeed.

I know all about the internal battles that he is going through, and what I said in my initial response still holds: He has to be ready to defeat his inner demons before he can do so. All you can do is provide him with positive reinforcement. I wish you only the best. My prayers are with you and your friend.

Love,
Mary
Mary, an older post, but timely advice. My pen pal is looking at 17 more years and I am happy to know the mail, visits and positive encouragement will help him fight his inner demons. He struggles with self harming issues. We laugh a lot a visits and I try to stay positive. Thanks for affirming what felt right.
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-Matthew 25:36
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  #85  
Old 10-23-2009, 03:29 PM
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Mary, an older post, but timely advice. My pen pal is looking at 17 more years and I am happy to know the mail, visits and positive encouragement will help him fight his inner demons. He struggles with self harming issues. We laugh a lot a visits and I try to stay positive. Thanks for affirming what felt right.

I'm so glad that you are helping your friend by encouraging him in the right ways. You sound like a great person, and I know he benefits from your interactions together.

When you go into prison as an inmate you are facing the darkest hours imaginable. It takes great courage and faith to get through it because all you really have in there is yourself and the love you get from those who support you. It's like an ongoing battle between yourself and yourself. And, you must be the victor or all is lost.
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  #86  
Old 10-23-2009, 04:26 PM
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Mary,
I was so happy to see you back. I love reading your post. When I first read your post my son was at the start of prison life, he now has 48 days to go. My son will be coming home so reading your post has gave me much to think about. I do so worry about how he will make it and not go back to the life of running the streets. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your posting and the honest feeling you write about. GOD is with us and blessing us each and every day even when we don't see them as blessing.
Judean,

Please forgive my tardiness in responding to your sweet post. I am SO happy to hear that your son will be coming home soon. That is wonderful news. He is so fortunate to have a mother like you, and I am fortunate to have met you here. You are a wonderful woman. I wish you and he the best of all things. Keep the faith!!!

Love,
Mary
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  #87  
Old 10-24-2009, 02:17 AM
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I'm so glad that you are helping your friend by encouraging him in the right ways. You sound like a great person, and I know he benefits from your interactions together.
Mary, I don't want to "hijack" your thread by requesting specific advice about supporting my friend, so I have started a separate thread in Straight Talk... or you can address it here, your choice - either way, your input and the input of any others would be appreciated.
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  #88  
Old 10-24-2009, 02:57 PM
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I used to be a bad girl, a wild child. On a Saturday night back before I reformed my ways, I was out with all kinds of people drinking, smoking, having mindless conversations and doing mindless things. I would wake up on Sunday morning and wouldn't know where I was or what I was doing the night before. Slowly, as the day would progress I would remember in flashes what nonsense I had done the night before. And, you know what? I don't miss that at all. Not one single bit. I look back on those times as a necessary part of my development as a human being. For whatever reasons, I had to burn the candle at both ends until I flamed out. Once I saw where it was getting me (nowhere), I stopped. Of course, going to prison had something to do with that. But, more importantly, stopping the drugs had more to do with it.

So, here I am, all grown up now, a free woman with a Saturday night ahead in which I will be fully alive and fully aware of every moment. Time is so precious to me now. I wouldn't waste one second of it doing anything that made me feel numb or unaware of life and all its sweet pleasures.

In some really bizarre way, I'm thankful that things turned out the way they did. If I hadn't made a big mistake and had to stop doing what I was doing, I would probably be dead now.

Vive la vie!
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  #89  
Old 10-28-2009, 01:02 PM
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Of late, I have become a great follower of bullfighting. Though I have always been interested in the subject and found it intriguing, it was only recently that I started truly studying this ancient art form. I watched a documentary about a young man named David Fandilo, 'El Fandi.' He began fighting the bulls at a young age and studied it for years. He is now considered the greatest fighter in Spain. After watching that documentary, I began viewing and reading everything I could get my hands on about the subject.

For quite some time, I have not been especially passionate about anything. But, finally, I have something to aspire to. I want to go to Madrid in the bullfighting season and see the fights. It may be a long while before I can go due to travel restrictions, but when I am free to travel abroad, even if by then I am old, I will see a real bullfight.

Their courage, bravura and sheer artistry amaze me. There are things about the fighting that are brutal and harsh, but there is no other sport where a man steps into a ring with a beast born and bred to kill and dances with him until one of them dies.
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Old 10-29-2009, 01:57 AM
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Bad dreams woke me up in the night, and so here I am awake and only my thoughts to keep me company. In the dreams, I was being pursued relentlessly by a shark in murky water. I knew that I was about to be devoured, but I could not swim fast enough to get away. I awoke in a state of panic, not knowing if the dream was real or not.

In some ways, the dream reminded me of being pursued by the police when I was in trouble. I saw them coming, yet no matter how fast I drove, I could not get away.

I will be so glad when some day I can stop having such nightmares and such memories. If only I could erase from my mind what happened in the past.
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Old 10-29-2009, 03:19 PM
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Bad dreams woke me up in the night, and so here I am awake and only my thoughts to keep me company. In the dreams, I was being pursued relentlessly by a shark in murky water. I knew that I was about to be devoured, but I could not swim fast enough to get away. I awoke in a state of panic, not knowing if the dream was real or not.

In some ways, the dream reminded me of being pursued by the police when I was in trouble. I saw them coming, yet no matter how fast I drove, I could not get away.

I will be so glad when some day I can stop having such nightmares and such memories. If only I could erase from my mind what happened in the past.
Awww Mary,
I am sending you comforting thoughts.
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Old 11-02-2009, 04:08 PM
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Putting the Record Straight

I have been coming here for quite some time, and I have drifted away on occasion, usually to return and find some reason to reach out again. But, the bottomline is that I feel at times like I give a great deal more than I receive. I don't mind that most of the time, but when I do finally break down and ask for help and advice, I get judgement and criticism instead. That's just not what I call a reciprocal deal.

I have plenty of other outlets, so this one is not going to be the one that makes or breaks me in terms of my ability to reach others and be reached by those who want to reach me. But, I'm done with this place. It's not helpful to my healing process, and I've shared way more than I ever meant to. For what good it has done, I hope that others will take any words I gave and use them. For what I got back, I can't say much except it's disappointing.

Goodbye. Good luck.
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  #93  
Old 11-02-2009, 04:39 PM
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Mary,

Please don't leave us....

Mary, hugs to you and prayers for you... other than our love and respect, is there anything your friends at PTO can provide for you at this time? Where are those haters, what thread...?

Could you stay available to us via PM's. You can send things to up to 5 people at a time and it is entirely private. We could continue to share and support each other confidentially... Please say yes!

Julie
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I needed clothes and you clothed me,
I was sick and you looked after me,
I was in prison and you came to visit me.
-Matthew 25:36

Last edited by Seattle118; 11-02-2009 at 04:41 PM..
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