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Now That Your Loved One Is Home... Please share stories about your loved one now they are home.

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  #26  
Old 12-20-2016, 08:53 AM
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45 miles is not a bad thing but it seems So Cal has some pretty narly traffic. We do to but it depends on what time of day.
My hub lives about 20-30 min away, depending on traffic. Since Im not doing freeway driving....it tends to be on the long end. Most of the time he drives down here. (yeah, Im spoiled lol)

Glad things are going good.
Yeah, there's sort of a back way to her place from my office that's about 7 miles longer and involves driving through some foothills that can save 30-40 minutes at times. But at the same time I've been an Angelina my whole life so sitting around in traffic is nothing I am not used to...

Dee surprised me. I set a DMV appointment for her to get her ID. She wound up taking the driving test too. Failed it. But she has access to a car and she wants to minimize the amount of driving that myself and her parents have to do so she's anxious to get that freedom back.
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  #27  
Old 12-20-2016, 09:33 AM
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Yeah, a drive of nearly any length or amount of time should certainly be acceptable, considering what we've endured prior to her coming home! Had Randi Lynn been able to transfer to the Danbury women's camp, I would have gone every weekend to see her, if visitation been a possibility..Unfortunately, since I am MWI, and didn't know her before her incarceration, it was never a possibility according to Fed rules. I would have found the 1 3/4 hours drive perfectly fine, because, as we know, we'll go to extraordinary lengths to be with the one we love. In waiting for years to actually have her in the real world, a drive of some length isn't much of a problem...Reasserting her independence is something that dee must do, and her being able to drive herself here and there is a big deal. Part of returning to society, and functioning in it is a laudable goal, and will only reinforce her sense of "normal". Good for you both, and thanks so much for the updates!!
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  #28  
Old 12-20-2016, 11:02 AM
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Congratulations! I cried reading this and literally felt your emotions as you told your story...I'm so Happy and excited for you. Kudos to you for all of your patience and support. Truly inspirational for those of us trapped in this controlled world. I Can't wait until our day comes. Enjoy every moment you guys deserve it. A Very Merry Christmas for You!
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Old 12-20-2016, 05:25 PM
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Yay!!! So happy for you! I'm glad things are going so well!
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  #30  
Old 12-20-2016, 05:44 PM
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I have been absolutely impressed at how she's thrown herself into things and really, in many ways, hit the ground running. At the same time, she's done so according to the RIGHT PRIORITIES. She's checked in with parole, they've checked the house, her ID is handled, her Social Security stuff is handled, she's signed up for mandatory substance abuse classes, and she gave a crack at the DMV driving test (written part,) and while she didn't pass the first time, I was impressed that she put herself up to that challenge this quickly (not to mention now that she knows what sorts of questions to expect she also has some idea about what she needs to study.)

It's very early in the game, but one thing that's been important to me is to see that she can establish herself without me having to direct her, guide her, or act as her voice. Of course, I'm right here if she needs me. But she's been doing all this on her own. On top of it, she's been greeted warmly by family and is very happy to be home. There's challenges to it and she feels like she needs to do certain things to build trust up....she takes ownership of how things were before and that there's a reason she needs to do those things....but she's rising to each and every one of them so far.

I know the bigger question is....how is she doing at 3 months? How about at 6? A year? We can't really get to those milestones until we get there. But to see her out and focused like this.....makes me very happy. I hope it continues, that she does well in those classes, and that she continues to show me that she can do what I've always known she's capable of doing (but that maybe others, including herself, weren't always so sure about.)
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  #31  
Old 12-20-2016, 06:55 PM
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Terrific stuff, and right on course. As long as you remain a critical "cog" in her re-emergence into the world. Your view relative to her needs is amazing, Were it me, I'd be much more interested in spending more time, but your situation, and her family, obviously take precedence. My view is undoubtedly colored by the fact that I've never met my MWI gal, but having her locked away for so long, would make me a bit "greedy" for her company. I applaud your patience and perspective!
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  #32  
Old 12-21-2016, 01:31 AM
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Nothing has ever come easy for Dee and me as a couple. In many ways, the last few days have been the best for us communication-wise that we've ever had. I can honestly say that while this will definitely not always be the case, Saturday was the best day we've had in the entire 6 1/2 years of our relationship. We finally got to just BE TOGETHER. No restriction. Even the year and a half we had before she got locked up there was always one thing or another hanging over our relationship. So to just be together.....that was amazing.

Don't get me wrong. I WANT MORE. LOL! But our time will come. If this is what I have to go through with her to have her for the next 40, 50, 60 years.....then this is a piece of cake after the last 5. More to the point, she's getting things accomplished on her own and showing everyone that she can handle freedom, and I'm proud of her.
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  #33  
Old 12-21-2016, 04:39 AM
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Without question, the ability for her to stand on her own two feet is important, and to really return to society requires quite a bit of time and effort. Between yourself and her family members, that is quite the resource network at this time. Being patient and supportive while not smothering her is obviously the best way for you two as a couple. Having followed your observations for quite a while, your approach is the way you intimated it would be when she got out, especially with the closeness and involvement of her family. It works best when you work together, and this must be what she is comfortable with as well. It works for you, and I appreciate your continuing to keep us abreast of how you're doing, since you were so willing to share so much prior to her freedom!
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  #34  
Old 12-22-2016, 07:14 AM
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You might mention that the CA dmv has practice tests online.
There are several of them, free to take.

Several yrs ago, I had my wallet stolen. My DL was in there. Since it was only a few months before I needed to renew mine, I opted to reup when I went to get the replacement. LOL
I had to take the written test. I too, flunked.
So I sat right there with the manuel, read it.
And retook it. Had I failed it again I would have had to drive up to the other dmv and try again or come back the next day.
Thank God I passed it the second time.

(on principle tho I did answer a question wrong. The question was.......when is it ok to park in a red zone. I forget all the possible answers but one was When you are a police/fire/ambulance.......I checked that one knowing its never allowed but I'd bet no one would tag it if it was)

Anyway.......Glad Dee is getting it done!
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  #35  
Old 12-22-2016, 12:26 PM
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Originally Posted by sidewalker View Post
You might mention that the CA dmv has practice tests online.
There are several of them, free to take.

Several yrs ago, I had my wallet stolen. My DL was in there. Since it was only a few months before I needed to renew mine, I opted to reup when I went to get the replacement. LOL
I had to take the written test. I too, flunked.
So I sat right there with the manuel, read it.
And retook it. Had I failed it again I would have had to drive up to the other dmv and try again or come back the next day.
Thank God I passed it the second time.

(on principle tho I did answer a question wrong. The question was.......when is it ok to park in a red zone. I forget all the possible answers but one was When you are a police/fire/ambulance.......I checked that one knowing its never allowed but I'd bet no one would tag it if it was)

Anyway.......Glad Dee is getting it done!
Ha ha! I didn't talk with her about it, thought she was just going to get an ID, but I did download an app when I was loading her phone that has access to those DMV practice tests you speak of. I said "babe, you did see the DMV app on your phone, right?" "Yeah." "You know there's practice tests and study guides on there, right?" "....there is?" "Yup! Now you'll be ready next time."

As for the Red Zone, when I'm Downtown and getting things for the business, I call that "E's Parking Spot." LOL!
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Old 12-24-2016, 08:24 AM
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lol! Good for her. Now she can practice with the tests.

as for the red zone?
If I am having a heart attack or my house is on fire, they had better park in the red zone!!!
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  #37  
Old 12-25-2016, 01:17 PM
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I had one of her mother's tamales last night.

If my mom cooked like that, I'd never ever ever want to ever go to prison ever.

Just saying.
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Old 12-26-2016, 06:05 AM
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So, some updated thoughts.

First off, I'm incredibly proud of all that Dee has accomplished in her first week-plus. Especially given that she's had to figure out how to adjust her medications and her schedule to adjust to how things are out here. While she's tried to keep a schedule, admittedly, life out here is not nearly as controlled as life in there. So.....I'm just really proud of her. It hasn't been a flawlss transition...and that makes it all the more impressive.

Of course, as you might imagine, not everything is going quite according to plan as far as how she's reconnected with family and the outside world. I actually came up with general action plans for a few different scenarios, and one of them was what I call "fall back/support." What that basically means is that I don't force our relationship to be any more of a priority than she is capable of making it and the general focus of my role right now is...if she needs to vent, I let her vent. I pick up the phone when she calls. I go to her when she needs me to go to her.

People talk about "oh, when my LO gets out, we're going to do all these things!" But while I was hoping we were going to dive head-first into this great life together, I realistically knew that we were more likely going to encounter a situation that required us to dip our toes in and adjust to this "new normal" more slowly. Partly because of all the changes in Dee's life that have come about. Partly because I knew that adjusting back to being around her family, around her kids, all that, was going to take some time.

The kids...have been the most difficult. Her daughters are angry with her. Angry because she was gone so long. Angry because they think she stepped out on their dad (she didn't, but of course, he's been feeding them garbage for several years now to make himself look good......that's just who he is. I could say a lot more about him, but I'd like to try not to elevate my blood pressure this morning.) Her son, who's her youngest, has been much more accepting. The younger of her two daughters is starting to come around, but her eldest....and I've been saying for years that this was going to be the challenge....she's proving to be a tough egg to crack. And at least for the moment, there is absolutely nothing that I can do about it.

For years, one of Dee's sisters has been an incredible ally to me, and she's always said that when Dee comes home that she'd help things get smoothed over. But of course, she has her own family and her own set of in-laws and she's been out of state this entire first week and a half. Not at all blaming her for problems, of course! But where she has in the past been able to act as a mediator between Dee and her eldest, she can't right now. Another complicating factor. I have the feeling that once she's back home that she will be able to play a role and smooth out the interaction there (she has in the past,) but until that happens, in my opinion anyway, Dee and her eldest daughter are going to be at odds.

(Further, when it comes to that sister, I've backed off on communication. She knows she can reach me if she needs to, and I know I can contact her if I have a huge concern to address, but I feel like I have taken enough of her time, and I'm incredibly grateful to her for having been there these past few years to help me sort through what's what and help get Dee home. As I told Dee, she's home now, she can speak for herself. I don't need to unless she asks. As much as I want to help, I need to act in a way that empowers her to act for herself.)

A lot of people would probably scratch their heads, but right now I'm trying to put her first (well, when my kids aren't necessitating that I immediately make them a priority.....I haven't missed time with them because of her,) while encouraging her to put pretty much anything else first. I don't bug too much with phone calls and texts. I generally wait for her to make contact. The idea that I can actually return a call or text is kind of foreign to both of us, so I try not to call more than once a day. She has a difficult time sustaining phone conversation for more than 2 or 3 minutes.....which, given the last 6 months of our relationship involved phone calls around once a week, isn't surprising. If you're used to packing all of your phone conversations into 10-15 minutes, once a week, the idea of having a sustained phone conversation probably doesn't come easily. We of course do much better in person.....we always have. And when we are together...we talk, we listen to music, we have a bit of intimacy (but even there we've taken it slow, so honestly, I can't give you TMI details....because physically, there are 4th graders who's relationships are more inappropriate than ours right now.) When we kiss, it often ends up in this hard embrace. She puts her head into my chest and puts her arms around me and just holds me. That's where she is right now. I think....Dee isn't always the best at verbalizing things...which can be difficult, but we've just sort of learned how to understand each others' non-verbal communication (when the time is right I use that to ask questions and help her get out what she's trying to say, but right now, there's no words that need to be spoken so I'm not pushing it.) That said....I think that's her way of expressing that she's trying to find something solid in life right now, something solid in our relationship. I know her mind's all over the place. She talks to me about more things than she talks to anyone else about, and she'll tell me all that's on her mind...when she is ready. But right now....she's just looking for her foundation. And I guess maybe that's her way of saying.....as much as she loves her parents, as much as she wants to work on her relationship with her kids, as much a she wants this to feel normal.....that this is the one place and time where she feels like her foundation is solid. And that's why, all things considered, I am taking it slow and letting her set the pace.

If the first week has taught me anything, it's this.
-She is as strong as I believed she could be.
-She feels as weak as I knew she might.

Patience. It's not just for prison sentences anymore.

Thanks guys. Hope that this will help someone else who maybe is going through the same process I am going through right now.
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Last edited by missingdee; 12-26-2016 at 06:11 AM..
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  #39  
Old 12-31-2016, 03:24 PM
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She's slowly but surely starting to feel like the free world is "real" to her. It's odd to see the quirks she has in trying to adapt, but she gets up every day and gets done what needs to get done. Not everything is perfect but I told her I was proud of her. We share moments. Laughs. Whatever time we have.

I am so disgustingly in love with this woman. It'd probably be cute if it wasn't me. LOL! We still have a long way to go and we're taking our time but I am hopeful......
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Old 12-31-2016, 03:50 PM
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I hope you both a very happy new year together. The patient and caring way you are supporting Dee has I am sure inspired many others. Take it slow and build solid foundations always the best way forward.
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Old 01-13-2017, 05:28 PM
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Coming up on 4 weeks since release now....wow, in some ways, feels a lot longer than that (and in a way, that's good.)
-Dee enjoys soundtracks. Country music is not allowed in my car. (That's for in case Dee comes around here hoping to plead her case for country music.)
-Dee does not like social media. She likes Snapchat, but she doesn't like to send snap chats....only to take pictures with the filters and save them to her phone.
-Parole sucks. Only 2 years, 11 months, 3 days to go (unless they let her go after 2 years, but with our luck...)
-Dee likes JibJab and iMessages. She can't figure out how to play 8 ball pool.
-Dee and I are looking to get into a local support group for people with depression and bipolar disorder.
-Lots of family time. Keeping away from bad influences. Checks in with me regularly.
-Her wardrobe is building back up, but it'll take some time for her to have it the way she likes it.
-I have learned that if I buy her makeup, one of her daughters will probably lay claim to it within a week.
-She likes expensive shoes. I need to get a better-paying job. Just for shoes.
-While there are still a few things to get sorted out with the family and her medications and so forth, overall she is doing very well and I am very proud of her.
-I am still disgustingly in love.

Figured people might want a little update. Almost a full month down.
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Old 02-19-2017, 01:11 PM
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2 months she's been home.

She's done a lot of reconnecting with family. That's been good. She's in especially good moods after she's seen her sister and her nieces. She saw her grandmother for the first time in 10 years.

She battles at times with depression....I think she needs more access to a psychiatrist and some med adjustments. The time of year doesn't help. The rain doesn't help. The fact that she's dealing with freedom and sobriety and trying to figure out how to cope with each while coping with the depression minus the structure and/or access to drugs is good long-run, but not easy right now since it's the first time in probably about 10 years that she's dealt with life's struggles without a substance, and the first in 5 that she has done so without the prison structure.

We had a nice dinner on Valentine's Day.

I find myself wishing there were more I could do for her. I see her get frustrated with the adjustment at times. Re-bonding with her kids has been a challenge at times. And the sister she doesn't get along with....it's still awkward.

Still, I have faith that we will get through this a day at a time. I love her to pieces. The best days are still ahead of us...

Hope everyone else's journeys are going well.

-E
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Old 03-13-2017, 08:37 PM
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I am very happy for you! I hope it's going well.
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Old 03-13-2017, 10:47 PM
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Read your op.... made me cry. Very happy she's doing well and you two are doing well too. That you both made it through this and get to work on a life together after prison.
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Old 03-20-2017, 02:47 PM
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Originally Posted by trustingGOD001 View Post
I am very happy for you! I hope it's going well.


Thanks. We have our ups and downs but overall it's going well. The most important part is that she is in a good state of mind and mostly focused on doing the right things (and when she isn't, it's because she decides she can't handle reality and she hides out in her room watching movies....I will take that over drug use and criminal activity any day of the week.)

-E
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Old 03-20-2017, 02:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Silenus View Post
Read your op.... made me cry. Very happy she's doing well and you two are doing well too. That you both made it through this and get to work on a life together after prison.


Thank you. Continuing to have high hopes. She is doing well and gaining energy and right now that is most important. We have a formal event to attend Friday night...that might be a bit of a challenge for her but we're looking forward to it. If nothing else, it's GOOD free food LOL!
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