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  #1  
Old 05-20-2019, 12:52 PM
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Default I’m new to MWI. I would like to get some advice please.

Hi everyone,
A few months ago I met a man online. I could tell he was in prison by his pictures but at the time I thought ok we can chat, why not? I must admit I never intended on this going further than just a couple of conversations over the internet and thatís about it. I donít want to sound mean or stuck up but Iím a beautiful woman. I have a good career and have a good life for the most part. I attract a lot of men due to my looks so finding a man has never been an issue. I didnít take this man seriously at first. I thought he was attractive. We had good conversations and next thing I know we are texting and FaceTiming. At the time he was in a facility that was 6 h away from me. He asked me to visit him and I happen to have some friends in that area so I told him ok well maybe next time I go visit my friends I can stop by.
It took me over a month to return the visitation form. I wasnít even sure if I wanted to go visit him but I filled it out and mailed it.
By the time I got approved he was moving to a facility closer to me. Now the facility where heís at is 2.5 h away from me. I made an appointment to go see him but canceled it a few days before the visit. We talked and he asked me to go. Finally I said ok fine I will go. At this point me and him had been communicating for a few months. From the beginning I told him this prison thing was just not my thing. Never been in this situation. I have plenty of men I can date on the outside that hit me up on a regular so I just never thought this was an option.
I told him from day one I could offer him my friendship, talk to him, maybe visit him here and there but I was not going to send him money or take care of him. Iím a single mom and my priority are my kids and my responsibilities.
He was ok with this. Itís now been almost 6 months since we started talking and I havenít sent him any money or done anything for him in that sense.
I finally went to visit him and I have to say it was great. I felt the chemistry between me and him right away. I thought this was just going to be entertainment but I found myself thinking wow I like this guy I would really consider being his girlfriend. I told him we could be friends and he said he wanted me to be his girlfriend. So we talked a lot and I asked him who pays for his stuff because he has an iPhone, nice clothes, food, heís well taken care of. I told him I figured he had women doing things for him. He was honest and told me that yes he has several women that give him money and make sure heís straight. I told him well Iím not going to do what they do so why are you talking to me. He said because he likes me and wants me to be his girl. Some of these chicks are paying for his lawyer and giving him all kinds of money. So he was cool at first. Letting me visit him both days on the weekend. If I said one day damn I miss you I wish I could see you and it was a visitation day he would be like baby just come. Get on the road. He had visits scheduled with the other women and he canceled them to see me. I told him Iím ok with him dealing with other women if they take care of him. I just want him to be honest and not lie to me. He has shares a lot with me about these women and he didnít really need to do that. So last weekend I wanted to go see him. I told him and he said no come next weekend. So I was like excuse me what? He said the girl who pays for his lawyer wanted to visit him. I said ok well she can go next weekend. He said no sheís already mad because he lets me visit two days in a row and he never lets any women visit him two days in a row. He said he has to protect his interests and make sure she keeps paying for his lawyer. He said if she stops paying will you pay for it? I said no. So I was mad and we talked and he said you know what you are such a brat but if you really canít wait until next weekend I will cancel her visit. I told him it was ok I would wait.
He told me he needs to know Iím down for him and that I have his back and he doesnít feel like I do. Iím down for him but before I do anything for him I need to know what we have is real. I donít want to be another one of his many women that he takes advantage of. He tells me he obviously likes me because Iím the only woman he deals with that wonít do anything for him yet he always chooses me over the other women. Iím also a headache I must admit. Iím bossy, demanding and I have an attitude so I know sometimes I stress him out. But even though heís crazy and the type of man who would not let a woman get away with these things he lets me do whatever. He puts up with it. He tells me heís mad but then when he sees me heís loving and sweet. Even though I know sometimes I get on his last nerve.
Last weekend I went to buy him a postcard and sent him a letter telling him how I feel about him. He doesnít know I didnít tell him. I want to show him Iím down for him but I donít want to give him money. His birthday is coming up and I want to put $100 on his books as a birthday gift. But because I want to not because he asked for it. My concern with this whole thing is how do I know if heís really down for me or if heís just playing me like he does with the other women. If any of you have been in this situation how can you tell? What should I do to find out what his motives are?
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Old 05-20-2019, 01:17 PM
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Too many red flags. One is the cell .. it is not allowed. Two he is using other women who believe they probably have a future with him.

I dont see him living a good, honest life when this is over with what he is doing now. I couldnt do it.
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Old 05-20-2019, 01:31 PM
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I agree with the red flags. I think at some point he is just going to start asking you for money and stuff. Maybe it started the same way with the other girls as well. I would stay away but ofc it's your heart and your choice to make. Be careful that he is not using you
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Old 05-20-2019, 01:41 PM
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I'm going to be blunt, and slightly out of character, all things considered... You could very well be getting played.

If you are intent on continuing on with this guy, you should do your due diligence and investigate his charges, history, etc. When I was in, there were guys that did this full time, juggling multiple women, like they were in love with each. They will play the long game too, and once hooked, they'll be hitting you up for $$. I'm not going to cast everyone into this category - I met a lot of really solid and faithful guys when I was inside, but there are guys that prey on women. They have all the time in the world to do it. Check the "When the Relationship is over" forum to see what I'm talking about.

Unless rules have radically changed, you can't facetime or freely communicate with inmates. It's a safety concern, without a doubt = organizing gang activity, deals, hits, and so on.

Again, they have all the time in the world to shine love and attention on you when they are in. The heart breaking part is when they get out and discard you without a second thought. And.. AGAIN... This is NOT all inmates. But, this guy already is having women pay for his 'attorney', etc. Why? IF he has an iPhone, that had to cost a pretty penny on the inside.. How did he afford that? AND that is a new felony charge, all by itself in most states...

David

P.S. Welcome to PTO.. Please don't take my above comments as a not welcome message. If you continue to pursue a relationship or friendship with this guy, or have ANY prison related questions, you are MORE THAN WELCOME here.. I'm NOT trying to chase you off or ruin your hopes... I've just seen a lot over the years here, and when I was on the inside, and want to share my views - right or wrong.

Regardless, I'll hope for the best for you!
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Old 05-20-2019, 01:52 PM
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Thank you for your honest opinion. I just donít trust him. I mean he has shared a lot about his past, his case, etc and I know heís just not good for me. I donít need the drama that will probably come with dealing with him. At the same time, I do like him. I donít mind sticking around a bit longer to see where things go but I just donít want to give him money. I think if heís into me like he says he is then he should be ok with me not doing anything for him. At the end of the day he has these other women doing all these things for him so that should be enough. I tell him face to face when I go visit him that iím just not going to give him anything. If I had met him before he went in then maybe but I know itís survival mode once you are in there so I understand some people do what they gotta do. I guess his true motives will come out soon.

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I'm going to be blunt, and slightly out of character, all things considered... You could very well be getting played.

If you are intent on continuing on with this guy, you should do your due diligence and investigate his charges, history, etc. When I was in, there were guys that did this full time, juggling multiple women, like they were in love with each. They will play the long game too, and once hooked, they'll be hitting you up for $$. I'm not going to cast everyone into this category - I met a lot of really solid and faithful guys when I was inside, but there are guys that prey on women. They have all the time in the world to do it. Check the "When the Relationship is over" forum to see what I'm talking about.

Unless rules have radically changed, you can't facetime or freely communicate with inmates. It's a safety concern, without a doubt = organizing gang activity, deals, hits, and so on.

Again, they have all the time in the world to shine love and attention on you when they are in. The heart breaking part is when they get out and discard you without a second thought. And.. AGAIN... This is NOT all inmates. But, this guy already is having women pay for his 'attorney', etc. Why? IF he has an iPhone, that had to cost a pretty penny on the inside.. How did he afford that? AND that is a new felony charge, all by itself in most states...

David

P.S. Welcome to PTO.. Please don't take my above comments as a not welcome message. If you continue to pursue a relationship or friendship with this guy, or have ANY prison related questions, you are MORE THAN WELCOME here.. I'm NOT trying to chase you off or ruin your hopes... I've just seen a lot over the years here, and when I was on the inside, and want to share my views - right or wrong.

Regardless, I'll hope for the best for you!
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Old 05-20-2019, 02:00 PM
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To be honest you sound like a nice lady. However , why are you ok with this guy using other women for money. Thats a bit mean right,would be ok if he was doing that to you? He is clearly lying to these women and it sounds like he is grooming you to be one of his many women who fund his lifestyle. He wants you to feel different and special but if you upset his woman who is paying his lawyer will you take over?

Also he clearly has no respect for prison rules as he has an iphone and I dont believe any prison allows those.

I would really think what you are doing in this hot mess. Dont you deserve a man who is yours and only yours?
Stop making excuses for him walk away and use your self respect and self esteem to get better than he can offer you.

You do deserve a lot better
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Old 05-20-2019, 03:07 PM
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Iím not okay with him using other women. I mean these women know he talks to multiple women. They know about me and they donít care. Me and him started off with a friendship and it developed into more. Possibly because we are both very attracted to each other physically and we also get along great when we are face to face. We are both crazy and I can be myself around him. No matter what comes out of my mouth he just laughs. He doesnít get mad. I tell him heís messed up in the head and that heís a dog and he just says I know baby. We are cool even when we argue. I go crazy on him and he will just try to calm me down and make me smile. I mean he has kept it real from day one so I canít say oh he lied. He tells me when he goes on visits with other women etc.
He never asks for anything from me. Sometimes I think he does truly like me but then I think ok heís playing all these other women so why am I different. It doesnít make much sense. I know I need to leave him alone. I do care about him and even if we are not an item I will probably still check on him from time to time.
Iím just a mess emotionally because I think Iím in love with him and something tells me this is a terrible idea. But this is my first time in this situation so Iím totally clueless.

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To be honest you sound like a nice lady. However , why are you ok with this guy using other women for money. Thats a bit mean right,would be ok if he was doing that to you? He is clearly lying to these women and it sounds like he is grooming you to be one of his many women who fund his lifestyle. He wants you to feel different and special but if you upset his woman who is paying his lawyer will you take over?

Also he clearly has no respect for prison rules as he has an iphone and I dont believe any prison allows those.

I would really think what you are doing in this hot mess. Dont you deserve a man who is yours and only yours?
Stop making excuses for him walk away and use your self respect and self esteem to get better than he can offer you.

You do deserve a lot better
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Old 05-20-2019, 03:33 PM
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“I guess his true motives will come out soon.”

His true motives have already come out; you’ve chosen to be OK with them.
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Old 05-20-2019, 03:35 PM
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Originally Posted by Spdivasc View Post
Iím not okay with him using other women. I mean these women know he talks to multiple women. They know about me and they donít care. Me and him started off with a friendship and it developed into more. Possibly because we are both very attracted to each other physically and we also get along great when we are face to face. We are both crazy and I can be myself around him. No matter what comes out of my mouth he just laughs. He doesnít get mad. I tell him heís messed up in the head and that heís a dog and he just says I know baby. We are cool even when we argue. I go crazy on him and he will just try to calm me down and make me smile. I mean he has kept it real from day one so I canít say oh he lied. He tells me when he goes on visits with other women etc.
He never asks for anything from me. Sometimes I think he does truly like me but then I think ok heís playing all these other women so why am I different. It doesnít make much sense. I know I need to leave him alone. I do care about him and even if we are not an item I will probably still check on him from time to time.
Iím just a mess emotionally because I think Iím in love with him and something tells me this is a terrible idea. But this is my first time in this situation so Iím totally clueless.
Unless you're in direct contact with these women, you dont know what they know.
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Old 05-20-2019, 03:37 PM
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“Unless you're in direct contact with these women, you dont know what they know.”

Exactly!
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Old 05-20-2019, 03:42 PM
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Yes, you are right and that’s why I don’t trust him. So I’m still not 100% sure I want to continue with this. I tried to ignore him for a bit but we always end up talking again. I guess in some way I’m hoping he does something to piss me off so I can walk away. Because once I catch him in a lie it’s over.
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Unless you're in direct contact with these women, you dont know what they know.
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Old 05-20-2019, 03:49 PM
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A wife or long term girlfriend is paying lawyer fees. Not some girl he is casually talking too.
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Old 05-20-2019, 03:56 PM
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Youíre probably right. I will get to the bottom of this. Iím going to see him this weekend
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A wife or long term girlfriend is paying lawyer fees. Not some girl he is casually talking too.
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Old 05-20-2019, 05:31 PM
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If you continue with him, stay strong on not sending money no matter the reason.
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Old 05-20-2019, 06:10 PM
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Yea I told him Iím not sending him anything and I mean it

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If you continue with him, stay strong on not sending money no matter the reason.
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Old 05-20-2019, 06:11 PM
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I'm going to be blunt and honest with you!

I've never been in a situation like this before...because I'll never allow myself to be in a situation like this! All these red flags and warnings... any contact with this man would of been completely over for me. My worth isn't worth giving to a man that has the nerve to tell me he's using other women for different things to satisfy his wants/needs....then turn around and ask me to be one of his many girl friends? No, way that's going to even happen.

You just answered your own question: When you said "what should I do to find out what his motives are?" you already aware of what this man motives truly are..given that your receiving all these red flags and warnings about this man. He told you what his motives were when he mention to you how he's using these women. You aware of what all these women are doing for him. He has to keep the dice rolling on all these games he's playing. Even if this man loses...he knows he can pick up another woman to play his games on. To get what he needs from them. Because he already know how to get the woman to do things for him..even if he ask or don't ask.

It's a reason for all the red flags and warnings! All these signs should really have you backing up and running the other way. This man is telling you (bragging) about these other women and how he's using them! And what he's particularly getting from these women... So what make you think your any different? from these other women he's using?! He told these women the same exact things he's telling you and you wouldn't even notice. Because he isn't going to be that honest with you and let you know that's what he's doing. It's a game and if he can use all of them women, he can use you as well. He's grooming you slowly and when he see's he can tell you everything you want to hear. You'll fall for it and be just like the rest of them women. It's a cycle of games he playing on them and he's slowly playing it on you.

If you already see this isn't a good idea already! Your mind is telling you RIGHT! It's not and you shouldn't get yourself too deep involved with this guy at all. Save yourself the heartache and regrets you'll eventually have later. You'll be just another woman to him, that he could tell lies and play on your vulnerability. A man will tell you what you want to hear, just to see where your head is and when he see's he's able to trap you with words. He's going to play on them words and draw you in without you even noticing he's playing games with your mind. You don't have to send him money...for him to play you in a different way. He could use you in other ways without asking you to send him anything. You already want to send him a $100 for his birthday...because you want to send it to him and not because he's asking. You already setting yourself up to do just what all the rest of these women has been doing. And before you know it you'll be sending him money/etc. That's how he got them and I'm sure this how he'll get you. He likes you just like he likes all the rest of those women he's playing!!! Your NEW to this and being NEW/clueless isn't a good thing! Your leaving yourself open to where this man can already see your vulnerable. He already see's how he going to play on those heart strings of yours.

You can do better and you deserve even better. You don't need a man that has all this baggage going on. This man is playing so many games and enjoying it at the same time with each one of these women (including you). He tells you what you want and your falling so hard for it. Your already saying you think you in love! You already want to share your feelings with him...you only been talking for 6 months and you already think you in love and want to share how you feel about him? You moving way too fast and you about to get yourself really, really, really HURT! He already got you! And it doesn't seem like you even notice it at all right now. I'm sure all the other women thought the same thing and felt the same way.. the same thing thinking their in love and sharing their feelings with him. It probably didn't take them long to fall for him and start to think their in love. This man telling all these women what they want to really hear and he isn't going to be that truthful with you. And tell you what he's telling these women and what these women are telling him. He surely not telling these women what he's telling you and what you telling him.

How can you be oh ok with this guy using these women?!!! If he doesn't give these women what they need he knows he's about to lose one of his golden tickets. He's bold enough to ask you if you going to pay for his lawyer! If this woman stop paying for his lawyer...if that doesn't throw the biggest RED FLAG at you right now. To show you that you need to move on with your life and not get yourself involved in this. Your not going into this blindfolded...your eyes are open wide enough going into this...you are aware of A LOT OF THINGS HERE! Why will you want to put yourself through a bunch of regrets? That could be prevented all together?! You are NOT his only girl friend...you are one of his many other girlfriends! All them women his girl friends! And one of them could be his wife!! All them women isn't going to be this man atm for friendship! It's way more to it that he's not going to be that truthful to you to tell you.
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Old 05-20-2019, 06:19 PM
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Me too what Key said Xs 10.
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Old 05-20-2019, 06:48 PM
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Welcome to PTO! Hopefully you'll find the answers you seek. It is your choice to continue contact with him knowing he's breaking more rules while serving time. Also knowing he's juggling multiple women as bank atms while searching for more online.
It's my opinion that he's grooming you, maybe not for money but possibly to bring in contraband. You told him you wouldn't send money yet you want to give $100 for his birthday. If he already got these multiple women sending money, why do you want to join in?!?
I suggest you focus on your children and find someone else that deserves your friendship/relationship.
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Old 05-20-2019, 07:02 PM
Terese Terese is offline
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Sounds like an mutually superficial/narcissistic relationship on both sides; a game really.
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Old 05-20-2019, 07:11 PM
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He is a player. Players keep their playthings around by telling every last one that she is special and different. It's a pimp's game, too. What makes you believe that you're different from the other special ladies in his life?
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Old 05-20-2019, 11:10 PM
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I'm going to be blunt as well..... WTF?
If you are so beautiful and wonderful and can have pretty much every guy on the planet why are you putting up with this con-artist? I would not waste one more minute on him. He's a big-time player and a down and out asshole.
He's doing the same with you with all the others, he's got one girl for each need he needs to have fulfilled... good grief... run girl, run and never look back.
And more more thing: he's got a phone and you did FaceTime? You know that this is considered contraband in prison and he's doing something major illegal... NO INMATE has access to the Internet... First red flag I noticed...
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Old 05-21-2019, 12:58 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MizzyMuffling View Post
I'm going to be blunt as well..... WTF?
If you are so beautiful and wonderful and can have pretty much every guy on the planet why are you putting up with this con-artist? I would not waste one more minute on him. He's a big-time player and a down and out asshole.
He's doing the same with you with all the others, he's got one girl for each need he needs to have fulfilled... good grief... run girl, run and never look back.
And more more thing: he's got a phone and you did FaceTime? You know that this is considered contraband in prison and he's doing something major illegal... NO INMATE has access to the Internet... First red flag I noticed...
Well put. Although, I have been left wondering who the primary player/predator is in this situation.
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Old 05-21-2019, 10:09 AM
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Hey, welcome to Prison Talk Just FYI I moved this thread to our Met While Incarcerated forum (= for couples who met while the other person was incarcerated already).

I can't really add much to what has been said already. In my humble opinion a person who so blatantly uses (multiple) people cannot have a good character. My advice would be to leave him with his harem...who needs this kind of drama and distrust in their life!
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Old 05-21-2019, 04:02 PM
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You know, I agree with what everyone on here has been telling you, he's grooming you, getting you ready to do what he wants you to do. He not only is a player he's a predator in my eyes. You just don't see it yet until you've been lost in his world. Get back on track with your kids if they are your priority, why mess with someone who has nothing to offer you when there plenty of other men out in the free world? I'm sorry but in my opinion you secretly what to know what this is about. He's a convict it's thrilling and you think he will always have your back....hmmmmm only until he has no use for you or happens to get out and either dump you or you let him come live with you. Then you put your family and yourself at risk for who knows what. Yes, there are some good men behind bars who have good intentions but this one doesn't. Yet, it doesn't matter what we tell you and try to help you see the real story, you'll do your thing, tell him you came on this site and everyone was telling you he was using you or will be soon. He'll say don't listen to them...... They don't know me or my intentions! Girl unless you leave this fool alone your going to go on a journey in life that is bound to cause you great grief. Listen to your gut cause all women have that gut instinct that tells us, this isn't right. As to the bragging he's been telling you about those other women OMG that is so sick but those women haven't a clue yet or if they do well I guess they too will see in the end game what it was all about. I know this isn't what you wish to hear but we all can't be wrong, can we?
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Old 05-21-2019, 05:51 PM
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You seem to feel like you’re different than all of the rest of the women, but guess who’s already considering giving him money? You are. People don’t have to demand things in order to get them. The best women to have around offer. Thats how come work. The victim doesn’t know they’re being conned. And this guy won’t lose an ounce of sleep when your heart is shattered into a million pieces because you know about the other women...he didn’t ask you to start sending money. You said you were just friends. He’ll feel like he did nothing wrong and you will feel used when he’s straight up shown you what kind of man he is.

You’re laying down boundaries, but the truth is, you don’t really seem to want to stick to them. And a con artist will see that from a mile away. You say you just want to be friends, but there’s clearly more going on here. You tell him you won’t send money, but you’re already thinking about it. And its only been a few months.. You’re being groomed and it’s working...quickly.

The only advice I can give you is to walk away. Now. Or you’ll hurt later.
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