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Met While Incarcerated Were you introduced by a friend or family member after he/she was incarcerated? Did you meet as Pen Pals? This Forum is for you!

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  #1  
Old 09-04-2016, 10:50 PM
Kdwl Kdwl is offline
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Default Confused and have no one to talk to about possible MWI relationship

I have no idea what I'm doing! I date a lot and I hate everyone lol. So my friend talked me into joining a dating site thinking id meet someone who catches my eye. I was there some months and still no and I logged back in to delete my profile and got a message and omg this man's smile melted me so I gave him my number. I soon found out he's in prison and has just a little over a year left. We've been writing and talking daily. I am considering going to visit him. It's only been a little over a month and I know that's crazy fast to like someone. I'm usually the slowest mover about feelings and relationships etc. But I am so into him, I'm always on guard tho waiting for my red lights. It's only been a month so I don't know him well at all. I've told him I cannot financially assist him so not too even ask and he didn't change his personality with me. He tells me his plans for when he's released and all I can think about is how i want to be a part of them and watch him succeed. I'm usually a very shy quiet and I'm so so relaxed when we talk. I'm not sure how to take what I'm going thru. I've told one of my friends i have a pen pal and she immediately told me I was stupid and could do so much better so I'm afraid to talk to anyone else.
I'm not being dumb I'm not saying I love him or I'm waiting for him but we do have a year to get to know each other well and see what happens. I've been single 3 years and usually meet business men as I'm in a professional career but my ex is in and out of prison so I'm not naive about the games they can play. Maybe i just like bad boys.
So any advice from experience would be appreciated. Thanks
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Old 09-05-2016, 02:57 AM
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I met my man on a prison penpal site. I had loads of so called friends say to me " you're crazy" etc etc and I even lost a couple of friends because I refused to end my r'ship. He has never asked me for anything except my love. True friends would be happy that you're happy so enjoy you're r'ship and just take it slow. You never know this could be the love of your life and remember even bad boys can become good boys.
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Old 09-05-2016, 03:04 AM
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To be real, it is somewhat crazy but I met my man on the pen-pal site as well with absolutely no intentions of starting anything but maybe a friendship. At the time my father was dying and I just wanted to distract myself and maybe have someone else to talk to.
Fast forward almost 2 years and I've gotten so close to my man that it's unreal but I'm keeping it real for my own sake and not having any form of romantic relationship with him even though there's deep deep affection and love between us. If he ever gets out we'll see what's going to happen. In the meantime we're enjoying immensly what we have and found.
So yes, I've gotten weird looks but people who know me understand where I'm coming from. I'm not out here waiting for him, I'm here supporting him every day and trying to make his days/life brighter. Who doesn't understand can get lost
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Old 09-05-2016, 03:24 AM
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Welcome to Prison Talk

I would say just take your time with him - you have a year before his release, so that's good time to spend getting to know each other and see how things go. No need to make any decisions at this point, just go with the flow and follow your instincts.
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Old 09-05-2016, 06:47 AM
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Originally Posted by D_k_w View Post
I have no idea what I'm doing! I date a lot and I hate everyone lol. So my friend talked me into joining a dating site thinking id meet someone who catches my eye. I was there some months and still no and I logged back in to delete my profile and got a message and omg this man's smile melted me so I gave him my number. I soon found out he's in prison and has just a little over a year left. We've been writing and talking daily. I am considering going to visit him. It's only been a little over a month and I know that's crazy fast to like someone. I'm usually the slowest mover about feelings and relationships etc. But I am so into him, I'm always on guard tho waiting for my red lights. It's only been a month so I don't know him well at all. I've told him I cannot financially assist him so not too even ask and he didn't change his personality with me. He tells me his plans for when he's released and all I can think about is how i want to be a part of them and watch him succeed. I'm usually a very shy quiet and I'm so so relaxed when we talk. I'm not sure how to take what I'm going thru. I've told one of my friends i have a pen pal and she immediately told me I was stupid and could do so much better so I'm afraid to talk to anyone else.
I'm not being dumb I'm not saying I love him or I'm waiting for him but we do have a year to get to know each other well and see what happens. I've been single 3 years and usually meet business men as I'm in a professional career but my ex is in and out of prison so I'm not naive about the games they can play. Maybe i just like bad boys.
So any advice from experience would be appreciated. Thanks
One day at a time. Enjoy getting to know him over the next year. I suggest not having any expectations of him upon release, because they have a transitioning phase. Be a good friend and if things are meant to be on a deeper level, they will be.
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Old 09-05-2016, 06:54 AM
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If you have a year take it slow. There is no need to rush anything. Who cares what anyone else thinks it's your life. You just need to be cautious about everything. Best of luck.
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Old 09-05-2016, 07:04 AM
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Hi and welcome to PTO you will find many others here in MWI relationships. Was this guy on a pen pal website or a dating website if the later how was he accessing it. If he has an illegal cell phone that could be a red flag and land him extra time. If he makes you happy then enjoy it and you have a year to get to know him. Just keep your eye out for red flags like money and favour requests. If he is on the net he may be involved with others so take it slow and get to know him before he is released.
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Old 09-05-2016, 07:34 AM
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My best friend was on the dating site P.O.F. And ended up meeting a man at Folsom Prison. He sent her a few messages and the texted and he said he lived in Folsom lol not at the prison though. He charmed her first into liking him and then he came clean. She paid for phone calls with him still because he didn't have the phone all day and she went to see him and put money on his books. She found out later he was getting this attention and treatment from multiple women. So yes be very careful!
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Old 09-05-2016, 09:37 AM
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I would never give him any type of financial support. Of course I'm sure he has other women we are still new and not officially together So that really doesn't bother me at this time. Usually our conversation is light silly and full of laughing he hasn't really tried to charm me as some would think. It's more like a natural friendship.
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Old 09-05-2016, 11:40 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by maytayah View Post
Hi and welcome to PTO you will find many others here in MWI relationships. Was this guy on a pen pal website or a dating website if the later how was he accessing it. If he has an illegal cell phone that could be a red flag and land him extra time. If he makes you happy then enjoy it and you have a year to get to know him. Just keep your eye out for red flags like money and favour requests. If he is on the net he may be involved with others so take it slow and get to know him before he is released.
This is something I don't think is stressed enough to folks new to the system and I wouldn't have listened four years ago, either. A cell phone seems like a small thing and in some regard it is. But on the whole, if you're just getting to know someone I do think it would be at the top of my list for taking a pass on someone. It's never just having a cell phone. Remember, those phones have to be paid for.
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Old 09-05-2016, 12:11 PM
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This is something I don't think is stressed enough to folks new to the system and I wouldn't have listened four years ago, either. A cell phone seems like a small thing and in some regard it is. But on the whole, if you're just getting to know someone I do think it would be at the top of my list for taking a pass on someone. It's never just having a cell phone. Remember, those phones have to be paid for.
He doesn't have a cell phone, his friend let's him use his before dinner. And he doesn't use it every day but almost...like now I haven't got a call in 2 days I'll probably get one today or tomorrow. So you would pass on someone if they have their own phone? Why is that?
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Old 09-05-2016, 12:17 PM
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He doesn't have a cell phone, his friend let's him use his before dinner. And he doesn't use it every day but almost...like now I haven't got a call in 2 days I'll probably get one today or tomorrow. So you would pass on someone if they have their own phone? Why is that?
He does have a phone, it's called renting it even if the actual phone belongs to someone else. Cell phone time is never free and is being paid by someone so he's either kicking in for it or on the hook for a favor.

I would pass because I know more now than I did at your stage of the game. I would pass because I know that I need a man who can color inside the lines both in prison and out. I would pass because I've watched too many folks here ignore small stuff that then tripped the person up on the outside and they end up violating parole and then they're back in prison. I do not want to do another bid. I do not want police in my house, investigators calling me in, I don't need that kind of attention. If I accept, or worse encourage, the behaviour now, I have zero grounds to be mad when they keep breaking the rules on the streets.

And I'm MWI, so I am sympathetic to the rush of feelings. I get that part. But that rush fades, hun, and when it fades it fades hard.
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Old 09-05-2016, 12:31 PM
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He does have a phone, it's called renting it even if the actual phone belongs to someone else. Cell phone time is never free and is being paid by someone so he's either kicking in for it or on the hook for a favor.

I would pass because I know more now than I did at your stage of the game. I would pass because I know that I need a man who can color inside the lines both in prison and out. I would pass because I've watched too many folks here ignore small stuff that then tripped the person up on the outside and they end up violating parole and then they're back in prison. I do not want to do another bid. I do not want police in my house, investigators calling me in, I don't need that kind of attention. If I accept, or worse encourage, the behaviour now, I have zero grounds to be mad when they keep breaking the rules on the streets.

And I'm MWI, so I am sympathetic to the rush of feelings. I get that part. But that rush fades, hun, and when it fades it fades hard.
Ok i see what you mean... I expect it will fade of course. Which is why I'm not committing myself to him or to waiting for him. If i am still single and were still doing well when he's released I will be ready to spend time with him and see how he is out here. I know there's a big chance he's not who he portrays himself. Theres will be no chance of police coming to my house he is not paroling to my address. I went through that with my ex and I refuse to let anyone parol to my address ever again. My ex and I have children together and they remember when he violated and I can't let them experience that again. He has 2 years parol when he's out I figure we'd have to survive that in different homes if we can't then we aren't meant to be anyway. I appreciate your feedback about the phone I didn't think of it like that the phone is one of the things I've never dealt with.
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Old 09-05-2016, 06:13 PM
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I've been with my MWI for 8 years. He always told me to "follow my heart". So just don't try to talk yourself in to something. My guy has always been up front. I've never found him in a lie.
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Old 09-05-2016, 11:14 PM
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Some added commentary on the cell phone issue:

I think one of the most difficult things about relations/correspondence with someone long distance that you've never met before, is you cannot see them in their environment. There's a lot you can tell from that in their natural candor and interactions. That's why I've always been apprehensive about online relationships. When you're talking about someone in prison, it's at an even deeper level of disadvantage. At least with online people you can see their social media, friends, activities, etc. IN prison they're quarantined from being readily available.

Even someone that is able to regularly see them in the visiting room is still only getting a slice. Because 95% of them in their natural environment cannot be seen.

So this leaves one to piece together the things they do know to establish where the person is set at. And HERE'S why the cell phone means something....

Lots of things in prison are "against" the rules. Everyone knows that inmates have to work with them and around them. But cell phones are a big deal. Prisons don't like it at all and set high penalties against them. Many places will throw you in the hole, do an investigation, and you can get added time, etc. Do you know what I mean?

When someone is blatantly and regularly using a cell phone it is likely they are involved in "prison game" as their natural setting. I think that's what miamac is trying to convey to you when she says that's the type of guy who will get out (with "prison game" attitude) and resort to criminal activity or still have that selfish behavior and have no regard for rules, penalties, etc. It's a kind of mindset. It's far different than the more matured inmate, who stays away from prison game and uses his time for reading, studying, vocational skills, enforcing and preserving bonds with loved ones (cell phone punishments often include losing privileges/access to loved ones), and things like that. Do you see the difference?

As far as your giddy feelings, I think everyone in a MWI relationship has felt it and can progress to strong bonds. But sometimes it's an illusion. So that's why it's good to pay attention. But with all that naysaying, I still support you enjoying yourself and this IS a place to come for advice and insight, to relate to your joys and also help you if you stumble. Take care
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Old 09-05-2016, 11:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TawnyStar View Post
Some added commentary on the cell phone issue:

I think one of the most difficult things about relations/correspondence with someone long distance that you've never met before, is you cannot see them in their environment. There's a lot you can tell from that in their natural candor and interactions. That's why I've always been apprehensive about online relationships. When you're talking about someone in prison, it's at an even deeper level of disadvantage. At least with online people you can see their social media, friends, activities, etc. IN prison they're quarantined from being readily available.

Even someone that is able to regularly see them in the visiting room is still only getting a slice. Because 95% of them in their natural environment cannot be seen.

So this leaves one to piece together the things they do know to establish where the person is set at. And HERE'S why the cell phone means something....

Lots of things in prison are "against" the rules. Everyone knows that inmates have to work with them and around them. But cell phones are a big deal. Prisons don't like it at all and set high penalties against them. Many places will throw you in the hole, do an investigation, and you can get added time, etc. Do you know what I mean?

When someone is blatantly and regularly using a cell phone it is likely they are involved in "prison game" as their natural setting. I think that's what miamac is trying to convey to you when she says that's the type of guy who will get out (with "prison game" attitude) and resort to criminal activity or still have that selfish behavior and have no regard for rules, penalties, etc. It's a kind of mindset. It's far different than the more matured inmate, who stays away from prison game and uses his time for reading, studying, vocational skills, enforcing and preserving bonds with loved ones (cell phone punishments often include losing privileges/access to loved ones), and things like that. Do you see the difference?

As far as your giddy feelings, I think everyone in a MWI relationship has felt it and can progress to strong bonds. But sometimes it's an illusion. So that's why it's good to pay attention. But with all that naysaying, I still support you enjoying yourself and this IS a place to come for advice and insight, to relate to your joys and also help you if you stumble. Take care
I need the naysayers to keep me grounded and see a side I dont know so I truly appreciate all the advice and input....

My experience has been very different from what you've explained. Not with my current friend but my ex. He followed all prison rules every time. He learned how to weld and took all sorts of classes etc. He's been in prison more than anyone i know. He can't stay out more than 6 months. He always forgets his plans to get it together when he touches the streets.

I guess it just depends on the person and I'll have to find that out with time. Definitely no rush
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Old 09-05-2016, 11:57 PM
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Well just because someone behaves in prison doesn't guarantee them success on the outside!! There are many inmates who find it hard to break the prison cycle, hence recidivism rates. Lots of variables & reasons - but I don't wanna highjack your thread!

As far as your new friend goes, I think you're playing it smart to give it time so you can learn and enjoy the process. Good move
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