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Husbands & Boyfriends in Prison For everyone who has a husband, boyfriend or male partner incarcerated.

View Poll Results: Have you ever felt hesitant or ashamed to tell people about your man?
Yes, ashamed 39 13.78%
Yes, hesitant 164 57.95%
No 88 31.10%
Other negative feelings 12 4.24%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 283. You may not vote on this poll

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  #76  
Old 01-19-2015, 11:30 AM
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I've always been very limited with the info I give people. For the simple fact I don't feel what I'm doing is anyone's business. A lot of individuals wonder who he is because they don't see any pictures and they don't see him at family gatherings. Yet... no explanation needed. At this stage they should know I haven't created a fictitious person but if they feel I have well I don't give two hoots. I love him and at the end of the day I'm only concerned about how him and I feel.
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Old 02-04-2015, 03:13 AM
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I think that a lady on one of the reality shows (Prison Wives Club) summed it up best for me: I'm not ashamed of him, but being in prison is nothing to be proud of. On top of that, my inmate has let me down multiple times, being re-incarcerated. I try to keep the information that I share with others on as minimal a basis as possible.
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  #78  
Old 02-07-2015, 06:12 PM
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I feel that some people just do not need to know, such as co-workers. Some people can be very judgmental without knowing any of the facts. I am proud of my hubby, though, because I see him as a hero. If he didn't warn the home invaders away, we may be dead now. But some of those people don't believe truth or hear it without biased ears. I lie at work a bit....a coworker asked me what I was doing for Valentine's Day for hubby. I told him I got him some cards (it's his bday too), a cool book, and we are having a picnic. It's true, technically. I did send him those things and we will be eating outside at visitation at a picnic table. I also don't like a lot of people to know because I don't want everyone knowing I am living alone.
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  #79  
Old 06-30-2015, 02:06 AM
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It really doesn't bother me telling people. I'm proud of my man as he has completely turned his life around while he's been in. If people don't like it that's their problem not mine
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Old 06-30-2015, 03:09 AM
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I answered "hesitant" because I do want to wait and see if we can prevail once he's out of prison. So far everything's good or even great but only a few close friends know plus my family. I'm not ashamed of him, the opposite as a matter of fact, he's been doing the best he can and hopefully he'll be out next year at this time. We are MWIs so this is something I want to sit out and see how we do on the outside...
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  #81  
Old 07-06-2015, 09:44 AM
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I am so very proud of my man and our relationship when I go visit him I tell anyone within earshot " I'm going to luisiana to see my man!" People are like " what's he doing in luisiana?" I say "life" and the looks they have are really quite funny...lol... And I laugh...lol... But my excitement and joy is usually contagious...lol...
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  #82  
Old 10-02-2015, 11:31 PM
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I am hesitant to talk about our relationship with anyone around here because the few times I've mentioned it, I've gotten nothing but crap from people that just don't get it. So, I keep it private. It's really no one's business but ours anyway.
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  #83  
Old 10-04-2015, 12:25 PM
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I'm definitely hesitant, but NOT ashamed in any way, shape or form. I don't want to put myself in a situation where numerous questions are asked. I don't feel it's anyone's business but Z's and my own. I do want to say that some of the negative reactions I've gotten, have turned me on to being a bit more hesitant about disclosing a bunch of information. It's also just my nature to be selective about who I talk to, and what I decide I can tell them without too much worry.
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  #84  
Old 10-20-2015, 01:24 PM
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Nope, not hesitant or ashamed. It is what it is; and he is where he is. I look at it as a situation of mind over matter. Those that mind, don't matter; and those that matter, don't mind. It's my life; and those that love me will accept my choice and continue to love me/us as is.
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  #85  
Old 10-24-2015, 11:17 AM
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HELL NO, I love my man and I don't care what others think. We are happy,love eachother full heartedly and have 7 kids and other people's opinions don't matter to me. I'm not ashamed at all
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  #86  
Old 10-24-2015, 07:23 PM
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I am hesitant to tell people he is in prison. Mainly because of my ex husband. We are still going through a divorce and I don't want him to have any reason to try and keep my daughter from me.
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  #87  
Old 11-03-2015, 10:29 PM
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Ashamed? No. Hesitant? Isn't the word I'd use. People are curious about him and are aware of his current address. However, I don't disclose details unless I'm asked. Which I find it's a 50/50 on the reactions when I tell details. Our relationship is just that, ours. I'm not really big on spilling my personal stuff all that much. It's a matter of protecting myself and him. People get all weird when they don't understand something. And my relationship isn't easy to understand for many of the people around me.
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  #88  
Old 11-22-2015, 07:50 AM
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Default Agreed with JivR

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Originally Posted by JivR View Post
I don't see us as being different. I don't put him in a category because he is not what he has done. He isn't a criminal, inmate, felon, or offender, he is Ry! Having an education doesn't make me better or different than someone that doesn't because I can find myself in their same situation, not only that but my education isn't who I am. I have never been ashamed of him whatsoever but ashamed to tell people about our relationship because of our prior history and because he is in prison. People associate prison with bad people and that isn't always the case.
My thoughts summed up well! Few close family members of mine, and maybe a handful of close friends know the truth. Everyone else, gets a polite smile and a punctuated response when they ask me about my love. I choose and have chosen to leave it that way. Not because I am ashamed, but I know the stigma people who have been in prison/jail face daily. As if they are "less than" others. It sickens me, so information I divulge is on a need to know basis only.
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  #89  
Old 11-22-2015, 08:20 PM
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I've been friends for a little over a year and people in my life know about him. They don't know about the feelings or the phone calls or letters. I don't yet know what this is or ever could be with him on LWOP. So I keep that just for us for now.
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  #90  
Old 11-22-2015, 09:48 PM
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I just popped it to the only person whose opinion matters to me (besides my child), and it took awhile, but eventually I got him to stop mentioning low self-esteem. He has watched me eff-up plenty, but never does any finger-wagging afterward. He lets me cry on him and try again. He cautions, he warns, but he does not control. I will get my heart broken for certain, but I think that's what it's there for. In the meantime I do not feel invisible.

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  #91  
Old 11-26-2015, 03:00 PM
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My husband has many very fine qualities. We have spent so much time laughing together, learning together, loving life and each other. That being said, he has a defiant side and a certain inability to see the effects of his actions. These characteristics led to him making some stupid choices and heading down a bad path.

I am not ashamed or embarrassed because I am not the one who made those bad choices. I think shame is something we might feel over our own mistakes, but we needn't feel it over someone else's. What I do feel, very deeply, is DISAPPOINTMENT. My husband is fundamentally a good and intelligent person with all the tools needed for a good life, but he really, really messed up. It wasnt just one instance of bad judgment but a pattern of misjudgment that was obviously headed for disaster.

I tell people about his legal tangles only if it is a situation where it's appropriate to express what Ive just said in the above paragraphs. Just saying "he's in jail" and rolling my eyes or changing the subject doesn't cut it IMO. Obviously, I won't tell casual acquaintances. But one thing I've found is that true sympathy and support can come when you least expect it. Everyone has some source of pain in their life. When you look around at people you know who live in nice houses, drive nice cars, and have handsome husbands who work from 9 to 5 in a suit and tie, you might assume nothing I s wrong with their lives and they couldnt possibly understand what youre going through. And sometimes you're completely wrong; they might have gone through or are going through some horrible stuff that you dont know about and could be a source of real help and support.
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  #92  
Old 12-02-2015, 07:59 AM
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For the most part I am pretty open about my world and my husband, but when it comes to my work area -(I am a travel Nurse) I have to say I am a bit hesitant at first when at a new place. Some people are unfortunatly shallow and judge you based on your spouses situation- whether that be unemployed, in prison or any other less than perfect lifestyle. And since I know how good news travels fast in hospitals I just keep my business to myself until I know the people around me a bit more... but usually it becomes common knowledge before long.
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  #93  
Old 12-02-2015, 11:35 AM
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I am not ashamed of my man I love him dearly and he is such an amazing person. However I am hesitant to talk to people about him, but I am also a very private person and am hesitant to talk to people about a lot of things. The people that matter in my life know about my man and that is the most important thing to me that I can share about him with my support system. All anyone else needs to know is I have a wonderful man that I love dearly who loves me dearly that lives in another state.
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Old 12-15-2015, 10:19 PM
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Thanks SoulsCollide, I admire your boldness!
Patty, I told those few things about myself to allow people to see my perspective. I looked at things from a worldly view, at a point on time I was law school student dating a convicted felon! What does confidence in my relationship have to do with feeling hesitant or ashamed? It's simple, most people speak on things they know because they're confident that what they learned is true. Have you ever tried to tell someone something that you didn't fully believe yourself and they believed you?
____

I feel the same way. Maybe not ashamed, but I definitely think about what people think about being with my man. I try to rationalize it to my kids that we knew each other before he went in. And that we have been friends since we were 13. He was my first and I was his. But I had no real feelings for him back then. Well we are 50 now and he has been down for well over 20 years. As his friend I have been with him since day one. As his girl it's been more like year number 13. During that time I have come to love him more than this life. I can't imagine my life without him, and I hate that I even care what people think. He hates it too so I know I have to get over it. But then again, it really is no one's business but ours. The issue is mine, not his and I know I don't want to lose him over it. He gets out in about 35 days. So many mixed emotions, and so many more things to worry about... like getting him used to this new life since he's been down so long.
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  #95  
Old 12-16-2015, 07:07 PM
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Question Have you ever felt hesitant or ashamed?

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Ladies,

Have you been hesitant or ashamed to tell people, friends and family, etc. that your man is in prison?

Here's a little about me: 23 years old, graduated from college last summer with 2 Bachelors, recently withdrew from law school in February to start a career in social work. I met Ry a few months before he was arrested in 2012.

I ask this question because I just realized that I did feel that way. I visited Ry yesterday, that was the first time I touched him in over two years. Last time I seen him was last year when he was in jail. I was ashamed because I lacked confidence in our relationship. Spending those hours with him helped me to solidify my feelings and feel secure. He was wearing a rubber band on his wrist, I asked him why he had it, he said he wasn't even supposed to have it and he put it on my wrist. Now I wear it like a bracelet and have no intention on taking it off.

My insecurity in our relationship stemmed from a lack of trust and not wanting to be embarrassed if his actions didn't correlate with his words. I have a sense of freedom, I'm not ashamed!!!! I'm not concerned with what my family or friends will think, not that it is anyone's business that he is in prison anyways.

He will be paroled in 53 days! We plan to marry on the day we met, February 1st in 2015.

Keep us in your prayers ladies and thanks for reading!
Nope, my husband removed that after what he did appeared on the news and in our local papers. I lost close friends over it, but as I reflect back if they were true friends they would be more understanding. I didn't break the law, he did. So it is there loss not mine.....
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  #96  
Old 12-24-2015, 11:55 PM
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When he first went in, I was hesitant to tell others about where he was. Never ashamed. As the years went by, I started caring less about what others thought and started keeping things private because it's really nobody's business for real.
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  #97  
Old 05-17-2019, 06:59 PM
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I don't have a problem speaking about him with a couple of people. I don't share my business with everyone when it comes to him/etc! You learn to be selective on who you want to share things about. I don't care for negativity and my skin is thick..but I don't want negativity in my ear on a daily about what I'm doing and how I'm doing it!
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  #98  
Old 05-17-2019, 09:12 PM
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I am not now nor have I ever been ashamed or hesitant to talk to anybody about my fiancé. There are people out there that will be negative, there are people out there that will be supportive. It's ultimately up to me who I chose to deal with. I am very proud of my Baby, and the man that he has become and is still becoming. I know he has a past, and not a very good one, but he is moving on from that and making something out of himself. So when people ask about him, I don't hesitate to tell them whatever it is they want to know. And then I let them chose to either accept it or walk away. Either way is fine with me. But as for me and him, well, in his words " we are in this together, no matter what, nothing will change our love."
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  #99  
Old 05-18-2019, 01:10 AM
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I'm typically hesitant to say anything about him. I have no pictures of him on my facebook outside of prison oriented groups and some very understanding friends.

Most people just couldn't understand the craziness of his sentence and the fact that he didn't deserve as much as he got. Secondly, I have no guarantee that he will ever come "home" to me. "Home' being a place he has never lived, a place I don't even live in yet.

My family knows, and so do the renters that live here as well, but they are family friends.

Most of my Facebook friends know vaguely that he is in prison (Although I blocked people who knew him from before his crime from seeing that status,) but I don't bring it up to them. A small group was willing to be supportive and hear me out. None of them know what he is in for.

There were a few people on Facebook who removed themselves from my friend's list once I married him. These were mostly very conservative friends of my late husband, who a) either thought I moved on too quickly even though I explained the situation and that my late husband actually approved my current marriage) or b) thought that people couldn't change or learn from their mistakes.

He made a mistake and is unfortunately being treated and sentenced as if it were an actual problem. But it was just as much someone else's fault as his.
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Old 05-19-2019, 08:56 AM
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When the case first technically began with a search of our home in November of 2016 the only people we told were our three children and very few others. I told a cousin that I am close to in case the news hit the paper and three close friends but that was about it.

The first few days after his arrest (still not publicized) I told more people close to us. When a neighbor, who had witnessed the arrest, asked me about it, it became reality and I took a new outlook at that time. There were alleged rumors as to what he was arrested for and I decided at that time to just be honest with anyone who asked. At least they heard it directly.

I had to go back to work after 10 years and with both of my new bosses I left out specifics unless they asked and just said "My husband is going to prison...." (I had to explain a ten year employment gap I felt) "and I will need the day of sentencing and the day after off and later when he leaves I will need that day and the day after and then I will put my 'big girl panties' on and move forward." If they, or co-workers, have asked I have been completely honest. First, it was not me who committed the crime. Secondly my husband's crime involved possession of CP to which after the search in 2016 he immediately went into therapy and learned a lot about the "condition" as well as himself. We have always prided ourselves in helping educate others in areas we are familiar with and this has helped.

That being said I have also taken the idea that once it is out people either accept it and my support for him, or they don't. We, especially me, have been overwhelmed with support and have only had a few that have been un-accepting. That being said we have garnered even more support in the fact that he has been out on bond with house arrest (technically under federal definition of house incarceration since he is disabled and does not work) for nearly a full year now with court dates continually being delayed and knowing that legally this house arrest time does not count.
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