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Husbands & Boyfriends in Prison For everyone who has a husband, boyfriend or male partner incarcerated.

View Poll Results: Have you ever felt hesitant or ashamed to tell people about your man?
Yes, ashamed 39 13.88%
Yes, hesitant 163 58.01%
No 87 30.96%
Other negative feelings 12 4.27%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 281. You may not vote on this poll

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  #26  
Old 04-25-2014, 11:54 AM
JivR JivR is offline
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Originally Posted by Jtpwifey View Post
I def can relate to this. I'm a cosmetologist so a lot of my job involves small talk with clients n more often then not the conversation goes to, do I have any kids then if I'm married, what does my husband do for a living yada yada. I do get hesitant about getting into that subject usually depending on who I'm talking too. A client n I were talking about how expensive daycare was n she asked what my husband did for a living, I kind of froze Bc I wasn't sure how she would react, I ended up telling her he was a landscaper.. Not Bc I'm ashamed of our relationship but more Bc I really didn't want to get into all that with her. I could tell she was the type to want details n more info then I wanted to share.. Also Bc she really liked how I did her hair n I felt like she would hv judged me based on his past n may not have came back to me. If that makes any sense? Anyways I told my hubby about it that nite n he agreed some people it's just better left unsaid. I also have issues with my parents not understanding our relationship or why I chose to "wait" for him.. Well Bc I love him to death.. Is there a better reason? We have a 15 month old son that he had never gotten to hold or even meet besides seeing him in pictures and one visit behind glass! He's been in county 23 months awaiting a federal sentence which FINALLY happened a couple weeks ago, we have 18 months to go THANK GOODNESS! But point is regardless of my family or anyone else's opinion I will wait for him Bc I love him with all my heart! I think the hesitation in some cases is totally normal n understandable. Hopefully one day my parents will see him the way I do and not for mistakes he's made in the past but if not then it their loss! Had anyone dealt with that from your family? If so how did u handle it? I'm at a loss for what to do to help them understand..
It is such a huge relief when sentencing is out the way! It is extremely nerve wrecking! The first person I told was my cousin that lives about 25 minutes from the prison that he's in because I wanted to stay at here place when I visited since I live over four states away. She was the last person I told. She knew that I was going to be in the same situation she found herself in. She later apologized and we haven't had any issues since. The only way they will understand is by getting to know him and having boundaries. Things should change when he's released when they see he's a good husband and father. If not, your happiness is more important that his acceptance by your parents!
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  #27  
Old 04-25-2014, 11:59 AM
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Originally Posted by caribchic View Post
Yes I do feel ashamed and I am not ashamed to admit it. But im not ashamed of him. people dont look too kindly at the fact that your man is in prison. It makes you look bad. They may not have a man but they kind of make comments like you are so desperate to go with a jail bird.
I completely agree. People associate prison with bad people and that isn't always the case. Those people are ignorant and lack depth! I have been told I deserve better and I see you with a man that does this for a living... blah blah blah!
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  #28  
Old 04-25-2014, 06:23 PM
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Never ashamed of him.
Never ashamed of him being in prison.

Hesitant to tell? Sometimes. Depends on the scenario and the person/people wanting to know.

I hate the smirks, the "you're going to put your life on hold?", the "what about your sex life?" comments. I've been told I'm "desperate" and even that I "must have psychological issues". Those comments mainly come from people with small, closed minds and big, open mouths.

For anyone who tries to judge. I shut them down. I won't discuss his charge, however I do tell people the time remaining on his sentence. I tell everyone that I will "wait" as long as needed, my life is not on hold my life continues every day and with phone calls and visits he remains a big part of my life. I simply say to people its no different than families who have a partner that works away. After I frame it to people like that they usually tend to stop their judgment.

Me & He - 35 & 29. LWP eligible 29/2/2024!
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  #29  
Old 04-25-2014, 11:55 PM
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I'm never ashamed - but I am cautious about who I tell. Mainly because I fear that our relationship could be used against me if my ex were ever to go after custody of our daughter. He's known for years, but a family law attorney advised me to keep the relationship low-key, because a judge would not look kindly upon it. My family (except my 94-year-old grandmother) knows ... my friends know ... I first had to make sure I wouldn't get fired, but my boss and team at work now know.

It was crazy because my man and I recently went through our first rough patch (met 15 years ago, been a couple for more than seven) when my mother died painfully of cancer and I just couldn't take being alone anymore. I was honest with him about it, but it really hurt him ... We are working through it, communicating more, tripling our efforts to get him out of there (he has no out date). He is worth waiting for, and our relationship is worth protecting. But when we went through this tough period, all my family and friends who found out were SO GLAD that I might be moving on from him. I couldn't believe it. Not one person encouraged me to stick it out.

JtpWifey, I too have had to come to the conclusion that until he is here to represent himself, no one will agree with our relationship or think he's a good guy (can't listen to ME, since I'm in love).

Thank you for this thought-provoking survey, JivR! I was in law school myself, and always hear about how much better I could do ... but people have no idea who my fiance is. They see only PRISON.
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  #30  
Old 04-26-2014, 05:22 AM
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I am a bit hesitant the only person who knows is my x whom I have a baby girl with because he is not as judgmental or the type to threaten me with my kids....
My only fear is people using it against me as a mother with my kids if it were not for that I would tell the world
Anyone else have some of this going on?
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  #31  
Old 04-26-2014, 02:40 PM
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Originally Posted by caribchic View Post
Yes I do feel ashamed and I am not ashamed to admit it. But im not ashamed of him. people dont look too kindly at the fact that your man is in prison. It makes you look bad. They may not have a man but they kind of make comments like you are so desperate to go with a jail bird.
I had to really think abt my answer to this
question. Like others I will not share info with
just anyone. But even with those that I am close
to the thought just makes me have an
out of body experience. I do love my bf and want
to spend my life with him. All of my family any
friends would ask what the f* is wrong with me.

I received a joke from a friend last week....a list of
don't for women, "don't date a inmate". Ppl think women
that wait on inmates are stupid and we're
looked down on. Society think we spend all
or most of our money putting it on their books
(plus gas money). Think we spend all our time
writing letters, on the phone with them and visiting.
My mom knows abt my bf, my youngest sister
and so does my oldest daughter. My sister stopped
speaking to me and has not since last ur. My bf just got
to the yard so I'm not approved for visits yet. I'm
sure it will be worse once I'm able to visit. And But I
write and we talk. They complain abt my wasting my
time. I went to a hair salon and a show can
on where a lady was waiting on her bf.
Ppl in the salon started chatting abt her. They
said she was "one of those". I just sat there
with the hairs on the back of my neck standing
up. I'm in the same boat as you
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  #32  
Old 04-27-2014, 11:03 PM
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When people ask me where he at I tell them then they make a face like why are you with him, I always state I love him he is the only one who really understands me I have a family with him why would I wanna let him go because of what he did no I'm no one to judge, he is the love of my life. It doesn't bother me it hurts me really bad knowing I don't have him here with me. Spending his days with our baby she was two months when he went in she will be 11 months when he gets out Yeah just 9 months but those 9 months that's he missing out on our baby. And everyone is so fast to judge our relationship he is 30 and I am 20 but idc about his age we know what we want . I just can't wait to have him home November 9 needs to hurry up ♥♥
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  #33  
Old 04-28-2014, 01:38 AM
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Not ashamed but hesitant yes!!
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  #34  
Old 04-28-2014, 06:34 AM
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Never ashamed,never hesitant. People will think what they will when they are paying my bills they get to have an opinion.
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  #35  
Old 05-03-2014, 12:29 AM
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I'm hesitant sometimes, depending on who I'm talking to. My employer, for example, or a potential one. People judge you by the company you keep.

But other than that, I don't mind telling people. "Where's your husband?" Prison "Why?" Because he's a dumbass. That's it. Most people don't really care.
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  #36  
Old 05-05-2014, 02:14 PM
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Honestly i lie to family and friends. Well kinda lie i tell ppl i am in along distance relationship which is not a lie but i suppose is deceptive. The only one i can talk to about the whole thing is his mom.
You may think it is wrong for me to lie but i assure u i am in no way ashamed of my boyfriend and where he is. Im more ashamed of my family because i think i know how they will react. My bf is a good man he didnt even do what he is a accused of but because he does have a past record from stupid things he did when he was young they believed the lying officers over him.
But its no ones business where he is, he is too good a person to be judged by people that dont know him. I dont want that to be the first and only thing ppl think of when they meet him. I want them to get to know him as a person, the good person that he is and then ..only if he tells them, they can learn of his past. He is more than an "ex con" . I love him and he will be home soon! Good idea for a poll :-)
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Old 05-11-2014, 08:05 AM
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hesistant because i get tired of hearing..i thought you were a smart girl..etc..noone knows me and my man but me and my man..im hesitant to even discuss things here with women who are in my position.. things look bad sometimes but every person is an individual with individual issues and individual strenths..he has qualities someone who has never been to prison has..
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  #38  
Old 08-16-2014, 09:46 PM
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while waiting for my hubby to get sentenced this past year now, i only told the people closest to me.Now he has been sentenced to 60 months earlier this month and will be getting moved to a federal prison.Now im faced with the delimma of people knowing.I dont want strangers knowing my personal buisness so i just lie since they arent ever at my house anyway.I just dont want to have to argue with someone because they have some opinion about my relationship and waiting on him.Things are hard enough with him gone right now.Why explain myself and relationship if i dont have to

also we have a little bit in common.i am also 23, but i am double majoring in college right now and dont graduate until december 2015 with both degrees.
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  #39  
Old 08-17-2014, 12:56 AM
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Nope, never. People who know me weren't surprised, and people who don't know me very well but don't like it aren't the kind of people I want around me anyway. It's no big deal to anyone outside of family, and our families are fine with it.
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  #40  
Old 08-17-2014, 01:57 AM
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in my case I could care less what other people think. Only persons opinion I care about is his. My children know about him and my older two don't approve. Not because of where he is but becuz he isn't their father. My two youngest boys are too young to understand why mommy isn't with daddy anymore. My littlest who isn't either of ours biologically loves him to death. My point being its NOBODY's bizness. People will have their opinions. And some voice them and others won't. It should only matter what he thinks of you and you of him. Others opinions are irrelevant
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  #41  
Old 08-17-2014, 04:32 AM
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im not ashamed of him, if i was i wouldnt be with him, i have told him i am proud of him, with everything he has went through, im not ashamed people are shocked if i tell them but oh well everyone has different points and views.
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  #42  
Old 08-17-2014, 05:52 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JivR View Post
Ladies,

Have you been hesitant or ashamed to tell people, friends and family, etc. that your man is in prison?

Here's a little about me: 23 years old, graduated from college last summer with 2 Bachelors, recently withdrew from law school in February to start a career in social work. I met Ry a few months before he was arrested in 2012.

I ask this question because I just realized that I did feel that way. I visited Ry yesterday, that was the first time I touched him in over two years. Last time I seen him was last year when he was in jail. I was ashamed because I lacked confidence in our relationship. Spending those hours with him helped me to solidify my feelings and feel secure. He was wearing a rubber band on his wrist, I asked him why he had it, he said he wasn't even supposed to have it and he put it on my wrist. Now I wear it like a bracelet and have no intention on taking it off.

My insecurity in our relationship stemmed from a lack of trust and not wanting to be embarrassed if his actions didn't correlate with his words. I have a sense of freedom, I'm not ashamed!!!! I'm not concerned with what my family or friends will think, not that it is anyone's business that he is in prison anyways.

He will be paroled in 53 days! We plan to marry on the day we met, February 1st in 2015.

Keep us in your prayers ladies and thanks for reading!
Congratulations on your marriage I can see why you would be hesitant about admitting he is in prison you have alot going for you. Society has a habit of turning their noses on people who are doing time, they don't understand. If he makes you happy and you love him be proud of him and others will eventually understand how you feel about things.
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  #43  
Old 08-17-2014, 06:51 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JivR View Post
I don't see us as being different. I don't put him in a category because he is not what he has done. He isn't a criminal, inmate, felon, or offender, he is Ry! Having an education doesn't make me better or different than someone that doesn't because I can find myself in their same situation, not only that but my education isn't who I am. I have never been ashamed of him whatsoever but ashamed to tell people about our relationship because of our prior history and because he is in prison. People associate prison with bad people and that isn't always the case.
You are spot on. Our social worker a has conditional attraction, "temporarily fueled by lust/romantic love". It's not a genuine accepting within reason unconditional love of the person. More often the guy who hits prison has had problems in negotiating a logical life pattern that can take a longer process to get to idealised reformed goals in practice that he'd hope to get to or feels he needs to promise for approval of such. He'd hope, but be nervous enough of getting there, without the pressure of conditional love.Women who love with eyes wide open can help as obviously keeping out of jail that keeps them apart is an underlying goal-for both-yet allows for what the guy can progress through realistically without rejection if he's doing the best he can at the time.This social worker ought to cut him loose for his sake. I'm a mother and been a social worker, even in prisons dealing with my son's fist incarceration. I may hope like crazy he learns from this, can carry out what he hopes for. Yet I do realise that if at 32yo he established enough dumb responses to get locked up there is no way I can bank on the best case scenario when he gets out. I may have to face, no matter how I hope not his learning curve while going up won't be with out hitches that will be a pi--off and I'll still care and love him -he's not so bad , but been a dumb ass that got himself on a dumb ass trajectory that will take lots of conscious changes to get off until "normal behaviour is automatic". I've worked in prisons, know a lot about my son's pluses and minuses clinically and personally and I can't know or count on the goals he will manage.I'm not sharing doubts with him, but he can feel the underlying love thats within reason unconditional.It's whatv some other women are offering there partners. Our social worker has every right to choose a partner who will be straight, and a responsabilty to be honest with the inmate, a professional responsability to wise up she doesn't love him enough and face the mourning of the loss of what she hoped had relationship potential.
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  #44  
Old 08-18-2014, 09:18 AM
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Never ashamed. Never hesitant. If a person is then you shouldn't be with them. Or they shouldn't be with you. You know what they are in prison for so why lie.
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Old 08-25-2014, 08:51 PM
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I am very happy and proud to be married to Jimmy, he is everything to me and I have never cared what anyone thinks about us. if they don't get it that's fine its their issue not mine. I have lost a few so called " friends." I just say oh well I will have a few more stamps to use for letters to my man cuz its less people I have to mail christmas cards to
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Old 08-27-2014, 07:05 PM
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Hesitant, yes. Ashamed, no.

Hesitant, because it really isn't anyone's business that he is in there, or why, and I don't want to hear their possibly negative comments or opinions on the matter, so I'm hesitant to share certain things. - I'm not ashamed of the reason he is in there, there is no need to be, but no one needs to know all the details.
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Old 08-27-2014, 08:25 PM
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Two days ago I had to take our marriage application to a notary. The page they had to notarize listed our names, his charges and the length of his sentence. It was about as exposed as it could get without making headlines. The woman verified what she was witnessing and then asked if I would be going to CA for the wedding (I'm in OR). I said I was. I couldn't gauge her tone and I didn't let it bother me. Then she spilled this story about her brother's best friend who married in the middle of a lengthy sentence and how they were such a happy couple.

This is representative of the majority of my exchanges regarding his incarceration. People are naturally curious...it doesn't always mean they're judging. Maybe their looking for a window to relate.
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Old 08-31-2014, 04:41 PM
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Nope...If I can't be honest when people ask because I am ashamed, I shouldn't be with him
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Old 09-01-2014, 10:16 AM
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I am ashamed. HE is ashamed. My family doesn't know him, doesn't know the amazing person he is and I want them to know that before they know the inmate. People on here may not be ashamed, that's admirable. I DO care what my family thinks because I respect and love them and I know that not everyone can understand this the way we do. I could get them there. With enough explaining they would understand and have our back. But again, I want them to know Jeremy as a person before a story or explanation. It weighs on me heavily. I don't keep secrets or lie to my family and now I have this. All they know is he lives out of state. I hate it. And the lying leads to guilt and shame. I'm not ashamed of jeremy I love him but I'm ashamed of where we are at. We are all better than life with the system and I wish freedom from it for each one of us so we can have the futures we want with our loved ones. Thankyou for asking
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Old 09-04-2014, 01:07 AM
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I am not ashamed because I love him with my whole heart but I do not offer it up quickly. I tell most he is in Missouri. Which he is. I have told my family and friends and my facebook family and alot of people have said what they need to say and I have explained I am marrying this man regardless. If I listen to them and I pass up a chance on love they wont be hurt I will. I will not deny him nor myself happiness. I love him and I will scream it from the roof tops I dont have to scream he is an inmate or how Missouri says and Offender. He is the man I love that is what is important
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