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  #101  
Old 11-19-2013, 06:36 AM
Greeneyedlady63 Greeneyedlady63 is offline
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Originally Posted by notyourordinary View Post
I make sure i keep living my life. I havnt put anything on hold and i've started studying again. I figure the more things I do the more I have to tell him :b.
The busier I am the less this whole situation bothers me, and by that I don't mean I love him anyless or that I've stopped caring. It's just when I'm bust I don't have time to throw a pity party, which i am quite partial to lol. Besides the busier I am the faster time flies.
I agree, I had my pitty party and now I have started work and I will be taking some course work to better my situation and his. I see it like this young lady said if I am busy 3 1/2 years will fly by and I will have him beside me again.
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  #102  
Old 01-28-2014, 04:30 AM
bcjsgirl13 bcjsgirl13 is offline
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What a great thread! I write him daily and we talk 3 times a day plus visits. Everyone said it, but I'll say it too. Communication! I have always told him, even before we knew he was going to jail to just be open and honest. I might not always like what you have to say but I will respect you for being truthful. No secrets between us ever. Valentine's Day is coming up so I thought that I would do what I'm calling the 14 days of Valentine's. I bought 14 cute little cheap cards, all different, some ro romantic, some funny, and others just plain cute and I wrote one thing I love about him in all of them. I'm going to send one daily so he gets one every day between the 1st and the 14th along with my usual letters. Just something to make him happy and feel special.
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  #103  
Old 03-22-2014, 01:16 PM
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i too love this thread. my journey is just beginning ( my LO doing 3 almost 4 years) so, for now, just focusing on day to day life, praying and i do keep in touch w/ his mom and sister help me alot. i flood him w/ letters and did enjoy video chat/calling services at the county where he was. now hes moved to a state facility i will have to figure out how to keep in touch w/ him other than snail mail lol.
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  #104  
Old 03-23-2014, 06:16 PM
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Default missing the love of my life

I'm writing to say that i miss the love of my life his name is Josh we are married ,we have been together for seven years .we have three beautiful children and one almost here Josh has been away five months i miss him dearly he just went from a county jail to a prison. i had my first visit yesterday i was soo happy to see him but it stung to have to walk away and leave him in that environment i sooo badly want him home and I'm scared for him being in a prison i feel helpless when i have to leave he truly is my everything my heart and soul. thank you for listenin
g to me talk
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  #105  
Old 03-23-2014, 06:23 PM
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Like many others have said, try not to put so much of your life on hold. Do your routines, go and have a drink with a girlfriend, etc. Laughter is the best medicine. Keep ties strong with your LO, laugh about the silly thing that happened earlier, confront problems arising and resolve them together. Be as "normal" as possible, despite us knowing what our normal is these days.
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  #106  
Old 03-23-2014, 07:02 PM
AshleyT7912 AshleyT7912 is offline
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I am trying to stick to my daily routines its just hard knowing where he is and what its like there.. we have never been apart and it feels like he is being ripped away from me. i write him constantly and go see him as much as possible i want him to know how much he means to me and that he is my whole heart.
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  #107  
Old 03-23-2014, 10:48 PM
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Originally Posted by bcjsgirl13 View Post
What a great thread! I write him daily and we talk 3 times a day plus visits. Everyone said it, but I'll say it too. Communication! I have always told him, even before we knew he was going to jail to just be open and honest. I might not always like what you have to say but I will respect you for being truthful. No secrets between us ever. Valentine's Day is coming up so I thought that I would do what I'm calling the 14 days of Valentine's. I bought 14 cute little cheap cards, all different, some ro romantic, some funny, and others just plain cute and I wrote one thing I love about him in all of them. I'm going to send one daily so he gets one every day between the 1st and the 14th along with my usual letters. Just something to make him happy and feel special.
Awe that's super cute! good idea!
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  #108  
Old 07-22-2014, 07:35 PM
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Like most of you have said it helps to stay busy. Makes the time go by faster and gives you more to talk about with your significant other. I also still like to feel like we get to do things together. Some things we do are bible studies together through the mail, American Bible Academy. We read the same books and try to go at the same pace so we can discuss what we've read. When he gets to watch t.v. we tune into the same shows. The little things like that make us feel closer together. However, there are good days and there are many bad days where nothing seems to help:/
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  #109  
Old 08-01-2014, 12:35 PM
Gary'swife12514 Gary'swife12514 is offline
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Making plans and setting goals prior to his release gave him something to look forward to. We had our own business before he went in and had no one to run it while he was in. I just kept letting him know that we were going to pick up where we left off and whatever he needed me to do, if it was in my power, I would do it. He asked me to maintain his contacts and to make sure our truck was started on a regular basis, to keep up all of our licences and things of that nature. I. Wild always keep him informed of new prospects. Also, he was.somehow always included in family. celebrations via telephone and that made him feel still a part of instead of apart from. The main ingredients in our successful relationship are trust, honesty and communication (listening,as well as talking to each other) . Letting each other know.how much we mean to each other and an honest desire for each others happiness. Also, being able to agree to disagree in a civil manner. If we get aggravated with each other( and we do), we say what we have to say, sometimes its unpleasant, and we say to each other that we aren't solving anything and walk away for a little while. We eventually come up with a mutual.agreement. Our mission in our relationship is this - we don't need to do things my way and we don't need t do things his way, what we need to do is learn to do things OUR way. Its challenging, but we are doing it and yet still being able to maintain our individuality. Its a work in progress as it should be. All you need is two willing participants. Hope this helps!

Love this i think this is exactly what i needed!!!!!
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  #110  
Old 08-01-2014, 12:43 PM
Gary'swife12514 Gary'swife12514 is offline
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Girl I am with you 100% word for word......
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  #111  
Old 08-16-2014, 02:02 AM
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Communication... as many phone calls as I can afford. Which is usually every other day... Lots and lots of letters. I try to put 3-4 letters in a week. I can't visit him at all, I am in Pa and he was extradited to Florida in June. I got to visit him 3 times a week for a month while he was still here for the month of May. But it's not possible anymore... and I find it very helpful too, I have started somewhat of a journal to him, r him to read when he gets home. I write at the end of the day, every day. Tell him how my day went and everything that happened, and things that you can't send to the prison lol. Yes I repeat something's between the journal and letters to him but he doesn't mind. I already have one book completely filled and I'm working on a second. I've been trying to keep it to one page pday, since in the beginning of this ordeal I was writing 4-5 pages per day. This is a first for me. I just keep reassuring him I'm still here, I'm not going anywhere. I'm taking care of our home while he's gone. It's hard without him but I'm a strong woman and I can make it. Reassurance is important. To make sure he knows I'm here, I'm never leaving, I'm faithful. He knows those things but I know it helps him to hear them too. I look forward to receiving his trees as much as I look forward to sending them. I hope this helps someone. Because being my first experience(and it will be our last,because this is a bunch of bull crap that he's there to begin with) keeping the journal for him to read when he gets home keeps me sane, and he will get to read my thoughts and activities of everyday. Knowing not a second passes that he's not on my mind......
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  #112  
Old 08-20-2014, 09:48 PM
pthompson pthompson is offline
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I was with my guy 21 years ago andbwe were together about a year.I left him due to problems in our relationship.Well he found me and we started talking I was in a marriage I wanted out of.I got out of it and him and I were already building a friendship that turned into is falling in love again.He now has been in the hole for 90 days and the mail system sucks.It gets really hard.He has been inside for 8 years and was sentenced to 13.I just know it is a long time to wait until he gets out.I haven't been able to visit yet he is to far from me Not sure if I will get to even visit when he moves it is still far.I just pray I can see him.I miss him so much.I can't wait until he gets transferred because at least he will be able to call me.
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  #113  
Old 08-25-2014, 07:18 AM
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This thread is great.. It has only been 4 days and it is still very raw but I can relate to all these points. I have already emailed every day and in my emails I have set plans and things to look forward too. Like Christmas 2015, I am literally going to plan and make it the best christmas ever. I have also got him a job sorted for when he gets out, my dad told me yesterday he will make sure that happens. I told him that to in my email and I know that will be something he 100% will appreciate and keep him going. I will also keep busy, I am back to uni in 2 weeks (law student) and I have a business running with my sister and brother in law. Will keep me busy. I have a 6 year old daughter and at the moment I dread the day she goes to stay at her dads (previously she would stay 2-3 nights a week).. feel a little selfish but I cant bear a night alone... just yet! x
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  #114  
Old 11-02-2014, 10:45 AM
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Hope you are feeling better.
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  #115  
Old 04-03-2015, 04:36 PM
Chads_Gal_Kim Chads_Gal_Kim is offline
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Originally Posted by chosenmemories View Post
I think perspective is very important in this type of relationship. I try not to look at the negative aspects but rather I focus on the positive ones. Certainly there are a lot of things we sacrafice for the ones we love, but we gain quite a bit in return and for me that makes it worthwhile to continue on. My husband and I focus on our communication skills because without it we would be lost. I include him in my every day life so that he is not on the outside looking in but actually a daily participant. It makes us both feel good when we accomplish a family goal as well as our individual goals. Our lives continue to move forward and although we are physically apart we are together mentally and emotionally.

Create balance and ease into a routine that meets both of your needs. Not saying it's easy but it isn't impossible! =)
Thank you so much for your positive perspective. I'm curious; is your husband being released in a descent timeframe? I'm struggling because my honey is serving LWOP... we will never give up hope; however - if we face reality - he probably is not ever coming home to me. Which is a hard thought to swallow...we've been in love since middle school; and we're in our mid 40's now....so neither one of us is going anywhere...I just decided to join because I'm hoping to gain a more clear perspective; get hope and be with a community that is understanding.

Thank you again for your post -
Kimberly
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  #116  
Old 04-03-2015, 06:53 PM
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As is apparent by the numerous times it appears in this thread and on the site as a whole- communicate. But don't just talk at each other, strive for a level of transparency that fills in the space that incarceration has created. Sometimes that means hashing something out in a letter or a phone call that in other situations you may have been able to resolve through a reassuring glance. Awkward? Sometimes. Worth it? Every time.

We may go against the grain here just a little in that we don't really make long term goals. Not because we don't see a future together, but we're blissfully slow builders. He has 18 years left on his sentence. I don't know who I'll be or where I'll be or how he'll see his place in this world in 18 years. So for us, short term goals that bring us closer together, that provide incite into the way the other is evolving and learning how that can make us a stronger couple has been the path that's worked for us.

Every day we remind ourselves: we got married to lift each other up, not tie each other down. If it fits that goal, we're good.
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  #117  
Old 04-14-2015, 01:39 PM
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For me, I keep living my life. I have made no plans to cancel anything because he isn't here. He fell in love with me for being so independent and into so much so I will continue to be the person he fell in love with!

We were making plans to move so that I would be able to apply for a NP program and I am still making the move, although I will most likely wait to start school when he comes back home.

Communication...communication...communication! Need I say more. Its hard to have a good relationship with an inmate if he has to constantly wonder if you are still there for him. And don't be so hard if they tend to be a tad bit more jealous and nit-picking at times, they have a lot of time on their hands to think Just remember it goes both ways, he needs to be communicating too!

Don't get involved with the "hustles". Don't let them make you feel bad if you can't do something (money or contact someone on the outside for someone), let them know you are doing the best you can and tell them you love them...they might get pissy for a minute but they get over it!

Always remember that you need to come first...don't take away from your family so he can have a few extra honey buns! Do what you can and don't stress on what you can't!
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  #118  
Old 05-12-2015, 04:12 PM
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Communication is the word. We write to each other every week, and I visit every Thursday. I think of the positive stuff and the goals we have for when he gets released. If we cannot communicate, then there is no relationship. I love my fiance and I am going to do what I can to keep the faith.
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  #119  
Old 09-16-2015, 11:24 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Patty View Post
You decided to stand by a man who is currently incarcerated. Sometimes life in general gets the best of you and sometimes the rigors of prison life drive him a little bit crazy. Now mind you, I'm not talking about the crazy insecure women, nor am I talking about selfish-minded husbands and boyfriends - these types will NEVER allow themselves pleasure (you're thinkin' it, I'm sayin' it). But you and me - we can take it and we can work with it and we can do the damn thing as long as we have to. We got this, right?

Okay if we can do it then we have an obligation IMO to share with others how infact it is done. Sooooooooo share your tips for dealing with being an outmate....
Well said, girl! How I deal with it is this. I think, "really? Like he doesn't hate being in prison or not being out here?" I think in the aspect that he has it worse than I do. Then I start to think about HIM and how he hardly ever complains. That's admirable and respectable. His strength gets ME through, and when he is down, I help HIM. It is all about dealing with it as a team. Dealing with it together makes you get through ANYTHING. And even the Bible says that two heads are better than one. :-)
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  #120  
Old 03-22-2016, 09:08 PM
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We keep in touch with each other. We are honest. We talk on phone and write letters. We visit. I jpay if I need to tell him anything quick. We have a good foundation in God. We were friends for 3 years and now dating 9 months. It's the best thing that ever happened to me. Almost home less than 60 days.
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  #121  
Old 05-01-2016, 11:17 AM
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Default Thanks! (Oops I wrote a lot again... Lol.)

Thank you for this post! I love reading everyone's replies. I am still getting used to my baby being away from me. At first it was really difficult and I cried every day, all day. I would fight back the tears while I was in public (sometimes unsuccessfully! ) until I would come home and as soon as I walked in the door just start crying again... ANYWAY, once I found this forum I felt a lot better. Didn't feel alone in this anymore.

I feel like I'm learning a lot so far! I'm learning that even though he's temporarily away, I can still treasure our relationship and enjoy it for what it is. He tries his best to treat me like a princess, even though he can't physically be with me I feel his presence all the time. I've learned that being grateful and thankful for what I have helps tremendously when I get down about the situation. I make a list of all the things I'm grateful for in my life (family, health, love, faith etc) and then I make another list for everything I'm grateful to my man for (his calls, letters, appreciation, optimisim). It helps put things into perspective. It could be a lot worse! He's not in a warzone getting shot at, he's not in isolation, he's smart, healthy & safe. Some people spend years of their life on the outside in horrible situations. When he gets out, he'll still have mostly his whole life ahead of him, a future with possibility of a family and a happy life to live.

So I guess my tip for the outmates would be: try to stay grateful. And stay grateful for the relationship you do have. Not everyone can be so lucky to have love in this world. It doesn't hurt to remember how much we truly have.
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Old 12-17-2016, 05:20 PM
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Quote:
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I keep myself as busy as possible and think of what we have as a long distance relationship, yes I have those lonely nights and days when all I want to do is cry but I know this to shall pass and in the end we will have a stronger relationship. I write and email everyday and tell him everything so that he knows he is missed and important. Like Patty said communication is key.

Loyalty over Everything
So true! I'm new to this forum, and the whole "having your guy in prison" does get lonely at times. You're right communication is key. I'm not sure how to navigate through this forum just yet. I'm trying to find info on MCI-H Hagerstown in MD , they don't give much info, do they accept money order from western union? Thanks
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  #123  
Old 03-11-2017, 01:14 AM
Silenus Silenus is offline
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This a great thread. Especially for those having a hard time and need something to look forward to or focus on.
I'm sure a million times in this thread: communication. Not just share your joy, worries, fears, news or life - communication is a solid foundation. It's only been 6 months but we would have not made it through without simple communication. Letting each other be heard whether it's good, bad or sad. Right now letters are all we have. We make the best of it by sending them often.

Specific tips for those that deal with mental illness
(although good for everyone in general):
*Take care of yourself. Stand up and make the bed. Shower. Brush your teeth. Sleep enough. Eat regular and try and stay away from fast food. Even if you only do those things for the day that's ok.

*Take your meds as scheduled if you're on them. If they aren't working well tell your doctor right away. They may need to adjust them or switch you to something else.

*Avoid isolating yourself. Call a friend or loved one and/or see them.

*If you're having suicidal thoughts please call a safe person or national suicide prevention lifeline 1-800-273-8255

*Clean up your surroundings. Seeing less mess will help clear your mind. Start with a small area such as putting away the dishes. If you can do more, then do more. If you can't do it later.

*Stay away from drugs and excessive drinking. It will truly only make you feel worse after the effect is gone.

*Just be outside for a little bit and breathe even if it's only 10min.

*If you have an episode of any kind: recognize it, write it down if needed, accept that it's happening, practice self-care and know it will pass. See your doctor if it's especially bad.

*Take time to get to know what your triggers are and healthy coping mechanisms.

*Do something anything that makes you feel good. It doesn't have to cost anything or cost a lot. It doesn't have to take up a lot of time either. Do it and do it for you only. ex: I started a skincare routine and takes 15min. Once in the day and once again at night.

*If you gotta cry - cry. Let that out and forgive yourself. Know you're doing your best and that's good enough.
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  #124  
Old 03-21-2017, 08:01 PM
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it's been two weeks and neither one of us know when he is going to be able to get out and i never knew i could miss someone so much. we have spent the past year with each other practically every day. it's breaks my heart knowing he is in there with no sense of hope at all. i dont know how to stay positive on my own or on the phone with him.
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  #125  
Old 05-05-2017, 12:54 PM
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Originally Posted by HisNDNgirl View Post
I write lots of letters and so does he. I write mine through out the day. He likes it cuz I write the time of each part, he says it's like a time line of my day. I call these letters our silver lining in this situation. We know what our insecurities are so we reassure each other everyday, this has helped us overcome it. That's all I got right now cuz I'm really new at this and just figuring it out but reading threads like these is a lot of help.
I do the same with my letters! That way he can feel like he's with me throughout the day!
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