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Husbands & Boyfriends in Prison For everyone who has a husband, boyfriend or male partner incarcerated.

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  #26  
Old 09-21-2012, 09:20 AM
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The best advice i can offer is remembering to take things one day at a time and never forget to take care of yourself first and foremost... when you hit a crazy rough patch (like we all do) take a deep breath and relax, NEVER THINK ITS WEAK TO CRY! Always talk to your LO about what you're going through but don't forget to aknowledge what he/she is going through as well. Be compassionate and patient. This life styles requires a ridiculous amount of patients! Always remember your morals and self-worth, please don't ever let ANYONE convince you to do something you are against or uncomfortable with... NEVER LET ANYONE MAKE YOU THINK ANYTHING LESS OF YOURSELF!!! It takes a strong special kind of person to walk down this path and regaurdless of what others may think you're doing a great job and this is your decision to make not theirs. Dealing with family or friends that turn their backs on you when you need the emotional support the most, always remember you're more than likely better off without them anyways if they can blow you off like that anyways. Letters are golden and will become some of your most prized possessions. Same goes for him/her remember to write them every chance you get even if its a simple card to remind them how much you are thinking of them

ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU ARE NOT IN THIS ALONE... PTO WILL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR YOU EVEN IF THE ADVICE IS THINGS YOU'D RATHER NOT HEAR!

<3 IN HIS ARMS IS WHERE I BELONG <3
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  #27  
Old 09-22-2012, 02:16 AM
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My advice would be to stay out of your head so much and to really work on coming to some sort of peace about the situation. As many have said I think it is key to use this time to work on yourself and learn about yourself and how you can be a better person AND a better wife/girlfriend to your loved one. I have learned to keep from blaming and being bitter towards my bf because it only breeds negative thoughts and actions. Communicating the best you can and working on your communication skills throughout his incarceration is very helpful. I found that I was so caught up in all the side stuff and the prison stuff, etc...that I wasn't taking the time to really enjoy our relationship, to bask in it, to really let it flourish even while he is behind bars. The little things mean everything in this situation. I want us to focus on being happy about our love and make plans and goals oriented to the future. This life can be consuming only if we let it. Write lots of letters, phone calls when able,visits. Show appreciation for each other and what we do. These are all things I strive for, although I usually just fumble around in my trying, but I think they are key to finding an actual sense of joy in your relationship and helping the time go by.
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  #28  
Old 09-22-2012, 03:21 PM
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Sometimes you just have to throw your hands up in the air and remember to count your blessings. We are alive, happy, together, and there are so many less fortunate that often our gripes seem petty by comparison.
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  #29  
Old 09-22-2012, 07:27 PM
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Originally Posted by Patty View Post
Sometimes you just have to throw your hands up in the air and remember to count your blessings. We are alive, happy, together, and there are so many less fortunate that often our gripes seem petty by comparison.
Patty I agree. this may sound kind of corny but what i think about when im very tempted to allow any of the extra challenging situations' i face in my life to knock me down, is very basic things. i have a roof over my head! Some people live in a garbage dump literally' or a dirt house. I have clean water to drink and hot water for a shower. there are millions in this world that do not even have a clean glass of water to drink! for real' truly think of that! i wont even drink water out of my tap unless its filtered and there are kids drinking dirty water that can make them sick or even kill them! i literally will take a picture of these kids out to remind me that no matter how difficult my life feels how truly blessed i am!
my man says we cry because we have no shoes' Until we see the man with NO Feet!!!
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  #30  
Old 09-22-2012, 09:39 PM
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Say "I love you" at every opportunity. Make sure that he KNOWS it. We do little things for each other that show how much we love each other. There are so many ways to show you love someone, even with just a letter as the medium.
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  #31  
Old 09-22-2012, 09:44 PM
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Writting him and keeping him in our life's as much as possible
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  #32  
Old 09-23-2012, 04:07 PM
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We talk every day, I write him several times a week, telling him how my day went, what I bought at the store, what I did with my son, what book I'm reading. I take pictures throughout the week and send them to him. I tell him how much I miss him and how important he is to me and how much I look forward to him being home. I do what I like to do and tell him about it as often as I can. I try and put extra money on the phone so he can call me more often on the weekends I spend with my sister. I do what I can for him like he was outside. We both do our best to treat each other with honesty, respect and love.
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  #33  
Old 09-30-2012, 07:15 AM
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Yesterday at our Harvest social at the native centre my daughter (12) gave thanks that I have a boyfriend who acts like a dad, loves her and treats her mom good, and she hopes he is home again soon. A good reminder of the things we have to be thankful for. A reminder to be thankful of our relationship even though he isn't in my arms. The important this is I am loved and have someone to love. My tip is to remember these things and to share them with your Man. I will be tellin my Man this when next he calls (he has been on lockdown), I think he will feel good to here we are thankful for him, even when he is inside instead of at home.
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  #34  
Old 09-30-2012, 11:22 PM
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To always remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel & if you can't see it yet tell your BF to move out of the way LOL.

Sorry I had to say it.
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  #35  
Old 10-03-2012, 11:28 AM
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I make sure i keep living my life. I havnt put anything on hold and i've started studying again. I figure the more things I do the more I have to tell him :b.
The busier I am the less this whole situation bothers me, and by that I don't mean I love him anyless or that I've stopped caring. It's just when I'm bust I don't have time to throw a pity party, which i am quite partial to lol. Besides the busier I am the faster time flies.
Very helpful to this newbie...My husband just entered ADOC 9/19/2012. I feel lost and needed to know my life has to go on.
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  #36  
Old 10-08-2012, 03:23 PM
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Despite the bearings , I will always be there when he needs me . Even if it doesnt work when he gets out ..I still will be there for him because he was here for me . I try to keep myself busy . I am currently not working so I try my best to meet not only his needs but mine as well . I never hope for the worse ..just wish for the best ! I know that relationships are never a promised after they are free , but communication and trust is an important part of a relationship . Staying positive and being strong for your mate is what motivates me to see the good not the bad . When I talk to my mate even though I miss him and want to cry to him , I hold back the tears because it only gives him the courage to downfall as well...One thing that I have learned from this , is to open up and say how you feel and mean what you say and that goes for me and him ..
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  #37  
Old 10-09-2012, 09:40 AM
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Remembering to retain patience, a sense of humour and perspective when you least feel like it.....

I try to remember "But for the grace of God go I", it actually could be worse.....
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  #38  
Old 10-21-2012, 10:31 PM
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Thumbs up Gratitude works

A few years ago I started a Gratitude Journal, where I consciously wrote down every day a few things I was grateful for in my life. Once I got going, it seemed there were just so many, many things big and small to be grateful for!

Since that time it has just become a thought pattern for me, and really has made a huge difference for me personally and professionally and for our marriage relationship as well.

My husband has always had a very joyful way of being in the world and even incarcerated he has kept that positive spirit. With me on the same wavelength, we seem to have uplifted ourselves together to a really good place. We always focus on the good things when we can. And then, when the bad things happen, and of course they do, we have a cushion to fall back on. It helps us remember that we CAN do this.

We have ten years down now with likely another eight to go. This way of being really helps us. We both also made a conscious choice NOT to live in dreams of the future only. We have so much time to do, that if we only thought of "someday" our lives would pass us by just waiting. So we make the best of THIS day and this situation, because it is our life together at this time.

I remember a few months ago when my husband told me he could see a bird nest through the tiny window in his cell. He watched the baby birds everyday, worried about them, saw them grow feathers, and then he was delighted when they flew away one day. We shared that small pleasure and it was good....even while we are apart physically, we try hard to stay connected emotionally.
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  #39  
Old 10-22-2012, 11:56 AM
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Absolutely honest communication has helped us the most. Even when it's hard we tell the truth. That means telling all the good and all the bad. And anything that happens in between.

We don't even do surprises unless the other person is ok with not knowing and if they ask we tell. We don't sugar coat things. Learning to let go of the things we can't change. Hoping for the best, but being emotionally prepared for the worst.

Making plans and dreaming of our future also helps us.

What helps the most is knowing that eventually this nightmare will end. Eventually I will wake up and he will be beside me. Eventually we will be together. And if we can make it through this, we can make it through anything!!

This forum also helps us. It helps me find answers for him. It helps me find answers for myself. It will help him when he's home, I'm sure.
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  #40  
Old 10-24-2012, 10:46 AM
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Default A couple's Project

So of course I think about my hunny every minute. To occupy my time and his, he decided to write a book. Since he doesn't have access to computers he sends me the hand-written version and I type it for him. We did our first editing session via phone last night. I think this helps both of us because I know he's keeping busy. The book writing process is not easy, but when we are done I will be so happy to know we accomplished a goal together. I am learning that a relationship is all about team work. He's my number 1 fan and I am his....hope this helps some one!
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  #41  
Old 11-02-2012, 11:55 PM
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I make sure i keep living my life. I havnt put anything on hold and i've started studying again. I figure the more things I do the more I have to tell him :b.
The busier I am the less this whole situation bothers me, and by that I don't mean I love him anyless or that I've stopped caring. It's just when I'm bust I don't have time to throw a pity party, which i am quite partial to lol. Besides the busier I am the faster time flies.
I also went back to school finally. I figure the busier I am, the less it hurts and faster time goes.
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  #42  
Old 11-04-2012, 07:04 PM
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Alot of the things that I do have already been said.

Communiciation- we tell each other everything

Letters and calls- I treasure them and look forward to them

plans and goals- we have made plans and goals. we look forward to life together and keeps us going

I have kids that keep me busy, I work full time, and I am going to school to get my healthcare services associates degree.. I just try not to think to hard and come here to hear other stories so I don't feel alone. My mom has been great and supports my relationship so that helps out alot too.
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  #43  
Old 12-06-2012, 10:26 PM
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The second time around is definitely different. We had to adapt to life after the after (postincarceration plans). Before I was in school and balancing work with the visits, letters, "I need you to..." and everything in between. When he went back, I had to find me again. I decided to work on my bucket list and it's been fun. It keeps me peaceful and he enjoys hearing about what I'm doing, though he wishes he were included, physically.

As far as our relationship, after his sentencing, I keep seeing phrases about not wondering what the grass looks like on the other side. Yours can be just as green, if you nurture it. So we've been working hard at nurturing what we've been building. Pruning (cutting out the people who walked away when all ... broke loose), watering (communicating better , using ears just as much as mouths---lots of fighting during the past 2 years), and seeding (preparing based on what did/didn't work when he came home).

Regardless of how long we've known each other, we're still a work in progress and growing together in this moment by moment.
I keep seeing phrases about not wondering what the grass looks like on the other side. Yours can be just as green, if you nurture it. So we've been working hard at nurturing what we've been building. Pruning (cutting out the people who walked away when all ... broke loose), watering (communicating better , using ears just as much as mouths---lots of fighting during the past 2 years), and seeding (preparing based on what did/didn't work when he came home).

Love this. Last week I was at at fork in the road because we wasn't watering our relationship...we were not communicating...and on my end the relationship was starting to wither...but after letting my emotions and the seriousness of my emotions become known...things are looking up. You are speaking truth.
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  #44  
Old 12-06-2012, 10:31 PM
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A few years ago I started a Gratitude Journal, where I consciously wrote down every day a few things I was grateful for in my life. Once I got going, it seemed there were just so many, many things big and small to be grateful for!

Since that time it has just become a thought pattern for me, and really has made a huge difference for me personally and professionally and for our marriage relationship as well.

My husband has always had a very joyful way of being in the world and even incarcerated he has kept that positive spirit. With me on the same wavelength, we seem to have uplifted ourselves together to a really good place. We always focus on the good things when we can. And then, when the bad things happen, and of course they do, we have a cushion to fall back on. It helps us remember that we CAN do this.

We have ten years down now with likely another eight to go. This way of being really helps us. We both also made a conscious choice NOT to live in dreams of the future only. We have so much time to do, that if we only thought of "someday" our lives would pass us by just waiting. So we make the best of THIS day and this situation, because it is our life together at this time.

I remember a few months ago when my husband told me he could see a bird nest through the tiny window in his cell. He watched the baby birds everyday, worried about them, saw them grow feathers, and then he was delighted when they flew away one day. We shared that small pleasure and it was good....even while we are apart physically, we try hard to stay connected emotionally.
I remember a few months ago when my husband told me he could see a bird nest through the tiny window in his cell. He watched the baby birds everyday, worried about them, saw them grow feathers, and then he was delighted when they flew away one day. We shared that small pleasure and it was good....even while we are apart physically, we try hard to stay connected emotionally

That was touching...it made me smile. Thank You for sharing.
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  #45  
Old 12-20-2012, 12:15 PM
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I write him daily and put as much on the phones as I can afford. Send him little I love you notes in the mail or his favorite is when I just sat down and traced my hand. Just on a plain notebook piece of paper and said, "When you are lonely and missing me, put your hand in mine." He said it was the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for him.

I also started going back to school to finish up my college degree for a better life for us when he gets home and I am bettering myself in other ways out here, staying sober.
I love this! What a sweet thought.
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Old 12-21-2012, 09:02 PM
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I write him daily and put as much on the phones as I can afford. Send him little I love you notes in the mail or his favorite is when I just sat down and traced my hand. Just on a plain notebook piece of paper and said, "When you are lonely and missing me, put your hand in mine." He said it was the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for him.

I also started going back to school to finish up my college degree for a better life for us when he gets home and I am bettering myself in other ways out here, staying sober.
that's a really cute idea! I'm having trouble staying strong out here, this is the first time I have been through this. My hubby has 2 years and 10 months left to go, and I just seems like an eternity. He has been gone since Sept 23, 2011. Please help me cope? I send him 5 letters a week, 3 calls a week, and 6 visits a month. WE have a 2 y/o son that goes to 4 of the 6 visits. I just lost my job, just seems like the holidays are the hardest.
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Old 01-01-2013, 04:00 AM
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wow, I needed to read some of that.

Sometimes, I get a little insecure and worried but I am always able to work through those by communicating those fears with him. Talking seems to be the best thing in the world. I have a busy life without him, so even though I miss him every moment, I don't have time for pity parties. Nor will I change my life because he is gone. I still have to work, be mommy, budget, clean, etc. This life is still OURS even though he is gone. We've decided that for us, being apart is a positive thing right now because it gives us the chance to build a more solid foundation *without the sexual stuff getting in the way.* We talk about our goals and dreams.. We agree and disagree. Most of all we love, and we never lose sight of that.
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Old 01-01-2013, 11:04 AM
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I tell him all my fears too! I am not working so it's just sit around and think about him being gone! I am cleaning the house alot and sorting through stuff, so i know what he needs before he gets out. I have been buying him razors and such as i get extra money so he has all he needs once out. I be a mommy and budget and clean too! Very true about being apart - my hubby and I are stronger than we ever have been. We are so in love. Thanks for your help!
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Old 01-01-2013, 11:29 AM
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What did I do to get through his incarceration? We wrote alot. For the first nine months, all we had were those letters. We always talked about our plans for when he would be home, how we would work it, where we'd be, etc. Our plans evolved somewhat over time, but all plans do. I was taking care of my daughter and eventually working from home. We made sure we had money for phone calls after those nine months and we got a phone in the house. Even if it was just to say goodnight and I love you, we talked. I don't want to say you get used to it, but we got into a routine and we knew his outdate. He had shots for parole that didn't pan out and we just kept it moving. Eventually he would be home...there was no doubt about that and I knew I would wait regardless of whether he got out early or not. We had our share of bumps, hurt, heartache and pain....we got through it together though. You have to be willing to let him in and share what you're going through. They need to feel included and the fact is he's a grown man. He can/should be able to deal with the issues you're dealing with on the outside. Because if your man is like mine, he'll know you're hiding something from him or that you're hurting the moment he reads your letter or gets on the phone with you.

This may not be helpful, but I just did it....when I reached the point of being tired and overwhelmed with everything prison related, he knew it and told me how important those letters were, how he needed them to get through his days. I made myself start writing and eventually it became something I looked forward to again. I knew I wanted my relationship with him regardless of where he was. So to me, dealing with him being locked up was just a part of that package. 6 months, 12 months, 18 months...it's just a drop in the bucket. Break the time up into smaller segments. Focus on the good things, not the long haul. Your man is coming home to you It's hard, but my last piece of advice is to not focus on all the what-if's of when he comes home. That will get here and things will play out how they will. Don't add that stress to yourself during an already stressful period.
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Old 01-01-2013, 02:46 PM
Onedaycloser13 Onedaycloser13 is offline
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In my experience is no matter how bad it gets is to communicate and never give up. If both parties are committed to always communicate and to evolve in your relationship and personally then no matter how hard it gets(and it may) you can come through it. As some have already said, do not focus on time and consequently him. Have a life and do for yourself and in that the best thing is do not focus on time that has passed or time that is to go. For me, I can not say the time has been easy on either of us, but I can say that through it all we have come through and we still talk to each other and are committed to trying when he comes home. I do not know what the future holds, but I can say that I am in the same place I would be with a person on the street..have had to same problems just a little more complicated.
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