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Husbands & Boyfriends in Prison For everyone who has a husband, boyfriend or male partner incarcerated.

View Poll Results: would you let your mate tke a year to do nothing?
yes why not 22 9.17%
no 3months maybe 51 21.25%
Heck NO! 148 61.67%
not a year but 6months 19 7.92%
Voters: 240. You may not vote on this poll

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  #51  
Old 09-08-2011, 09:15 PM
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I'm glad to have came accross this... I'm new to the incarcerated hubby scene and Marc mentioned taking a month or 2 to get to know our 4th child (son) that he hasn't been around for. It has def givin me things to think abt and ideas on boundaries to set...
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  #52  
Old 09-08-2011, 10:04 PM
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We just had this discussion today lol.. i actually told him yes, because hes been locked up for 18 years, but i also told him that he could cook, clean, take care of the kids and stuff like that. But we both agreed if we didnt have enough money saved up that he would start right to work, it was a mutual agreement.. He told me that other guys thats in his dorm wifes told them no, that they can go back home to their mother they wasnt a sugar mama, i told my baby whatever you choose i support and then we decided about the money thing.
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  #53  
Old 09-09-2011, 05:00 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nimuay
Not even a small chance of that happening! "Idle hands are the devil's playground" would be the second thing out of my mouth, right after "You effing want WHAT?
What you said!!!! My boo wants a job lined up before he comes home!!!! He is always "chillin" and he's tired of it. When we talk about chillin together in the future it's always "after work". I can agee with adjusting......but you can adjust while putting one foot in front of the other and looking for a JOB!!!!
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  #54  
Old 09-09-2011, 05:25 AM
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Honestly, I would see this as a big red flag that he has not gotten past the "I am the center of the universe" thinking that got most of our men where they are in the first place. I do understand the desire for a year of doing nothing - I would like that myself. But I am mature enough to know that bills need to be paid, kids need to be provided for and nurtured, and funds need to be put away for unexpected bumps in the road. My fiance is anxious to get to work as soon as he gets home, if possible, so he can begin to repay those who have helped support him throughout this long incarceration, as well as to let me have a break if I want one. I had to insist that he take the first month to adjust to life out here and regain some of his real-world social skills before jumping in with both feet. We have short-term, medium-term, and long-term plans, but revisit them all the time and make adjustments. We also have about 10 more years, but I just can't imagine him ever suggesting a year off, even as a joke. If he has ever had this thought, he has been smart enough not to share it with me; he would not enjoy my response.
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  #55  
Old 09-09-2011, 08:36 AM
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Originally Posted by cherry2013 View Post
hell yes i would he's goin through enough just being in there, i know us women are havin a heard time but i still feel like he needs time to adjust to
No man coming out of prison needs a year to adjust by doing nothing. A month or so is one thing but sitting by while expecting a woman to raise three children and he's doing nothing...not looking for work, not helping out financially with his offspring? I'm all for adjustment but a year of doing nothing is way out of bounds. I'm glad that she let him know it's not happenin'.
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  #56  
Old 09-09-2011, 08:42 AM
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Originally Posted by marcsbabyboo View Post
I'm glad to have came accross this... I'm new to the incarcerated hubby scene and Marc mentioned taking a month or 2 to get to know our 4th child (son) that he hasn't been around for. It has def givin me things to think abt and ideas on boundaries to set...
A month or two is perfectly reasonable.

Too many women are so caught up in pleasing their man and trying to be his all and everything that they forget that these guys still need expectations and boundaries. Allowing them to go from a routine to complete "do whatever you want" freedom is far more stressful to their transition IMO. Several people have already mentioned that idle hands are the devil's playground, workshop and tools. We cannot expect a thing from men we haven't set expectations for. I hate to see women get so caught up that they forget to be realistic. That honeymoon phase of sex and kissy face doesn't last forever.
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  #57  
Old 09-09-2011, 09:07 AM
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I find the idea of a man not WANTING to work for a year laughable! Especially when children are involved. When my ex came home, I was okay with him taking maybe a month or so to get re-adjusted but then I expected him to look for a freakin' job! Totally UNFAIR to me (and this is just ME) that I've been working and supporting you while you were in there and you don't wanna come out and do anything for me, financially! Unacceptable. I am just so over men who are OKAY with being supported by a female....it kinda makes me sick. Again, this is just ME though.

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  #58  
Old 09-09-2011, 09:40 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KingsWifey View Post
No man coming out of prison needs a year to adjust by doing nothing. A month or so is one thing but sitting by while expecting a woman to raise three children and he's doing nothing...not looking for work, not helping out financially with his offspring? I'm all for adjustment but a year of doing nothing is way out of bounds. I'm glad that she let him know it's not happenin'.
well i stand by what i said everybody sounds like they want to be the man in the relationship instead of seeing whats gonna happen when there man comes home, he hasnt even got home and its like your tellin him what to do and hes already being told what to do in jail
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  #59  
Old 09-09-2011, 09:43 AM
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Lmao girl u better tell just cause its called the free world dont mean its free. And there is no way u signing up for extra family duties for him to just come home and have none for a year. Readjustment is a must but that is trying to take advantage . If he needs,that time ask him y don't he go to a halfway hoUse . Bet he won't like that. He is crazy

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  #60  
Old 09-09-2011, 09:46 AM
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This is why i told him i do not want kids til after he gets out 8-) i wan't time for us and also to give him time to adjust and get the hang of things cause by the time he gets out he will have been in there for 9 years.
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  #61  
Old 09-09-2011, 09:53 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cherry2013 View Post
well i stand by what i said everybody sounds like they want to be the man in the relationship instead of seeing whats gonna happen when there man comes home, he hasnt even got home and its like your tellin him what to do and hes already being told what to do in jail
That is certainly your right to stand by what you said, just like I stand by what I say. These are grown men not kids in time out. I support and encourage my man but I do not baby him nor make excuses for being where he is. It's not meant to be a resort even if it doesn't do much by way of rehabilitation. There is no, "awww honey prison was so horrible..here, you lay back and chill for a long as you want...no responsibilities..I'm just going to keep doing it all." PULEEZE.

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he hasnt even got home and its like your tellin him what to do and hes already being told what to do in jail
There is a big difference in telling him "what to do" and laying down ground rules, setting boundaries and making expectations known. You can ask any professional with experience with inmate transition to the outside and they'll all tell you that it is difficult for someone to make the switch from being told 24 hrs a day what to do and when they can do it. Anyone thinking there are no residual affects of being institutionalized is fooling themselves. I for one do not believe in setting myself up for failure nor do I plan to baby a grown man. It's not about being the man. Letting your man be the man does not mean let him do whatever the heck he wants cuz he's the King. A King is only as successful and as strong as his Queen.
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  #62  
Old 09-09-2011, 09:58 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nimuay View Post
Not even a small chance of that happening! "Idle hands are the devil's playground" would be the second thing out of my mouth, right after "You effing want WHAT?
Amen to that one! There is no way on God's Green Earth! I have been busting my hump for all these years and you are going to take a year off? A year off from what????
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  #63  
Old 09-09-2011, 10:25 AM
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A year huh? No sir...My man has said that he wants to take a couple of weeks to relax and adjust that im OK with i told him straight up that when those 2wks are up i fully expect him to hit pavement and start helping with the bills. He made the comment that he doesn't want me to work when he gets home, my response was life isn't guaranteed we should work together so our kids can have a better life. No lounging on my watch lol... good luck
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  #64  
Old 09-09-2011, 10:47 AM
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My man gets out in 10 months, he has been in for 2 years already. We have talked about our time that we will spend together when he comes home.
His words " bby I'm going to spend the day I get out and a few days after....then looking for work that Monday!"
That gives us about 5 days together. I'm glad he wants to get back to fixing our lives the way it was before he went in, - the drinking I can't wait.....so a year off is out of the question!
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  #65  
Old 09-09-2011, 10:52 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by futuremrzC
O goodness here goes another thread lol. Well Von & Myself have discussed our future together on many occasions from careers to how many children we will have. Von wants me to birth 2kids while he is still incarcerated and 1 more when he comes home. He ALSO wants to take a year to himself to relax and do nothing and readjust to outside life. My problem with this is with me supposedly havin all these kids you want to stay home all whole year doing nothing WTF!? I could deal with a few months of him lounging around but a YEAR no way I refuse to bust my ass working and payn bills while he's chills and does nothing !

Would you let your man tke a year to "readjust" ?
He would have to take care of home and the kids if that was the case. It's no way he just going to be lounging period!
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  #66  
Old 09-09-2011, 11:16 AM
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The thing that gets me with this question, is the idea that it's not going to take days, or weeks or months or even a year to get a job. The economy sucks, unless he's in a very highly specilized or skilled trade, it's not like any job out there is just his for the taking whenever he wants it. There are some felons who get out and are able to get a job right away, but they tend to be the exception rather than the rule.

Frankie's a brick layer. He also gets out in January. Let's face it, there's not a ton of bricklaying jobs or construction jobs in general going on in January. I'm already prepared for him not to be working full time until the spring because of the nature of his work.

Realistically, your man's probably going to have some "time off" because just looking for work may be a long process in and of itself. But to not look at all,would cause me to feel disrespected, like he doesn't appreciate all I've done to hold him down, he wants more of the same post-prison. I couldn't handle that. It's not a matter of control, but of respect.
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  #67  
Old 09-09-2011, 01:23 PM
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Lol you already had a year or more to semi relax.. time to get on your grind asap.. bills still gotta get paid.
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  #68  
Old 09-09-2011, 03:18 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mel.s View Post
Hell nooooo......I been doing everything by myself from supporting the kids to paying bills. he has been on a vacation why should he get even more time off
LOL!!!Mel.S, well said girl. I was thinking the same thing.
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Old 09-09-2011, 03:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cherry2013 View Post
and i dont see jail as a vacation
It's really not. I personally would choose 2 be free n have 2 work everyday n raise children as a single mother n go thru all the difficult times out here in the free world then 2 be stuck in a tiny cell or a big dorm, constantly watching my back, eating nasty food, hoping someone on the outside loves me enough 2 sacrifice some of their hard earned money 2 send me a package or put money on my commisary, having 2 get up, shower n take a shit when I'm told 2 do so, having 2 wear the same clothes everyday, not being able 2 be there when my loved ones need me, not being able 2 watch my kids grow up or cheer 4 them at their games, getting a letter saying my mother or other family member passed away, wishing I could be there 4 them when they are sick or being able 2 say goodbye when they're on their death bed, wondering if I'm ever gonna make it out, etc., etc., etc. Hell no jail/prison aint no vacation.. Maybe 4 those who like it in there n keep going back it is.. But that doesn't apply 2 all of us.
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Old 09-10-2011, 04:09 PM
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My husband and I already talked about this. As soon as he gets to the halfway house, he is expected to get a job (both by the hwh and by me). I've been supporting him going on 2 years now and I refuse to do it when he's out. He needs to help me. So he will get out, get a job and get into a healthy routine right away.
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  #71  
Old 09-10-2011, 06:08 PM
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Don't y'all think the pressure forced on them to get a job and adjust to life immediately, after being locked up for years; will push them away?
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Old 09-10-2011, 06:18 PM
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My husband wants to be a productive member of society. I agree with him that he needs to get a job right away. Besides, the reality of life is that bills need to be paid and when they are not, stress and pressure increases, in which case he may decide to go back to the old lifestyle in order to meet his obligations. I would rather put him on the right path right out of prison. Besides the pressure and stress I deal with on a daily basis has not pushed ME away, so if he can't handle the pressure of working every day, I would not have very much sympathy to be honest. Life is life and it won't stop just because he gets out of prison. He will need to adapt. JMO.
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Old 09-10-2011, 06:23 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Amecia
My husband wants to be a productive member of society. I agree with him that he needs to get a job right away. Besides, the reality of life is that bills need to be paid and when they are not, stress and pressure increases, in which case he may decide to go back to the old lifestyle in order to meet his obligations. I would rather put him on the right path right out of prison. Besides the pressure and stress I deal with on a daily basis has not pushed ME away, so if he can't handle the pressure of working every day, I would not have very much sympathy to be honest. Life is life and it won't stop just because he gets out of prison. He will need to adapt. JMO.
Understood. Agreed also. I know it can be hard. Not saying he doesn't want to, but him being pressured when he's trying. That's what I meant.
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Old 09-10-2011, 06:33 PM
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Understood. Agreed also. I know it can be hard. Not saying he doesn't want to, but him being pressured when he's trying. That's what I meant.
Well I would (and always have) give him credit for trying. But if he wanted to sit at home and do nothing, not even trying to find a job, it wouldn't sit well with me. If he's trying but can't find anything (and we have been in this situation before), I wouldn't pressure him. I would simply acknowledge his efforts.
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Old 09-10-2011, 06:42 PM
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If he wanted to lay around and do nothing-HELL NO!!

To me, that means-not watching the kids, cleaning the house, taking care of: the dogs, grocery shopping, cooking, errands, yard work, keeping the cars up etc. There is a difference between doing nothing and being a stay at home Dad. When my husband was home, he did all of the above and then some. He is Mr. Mary Poppins/Mr. Mom/Father Goose all in one! Cooking, baking, shopping, cleaning, taking car of the cars etc, he did it all even though he was in the streets. Now that we are older and the streets would not be in the equation, I would be ok with it especially if we had a child after he came home. Women are stay at home Mom's and nobody ever says they don't work, are lazy etc. Except for when they stay at home and do nothing and the man comes home after a day of work and the breakfast dishes are still in the sink, house a mess, no dinner etc. I know for us, that would not be the case. I would give him time to adjust, us to plan what type of business we would start together, and yes he would still be looking for a job-GOD willing we get him home, he has been in 14 years so far ( which I never thought of prison as a 'vacation'), I am not crazy enough to think he will walk out and land a job in a few days. So him being home and productive, would take a ton of things off my shoulders. But that is just us. He might be at home, but he sure would not be doing nothing!

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