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Met While Incarcerated Were you introduced by a friend or family member after he/she was incarcerated? Did you meet as Pen Pals? This Forum is for you!

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  #76  
Old 01-11-2008, 02:51 AM
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I think part of the issue has to do with the question: Why would a woman deliberately pursue a relationship with a man she knew was an inmate? Now, sometimes, like Miss Patty and Sebastian, or the ladies who wrote an inmate for a different reason, or met a friend of a friend, a guy who happened to be an inmate kind of dropped into their laps, so that's a separate category. I think a woman who is lonely (and honest enough with herself to admit she is seeking love, not friendship or "reaching out in kindness"), and decides that a good way to find it is by writing to prisoners to see what turns up, could very possibly be dealing with some of the issues mentioned in the thread. I'm not being judgmental- it may be a perfect solution for some people. That correspondence could bring some real joy and excitement into their lives, even if a life together is never meant to be. But you can't blame people who wonder about those who want to marry everyone from Scott Peterson to the Night Stalker. There is definitely a disturbing and unhealthy element to some situatons. That reality can't be discounted even though it doesn't apply to everyone by any means. I think it was a legitimate topic for discussion, though possbly worded a little offensively.
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  #77  
Old 01-11-2008, 03:17 AM
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I don't think any of those things are true!! Actually I know they aren't. The reason why is because I met the love of my life while a CO where he was at!!! I have great self esteem and i am a beautiful woman so no one can tell me those things!!!
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  #78  
Old 01-11-2008, 11:05 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GabesGirl
I've learned in life that there are three different types of nay-sayers: those who are scared/worried/concerned, those who are ignorent and those who are simple being cruel. A lot of times I encounter a mix of the three in people who lash out at me for decisions that I make in life, but for the most part I think people turn all negative and mean for those three main reasons. The question, "How do you know he isn't going to leave you when he gets out?" sounds like concern, even if whomever's asking is asking with a nasty attitude. Whomever asks such a quesiton needs to remember that all relationships have risk involved. "Once a person is sick they are always sick", sounds like ignorence and close-mindedness to me. I've seen many people turn their lives around and I will always believe in redemption, second chances, faith and hope. Without all that life isn't really worth living. You say you never meant to fall in love with your man...some of the best relationships I've ever wittnessed have happened when neither person was expecting to fall in love. You don't owe the world an explanation for how you feel and loving your man is not a bad thing. I think it's beautiful. Take care, and don't let the nay-sayers make you feel bad.

Thanks for the advice. Being in a relationship is hard enough but adding what others have to say really gets in the way. The other day someone said to me that him and I being together isn't really real. I was like how is it not real, I mean I have feelings for him. I love him. I can feel his love for me. His responce was, does it have to be physical to be real? Can't I love you with my heart and soul? I thought that was wonderful. I guess you can say, unless the others have been there done that, they are always going to talk. Let'em. I'm happier then I have ever been and I love my PRISONER!
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  #79  
Old 01-12-2008, 01:51 AM
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I think that most women are confortable wen there man is lockup because they know where they are at but all the time but just becuase he is lock up does not mean he is true to u I had more then one friend that though there man was all true to them intill they visit and found out they had other girls visit to to some guy there it is a game I had enough guy friends in prison who have told me the same thing it is just hard to trast a men no matter where he is at in side or out I see to many of my friends hurt by guys in there. and when they get out they are a totel diffrent person so girls beware and dont but all your hareat in to it
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  #80  
Old 01-12-2008, 08:56 PM
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"How do you know he isn't going to leave you when he gets out?"

to answer that question
straight up
I treat him like gold while he's in there- and he knows damn well where his bread is buttered and whose buttering it-

he'd be foolish to leave the woman who takes care of him the way I do.
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  #81  
Old 01-12-2008, 10:35 PM
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Here's the real reason behind a woman's MWI relationship:

A woman becomes involved in a MWI relationship because she wants to do so.

A woman, after a failed MWI relationship, becomes involved in another MWI relationship because she wants to do so.

If a woman has no interest in a MWI relationship, she will not enter into one because she chooses not to do so.

See how simple things can be if we just allow them to be simple. Forget all the psychology, we do most things because we want to and don't do the things we don't want to do. Simple.
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  #82  
Old 01-12-2008, 11:11 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wabbit
Here's the real reason behind a woman's MWI relationship:

A woman becomes involved in a MWI relationship because she wants to do so.

A woman, after a failed MWI relationship, becomes involved in another MWI relationship because she wants to do so.

If a woman has no interest in a MWI relationship, she will not enter into one because she chooses not to do so.

See how simple things can be if we just allow them to be simple. Forget all the psychology, we do most things because we want to and don't do the things we don't want to do. Simple.
Exactly!!
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  #83  
Old 01-13-2008, 10:24 AM
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This was interesting, I am a person who is in a MWI relationship. Met through a good friend. Has turned out great. He will be home in appx 2 months. And we have been writing for 5 years now and have been in love a little over 1 year. I do not have low self esteem and I am no kid and I always keep my eyes and ears open wide. So we will just see how this relationships plays out. I am thinking positive, and his family loves me too, so I think I am in good shape. Everyone is different.
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  #84  
Old 01-13-2008, 12:28 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tbrizing

1. Do you think women who met their men while he was incarcerated, is less attractive than the average woman?
No

Quote:
2. Do you think that a woman who writes to a man as a penpal has low self esteem and is searching for trouble? Why would any human take the time and write to a man while he's incarcerated?
No, and maybe they saw a quaility they found attractive ? I dunno

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3. What about the women who met their men from that accidental phone call. Why would you accept a call from a man who is in prison when we all know the games that inmates play with the phone?
No, I don't have money to waste on someone I don't know.
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  #85  
Old 01-13-2008, 04:39 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rox73

My belief is that if people have unresolved issues in their past and they drag it into a new relationship things will eventually fall apart. The question will be, will the founation be strong enough to work through it?

Self-esteem always has something to do with how relationships work out, inside and outside of prison. Women who get involved with inmates may fit a profile of some sort - just like women who get involved with rich men fit a profile of some sort (just speaking generally here).

But the question - women in prison relationships have low self esteem? I would have to say yes they do. But I also think most people have self-esteem problems in all walks of life... no one goes through life without those problems. It just depends on how people handle those problems how the relationship plays out... does the problematic partner lean on his SO and rely on him/her to SOLVE the problems? Or be a band-aid on those problems? If that's the case, the relationship is doomed from the start. Inside AND outside of prison.

What I don't get is why it's such a no-no to admit to self-esteem problems... everyone has them to some extent. What's so difficult to admit? And why are so many people in denial about it? Life would be just perfect if we could all find someone without problems... and that's actually what some people expect and LOOK for - and of course they will never ever find it... because it doesn't exist. Everyone has a past - everyone has some baggage. It always boils down to how that baggage is dealt with - it's not really a question about whether that baggage exists or not (it certainly does exist).

Personally I wouldn't even want to be with someone "problem- or past free". That means no life experience and no experience means no maturity and life would simply be BORING with a person like that.
I agree with you, Rox, that if anyone has an unresolved issue from their past, and they drag it into the new relationship, it can take a toll on both parties and things can fall apart. I've had that experience before and I learned how important it is to work on yourself and your issues and not depend entirely on your boyfriend/husband/girlfriend/wife to solve it for you. They can give you support while you're working through the issue, but to expect them to solve it all is draining and unfair to them. I agree with you that this can happen in any relationships, on the inside or the outside, it can be in a MWI relationship or just a relationship period. It's how you deal with the issue, that's the main question.

And yes, many people, nearly everyone struggle with self-esteem at one point in their lives, Although these struggles are painful, they can be a spring board to providing experience, growth, and maturity as you pointed out.]

I just think it is unfair to assume that women in MWI relationships have low self-esteem. It's a huge generalization and it doesn't take into account the diverse experiences of women involved in these type of relationships. If anything, I believe it takes a special type of woman with strength to remain with a man while he's on the inside. It depends on the woman, and each experience is individual and this should be carefully considered.
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  #86  
Old 01-16-2008, 04:44 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Suthrndreamgirl
I agree with you. I can see how some may feel this type of relationship as "safer" in that sense.
Oh, & thank you very much by the way...not to sound "pathetic" (as some may think) by agreeing with you about my man's "looks"...but he is a hottie, isn't he! Let me assure you...He's just as beautiful on the inside, as he is on the outside.
Im actually on a real computer today.Very nice looking guy.. Ok id better stop before i get accused of being shallow in here,wouldnt want that,lol
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  #87  
Old 01-16-2008, 04:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rox73
Who DOESN'T have low self-esteem at some point in their life, relationship or not? It comes and goes for me at least....

So yeah, I guess you could say that I have low self-esteem sometimes, but not all the time.

I just don't know what that's supposed to prove though.
I think people think or assume that if you have low self esteem you ARENT attractive.Probobally some of the most messed up people are probobally very attractive people but no one stops to think if THEY have issues.. Ive got every issue in the book but I DONT consider myself to be unattractive either.We all have issues.
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  #88  
Old 02-10-2008, 03:47 PM
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My Self Esteem Is High, I Never Had Problems Getting A Man, And I Never Had Problems Meeting Any Men, Not All Women Who Meet There Men Through A Website Are Stupid, Unemployed And Silly Whatever, But It Is Getting Ridiculous, When People Judge You Or Your Lifestyle Or Your Bank Balance On Who Your Partner Is
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  #89  
Old 02-12-2008, 05:08 AM
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i think very highly of myself frst a lil to much at times but i met the love of my life while he is in jail we met by him dailing a wrong number lol he had a cellphone and he was looking for someone else called me 2 weeks later and it started from there but anywayz when we first started talking i did not know he was in jail i thought he was just out of town i called him whenever and so forth so it was just like meeting someone who was on the street really the only diffrence was i didnt see him straight off how do anyone knows if a man they meet in a club ,church, mall etc. is really real and if you stop and talk do you have a low self esteem honestly girlfriends of mine had men they met out on the street and then they went to jail and got hurt you never know people who spend so much time commenting on other friendships or relationships are usually the ones with all the issues thats just my take !!!
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  #90  
Old 02-12-2008, 06:06 AM
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Coming back to this topic I have a few more thoughts.

I don't think it's necessarily low self-esteem that MWI's have in common. What I DO think many of us have in common is that we feel like we have to do everything in such a hurry. We are so QUICK falling in love, sometimes there is this big hurry to get married... many times IN prison even though the inmate is getting out in just a few years, hurry professing our endless love and devotion... sometimes even before we see them face to face, hurry rejecting families and friends when they don't approve, quickly jumping to the conclusion that this is FOREVER, planning to have babies with them fresh out of prison... doesn't seem to matter that having kids (along with money issues) is the number one reason for divorce... and adding post-release issues to the mix? The pressure of a live-in relationship? How realistic is that? .... and the list goes on. Most of these things SHOULD be thought about carefully... we're talking about huge life decisions here.

The "hurry factor" - that's what I think is very common with MWI's. The excitement is sometimes sooooo extreme and so intense... much more than the "normal" excitement of a new outside-relationship.

Rash decisions with little or no thought/evaluation. I see that a lot around here.

It does make me wonder sometimes.

(be gentle!!! )
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  #91  
Old 02-12-2008, 10:04 AM
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I've read a few of the posts here ( i need to be getting read for work - ha! ) and some of you make very good, valid points. I'll be the first to admit, I do NOT always have the highest self-esteem, but it's not that I don't find myself worthy of a real relationship without fences! I have been in a few serious ones which failed for whatever reason. I don't feel I was "seeking love" when a friend asked me to write to my (now) fiance. I had written to many inmates before (and still do) but never developed feelings for any of them... and some of them laid on the sweet talk to see what they could get from me. THOSE I sent packing, quickly! My fiance and I have known one another for 4 years, we've met in person and YES we do plan to marry. I don't feel it's being rushed though. I will be honest and say YES, we're doing this while he's in so he can (hopefully) get his post-release probation transferred to my home state. Otherwise, he'll be in a shelter in NC all alone. I don't want that to happen to him. He wants/needs to be here with family and people who love him. That's just my 2 cents!

Oh and I totally agree w/ the poster who said "it's simple" - we all do things b/c we either want to or do not do them b/c we do not want to - simple enough for me!!!
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Old 02-12-2008, 03:56 PM
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I am going to venture to say from what I've seen on here is maybe its part self esteem issues but a lot of wanting to feel in control.If thats not the case then why dont you answer an ad on match.com??I am just basing this on posts i've read on here and by what i've come across.Obsessive relationships and behaviors come to mind.Ive had wackos email trying to find out stuff about who my guy is and I still get strange emails too not sure why I"M being singled out.But then again its the internet and the internet attracts obsessive crazy people.Im not saying ALL pto women are obsessive and needy but i've formed my opinion by posts i've read and strange emails i've gotten from members I dont even know.I truly think a lot of prison relationships ARENT healthy and water seeks its own level.A totally healthy together person chances are wont be interested in a prisoner but then again I question MY own motives and WHY i chose to answer a penpal ad.Sure there are always exceptions but we choose who we DO choose for a reason.I know I am a controlling person and i've been told this many times so i'm not putting anyone down I just notice a lot of things in myself and what I need to work on in my own life when i read posts in here.I refuse to let a prison relationship rule my life and its sad when i see it cause I could have easily done it but i wont.My life and my goals ALWAYS come first.
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Old 02-12-2008, 07:16 PM
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i like your honesty when you talk about yourself and what you want to change in yourself
Quote:
Originally Posted by ILoveLeo
I am going to venture to say from what I've seen on here is maybe its part self esteem issues but a lot of wanting to feel in control.If thats not the case then why dont you answer an ad on match.com??I am just basing this on posts i've read on here and by what i've come across.Obsessive relationships and behaviors come to mind.Ive had wackos email trying to find out stuff about who my guy is and I still get strange emails too not sure why I"M being singled out.But then again its the internet and the internet attracts obsessive crazy people.Im not saying ALL pto women are obsessive and needy but i've formed my opinion by posts i've read and strange emails i've gotten from members I dont even know.I truly think a lot of prison relationships ARENT healthy and water seeks its own level.A totally healthy together person chances are wont be interested in a prisoner but then again I question MY own motives and WHY i chose to answer a penpal ad.Sure there are always exceptions but we choose who we DO choose for a reason.I know I am a controlling person and i've been told this many times so i'm not putting anyone down I just notice a lot of things in myself and what I need to work on in my own life when i read posts in here.I refuse to let a prison relationship rule my life and its sad when i see it cause I could have easily done it but i wont.My life and my goals ALWAYS come first.
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  #94  
Old 02-13-2008, 09:34 PM
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Hi roche how are you doing??Ok i DO also have a bit of an obsessive personality but I try and direct that in a more positive direction.Thanks....IM glad to see ya ,hugs
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Old 02-14-2008, 09:03 AM
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I absoultly dont thini mwi's have low self esteem. I was also a co, and I feel in love with an inmate. Not bc I cant find one outside the gates, but men that are locked up can be so compassionate. Some are really good guys that simply made a mistake. I love him so much. I just qiut 2 weeks ago and dont really know whats gonna happen. i dont even know if i can get on his visit list. Anyway thats way off the point, but no i know for a fact that they dont have low sel esteem, there just really open minded, forgiving women.
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Old 02-14-2008, 10:45 AM
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iloveleo,waving back. i'm doing ok...posting mostly now in the forum<when it is over> ah!
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  #97  
Old 02-14-2008, 08:50 PM
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Old 02-16-2008, 04:58 PM
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Jason my miracle -- " I think anyone, woman or man, that takes the time to write to inmates is showing that they have compassion and understanding for others. I think you have to have pretty high self-esteem to be able to step outside your world in order to make someone else's life a little more pleasant. I don't see it as asking for trouble either. "

This is the way i see it :-) I met my man whilst being incarcerated, i don't have a problem with my self esteem, i look after myself, work out, look after my appearance and had no trouble getting men on the outside. I'm not being modest i'm being truthfull
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