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Husbands & Boyfriends in Prison For everyone who has a husband, boyfriend or male partner incarcerated.

View Poll Results: How do you cope (outside PTO and your relationship with your prisoner)
I've statred college 158 24.16%
I work two jobs now 124 18.96%
I go to church and/or pray a lot more 174 26.61%
I spend more time with the kids 248 37.92%
I go out with friends 177 27.06%
I kick it with guy friends (sex not necessarily included) 30 4.59%
I lay in bed and cry most of the time 143 21.87%
I use drugs and alcohol to numb the pain 57 8.72%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 654. You may not vote on this poll

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  #1  
Old 03-08-2005, 12:17 PM
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one_luv one_luv is offline
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Default How do you cope while he is incarcerated?

I often see posts on here asking us how we cope with the seperation and waiting for them to come home.
I was curious, how do ya'all cope with the time apart, the loss of income and everything else that comes with loving a prisoner? How do you make it better (excluding your relationship with him and being on PTO)?
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Old 03-08-2005, 12:38 PM
babygirl350 babygirl350 is offline
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I voted I go out with friends. However, I also work alot of hours. I work anywhere from 48-88hrs a week. This keeps my focus off my husband and on my job. I spend enough time worrying and concerned about him through letters, phone calls and visits. I also have one hour commute time that I am usually focusing on him.

It is really a challenge though when I am not working to keep my mind off of him or the situation we are in right now. I just want it to end. As I know we all do.

For me it doesn't get any easier. I just take one day at a time is about as good as it gets.

Good luck to all of us in coping, which ever way works best for us. We are all individuals and what works for one, might not work for another.
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Old 03-08-2005, 12:48 PM
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I raise three children and am very involved in their lives. I also am very involved in the community and the church in my area including charities. I also work full time. A lot of my married friends ask me where I find the energy and if they only knew this is the only way I can exhaust myself and keep myself busy from going insane. I have also redefined our relationship and what love is -love is spiritual and emotional now for both of us that is what we have today and if one day by the grace of God we can add the physcial day to day life back into it that would be beautiful; but for now you take what you can get, letters, encouragement, an embrace and a hug once a week. We are in this until the end - We meant until death do us part.
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Old 03-08-2005, 12:52 PM
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I think we have no choice but to learn to cope. I have children and I have to keep it together for them.

I have realized that I can sit and bed and be depressed all I want, but that is not going to bring him home any sooner, and it only ends up making me miserable, so I deal
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Old 03-08-2005, 02:25 PM
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Well,

I have a full time job , three sons who I am very busy with I go home to NYC about every other weekend. When I am not in NYC i catch up on housework. Spend time with the boys. I go out with friends. I just deal...I use to wait for phone calls, letters every day. Not any more life is too short to be waiting around. Life is not going to pass me by.

I dont cry anymore....I enjoy living. I agree with Jeff's Princess I can sit at home all day depressed and worry but that is not going to pay the bills or take care of my sons.

Every day that passes is a day closer to him coming home.
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Old 03-08-2005, 02:29 PM
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yes, there's lots of stuff to do. I work nights and I choose my own schedule so during the day I am up early and go to bed late, which enables me to sit on PTO

one day at a time. I wouldn't want to take two at a time cos there's lots I don't want to miss with the rest of the world out here. he'll be back home eventually.
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Old 03-08-2005, 03:14 PM
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i have a child that holds a lot of my time and attention. i am also focusing on establishing a better career, and i hang out with friends in between that time. i also focus more on prayer and trying to build a stronger relationship with God. I know Hes the only one who will get me thru these hard times and I am always asking for His guidance and stregnth.
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Old 03-08-2005, 03:53 PM
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I keep myself busy with work and school. I've got two jobs, so I don't have very much extra time. I go out with friends, and I spend a lot of time praying about everything. I've found that putting more time into my spiritual life makes it easier. This usually keeps the depression at bay. However, when it does come, I let it. I look at the situation, and I realize that there would be something wrong if I didn't get sad from time to time. I would really have to ask myself what our relationship was based on if I didn't miss him and want him home. I've also found that talking to him about it helps. When I'm sad and missing him, I let him know. It strengthens our bond.
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Old 03-08-2005, 04:19 PM
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I have started going out with my girls and I work full time and go to school full time so I stay pretty busy but I do get depressed alot of the time I just try to keep my mind on other things so I don't stress as bad
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Old 03-08-2005, 04:20 PM
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I just live day to day and know that they cant keep him forever. I hang out with friends, work, cry, and write him lots. Some days are easier then others but none of them real easy. I just try to know in my heart he will be home soon.
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Old 03-08-2005, 04:26 PM
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When he first left I went into a major depression for three years didn't do much during that time yeah I had a job which kept me busy but the most part I just sat in my room and didn't talk to anyone. Now 8 years later I worked 2 jobs for 2 1/2 years about 90 hours a week and I didn't have time to think. I don't have children to keep me busy so I work and work and work. I also have a great support system now I didn't then. I try not to think about it I guess him being gone I just talk to him as if he is right there sounds crazy I know maybe I am but that's what he loves about me my crazy ways!
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Old 03-08-2005, 04:46 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by love&misshim
I realize that there would be something wrong if I didn't get sad from time to time.....I've also found that talking to him about it helps. When I'm sad and missing him, I let him know.
This is an important point....I think many women in our situation feel they have to "put up a good front", so as not to drag their men down. I disagree; I feel it's only fair that he know just how hard it is to be apart from him. Last night, I wrote a very sad letter, telling him how I had cried earlier in the day....then I listed some of the reasons WHY I cried...

Because of all the pain weíve both been through in our lives.
Because I miss my daughter.
Because I want them to help you, and for whatever reason, they arenít.
Because itís really late, and Iím incredibly tired.
Because I may never be able to call out to you at night, ďHoney, come to bedÖĒ
Because youíve been punished enough.
Because my Mom canít get on a plane and come see me.
Because the house still isnít done yet.
Because itís cold tonight, and I want you here to put your arms around me.
Because your Dad wonít be visiting you anytime soon.
Because no matter how much I work out, I havenít lost more weight.
Because the other phone number isnít approved so we can talk more.
Because summer is coming, with all the things I dream of doing with you.
Because we are at the mercy of people who donít care.


I'm feeling better today, so I wrote a "happy" letter to offset the sad one. Still, I think it's important that we are honest with our men about just how difficult this life is...no matter HOW well we "cope" on the surface.
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Old 03-08-2005, 04:49 PM
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Keeping yourself busy is my motto for making the time he has left seem to go faster! I go to college, spend even more time with the kids (without suffocating them) and i tend to pray MORE for strength to get me through it.
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Old 03-08-2005, 06:01 PM
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My family and friend help me cope. I do find that I am praying awhole lot more, Prayer has always been apart of my life, but not its an even bigger part. It is good to have a good friend that is going thru what you are going thru that way they will understand how you feel and yall can hang out and keep each other busy when your feeling down.
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Old 03-08-2005, 06:07 PM
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I didn't vote because it's none of the above.
I do work a fulltime job and have a 3 year old son, i usually work some overtime, but not to cope, just need the money.
I really don't do anything. I sleep whenever I can, I write to him, talk to him. i think i'm a fairly busy person, but i only do everything because i have to as far as work, my son, errands, etc.
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Old 03-08-2005, 06:17 PM
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I spend time with friends (family doesn't know about him yet) and I have started college but not to cope, just to have something different to do and make a difference in my life in the future. But coping with him and prison life, I have friends who support me and PTO.
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Old 03-09-2005, 12:09 PM
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I would definitely have to say keeping myself busy has really helped the last couple of months go by pretty fast. I have a full time job and I definitely cherish my weekends to relax, go out with my friends, and visit my boyfriend. Also, I just got a new puppy so that is kinda like having a baby to me lol . Oh, and setting future goals for myself like moving out of my parents house next year and planning a nice vacation with friends during the summer are two more things that make me determined to look toward the future.
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Old 03-09-2005, 05:58 PM
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I keep pretty busy with my 4yr old when I'm not at work or school. We write each other EVERY DAY, that's our rule. I have pictures of him everywhere. I'm suprised I don't have his pics in the bathrooms! I have to admit, when my daughter's not home, it's very hard to cope. The house is just TOO empty with all of my babies gone. That's when I turn to my friends to either talk about him or just talk about anything to distract me. My parents keep my daughter overnight every Saturday, so that's my night to unwind. I go out with the girls and that is probably the one night of the week where I feel totally relaxed and don't feel a drop of sadness. That is, until I go to the empty house again! That's when you pull out the old letters and fall asleep reading them.
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Old 03-10-2005, 06:52 AM
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i DIDNT SEEM MY ANSWER LISTED SO I DIDNT VOTE. i DO ALOT OF VOLUNTEER WORK, IN A LOT OF DIFFERRNT PLACES, TRYING TO GIVE BACK AT LEAST A LITTLE TO THE WORLD. i HAVE BEEN SO BLESSED THRU OUT MY LIFE...
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Old 03-10-2005, 09:13 AM
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Have a 10 yr old girl who thinks she is 25, and a 5 year old boy that thinks he is Evil Kneevil (sp?), that keeps me pretty busy.

Aside from the day-to-day stuff, I have also started my own business, one that he wants to take over running once he gets home.
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Old 03-10-2005, 10:37 AM
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I spend a lot of time with my son, going to or renting movies and my husband calls me everyday. Then I have my sister in Texas and we stay on the phone...my girlfriends in Atlanta, etc. Work Monday-Friday from 8am -4:30pm, home by 6pm...cook dinner, watch a bit of tv, get my daily phone call, shower, and in bed by 11pm...up again by 6am.

On the weekends I am running errands, cleaning house and church on Sunday. It may not be glamourous, but I am taking care of business...too busy to run the streets! LOL Not to mention, I dont have the energy! LOL

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Old 03-10-2005, 11:00 PM
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I work, work, work. We have a 10 month old son, a 7 yr old girl and a 15 yr old girl. I live with my parents now, we moved right before he had to go in, so they help with the children. I work anywhere from 50-70 hours a week. Other than work I spend the rest of the time visiting him twice a week, 3 hour ride one way, and spending time with our kids. I try not to give myself time to dwell on our situation to much. I focus myself on preparing our lives for when he comes home to us. Which couldn't be soon enough.
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Old 05-17-2005, 09:43 PM
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Default The time has changed how I cope

He has now been in almost 2.5 years. When he first got put in I did lay around and cry all the time. Dont get me wrong I still have my monments when I do cry. But I have learned that getting out of the house and doing things helps the time go by. But late at night when it is just me in the bed that is when I start missing him the most.

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Old 05-17-2005, 09:45 PM
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When Coy first got locked up, I got depressed and felt sorry for myself for a couple of weeks. I cried a lot, drank too much, just had a major pity party. Then one night, after a few beers, i was crying on our bed that without him, i didn't have anything or some such thing. Well, my daughter and step daughter were there and they came in and asked, what about them? And I realized feeling sorry for myself wasn't helping anything. That I had to get thru this for them. They were hurting too. So I got my head straight.

Now I work a lot of hours at my job, then I also have an ebay site that I list some stuff on to make extra money. I have to, we have a house payment, car payment, and everything else. I'm working hard to keep things together until he gets home. Our daughter is wonderful and she's a big help. I have some friends that are very supportive and here for us and my in-laws are the world's greatest.

And of course, I have our visits and letters to keep me going. Every day is one day closer to him coming home and I just try to hold onto that. I think working a lot helps keep my mind off missing him too. Its hard to be at home without him, especially at night or if I'm home by myself.
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Old 05-17-2005, 10:01 PM
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This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through I work alot, My oldest Daughter is a cheerleader so that keeps me real busy and my 4 yr old is 8 hands full and my son plays ever sport he can get into so that keeps me busy . and I travel alot to see friends and to see him so i barely get enough sleep . But the letters and phone calls keep me sane and lol I play the sims alot and that helps me with that family togetherness sounds crazy I know but its fun anyway
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