Welcome to the Prison Talk Online Community! Take a Minute and Sign Up Today!






Go Back   Prison Talk > FOR FAMILY & FRIENDS > Parents with Children in Prison
Register Entertainment FAQ Calendar Mark Forums Read

Parents with Children in Prison For the parents of prisoners

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 09-18-2017, 08:32 PM
Subie24 Subie24 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: NJ USA
Posts: 135
Thanks: 454
Thanked 225 Times in 71 Posts
Default Another Round... Son Back in Jail.

I have been here before; over the past few years. My son is in jail again, in another state. He should be getting released in about a month...we will see. This time is a little different but it also is the same. It's been a decade of this crap - in and out of jail, rehab, etc. Paying for things (fines, bail, bills,etc)...this last round was the result of a long round of nonsense. He OD'd, etc. His PO violated him....he found his way to a rehab and seemed to be doing ok....actually working the program...got into a sober living situation, found a job...and then went to his scheduled probation and was violated from before....sent to another state, went before the judge and then sentenced. Not horribly long (months, not years) but this has been a decade and many tens of thousands of dollars..l I'm done. I am just not as supportive as I had been before. I've been lurking here but haven't posted this round because I don't want to help anymore. I have done a little but it feels like too much. I put a little on his commissary and Jpay each month but that's it. Not each week like I see people saying they do. He needs to get it - he is saying that he does but to me, the proof will be when he's out. And I don't know if I believe him or trust him. He needs to figure this out - if he chooses this life, he will have to live it without a jail mom. This just sucks.
Reply With Quote
The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to Subie24 For This Useful Post:
a.rare.love (10-09-2017), DisneyFan (09-25-2017), dtmom2013 (10-06-2017), fbopnomore (09-19-2017), lizlizzie2 (09-19-2017), sidewalker (09-19-2017), trauma4us (09-21-2017), xolady (09-20-2017)
Sponsored Links
  #2  
Old 09-18-2017, 10:01 PM
GaReform GaReform is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 717
Thanks: 407
Thanked 1,161 Times in 476 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Subie24 View Post
I have been here before; over the past few years. My son is in jail again, in another state. He should be getting released in about a month...we will see. This time is a little different but it also is the same. It's been a decade of this crap - in and out of jail, rehab, etc. Paying for things (fines, bail, bills,etc)...this last round was the result of a long round of nonsense. He OD'd, etc. His PO violated him....he found his way to a rehab and seemed to be doing ok....actually working the program...got into a sober living situation, found a job...and then went to his scheduled probation and was violated from before....sent to another state, went before the judge and then sentenced. Not horribly long (months, not years) but this has been a decade and many tens of thousands of dollars..l I'm done. I am just not as supportive as I had been before. I've been lurking here but haven't posted this round because I don't want to help anymore. I have done a little but it feels like too much. I put a little on his commissary and Jpay each month but that's it. Not each week like I see people saying they do. He needs to get it - he is saying that he does but to me, the proof will be when he's out. And I don't know if I believe him or trust him. He needs to figure this out - if he chooses this life, he will have to live it without a jail mom. This just sucks.
I totally get it. There comes a time when you have to accept that you've done all you can. We love our kids but they have to be as committed to success as we are or it'll never work. As parents we tend to be "fixers" from the time they're born. It gets to a point where we can't fix everything that comes along. That's been the hardest thing for me to accept.

Take care of yourself & love him the best you can. The rest is up to him. There are some wonderfully supportive people here that will help you if & when you need them.
Reply With Quote
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to GaReform For This Useful Post:
a.rare.love (10-09-2017), fbopnomore (09-19-2017), Subie24 (09-21-2017), trauma4us (09-21-2017), xolady (09-20-2017)
  #3  
Old 09-19-2017, 01:12 AM
lizlizzie2's Avatar
lizlizzie2 lizlizzie2 is offline
Liz
 

Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: sierra vista, az
Posts: 569
Thanks: 1,291
Thanked 897 Times in 332 Posts
Default

It has been all kinds of things from being kicked out of 6th grade, to treatment center at 16 for oppositional defiance disorder, to a plkea, lawyer fees and probation at 19 for involvement in getting illegal scrips, to holding up a pharmacy, ODing, a public defender and 8 year plea. He is clean and sober now, but will it last when he gets out in 20 months? I have only in the past year trusted it has been real since his 2nd year in prison. An addict using from ages 12 to 24; how do not worry about it?

I don't have any answers, suggestions, or solutions. I have Hope. I guess we like them, have to take it one day at a time. Like you, can't do it again.
Reply With Quote
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to lizlizzie2 For This Useful Post:
a.rare.love (10-09-2017), Lordbew/us (09-19-2017), Subie24 (09-21-2017), trauma4us (09-21-2017), xolady (09-20-2017)
  #4  
Old 09-19-2017, 01:33 AM
maytayah's Avatar
maytayah maytayah is online now
Lil British Site Moderator

Staff Superstar Winner PTO Site Moderator 

 

Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: England Uk
Posts: 4,861
Thanks: 4,491
Thanked 6,228 Times in 2,836 Posts
Default

Hi I totally get it. My son was in prison and he had put us all through a lot. I wanted him to have the basics in prison but not extras. I saw it as tough love I didn't want him comfortable in there I wanted him to walk out knowing he never wanted to go back.
I don't enable him in his mistakes he is an adult he needs to make his own decisions and clear his own mess. Good on you for realising these are his choices not yours . He need a to make the changes and move on with positive life choices
Sending hugs
__________________
"Do not judge me by my successes, judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again." Nelson Mandela.

Who cares what they say about us? Because when I am with you I am standing with an army
Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to maytayah For This Useful Post:
lizlizzie2 (10-03-2017), Subie24 (09-21-2017), trauma4us (09-21-2017), xolady (09-20-2017)
  #5  
Old 09-19-2017, 08:12 PM
sidewalker sidewalker is offline
CA, LASO, site sug. SUPER MOD

PTO Super Moderator Staff Superstar Winner 

Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: ca usa
Posts: 28,624
Thanks: 49,326
Thanked 25,077 Times in 12,918 Posts
Default

I get it as well.
I have not seen my eldest son in I dont even know how long.
I just cant.
he's not in jail/prison as far as I know (and Im pretty sure he would let someone know, even if its not me)
But he's an addict.
I cant even think about trying to help him out now. He used the heck outta me and I wont do that ever again.
So yeah......I get it.
(((Hugs)))
__________________
My windows aren't dirty

That's my dog's nose art

Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to sidewalker For This Useful Post:
DisneyFan (09-25-2017), lizlizzie2 (10-03-2017), Subie24 (09-21-2017), trauma4us (09-21-2017)
  #6  
Old 09-21-2017, 02:27 PM
careyon careyon is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: FL, USA
Posts: 44
Thanks: 0
Thanked 29 Times in 14 Posts
Default

I understand. It just gets old after a while. I'm not sure they understand that when they go to jail/prison it doesn't just impact them, it impacts all of their love ones. You definitely get tired. Pray that the Lord will give you the strength and the discernment to deal with what He wants you to help with. I don't think it's meant for you to deal with ALL of his stuff. He needs to work it out on his own and deal with the consequences of his actions. Do pray for him, it's truly the MOST you can do.
Reply With Quote
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to careyon For This Useful Post:
DisneyFan (09-25-2017), lizlizzie2 (10-03-2017), Lordbew/us (10-06-2017), sidewalker (09-26-2017), Subie24 (09-21-2017), trauma4us (09-21-2017)
  #7  
Old 09-21-2017, 08:56 PM
Subie24 Subie24 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: NJ USA
Posts: 135
Thanks: 454
Thanked 225 Times in 71 Posts
Default

You're all great - thank you so much. This is just a crappy situation for any parent. I know that so many have even more difficult situations to deal with but this feels like it will never end....and for our own sanity, we have to jump off st some point. I hadn't really thought about it but I like what maytahah said about them not feeling comfortable there ....that really resonates with me. And I love the Nelson Mandela quote too. Net net...he has to figure this out. I can help a little if I'm able to (and want to)....but if he gets out and keeps it up, I have to figure out how to move on; for my own sanity.
Reply With Quote
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Subie24 For This Useful Post:
BearsLadyBear (09-25-2017), DisneyFan (09-25-2017), fbopnomore (09-22-2017), lizlizzie2 (10-03-2017), matrock130 (09-24-2017), sidewalker (09-25-2017)
  #8  
Old 09-25-2017, 03:50 PM
DisneyFan DisneyFan is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Florida USA
Posts: 180
Thanks: 206
Thanked 420 Times in 134 Posts
Default

Many of us could have written your post. I don't want my son comfortable. I want him to get it. He is doing pretty good. He is in reception and already offered drugs. How in the world does it get in. I am done with the nonsense at this point. He has to get it. So sorry you are right where many of us are.
Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to DisneyFan For This Useful Post:
lizlizzie2 (10-03-2017), Lordbew/us (10-06-2017), sidewalker (09-26-2017), Subie24 (10-02-2017)
  #9  
Old 09-26-2017, 05:56 PM
AlCapone'sMom's Avatar
AlCapone'sMom AlCapone'sMom is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: California, USA
Posts: 6
Thanks: 4
Thanked 6 Times in 3 Posts
Default

Hi,

I can't begin to express how relieved I was after reading how many other Moms feelings are similar to my own. Of course dummy me, for thinking I was the only Mom out here with these thoughts and feelings.

I have blamed myself for my son's trouble with the law and consequent multiple lengthy stents of incarceration. I was not a good Mother when he was young. I was still the "wild child" myself. I drank too much a lot of times, if not most of the time. My mind set back then was, "if I teach him everything I know and then all he will learn in school, he'll be really smart." NOT! Age appropriate knowledge was some thing that never crossed my mind and my little booger didn't come with an instruction book when he was born, therefore I didn't understand what a monumental task it is to raise a child correctly. My mindset then and subsequent parental actions (or lack of) are absolutely some of my biggest mistakes I have made in my life. I still have to make a conscience effort to not fallback into the guilt and shame. The two devils on my back, if you will.

I told him before he was released this last January (2017), how truly sorry I am for all of my past mistakes and how I feel they have affected/influenced his growing up. All he told me was, I wasn't a bad Mom and nothing I did made him do the unlawful things he did. Part of me believes what he said and part of me disbelieves, but that's those two devils at work again.

I went on to tell him that it has taken me some 20+ years to come to the realization-actualization, that I can't change my past nor my son's. We can only go forward from today and be accountable and responsible for our actions daily. I continued by saying, I know you know right from wrong, I did teach you that correct? He agreed and said of course he knew that. With him agreeing, I then told him, if you go back to prison again, I'm done, stick a fork in me. No more money, food packages, extra clothes, shoes etc. Your gravy train has just pulled into the station! Kapeesh? He just looked at me with that kind of yeah right Mom and walked away.

Currently, I am disheartened to write, my son is headed down the same old road that landed him in prison previously. I feel its only a matter of time until I get that dreaded phone call that he's back in jail. But this time is not going to be the same, been there, done that for me. I am not going to do the same thing over and over, that's insanity. Some call it tough love but I refer to it has Mom isn't playing anymore. I can't and won't get on that mental roller-coaster again. I am too old and too tired!

I have tried everything possible to try to insure that he doesn't re-offend this time i.e. support, offer of a mentor, counselling, paid job training, along with many avenues too numerous to list. I can't do it for him, bottom line. As the saying goes, "You can drag a horse to water but you can't make it drink."

Thanks for reading my lengthy venting post! Moreover, thank-you (by your posts) for the reminder that, I am not the only Mom going through this situation and I am not alone in my feelings! It truly is uplifting!

Good luck to all of you with your son's!
__________________
"Inside Every Old Lady Is A Young Lady, Wondering What The Hell Happened!"
Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to AlCapone'sMom For This Useful Post:
DisneyFan (10-04-2017), lizlizzie2 (10-03-2017), matrock130 (10-02-2017), Subie24 (10-02-2017)
  #10  
Old 09-26-2017, 06:26 PM
onparoleinTO onparoleinTO is offline
OnparoleinTO
 

Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Toronto
Posts: 416
Thanks: 434
Thanked 466 Times in 233 Posts
Default

All this is complicated. The reality is that our lives and actions are deeply influenced by our pasts and our childhoods. On the other hand, as your son said, you didn't make him do what he did. In the end, we do make our own choices. I like the line from Karl Marx - Man [and women too] makes his own history, but he does not do so under circumstances of his own choosing. We have to recognize and accept both how our lives have been shaped and our own responsibility for our futures.
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to onparoleinTO For This Useful Post:
lizlizzie2 (10-03-2017), Lordbew/us (10-06-2017), Subie24 (10-02-2017)
  #11  
Old 10-02-2017, 08:29 PM
Subie24 Subie24 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: NJ USA
Posts: 135
Thanks: 454
Thanked 225 Times in 71 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by DisneyFan View Post
Many of us could have written your post. I don't want my son comfortable. I want him to get it. He is doing pretty good. He is in reception and already offered drugs. How in the world does it get in. I am done with the nonsense at this point. He has to get it. So sorry you are right where many of us are.
Which jail is your son in? My son is in Fl (Pasco county)
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 10-03-2017, 02:11 AM
lizlizzie2's Avatar
lizlizzie2 lizlizzie2 is offline
Liz
 

Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: sierra vista, az
Posts: 569
Thanks: 1,291
Thanked 897 Times in 332 Posts
Default

I was editing and created a duplicate. Can't figure out how to delete it. So everyone let us take a deep breath and enjoy the moment.

Last edited by lizlizzie2; 10-03-2017 at 02:29 AM..
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 10-03-2017, 02:24 AM
lizlizzie2's Avatar
lizlizzie2 lizlizzie2 is offline
Liz
 

Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: sierra vista, az
Posts: 569
Thanks: 1,291
Thanked 897 Times in 332 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by DisneyFan View Post
Many of us could have written your post. I don't want my son comfortable. I want him to get it. He is doing pretty good. He is in reception and already offered drugs. How in the world does it get in. I am done with the nonsense at this point. He has to get it. So sorry you are right where many of us are.
5 years later and I am still astonished by the reality that my child never used heroin until he was in prison in Stiner in Arizona. Opiates being his drug of choice, prison limited his options yet it provided easy access to heroin and some other nasty stuff.

How can we as a society deal with the opiod epidemic when we can't even keep drugs out of our prisons. Prior to prison, I left my son in county lockup for the 6 months his case was pending figuring he was safer - knowing if he was Out He Would Use And Probably OD. That Summer, a few months after my son entered State prison, the FBI arrested our Deputy Sheriff as he was part of a Major Drug Ring bringing stuff into the USA and distributing it. He was selling to the inmates too. My son had NOT been safer, I had just kept him too broke to OD in county.

Moms and Dads - We Were Not perfect but We Did The Best We Could. And All of Our Children knew Right From Wrong And Chose To Act How They Did. Most of them have told us so when they were sober.

My Story Above Happens Every Day In Every State. When Law enforcement Can't Keep drugs Out with Their Knowledge AND Resources, then it Is Time We Stop beating ourselves Up Over thinking We Failed. Parenthood Did Not Come With A Prequisite of Perfection.
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to lizlizzie2 For This Useful Post:
DisneyFan (10-06-2017), Lordbew/us (10-06-2017), Subie24 (10-17-2017)
  #14  
Old 10-04-2017, 10:08 PM
DisneyFan DisneyFan is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Florida USA
Posts: 180
Thanks: 206
Thanked 420 Times in 134 Posts
Default Drugs in prison

Lizlizzie2. My son told me the first time he tried heroin was in prison and at that time he was in a drug offender program. Needless to say back then naive me was shocked. I don't shock that easily any more. That is a sad reality

This time around Iam receiving a different type of correspondence. He isn't demanding nor complaining about not deserving his sentence. He seems, if at least on paper, to be appreciative of my letters. This is pretty big deal. Usually I would get the mom send money mom I'm starving with little content in the letter. Now he describes things and has real content. It is a welcome change. But I'm not holding my breath. Been there done that way too many times. I'm stronger now, and tired of it all. The change in him, let's hope it lasts
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to DisneyFan For This Useful Post:
Lordbew/us (10-06-2017), Subie24 (10-17-2017)
  #15  
Old 10-06-2017, 05:57 PM
DisneyFan DisneyFan is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Florida USA
Posts: 180
Thanks: 206
Thanked 420 Times in 134 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Subie24 View Post
Which jail is your son in? My son is in Fl (Pasco county)
Mine is in CFRC East Supposed to be moved to permanent camp, this week he thought. All I saw online was a move from Main to East. Whatever that means.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 10-08-2017, 12:05 PM
georgiagrama georgiagrama is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Carrollton, Georgia, USA
Posts: 102
Thanks: 8
Thanked 129 Times in 54 Posts
Default

Oh Lord, this thread has scared me so much!! My son will max on Dec. 23, at age 23 after 5 years. His hopes and those of our family are so sky high, for a future that for the first time in years will be NORMAL! He says he's truly through with drugs, plans never to go back to prison and can't stand anything connected with the road that led him there...the same things, you say your kids said! I also have the same things you said, about what a second bid for him would be like. My heart goes out to each of you, whose hopes were dashed and I ask for your prayers for us. I guess I'll try not to let fear take away the happiness I feel at seeing the end in sight.
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to georgiagrama For This Useful Post:
fbopnomore (10-08-2017), Lordbew/us (10-08-2017), Subie24 (10-17-2017)
  #17  
Old 10-08-2017, 03:17 PM
Lordbew/us's Avatar
Lordbew/us Lordbew/us is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Georgia USA
Posts: 1,302
Thanks: 4,663
Thanked 2,385 Times in 836 Posts
Default

[quote=georgiagrama;7668435]Oh Lord, this thread has scared me so much!! My son will max on Dec. 23, at age 23 after 5 years. His hopes and those of our family are so sky high, for a future that for the first time in years will be NORMAL! He says he's truly through with drugs, plans never to go back to prison and can't stand anything connected with the road that led him there...the same things, you say your kids said! I also have the same things you said, about what a second bid for him would be like. My heart goes out to each of you, whose hopes were dashed and I ask for your prayers for us. I guess I'll try not to let fear take away the happiness I feel at seeing the en) wanting to be clean and start a new life!


Hi georgiagrama,
My heart felt prayers are with you and your son. I'm sure your son is sincere in this moment about wanting to be clean. The test as you've already said will be once he is released. It sounds like your son has remained clean during his stay and his brain has healed from the drugs and too he has matured.

My family knows full well the stress, grief and loss of addiction. I pray your young son is able to break away from all temptations and that he will seek out "healthy people" to keep him on track. And foremost a relationship with God!
May your son's heart be sensitive and ears be open!! He will have to learn new skills to cope with all the stresses of this world.
May God grant you His peace and supernatural wisdom!!!
__________________
M.C.
Cobb/Cherokee County GA
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Lordbew/us For This Useful Post:
Subie24 (10-17-2017)
  #18  
Old 10-09-2017, 08:53 PM
lizlizzie2's Avatar
lizlizzie2 lizlizzie2 is offline
Liz
 

Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: sierra vista, az
Posts: 569
Thanks: 1,291
Thanked 897 Times in 332 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by DisneyFan View Post
Lizlizzie2. My son told me the first time he tried heroin was in prison and at that time he was in a drug offender program. Needless to say back then naive me was shocked. I don't shock that easily any more. That is a sad reality

This time around Iam receiving a different type of correspondence. He isn't demanding nor complaining about not deserving his sentence. He seems, if at least on paper, to be appreciative of my letters. This is pretty big deal. Usually I would get the mom send money mom I'm starving with little content in the letter. Now he describes things and has real content. It is a welcome change. But I'm not holding my breath. Been there done that way too many times. I'm stronger now, and tired of it all. The change in him, let's hope it lasts
I have read articles and seen programs where the general consensus seems to be that opiods are the hardest addiction to beat and that it takes many people multiple times before they get there. Maybe this time will work. One day at a time, but don't hold our breath. I will hope for both of us.

I like to think he is sincere and my son has, since he stopped using after the first year, changed what he says and how he says things. Although, even at his worst, he acknowledged he got what he deserved for what he did. I do hope that maturity along with him having found some good mentors makes this real, but it is impossible for me to be certain. he has made it 90 days on the outside and fallen back into it. He had not gone longer before this stint in prison, so hopefully this has given him the foundation for success.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to lizlizzie2 For This Useful Post:
Subie24 (10-17-2017)
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Back for second round JennysLink Riker's Island Jail - New York 3 10-05-2011 10:09 AM
Been round the way and now I'M BACK!!! ShaneK Welcome Home From Federal Prison 8 04-07-2009 07:36 AM
I'm BACK... Round 3 for him... yana Indiana General Prison Talk, Introductions & Chit Chat 6 12-05-2006 08:44 PM


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 03:51 PM.
Copyright © 2001- 2017 Prison Talk Online
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Website Design & Custom vBulletin Skins by: Relivo Media
Message Board Statistics