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Friends & Families of Addicts Information for coping, dealing & living with a loved one's addictive behavior.

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  #1  
Old 03-07-2010, 12:31 PM
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Default Don't know what to do- Need opinions & guidance!

So I haven't posted in this forum yet, but i've been lurking a few months. Here's my story: my husband is an alcoholic, as well as a crack addict (or meth if he can't get crack)

He used the whole time I was pregnant. He used after our son was born. He didn't care that he was scaring the sh*t out of me looking out the windows every other second to see who might be out there, or god knows what he was looking for. He was convinced I was sneaking guys into the house while he was sleeping, convinced I had guys in the bathroom when I was showering (a room with no windows and the only door goes straight into the living room). It was hell. Toward the end of my pregnancy, he'd invite his friends around. Friends that were so high they insisted on staring intently at my car because "I left it outside, someone's gonna steal it!". He didn't care that I was 9 months pregnant and completely vulnerable. I left him two weeks before our son was born, and then again the day after our son was born (that time for smoking crack in the bathroom of the hotel we were living in, not 10 feet away from our newborn son). After I forgave him yet again, there were days where my husband would leave to "go to the store" at 8am and not come home for 14 hours. While i'm at home, he's running around in some sketchy part of town buying and using crack with God knows who.

What I've written above is only a part of it. But you get the idea. When he was arrested in May for a 4th DUI, I thought "Thank God!" because in Montana if you have a 4th or subsequent DUI you are required to do a 6 month (state paid) rehabilitation program as part of your sentencing, and the one they go to has a 98% success rate. Things were so much better between us after he was arrested and we were fine the whole time he was in jail, for the most part.

Well here comes my question. In January he was sent to the treatment program. Things between us have gotten so much worse. Everytime he calls he accuses me of cheating. He calls me names, he asks "where are you, who are you with?!" it's like he's on crack again. I don't even know what's going on, i'm completely baffled. This was the time when our relationship was supposed to get so much better, not go down the drain.

I'm asking you guys because I have no previous experience with treatment programs or addicts who are trying to get sober. Is he just going through emotional turmoil there and making me his whipping boy? Or is he going back to his old ways before he even gets home?
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  #2  
Old 03-07-2010, 05:52 PM
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Hun, could it just be that he is extremely insecure on or off crack? Was there ever a point and time where he wasn't insecure?

I know, I'm a great help....just asking you more questions.

Maybe you could speak with his counselors and get a better answer into what he is dealing with.

I've been in a relationship with an addict before. It's not an easy road to walk. Keep your head up!
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Old 03-07-2010, 06:30 PM
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As a recovery addict myself it sounds like hes not ready to clean up. He hasnt hit bottom yet but this DOES NOT mean he dont love u and his son. The disease of addiction is very powerful! Everyones rock bottom is different and only he will know when hes hit his bottom. He needs a residental treatment program but until then it sounds like you need to set some boundaries w/him to protect you and your son.
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Old 03-07-2010, 06:33 PM
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Hon, I think that the answer is "you have to stop actively caring about him". It doesn't matter, fundamentally, what he's doing or why. He may well be dual-diagnosis, or he may have underlying paranoid tendencies or any number of other possibilities. But it's not your job to deal with it. It's just time for you to stop providing support.

This is the time for you to start to enjoy your life with your baby. You cannot count on him becoming and staying sober, so your job in life is to build a solid foundation for that baby and EVERYTHING else is secondary. It cannot be a foundation built on the 'possible' sobriety of someone else, because that can crash down at any time, and that should not happen to a child.

Besides that, as long as you continue to support him, he can't hit his personal bottom. As long as you are on the other end of that phone, listening to him, absorbing the blame, he is not focusing on the reality that he is an addict, not working on his weaknesses. He is allowing his mind to skip those little problems in favor of blaming you.

Hon, you need to find an AlAnon meeting . . . and go regularly. They know the ins and outs of this disaster, and can give you help, support, and can keep you from making excuses. Get yourself some real support, face to face. This is too hard to do alone.
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Old 03-07-2010, 07:12 PM
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I am also a recovering addict. My bf and I used togethor. When I got pregnant I got clean and he did not.Our son is now three and my bf has gone in three times. The last time he went thru a DOC treatment program. He got out on probation and was using in two weeks. The way people try to get around the system is they drop on mon and thur so if they use all thur night after the drop they can drop clean on mon. My bf was shocked that I was not okay with this. It took him about two mos. to get caught. When he used I would not let him in the house for acouple of days. Once he was back in he is really sorry. It's taken me a while to decide to try again. Ther are some treatment centers where people do the same thing and get away with it. He might be using. You said it was good between you when he was in jail.The thing that concerns me is your bf or anyone else in your house using. That scares the sh.. out of me. Whether you decide to give him another chance or not, please do not let anyone use or even be high around you or your son. I can't stress this enough. There is no acceptable risk when it comes to your child. When people are under the influence you do not know what they might do. My bf and I love each other very much, and he adores our son ,but he knows I do not play with the safety of our son. If he wants to use he had better take it somewhere else cause things will get ugly real quick. I am giving him another chance. I tried not to, but I do love him like crazy. When he is clean he says that me taking the hard line is the best thing I can do. I'm sorry this is so long, but my heart goes out to you. You can love him, but take care of you and your son, cause if he is using yhat is the last thing on his mind. God bless you and good luck!!!
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Old 03-09-2010, 02:32 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by akaptrosa View Post
Hun, could it just be that he is extremely insecure on or off crack? Was there ever a point and time where he wasn't insecure?

I know, I'm a great help....just asking you more questions.

Maybe you could speak with his counselors and get a better answer into what he is dealing with.

I've been in a relationship with an addict before. It's not an easy road to walk. Keep your head up!
Nope! He's always been insecure! And when we got together he even warned me. He told me he was the "most high maintenance guy ever". And I remember thinking "Uh, you're a guy, I doubt you can be more high maintenance than me!" but he was right. Completely insecure and high maintenance. But it never really bothered me that badly because I have a natural urge to take care of people.

I have been trying to get ahold of someone at the program and all I keep getting is random people's voicemails. So I don't really know what to do. He said he gave me the direct extension to his counselor, but he didn't. I don't have it.
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Old 03-10-2010, 11:58 PM
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Nim had some great words...
You need to take care of you and the baby, thats whats important.
Maybe you shouldnt take his calls for awhile.
He is still not working on his stuff if he is calling you and accusing you of all this other bs.
Get to an AlAnon meeting, and focus on you!
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