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  #1  
Old 09-04-2008, 02:05 PM
smallngood smallngood is offline
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Default How strong are you now?

I think about ten months a go I asked a question similar to this, but PTO has so many new members and situations now, just like to ask again.

When my son went in, for twenty years, the only thing I could possible see was I have completely lost my son. It hurt, still does, and I was so scared for him then I was scared for myself.

Could I keep the face that I can handle this in front of him, when all I wanted to do was scream. Could I keep writing the letters saying how much I admire him taking the responsibility as a man, when sometimes I was so mad that he did this to himself, and me.

I had lots and lots of questions, especially with the job I do- -could I keep a straight face when I see a inmate that looks like him? Could I be responsible in the guidelines I have to folow?

Time--it all took time, and believing in my higher power to guide me through all this, and continute to help me make the right desision, to help him in the learning process and the punishment.

I felt weak, I felt that a simple branch could knock me over at any time. But each day, I grew. I grew not only wiser and learn their side more, but I grew into just about the strongest will woman one could even imagine.

I didn't have to always be happy when I saw him at visitation anymore, I could show feelings- -I used to hide all the "bad stuff"- -but that wasn't real, wasn't right, now, I'm me, I'm a human seeing my son in prison, I'm a mom.

It's hard, hard for anyone that has a love one in and we all start out, I think, more scared than they are, but when you know they can handle this becasue they have support, they have love, they have you- -you become so strong that it feels like a giant could walk up and you would put him in his place- -it does me.

It is a learning experience for sure, and I would not bless this on anyone, but in turn, it has taught me compassion, patience, being truthful more, and to know my higher power has a plan that will work out in HIS time and I am to follow this path with my son.

Oh, I 'm strong alright, and I honestly didn't know of how truly weak I really used to be. I like the strong me now.
I survived hell, I can survive anything.

Be safe.
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  #2  
Old 09-04-2008, 02:17 PM
Drucifer Drucifer is offline
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Small...your posts always make me think and once again, you have hit on something that we can all probably relate to. The Texas justice system caught me totally off guard. I was not ready for lies, deceit and corruption that permeate this system but I have grown much stronger because I am still dealing with it.

My Chris is the trooper. He is stronger and growing everyday in his walk through TDCJ and because of him being stronger, so am I. We have both learned so much about each other and I have been fortunate to learn from all of the wonderful people who make PTO a part of there day. Chris has learned from some of the "wise men" who have been around TDCJ for awhile.

I dont think I could have made it this far without PTO and some of the folks I have met through this website. Many of you have become friends and I cherish the contact we share. When I am down, you are there offering words of encouragement and support and when I am soaring, you are right there with me.

Stronger? Yeah, I am but my God at what price? I am learning to let God do the work and stop putting so much on myself.
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Old 09-04-2008, 10:07 PM
britecloud britecloud is offline
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hmmm...am i stronger, or just harder?

i have been asking myself that question lately, as lately i have been so bone weary that all i want to do is crawl into bed and sleep for days. the anger i have towards him that i thought was in check has resurfaced with a vengance. a couple weeks ago he sent me all the paperwork from the investigation into his crime and subsequent arrest. i read through it and wanted to get in my car, drive to texas and slap the living crap out of him. the cops had no evidence on him untill he got high with his buddies one night and shot off his mouth. a couple weeks later one of these buddies found himself in a jam and sang his way out of it. and ~poof~ michael is now gone for 13 years. just thinking of it now leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. how could someone so smart be so stupid?

michael being away has forced me to stand up and take control of my life. whereas before i would consult him on every choice i made, now i tell him of my choices after ive made them. whereas in the beginning i didnt think i could live without him, now i know i can.....but i still want him back home more than anything else in my life. where i lacked self confidance before, now i rarely question myself.

am i stronger? harder? different?

absolutely. but i like the person i've become although, i hate all that has happened to make me into who i am now.
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Old 09-04-2008, 10:24 PM
missingmybaby1 missingmybaby1 is offline
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Small I admire you,this is still new to me so right at this moment without God in my life I would be nothing,I'm an emotional roller coaster right now..I have good days and I think YES I can do this then one bad day comes and tries to take away the good.It is a struggle but right now I'm taking it one day at a time and standing by my loved one.And boy has it changed my out look on the system..
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Old 09-04-2008, 10:48 PM
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AM i STRONGER YES HAVE i GROWN YES HAVE i LEARNED YES i WAS 18 WEN JOE GOT HiS 10 YRz iM NOT GONNA LiE i WAS SCARED AND LOST HAD NO iDEA WHAT TO DO OR WAT TO EXPECT. BUT AS THESE 8 YRz HAVE PASSED iVE LEARNED SO MUCH iVE LEARNED TO LET GO AND PUT iT ALL iN GODz HANDz i CAN PROUDLY SAY i HAVE GROWN iNTO A STRONG iNDEPENDENT WOMAN. AND JOE HAS GROWN TO BE A WONDERFUL MAN SURE WE ALL HAVE OUR DAYz DAT WE JUST WANNA STAY N BED N CRY BUT WiTH GODz WiLL WE GET THRU THEM. AS JOE TELLz ME GOD HAS A PLAN FOR US AND iF WE CAN MAKE iT THRU THiS WE CAN MAKE iT THRU ANYTHiNG!!!
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Old 09-04-2008, 10:56 PM
Drucifer Drucifer is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by britecloud View Post
hmmm...am i stronger, or just harder?

i have been asking myself that question lately, as lately i have been so bone weary that all i want to do is crawl into bed and sleep for days. the anger i have towards him that i thought was in check has resurfaced with a vengance. a couple weeks ago he sent me all the paperwork from the investigation into his crime and subsequent arrest. i read through it and wanted to get in my car, drive to texas and slap the living crap out of him. the cops had no evidence on him untill he got high with his buddies one night and shot off his mouth. a couple weeks later one of these buddies found himself in a jam and sang his way out of it. and ~poof~ michael is now gone for 13 years. just thinking of it now leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. how could someone so smart be so stupid?

michael being away has forced me to stand up and take control of my life. whereas before i would consult him on every choice i made, now i tell him of my choices after ive made them. whereas in the beginning i didnt think i could live without him, now i know i can.....but i still want him back home more than anything else in my life. where i lacked self confidance before, now i rarely question myself.

am i stronger? harder? different?

absolutely. but i like the person i've become although, i hate all that has happened to make me into who i am now.
AMEN BRITE

Lets drive out to Daniel so I can slap Chris to!!!! I know exactly what you mean. Oh my God how can these guys who are geniuses be so damn dumb sometime. Pardon my language but its so so true.
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  #7  
Old 09-04-2008, 11:17 PM
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Originally Posted by britecloud View Post
am i stronger? harder? different?

absolutely. but i like the person i've become although, i hate all that has happened to make me into who i am now.

The phrase I grew up hearing is, "I bless the knowledge, and curse the lesson." That seems to fit here.


Kay
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  #8  
Old 09-05-2008, 03:57 AM
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You all are such an inspiration to me. My son is presently in Mountain View Developemental Facility for B and E and possession of a stollen handgun. He is not in TX but in ME. My heart is breaking and it's such a chore to get up and go to work. My husband and I have been talking to police, counselors, family and friends. We live each day moment by moment. Our son is mentally ill and unless he accepts this fact, his life will be behind bars. Trying to accept this is so hard on us both. I cry at home; I cry at work; I cry with my husband; I cry alone. I know I will get through this, but for now, the road to acceptance and long and rocky. I also have a friend in the Coffield Unit. I can now put myself in his own mom's place. To see your son in chains, in front of a judge is almost as bad as getting a phone call in the middle of the night that he has been killed. My son does not think like others do. His thoughts are disconnected and distorted as to how serious his charges are. I have tried posting on the ME site but it's slow and I need to get this out. Again you are all such an inspiration to me. Each day, my heart breaks a little bit more, but I know there are others who share my pain. Thank you PTO family for being there and God bless each and every one of you.
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  #9  
Old 09-05-2008, 05:04 AM
britecloud britecloud is offline
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You all are such an inspiration to me. My son is presently in Mountain View Developemental Facility for B and E and possession of a stollen handgun. He is not in TX but in ME. My heart is breaking and it's such a chore to get up and go to work. My husband and I have been talking to police, counselors, family and friends. We live each day moment by moment. Our son is mentally ill and unless he accepts this fact, his life will be behind bars. Trying to accept this is so hard on us both. I cry at home; I cry at work; I cry with my husband; I cry alone. I know I will get through this, but for now, the road to acceptance and long and rocky. I also have a friend in the Coffield Unit. I can now put myself in his own mom's place. To see your son in chains, in front of a judge is almost as bad as getting a phone call in the middle of the night that he has been killed. My son does not think like others do. His thoughts are disconnected and distorted as to how serious his charges are. I have tried posting on the ME site but it's slow and I need to get this out. Again you are all such an inspiration to me. Each day, my heart breaks a little bit more, but I know there are others who share my pain. Thank you PTO family for being there and God bless each and every one of you.

welcome to the texas forum ((((HUG)))))
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  #10  
Old 09-05-2008, 06:22 AM
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I think have to agree sometimes think not stronger just gotten Harder. I tell him all the time not the same person I was 9 yrs ago, I don't care about much and just go day to day. I sure can say not strong last couple weeks w/ no mail broke down yesterday for do not know why I am not hearing from him. Usually 2-3 letters a week maybe 1 if he is a bit blue. But none since the Tuesday the 19th. After all this time I been down since 1999 I still feel a void in my life. But glad I am not the naive 20 yr old I was in 1999 that I am greatful for He is the strong one I could never be down 9 yrs w/ 3 in ad seg I do envy this quality about him
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  #11  
Old 09-05-2008, 06:08 PM
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I feel blessed because I know I have grown stronger (and strong things are usually tough...) and I know deep within my heart, that I wouldn't be emotionally and physically where I am today if it wasn't for the love and support I have recieved here. The people on this site have loved me through tough moments of doubt, insecurities, an unreal crazy house buying episode, the loss of pets, the incarceration, parole and revocation of my husband's sentence, and lots of other head shaking moments.

This site is a blessing from God for which I am very thankful.

Karen
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Old 09-05-2008, 06:17 PM
richsgirl_4life richsgirl_4life is offline
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I haven't posted since I've been 'back', I guess I didn't want to acknowledge the disillusionment of being back. But I stop in daily to check on my PTO family(I'm the long lost cousin you never hear from), and this thread got me...
Stronger - yes. Harder - 'fraid so. Wiser - so much so that it's scary sometimes. Richard told me, not to long ago, that I've changed. I don't love hime the way I did we we started "us" ten years ago. At first, I was outraged. How dare he? After everything - how dare he??? Then I began to think... My love for him is unconditional. And, I'll ride this storm out like I have any other that's come up in our life, or any one that may loom in the future. But I have changed. I am different. I have grown. At one time I thought I would die. I tought that the pain of not having him in my life would kill me-literally. Then, one day, God showed me I hadn't died, but was yet alive. So now I know that not only can I do this, can I do us. But I know that I won't die in the process.
So stronger, harder, wiser, grown(er) - yup. That's me!

In all things, be blessed

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  #13  
Old 09-12-2008, 01:31 PM
JaycieDnTejas JaycieDnTejas is offline
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The following lyrics sum it up for me (from my favorite motivating song
"You gotta be" by Des'ree) ...

Listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Lovers they may cause you tears
Go ahead, release your fears
Stand up and be counted, don't be ashamed to cry

You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser
You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day

Herald what your mother said
Read the books your father read
Try to solve the puzzles in your own sweet time
Some may have more cash than you
Others take a different view
My, oh, my, eh, eh, eh

Life asks no questions, it goes on without you
Leaving you behind if you can't stand the pace
The world keeps on spinning
You can't stop it, if you try to
This time it's danger staring you in the face
Oh oh oh Remember

Remember, listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Lovers they may cause you tears
Go ahead, release your fears
My, oh, my, eh, eh, eh

Got to be bold, got to be bad
Got to be wise, not ever sad
Got to be hard, not too too hard
All I know is love will save the day
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  #14  
Old 09-12-2008, 05:55 PM
James' Sister James' Sister is offline
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Small, the words you said today that I needed to hear:

"I didn't have to always be happy when I saw him at visitation anymore, I could show feelings- -I used to hide all the "bad stuff"- -but that wasn't real, wasn't right, now, I'm me, I'm a human seeing my son in prison, I'm a mom."

I have not seen my brother since he entered TDCJ last week, but the times I visited him in county I felt like I needed to be very positive and upbeat as long as I was with him - then bawl and blubber all the way back to the jail entrance. Your words have let me know that I can be honest with him when I see him next and can express my frustrations and disappointment in his actions. We try to keep our letters and cards positive and upbeat and we have never really expressed our anger. Perhaps it is time to "clean house" and do that so that we can also begin to heal. Thanks for your words.
Ann
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Old 09-12-2008, 06:06 PM
MITKLAUS01 MITKLAUS01 is offline
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I have finallllly accepted the fact that the GS is in prison and there is NOTHING I can do about it except love him and support him. It took accepting that to get my life back on track. I truly believe that he is in GOD's hands and I am turning him over to God...... and praying that I don't try to yank this problem back. God will protect him and keep him safe and help him grow. By the same tokan, he will help me accept and grow. By letting go, I have found that I am less depressed and more able to function. LET GO AND LET GOD !!!!
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