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When the Relationship is Over... This forum is about discussing your thoughts, feelings and issues now that you and your incarcerated (or formerly incarcerated) loved one are no longer together. (This forum is NOT for bashing - please read the rules before posting.)

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  #1  
Old 09-16-2017, 09:55 PM
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I don't even know where to start. I've been on this ride for 9 years. Stayed faithful and was his right-fighter. Even put up the grand to get him a lawyer and get his release. Nobody else seemed to want to help. Then, when the ex's found out that he was being released, they all came begging. I'm in a situation where I am disabled due to needing full knee replacements and have some social anxiety and bi-polar conditions going on. When he was released, I couldn't travel to his state and be his "home". He has been down for 34 years. Not easy transitioning when you've done that much time. But I love him like I have never loved another so I let things go. Things I probably shouldn't of let go. His ex steps up and moves to his state for him. The woman he said he couldn't stand and that left him so broken hearted. Yeah, her! She met him at the Parole office right off of the bus and took possession. I didn't hear from him after release until he was out and on the second day. He called me from a department store where they were buying a bed set. Think that didn't kill me? It killed me. He whispers into the phone, "I still love you Babe, its going to be alright!" I started bawling and haven't stopped since. You got it... that was a month and 2 days ago. He tells me he is using her to transition out and once he is on his feet he will get us a place and I can join him. He tells me he has PTSD severely. I bet he does. I only get a text once in a while, saying he loves me and misses me. Some days she goes back to her state to help her elderly parents / doctors appts. and such, on those days we can talk as much as we like, between her calls of course... I tried calling him today and he hung up on me. It broke my heart. I have never hung up on him or he I through 9 years of our relationship. Its so disrespectful. But I heard her laughing in the background. Its like he answered and then hung up real fast when he saw who was calling. I don't really need advice. I just needed to vent. Trying to pass the time and tire myself out so I can sleep. I have a horrible time sleeping these days. So he got out of prison, and I didn't. I am still waiting.
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Old 09-17-2017, 05:16 AM
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I don't even know where to start. I've been on this ride for 9 years. Stayed faithful and was his right-fighter. Even put up the grand to get him a lawyer and get his release. Nobody else seemed to want to help. Then, when the ex's found out that he was being released, they all came begging. I'm in a situation where I am disabled due to needing full knee replacements and have some social anxiety and bi-polar conditions going on. When he was released, I couldn't travel to his state and be his "home". He has been down for 34 years. Not easy transitioning when you've done that much time. But I love him like I have never loved another so I let things go. Things I probably shouldn't of let go. His ex steps up and moves to his state for him. The woman he said he couldn't stand and that left him so broken hearted. Yeah, her! She met him at the Parole office right off of the bus and took possession. I didn't hear from him after release until he was out and on the second day. He called me from a department store where they were buying a bed set. Think that didn't kill me? It killed me. He whispers into the phone, "I still love you Babe, its going to be alright!" I started bawling and haven't stopped since. You got it... that was a month and 2 days ago. He tells me he is using her to transition out and once he is on his feet he will get us a place and I can join him. He tells me he has PTSD severely. I bet he does. I only get a text once in a while, saying he loves me and misses me. Some days she goes back to her state to help her elderly parents / doctors appts. and such, on those days we can talk as much as we like, between her calls of course... I tried calling him today and he hung up on me. It broke my heart. I have never hung up on him or he I through 9 years of our relationship. Its so disrespectful. But I heard her laughing in the background. Its like he answered and then hung up real fast when he saw who was calling. I don't really need advice. I just needed to vent. Trying to pass the time and tire myself out so I can sleep. I have a horrible time sleeping these days. So he got out of prison, and I didn't. I am still waiting.
Sounds like a train wreck and I am sorry your going through this. I would NOT be with a man that uses women and treats them like he has you. Is this the way you want to live the rest of your life? How can you even trust this guy? He was down for 35 years? He's institutionalized big time!

I know you came here to rant but people are going to comment. I hope that you take some time to think about what this relationship really offers you. Take care of yourself and remember, happiness comes from within. Self-love is your best investment, so take some time to be good to yourself. Him treating you the way he is is not a reflection of you, but rather one of his moral character. Are you proud of this guy?

I hope you get some sleep and rise above this situation and come out more level headed about how you want to spend the rest of your life.
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Old 09-17-2017, 05:37 AM
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Hi there I am so sorry to hear of your situation. I know you dont want advice but please put yourself first in this situation and dont allow him to make you his fall back woman waiting in the wings for some crumbs off his table.
Move on and find your happiness you do not deserve to be in this terrible sad situation. Good luck to you
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Old 09-17-2017, 06:39 AM
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Originally Posted by Britrdazahead13 View Post
I don't even know where to start. I've been on this ride for 9 years. Stayed faithful and was his right-fighter. Even put up the grand to get him a lawyer and get his release. Nobody else seemed to want to help. Then, when the ex's found out that he was being released, they all came begging. I'm in a situation where I am disabled due to needing full knee replacements and have some social anxiety and bi-polar conditions going on. When he was released, I couldn't travel to his state and be his "home". He has been down for 34 years. Not easy transitioning when you've done that much time. But I love him like I have never loved another so I let things go. Things I probably shouldn't of let go. His ex steps up and moves to his state for him. The woman he said he couldn't stand and that left him so broken hearted. Yeah, her! She met him at the Parole office right off of the bus and took possession. I didn't hear from him after release until he was out and on the second day. He called me from a department store where they were buying a bed set. Think that didn't kill me? It killed me. He whispers into the phone, "I still love you Babe, its going to be alright!" I started bawling and haven't stopped since. You got it... that was a month and 2 days ago. He tells me he is using her to transition out and once he is on his feet he will get us a place and I can join him. He tells me he has PTSD severely. I bet he does. I only get a text once in a while, saying he loves me and misses me. Some days she goes back to her state to help her elderly parents / doctors appts. and such, on those days we can talk as much as we like, between her calls of course... I tried calling him today and he hung up on me. It broke my heart. I have never hung up on him or he I through 9 years of our relationship. Its so disrespectful. But I heard her laughing in the background. Its like he answered and then hung up real fast when he saw who was calling. I don't really need advice. I just needed to vent. Trying to pass the time and tire myself out so I can sleep. I have a horrible time sleeping these days. So he got out of prison, and I didn't. I am still waiting.
I am sorry! I pray that he will do the right thing and/or you can find your peace without him. Know that you did something good for another person! Take satisfaction in that understanding! Sometimes we have to do things and not get the return investment we deserve. If it doesn't turn out how you hope, at least you can relish in the fact that you are a wonderful person who did a lot to make someone else's life better.
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Old 09-17-2017, 03:24 PM
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I think its time you get released and move on. How could you not love yourself enough to see what's happening. Get out now before you waste anymore of your life I'm someone who was clearly using you.
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Old 09-17-2017, 08:52 PM
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Thank you all for your responses... under normal conditions I would say you are all right and I should of moved on years ago... but this didn't start until 33 days ago... he has always been upfront and real with me. Lots of people will judge and say I am just ignorant and need to be used if I can see whats happening and continue to stay in the position. But, you haven't heard the entire story or walked in my shoes on the path that he and I have been walking together for so long. So you're excused.
This man we are speaking of has raised himself inside of a prison. He has educated himself both with knowledge from books and from the streets. He has had to. He is very smart and very articulate. Was never one to be on the ball courts or passing time playing cards. He was always cracking books and educating himself. Yes, I am proud of him. His family left him in a very f**ked up place when he needed them most.
Yes, he is using this girl... she used him too. Remember she was married to him. She divorced him because she wanted to adopt a child and couldn't being married to a prisoner... she knew he loved her and didn't want her to divorce, but she thought that he would always take her back because of his great love for her...
Look, she knows exactly the person she is dealing with and chose to disrespect him in a department store yesterday. No body inside the pen or outside the pen disrespects him. And that is exactly what he told her. They were arguing yesterday about him getting a phone call. He has friends that call and check up on him from time to time. Its not excessive, but she took it to another level. So he shut her down... and yes it took all day and most of the night to do so. (No, it was not physical, it was vocal.) That's why my phone call ended up in a hang up...
She is hard headed and thinks she is evidently right in the matter, but their not married any longer... he doesn't owe her anything - but appreciates what she has done for him coming home. He ask her to help him through transitioning from prison and getting on his feet to become independent... she took it as a white picket fence and her being married to him again... even though he told her several times that wasn't what he meant..
Yes, I will ride this out with him. I feel he is worth it. I don't have money and he knows this... I just have to wait for him to become independent of her.
I am very proud of him, he has more to offer any woman then most men have in their pinky.
Don't worry, I won't be offended with what you all have to say, I know it can get cruel in these threads...
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Old 09-17-2017, 09:56 PM
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Hey honey, I am truly sorry that you are going through this I know that you updated and feel like your husband is in the right doing what he is doing. Every relationship is different and will allow different things... I just pray that you do not get stringed along by this man. I say this because I know firsthand that a man in prison is a different man when he has his freedom. Not saying that they are not sincere at all and there are always those exceptions, but he needs to prove himself to you out here... Right now, he is spending a great deal of time and sleeping (what it seems like) with a woman that he was deeply in love with in the past... You know your relationship best, but I would be brokenhearted if my husband did that to me upon release. Even if I was broke, even if he was broke. I would want him to take a healthier route to become stabilized instead of using someone, even if it meant he went to a halfway house or a shelter in the meanwhile... Nobody deserves to be used, even if they were used by the person who they are now using. I wish you the very best hon. Stay strong.
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Old 09-18-2017, 02:14 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Britrdazahead13 View Post
I don't even know where to start. I've been on this ride for 9 years. Stayed faithful and was his right-fighter. Even put up the grand to get him a lawyer and get his release. Nobody else seemed to want to help. Then, when the ex's found out that he was being released, they all came begging. I'm in a situation where I am disabled due to needing full knee replacements and have some social anxiety and bi-polar conditions going on. When he was released, I couldn't travel to his state and be his "home". He has been down for 34 years. Not easy transitioning when you've done that much time. But I love him like I have never loved another so I let things go. Things I probably shouldn't of let go. His ex steps up and moves to his state for him. The woman he said he couldn't stand and that left him so broken hearted. Yeah, her! She met him at the Parole office right off of the bus and took possession. I didn't hear from him after release until he was out and on the second day. He called me from a department store where they were buying a bed set. Think that didn't kill me? It killed me. He whispers into the phone, "I still love you Babe, its going to be alright!" I started bawling and haven't stopped since. You got it... that was a month and 2 days ago. He tells me he is using her to transition out and once he is on his feet he will get us a place and I can join him. He tells me he has PTSD severely. I bet he does. I only get a text once in a while, saying he loves me and misses me. Some days she goes back to her state to help her elderly parents / doctors appts. and such, on those days we can talk as much as we like, between her calls of course... I tried calling him today and he hung up on me. It broke my heart. I have never hung up on him or he I through 9 years of our relationship. Its so disrespectful. But I heard her laughing in the background. Its like he answered and then hung up real fast when he saw who was calling. I don't really need advice. I just needed to vent. Trying to pass the time and tire myself out so I can sleep. I have a horrible time sleeping these days. So he got out of prison, and I didn't. I am still waiting.
I kno you love him but just look at him. He's using a woman(so he says) to get on his feet while keeping another woman on a string . He honestly doesn't sound worth the trouble and stress. Even when he gets on his feet just the fact he admitted to playing someone for their help would make me doubt the sincerity of anything he says to me relationship wise. Him hanging up was just another slap in the face it's all just bad. Take care of you first!
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Old 09-23-2017, 01:15 AM
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There can be a world of difference between what a man is telling you and the truth. Remember that you only have his word as to what has transpired between him and her; for all you know he may have represented to her that he has come back to her, to stay, it even seems likely if they argued all day about him receiving a call. If he really is using her, he can use you. Don't lower your standards, or yourself, for him or any other man.
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Old 10-12-2017, 10:40 AM
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*Update
So Saturday Oct 14 it will be two months since Mr. got paroled. We have been talking frequently this week since "she" is out of town. No doubt in my mind she thinks she and he are forever and this is their relationship. He is working call in for the teamsters. Is getting very few hours (even though the pay is nice). He is talking about getting a truck and becoming independent on where and how he goes places. He says he hates relying on her. Cherishes his free time away from her... (she really is a pecking hen)... guess I would be too if I felt vibes that he loved someone else. I think the truck is a step in the right direction, helping him become independent of her. IDk... just living from day to day and trying not to overthink things.
Appreciate all of the advice from all of you. Its all sound and you have the right to feel the way you do, but for 9 years I have been this man's queen. He has always treated me very good and I simply am in a whirlwind now. I don't know how long it will last and am grateful I cannot see into the future. All I know is he is telling me he loves me deeply and misses me terribly.
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Old 10-12-2017, 11:34 AM
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*Update
So Saturday Oct 14 it will be two months since Mr. got paroled. We have been talking frequently this week since "she" is out of town. No doubt in my mind she thinks she and he are forever and this is their relationship. He is working call in for the teamsters. Is getting very few hours (even though the pay is nice). He is talking about getting a truck and becoming independent on where and how he goes places. He says he hates relying on her. Cherishes his free time away from her... (she really is a pecking hen)... guess I would be too if I felt vibes that he loved someone else. I think the truck is a step in the right direction, helping him become independent of her. IDk... just living from day to day and trying not to overthink things.
Appreciate all of the advice from all of you. Its all sound and you have the right to feel the way you do, but for 9 years I have been this man's queen. He has always treated me very good and I simply am in a whirlwind now. I don't know how long it will last and am grateful I cannot see into the future. All I know is he is telling me he loves me deeply and misses me terribly.
He loves and misses you terribly but continues his relationship with her.....that makes absolutely no sense. I guess it makes sense if he wants her and wants to keep you in the sidelines as a backup plan in case it doesn't work out with her. I know this wouldn't be happening to me that's for sure. Good luck to you.
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Old 10-12-2017, 11:53 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Britrdazahead13 View Post
*Update
So Saturday Oct 14 it will be two months since Mr. got paroled. We have been talking frequently this week since "she" is out of town. No doubt in my mind she thinks she and he are forever and this is their relationship. He is working call in for the teamsters. Is getting very few hours (even though the pay is nice). He is talking about getting a truck and becoming independent on where and how he goes places. He says he hates relying on her. Cherishes his free time away from her... (she really is a pecking hen)... guess I would be too if I felt vibes that he loved someone else. I think the truck is a step in the right direction, helping him become independent of her. IDk... just living from day to day and trying not to overthink things.
Appreciate all of the advice from all of you. Its all sound and you have the right to feel the way you do, but for 9 years I have been this man's queen. He has always treated me very good and I simply am in a whirlwind now. I don't know how long it will last and am grateful I cannot see into the future. All I know is he is telling me he loves me deeply and misses me terribly.
Man this sucks. I hate to be harsh, but it sounds like he is stringing you along. You appear to be his "Plan B'. No matter how much he tells you he loves you and is just using her, bottom line he is still with HER. My guess is communication with you will continue until "she" is back home (their home). Don't allow yourself to be second.
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Old 10-12-2017, 11:14 AM
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That proves that you cannot look behind a person's head ever. No matter how long and intense you've been together and being released from prison seems to magnify certain things, attitudes, character trades, whatever.
Not making excuses maybe only trying to find an explanation.
But no matter how much I try to read something positive out of your updates, what he's doing is in my book unforgivable. You don't deserve this. I really feel bad for you. I'm sorry!
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Old 10-12-2017, 11:31 AM
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Sweetheart why are you still hanging around this man , you arent his queen he isnt treating you well.He is with another woman and he is throwing you scraps to keep you in his life so he can have his cake and eat it. He has you waiting in the wings as a safety net. If he loved you deeply he would be with you and only you but he isnt with you he is with her.

if you are content being the other woman and the side chick you carry on its your choice but I think you are building up a huge amount of heartache for yourself.
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Old 10-12-2017, 11:35 AM
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I don't want to be hurtful, but he is not treating you like a queen now. Did he only treat you like a queen when he was locked up? I wish you could read your posts and see reality. I don't know how you package this up in your mind to make it ok, but I would suggest getting a professional therapist to get in your head with you and figure out why you let yourself be treated like this. This man is manipulating you both. you deserve much more than this. I am speaking from experience here and it took a my mwi to teach me not to be objectified or used by a man. I was used for years and have spent years in therapy to end that cycle. What could he possibly be doing for you that is worth letting someone you love sleep with another woman at night? I truly think you are not being honest to yourself about how messed up this is. I'm not trying to change you I'm just trying to plant a seed for you to ponder. He more time you spend with him the more time your wasting that you could meet a true king! I wish you the best! Bless!
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Old 10-12-2017, 11:59 AM
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I'm KNOW what I have to say is putting me on thin ice. As a Correctional Counselor &
Officer for almost thirty years I can say with some authority many of you gals are getting played BIG TIME! I can't tell you how many times I've seen inmates write their GF's love letters using their wive's & GF's stationary and stamps, or talk smack about them among their dorm/cell buddies bragging about ALL their lovers on the street while their wives keep putting money on their books. It use to BLOW my mind!!! The best way to describe them is self serving losers & users. I have to admire some of you for
your loyalty, but if you knew what I knew you'd think TWICE about staying with some of these guys. Honestly, I just don't get it.
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Old 10-15-2017, 04:07 AM
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Brit, I’m very sorry that you’re in this situation. I really think you should take to heart what Bread has shared, it’s a rare insight from the other side of the bars. Another poster on here said something I think really nails it .. that MWI relationships are like the lottery. Our lottery tickets are our hearts and money, and the odds of an MWI relationship succeeding outside the bars are probably about the same as winning the big jackpot. I know I haven’t won it yet, and I’ve bought lottery tickets a time or two.
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Old 10-15-2017, 06:22 AM
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You must believe you deserve to be second best when "she" is in the picture. He is using her and YOU....go ahead and keep justifying his actions but people outside of your circle see shit way different than you.

Do what you have to do....come back and let us know when he chooses her over you, to keep using her, since you cannot provide for him.

UGH
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Old 10-15-2017, 12:46 PM
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Originally Posted by JustBeingMe67 View Post
You must believe you deserve to be second best when "she" is in the picture. He is using her and YOU....go ahead and keep justifying his actions but people outside of your circle see shit way different than you.

Do what you have to do....come back and let us know when he chooses her over you, to keep using her, since you cannot provide for him.

UGH
OUCH! But I think you are exactly on point.
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Old 10-15-2017, 07:12 PM
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You are and it's obvious here.....a very "strong woman with much too offer!!! so I wish you wouldn't let yourself get "disrespected" in such a manner.
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