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When the Relationship is Over... This forum is about discussing your thoughts, feelings and issues now that you and your incarcerated (or formerly incarcerated) loved one are no longer together. (This forum is NOT for bashing - please read the rules before posting.)

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  #1  
Old 01-04-2018, 07:25 PM
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Default Leave it alone or be there?

Long story short: D and I met after his first bid back in 2009. We dated a while and broke up over his addiction he couldn't leave alone. He got locked back up shortly after.
He got out again in 2014 and went by my mom's looking for me because he didn't know how to get in touch with me. At that time, I threw his contact information in the trash.
Fast forward to 2016. He gets locked up again on a 25 year bid under the repeat offender law in Oregon. I wrote him an e-mail through AC and we sent some back and fourth. A few months into it he was getting demanding. Wanting to know why I didn't answer my phone, why I hadn't responded to an e-mail in a timely manner, etc. Keep in mind we were not in a relationship at that point in time.
We haven't spoke since December of 16'. I got an e-mail from him today with the usual "I'm sorry, I miss you, blah blah". Do I respond and try to be there for him or leave it alone? I'm at a loss as to what to do...
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Old 01-04-2018, 07:29 PM
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Originally Posted by milesofmemories View Post
Long story short: D and I met after his first bid back in 2009. We dated a while and broke up over his addiction he couldn't leave alone. He got locked back up shortly after.
He got out again in 2014 and went by my mom's looking for me because he didn't know how to get in touch with me. At that time, I threw his contact information in the trash.
Fast forward to 2016. He gets locked up again on a 25 year bid under the repeat offender law in Oregon. I wrote him an e-mail through AC and we sent some back and fourth. A few months into it he was getting demanding. Wanting to know why I didn't answer my phone, why I hadn't responded to an e-mail in a timely manner, etc. Keep in mind we were not in a relationship at that point in time.
We haven't spoke since December of 16'. I got an e-mail from him today with the usual "I'm sorry, I miss you, blah blah". Do I respond and try to be there for him or leave it alone? I'm at a loss as to what to do...
Respond if you want the hassle. Dont respond if you don't 🤷🏾 at this point he's chosen his addiction and prison over a life on the outside. If he can't value the friendship you've offered that is his loss. Do what feels good for YOU!
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Old 01-04-2018, 08:03 PM
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It's not so much the hassle, it's getting him to understand that I have a life (work, school) and can't drop what I'm doing. But telling him that without making him feel irrelevant.
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Old 01-04-2018, 08:16 PM
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Write him a letter explaining you want to be friends and be there but you have a life that he's not a part of and you have responsibilities besides your friendship. You set up how much you want to be involved or not, he is where he got with no help from you!!! You can see something in him that most wouldn't and he should value that and be damned glad of what you are offering.
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Old 01-04-2018, 08:26 PM
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Write him a letter explaining you want to be friends and be there but you have a life that he's not a part of and you have responsibilities besides your friendship. You set up how much you want to be involved or not, he is where he got with no help from you!!! You can see something in him that most wouldn't and he should value that and be damned glad of what you are offering.
I remember who he was sober. I know that person is still there, somewhere. I think I'm gonna chew on it for a few days. The relationship ended because it was for the best. Not because I didn't love him and he knows it. He also knows how to get them stirred back up.
Men, I swear :/

Thank you for the advice
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Old 01-04-2018, 08:56 PM
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I remember who he was sober. I know that person is still there, somewhere. I think I'm gonna chew on it for a few days. The relationship ended because it was for the best. Not because I didn't love him and he knows it. He also knows how to get them stirred back up.
Men, I swear :/

Thank you for the advice
I totally understand believe me I have been through the emotional wringer with my husband before he died. He could never stay off drugs, he would try and god bless his soul he suffered because of his drug addiction. I just couldn't ever walk away from him because I loved him and I knew he loved me with all his heart. My mother in law to this day can't understand why I ever stayed with him, but loves me for all I did to keep us together. I had been with 3 other men before him, I'm 55 so I don't think thats a huge amount but he was my one true love. He died just over two years ago and not a day goes by that I regret anything because I really had a great love we had great times and some horrible times and we still always had such love no matter what. I know most of my so called friends thought I was crazy so did my family but they also saw how much we loved each other. So my advice is if you really love him then he has a hold on you that unless you decide you can't or won't do this then nothing will stop you. Maybe he is the one maybe not but only you and you alone can decide. I wish you luck and I hope the stupid laws stop punishing people for a medical problem. Addiction is not a choice no one chooses to be an addict. There's no such thing as an X addict, X user, yes but addiction is really a disease and it's easy to say oh just stop but it's a proven fact it's in your genes you can't help what your genes are you can stop using and change your life and be clean and stay sober, but addiction never goes away. You can choose to have a good life and not use but you can't stop your addiction genes. Anyway you can set boundries and stick with them and if he won't then you are driving the train you tell him when to get off the train.!!!
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Old 01-04-2018, 11:10 PM
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Originally Posted by milesofmemories View Post
Long story short: D and I met after his first bid back in 2009. We dated a while and broke up over his addiction he couldn't leave alone. He got locked back up shortly after.
He got out again in 2014 and went by my mom's looking for me because he didn't know how to get in touch with me. At that time, I threw his contact information in the trash.
Fast forward to 2016. He gets locked up again on a 25 year bid under the repeat offender law in Oregon. I wrote him an e-mail through AC and we sent some back and fourth. A few months into it he was getting demanding. Wanting to know why I didn't answer my phone, why I hadn't responded to an e-mail in a timely manner, etc. Keep in mind we were not in a relationship at that point in time.
We haven't spoke since December of 16'. I got an e-mail from him today with the usual "I'm sorry, I miss you, blah blah". Do I respond and try to be there for him or leave it alone? I'm at a loss as to what to do...

25 years is a long bid... leave it alone God has something better
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Old 01-05-2018, 04:03 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by milesofmemories View Post
Long story short: D and I met after his first bid back in 2009. We dated a while and broke up over his addiction he couldn't leave alone. He got locked back up shortly after.
He got out again in 2014 and went by my mom's looking for me because he didn't know how to get in touch with me. At that time, I threw his contact information in the trash.
Fast forward to 2016. He gets locked up again on a 25 year bid under the repeat offender law in Oregon. I wrote him an e-mail through AC and we sent some back and fourth. A few months into it he was getting demanding. Wanting to know why I didn't answer my phone, why I hadn't responded to an e-mail in a timely manner, etc. Keep in mind we were not in a relationship at that point in time.
We haven't spoke since December of 16'. I got an e-mail from him today with the usual "I'm sorry, I miss you, blah blah". Do I respond and try to be there for him or leave it alone? I'm at a loss as to what to do...
Leave it and him alone.....Go on about your life and future.
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Old 01-05-2018, 04:33 AM
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Being where I am in my life right now (middle-aged) and looking/thinking back I'd be there as a friend maybe only but not more. 25 years is too long to wait...
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Old 01-05-2018, 07:55 AM
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Only you know what you really want here.
If you want to be involved and how much.
You know him. You say he will suck you back in.
I guess it depends on how you think you'd handle it.

If it were me? And I really didnt want to deal with someone who is demanding?
I'd skip it.
He's got a long bid, and you still have a life to live.
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Old 01-05-2018, 08:22 AM
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Just because you love someone doesn’t mean they’re meant to be a part of your life. Some people are lovely, but only meant for a season. I’m not saying that’s the case with the two of you (I know nothing about you), but it’s something to keep in mind.

If you want to correspond, I think you need to set out your boundaries to both yourself and your ex from the very get-go. You’d like to write and be friends, but you have a life out here and it’s not always going to be on his time, nor is there any room for his controlling behavior. He can either agree and you can see how it goes or he can move along. I’m sure he’ll agree with everything you say. But be prepared to walk away if he goes back to the way he was. If you don’t want to live a life romantically tied to a man in prison, you need to set those boundaries for yourself, too. If you let things get out of hand, you’ll wake up one day desperately in love with someone you won’t be able to really be with when that’s never what you wanted to begin with

Good luck with your decision!

Good luck with your choice!
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Old 01-05-2018, 10:44 AM
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I wouldn’t correspond, that’d be risking developing more feelings for him when he clearly can’t get his act together. But that’s just me.
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Old 01-05-2018, 11:00 AM
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25 years!!! Leave that alone.
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Old 01-05-2018, 11:08 AM
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I would leave it and not respond to him
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Old 01-06-2018, 01:47 PM
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You're at least sentient(aware) of the fact, he is just citing the obvious, i love you's and i've learned, without ACTION it means NADA.It's clear to me which "road drugs/street life took him." If he had remained with you he would have been happy/happier/straight/no prison. Sad some end up again in the same situation as "D."(Some don't.)
-
Good luck chica, let me know how it turns out, pero ...(but)if he is serious you're going to feel/know it at each turn. Good luck with "D" and i wish you well if you're moving on and or moving "forward"with D.. WRITE HIM THOUGH(i'd do it.)But only 1x, and or even via-email if he has email.Or accept 1 or 2 phone calls and be up front/straight forward with him. If you're going to be there at "times with him,as amigo(as a friend)that is IMO(in my opinion)fine.But,set those boundaries."

Sorry, he got 25 long years.Is he going to try and challenge it/appeal et.al.,
or he can't. I pray for you. #Make The Right Choice, and not just the "best" choice for you, and think with your MIND, not your heart.I do that and so far it's working for me. Life too short not to truly be cared for/respected and loved." D Hugs and Blessings." Adios.
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If such a love is able to transcend beyond the prison drama/gate, you are meant to be.

Mi fiancee-bff es currently out of prison
@ 12:01 a.m.on thanksgiving eve.

Next?
#Weekends alone #me+him Snugglin' with- Hot Chocolate, Winter-Kisses that we both have patiently longed for,without D.O.C.

Last edited by a.rare.love; 01-06-2018 at 01:54 PM..
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Old 01-06-2018, 01:48 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MizzyMuffling View Post
Being where I am in my life right now (middle-aged) and looking/thinking back I'd be there as a friend maybe only but not more. 25 years is too long to wait...


Agreeing again with Mizzy. 100% each word, and in bold color blue/red/orange.
Adios.
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If such a love is able to transcend beyond the prison drama/gate, you are meant to be.

Mi fiancee-bff es currently out of prison
@ 12:01 a.m.on thanksgiving eve.

Next?
#Weekends alone #me+him Snugglin' with- Hot Chocolate, Winter-Kisses that we both have patiently longed for,without D.O.C.
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Old 01-06-2018, 11:12 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by xolady View Post
I totally understand believe me I have been through the emotional wringer with my husband before he died. He could never stay off drugs, he would try and god bless his soul he suffered because of his drug addiction. I just couldn't ever walk away from him because I loved him and I knew he loved me with all his heart. My mother in law to this day can't understand why I ever stayed with him, but loves me for all I did to keep us together. I had been with 3 other men before him, I'm 55 so I don't think thats a huge amount but he was my one true love. He died just over two years ago and not a day goes by that I regret anything because I really had a great love we had great times and some horrible times and we still always had such love no matter what. I know most of my so called friends thought I was crazy so did my family but they also saw how much we loved each other. So my advice is if you really love him then he has a hold on you that unless you decide you can't or won't do this then nothing will stop you. Maybe he is the one maybe not but only you and you alone can decide. I wish you luck and I hope the stupid laws stop punishing people for a medical problem. Addiction is not a choice no one chooses to be an addict. There's no such thing as an X addict, X user, yes but addiction is really a disease and it's easy to say oh just stop but it's a proven fact it's in your genes you can't help what your genes are you can stop using and change your life and be clean and stay sober, but addiction never goes away. You can choose to have a good life and not use but you can't stop your addiction genes. Anyway you can set boundries and stick with them and if he won't then you are driving the train you tell him when to get off the train.!!!

Thank you for sharing your story with me and the rest of us. Sorry for your loss. I couldn't imagine. It takes one hell of a person to stick it out in that situation.

I mulled it over for a few days and sent him an e-mail via Access Corrections. I didn't even really respond to anything he said, basically stated how I was feeling about speaking to him again and set some "ground rules". I sent it out yesterday morning. I tried adding money to the old account I had on TelMate and just ask him to call me so we could discuss things, but it wouldn't let me view his profile to add him and he was no longer a contact. Not sure how long it'll be until he gets the e-mail or if he'll even respond, but I extended my friendship to him again.

Now I wait. He has never been one for boundaries or rules and, I've never been good at setting them with him, so this is new. We'll see what happens.
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Old 01-06-2018, 11:21 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by a.rare.love View Post
You're at least sentient(aware) of the fact, he is just citing the obvious, i love you's and i've learned, without ACTION it means NADA.It's clear to me which "road drugs/street life took him." If he had remained with you he would have been happy/happier/straight/no prison. Sad some end up again in the same situation as "D."(Some don't.)
-
Good luck chica, let me know how it turns out, pero ...(but)if he is serious you're going to feel/know it at each turn. Good luck with "D" and i wish you well if you're moving on and or moving "forward"with D.. WRITE HIM THOUGH(i'd do it.)But only 1x, and or even via-email if he has email.Or accept 1 or 2 phone calls and be up front/straight forward with him. If you're going to be there at "times with him,as amigo(as a friend)that is IMO(in my opinion)fine.But,set those boundaries."

Sorry, he got 25 long years.Is he going to try and challenge it/appeal et.al.,
or he can't. I pray for you. #Make The Right Choice, and not just the "best" choice for you, and think with your MIND, not your heart.I do that and so far it's working for me. Life too short not to truly be cared for/respected and loved." D Hugs and Blessings." Adios.

Thank you for the advice. I chose to go ahead and e-mail him. Waiting on a response...

I really doubt he'll appeal it. He never mentioned it in the past. He has 13 Robbery 2 charges and 1 Robbery 1 charge he is doing the 25 years for. All under the habitual offender guidelines (his first bid was for manufacturing/distribution and his second bid was for manufacturing/distribution/felon in possession of a firearm) as well and every one of those robberies aside from 1 or 2 were caught on camera. It was plastered all over the news in the town we lived in (if he would have taken it to trial it would have been worse than the deal he took). He's up the creek without a paddle at this point.
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Old 01-07-2018, 06:15 PM
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Oh, that's really good, milesofmemories.

I happy you're now electing to yes reach you via e-mail chica, hola.

Great! Please let me know how it all turns out!

YES,set those boundaries. I know i have early on myself, and i wish you
the best. I really do. Hugs -n- Blessings.Adios.
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If such a love is able to transcend beyond the prison drama/gate, you are meant to be.

Mi fiancee-bff es currently out of prison
@ 12:01 a.m.on thanksgiving eve.

Next?
#Weekends alone #me+him Snugglin' with- Hot Chocolate, Winter-Kisses that we both have patiently longed for,without D.O.C.
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Old 01-08-2018, 01:19 PM
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Smile He replied

Well, he replied...he said he understands where I'm coming from and apologized about the impatience he showed before. He also said he accepts the "terms" of us speaking again (I really made it sounds like something you would find in a business agreement lol).

On a side note, he is doing really well since I spoke to him last. He has had clear conduct, moved to the honors dorm and he is working.

So far so good, but I'm going back into this with caution.

Thank y'all again for the advice and opinions.
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