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Old 01-09-2019, 06:34 AM
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Default Not So Keen on PFV’s with My Husband

There will be a lot of disagreement here but I need to share these feelings. My apologies.

I know that private family visits [ PFV ‘ s ] are a privilege unavailable to many cause they are not a part of many prison systems.

The correction service portrays these visits as a way to „ maintain family bonds ” and media say these visits are „ highly respected ” by inmates. I do not know this or not so sure what to believe. It is my thoughts that unless it is a visit w a parent, close family members or children, I think that family bonds are barely thought about when it comes to the sexual purpose. If that makes sense . . .

I can finally have open visits w my husband now & I’ve made arrangements to go see him. [... already have history of visits @ last facility ...] A lockdown just got lifted so I am lucky I can do weekday visitation unlike others. He will probably bring the PFV ‘s up and resume with sexualised talk.

[ Btw - - He is doing fine in there despite the reputation of the place being a harder medium security. He says it is like summer camp compared to his military days. If he feels this way, he’s never going to learn. ]

He’s reminded me by some letters and a telephone call last night to do my side of the application for the PFV ’ s. He does not force, threaten or whine but the quicker I do my part, the quicker they can look into the application, and the better timing for the visit. His institution is known for processing these things better than others . . .

It is difficult to explain but, I do not really want to do it. It is not that I do not love my husband or I have fears for my safety . . . but the whole scenario grosses me out .

There are sources online showing the „ units ” for the PFV ’s and they look decent : like a normal basic home. But I cringe at the thought if they are not cleaned well enough [ do the prison workers even care to clean these well ???? ] after prior use. Not only the bedroom but the bathroom and the kitchen . . .

In no disrespect to sex workers but I would feel like a cheap prostitute entering onto prison grounds knowing that the other party [ although my husband . . . ] is waiting there for sex. It is the whole atmosphere I find off - putting.

CO ’s will have gone through the packed goods of numerous PFV visitors , and so it is not such big a deal to them, but I feel uncomfortable over it . Feels like an invasion of privacy ... especially if an inmate has requests on what to pack .. [ within the rules ]

I understand that these visits are key in the correctional service’s overall plan to help inmates transfer better and keep family bonds ... but I just do not believe my husband deserves such a visit. He’s not focused on any positive change. He regrets not being home and the trouble he’s caused but he sees nothing wrong in his actions. He has no addictions or sob story to „ explain away ” his actions. So why should he have such a privilege ???

If he framed the 72 hrs visit as „ reconnection ” and looking forward to „ home cooking ” or being lazy watching T.V., instead of raunchy sex talk, maybe my view would be different.

Relationships ought to have balance and agreement but I don’t know if I am too rigid or he is a pig. I look negatively on our PFV situation cause to me, it is one big sexcapade with little benefit for his „ rehabilitation .” He already has a stable home environment for when he gets home .... in some years. That is not going to change.

It is a tough position. Obviously I want an extended visit with my husband cause I miss him. But his piggishness and the setting make me feel cheap and gross.

This is not a normal scenario no matter how one looks at it. And please, do not be sarcastic asking „ what is normal any way ? ”. It simply is not.

If I say no, he’ll be hurt, maybe give me some cold shoulder for a day or two but I am not afraid to say no, as he will let it pass . So it is not like „ no ” means he will retaliate in any way. Obviously I know better to say these things when / if I go through the application process ... but I need them off my chest.

I love my husband and want to overcome this prison barrier so that we continue to grow in our marriage for our lifetimes. We have an opportunity, a privilege, here ... but I don’t know .. I am still angry with him. Angry that he kept me in the dark, angry he is in there, and angry he derailed my life. But this anger is only on the topic of him ... I do not live in anger overall.

Is there a way to look at PFV ‘ s positively with my concerns ? Tell me I am only a zealot who needs to „ get w the times ” or some thing ...

Am I being too hard on him ?

How do I balance my thoughts on this with his needs / his wants / his „ rehabilitation ”?

Do these visits even contribute to the betterment of marriages during incarceration ??? Many couples do not have them and go on to be fine . . . many examples here . Can any one share their experience ?

I am sorry if I said any thing upsetting. It was not my intent.
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Old 01-09-2019, 07:05 AM
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since my hub was not allowed a family visit, I didnt have to think about it.
But truth?
I'd feel very much like you do.
I would be very uncomfortable, and I dont think I could have done this.



As to the cleanliness of the facility? I'd have no idea but my guess is, it would be very very clean.


To add> And its not that I think any *less* of anyone able to go have a family visit. I just know how I would feel about myself. I dont think that way of anyone else having that kind of visit.
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Old 01-09-2019, 08:10 AM
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Yes, exactly sidewalker, all the power in the world to those who benefit from the PFV opportunity. I understand the use of the program and that it has positive effects for some people.

I read an [ older ] scholarly article that said leaving the loved one at the end of the visit was difficult. There is that to consider too.

Thank you for your reply though. I do not feel so „ crazy ” now cause I thought I was the only one who thought in such a way.
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Old 01-09-2019, 09:30 AM
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Originally Posted by Ne Plach’ View Post
In no disrespect to sex workers but I would feel like a cheap prostitute entering onto prison grounds knowing that the other party [ although my husband . . . ] is waiting there for sex. It is the whole atmosphere I find off - putting.

I understand that these visits are key in the correctional service’s overall plan to help inmates transfer better and keep family bonds ... but I just do not believe my husband deserves such a visit. He’s not focused on any positive change. He regrets not being home and the trouble he’s caused but he sees nothing wrong in his actions. He has no addictions or sob story to „ explain away ” his actions. So why should he have such a privilege ???

If he framed the 72 hrs visit as „ reconnection ” and looking forward to „ home cooking ” or being lazy watching T.V., instead of raunchy sex talk, maybe my view would be different.

Obviously I want an extended visit with my husband cause I miss him. But his piggishness and the setting make me feel cheap and gross.
I may be wrong but to me it sounds like a huge part of all this is about your resentment towards your husband's actions & the consequences (crimes => prison) and his approach to family visits as just a way to have sex. I think we, as women, need to feel loved & appreciated, not just lusted after, in order to be turned on sexually....so I don't blame you for not feeling comfortable about his approach and/or the way he communicates about this. The baggage from past actions (his inability/unwillingness to own this and apologise) is, in my opinion, to be expected. I hope you guys can resolve these issues though because you don't want the resentment following you to your future years together.

I am not lucky to have family visits as we're not married, but honestly, I would be excited to have that chance! Sure it's not the ideal circumstance but I personally would be elated to be able to spend time with him (sex included ) -- then again, we're all different and none of what you write about here upset me in any way, I think it is an interesting opportunity to see how someone else sees this. If you feel this strongly about not wanting to do it, I would say don't do it
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Old 01-09-2019, 01:48 PM
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Yes, Sarianna, you are on point here. 150 % !

There is a level of resentment for his actions. He strung me along with his „ good boy ” act and I had NO reason to doubt him. I ask myself, „ was I that stupid not to see ?” He did every thing „right” [ as in being a decent man ]until he could not hide the scum that is his soul any more.

That was really harsh . . . wow . . .

But there are guys in there who are really trying to better themselves and they deserve family visit time. My husband ? Not so much.

Fact is that I do love him, even if that seems questionable right now. I would like to get over this mental barrier of seeing him intimately on prison grounds and in a situation where I have no control over cleanliness , etc.

You are correct in that it is the way he is handling the possible visit. It is sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex. Not in that he will be happy to see me, he wants a decent meal .. . He says that is „ just assumed ” I know that. He thinks his dirty letters fulfill this role.

It feels as though he could call in for a pizza, have sex with the pizza and get the same result. He has no nuance in prison. At least outside, he could charm a pearl out of an oyster.

Not sure what „ family bonds ” the correctional service hopes to further with this one.

I wish I could put it into my head to think of this positively rather than a dirty and creepy experience. He is my husband after all ...
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Old 01-09-2019, 02:38 PM
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I would love family visits, it wont happen as Colorado dont have them. i would hate the fact that our first physical intimacy was in a prison but, so was our first kiss and hug and thats were we fell in love. Our situation is different to yours as we are MWI.
I would go and be grateful as so many families never have this chance.
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Old 01-09-2019, 05:50 PM
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Yes, I am very much aware that not all jurisdictions allow for family visits. As I noted, it is an opportunity and privilege not afforded to all. Perhaps I should feel grateful but . . .

You are correct in that the feeling is different between MWI and married prior to incarceration. As you say, all the main markers of a relationship occur in a prison setting while for us, it has been in a less secure / utilitarian setting. I have not even had a contact visit yet, which will change tomorrow, and that is odd enough.
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Old 01-09-2019, 06:16 PM
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Tomorrow's contact visit may help you decide.
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Old 01-09-2019, 07:28 PM
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Have a discussion with him about this whole clash in attitudes. And tell him how it feels when he can't speak of anything but sex as a reason for the PFVs. Gently, kindly.

Print out this thread if you wish and send it to him. It will give you talking points and some validation. Apologize in advance, if you really think this may offend his sensibilities.
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Old 01-09-2019, 07:50 PM
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Yes it is not a natural environment, but besides sex you get to connect and be with one another. Talk for hours and even cuddle. You can cook together so on and so forth. Right now, he is horny. He has sex on the brain and wants it with his wife. If he didn't want it, you would be offended and feel like he is not attracted to you.

We have them here but we are not married. He will be home before we had a chance to file paperwork, get married, him moved and then wait 6 months. We are hoping he is loved in 82 days to a program and they dont allow marriage in that program.

You both need to put yourselves in the other shoes when communicating. Yes he could be home in 2 years, but could be gone for 6 years. Keeping the connection is important. Pretend it is a camping trip.
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Old 01-09-2019, 08:17 PM
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Originally Posted by onedayatatime13 View Post
Yes it is not a natural environment, but besides sex you get to connect and be with one another. Talk for hours and even cuddle. You can cook together so on and so forth. Right now, he is horny. He has sex on the brain and wants it with his wife. If he didn't want it, you would be offended and feel like he is not attracted to you.

We have them here but we are not married. He will be home before we had a chance to file paperwork, get married, him moved and then wait 6 months. We are hoping he is loved in 82 days to a program and they dont allow marriage in that program.

You both need to put yourselves in the other shoes when communicating. Yes he could be home in 2 years, but could be gone for 6 years. Keeping the connection is important. Pretend it is a camping trip.
It seems like in this case the OP is feeling put off by her husbands attitude and for the fact that he doesn’t seem to be taking any responsibility and that he left her in the dark. All of that is a turn off. I feel like you shouldn’t be expected to do anything out of obligation especially if it’s really putting you off and it feels wrong you feel disgusted by the situation. That could even make it traumatic.
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Old 01-09-2019, 08:26 PM
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It seems like in this case the OP is feeling put off by her husbands attitude and for the fact that he doesn’t seem to be taking any responsibility and that he left her in the dark. All of that is a turn off. I feel like you shouldn’t be expected to do anything out of obligation especially if it’s really putting you off and it feels wrong you feel disgusted by the situation. That could even make it traumatic.
I think is his the attitude and where it is. It is combination of both. He may be talking about sex because of not having it for a bit how. Those urges dont go away esp if they are highly sexual to begin with. It is not saying she is obligated at all. The way he is approaching is more juvenile. Yet, at the end of the day, if they want to be physically intimate this is the only way until he comes home.

There are many women who cheat because of the lack of physical intimacy. They're are many relationships that break down because of it.humans do need touch. This is why we crave contact visits. The senses connect you to one another.

Every relationship is different and people look at this as a positive and negative thing. This is more than about the visits. It is about coming to acceptance with the situation and communication.
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Old 01-09-2019, 09:46 PM
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Going to reply to all of this good replies :

Some times I forget that people are not like me at all. For my teens / beginning of early adulthood, I believed I would pursue religious asceticism. I forget that ppl accept hornyness as normal . .

I knew going into marriage that he is a highly sexed individual. And he knew I am the way I am. We had a similar issue [ dirty sex talk ] when he was in remand. But he believes that a nice person can be turned naughty but a naughty person can never be turned nice . . . so he tries . . and fails . .

I should not be annoyed with him at this point, cause he is who he is, but I am ticked off.

So . . . Yes . . . it is a mix of his attitude and the environment. He cannot fix / change the environment but he can change his attitude.

Perhaps I feel as though those inmates working towards good things should have PFV ‘ s and those that want to work out / play cards / read / sleep [ ... my husband... ] should not get them. But this is difficult to determine in such a system ...

To be fair to the correctional system, they have decent looking units that must be so nice for inmates to have a break. It would have been better if I could bring my own linens though ... & lots of Lysol wipes ...

And did not have to have a stranger go through my things ...

And see chain - link fencing ....

And some one coming in to do „ count ”.

If I printed this thread, it would have all my thoughts on one document. But I would have to apologise for calling his soul „ scum ” and that might be too damaging.

We got lots of hours this week to talk @ visiting but I struggle with doing it „ kindly, gently.” Probably a big breath and look at HIM when I talk to HIM and not negative thoughts.

Not making sense now - - - badly jet - lagged.
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Old 01-10-2019, 10:09 AM
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It sounds to me like the real issue is that you don't feel loved, respected or heard. Who wants to have sex with a pig? It also sounds like he hasn't been in very long. Love & Respect is a really good book/workbook that you guys could do together. Maybe it would be best to address your issues together first so that you don't end up crying and feeling used and disgusted. When you really respect a man and feel loved and cherished by him, the idea of being able to spend a night together is something to look forward to. The sheets and blanket will be clean, and it will have had way less action in it than a hotel room, where only the fanciest hotels replace the mattresses every 3-5 years, and the majority going 10 years or more. If you're like me, I think hotel rooms are gross but I would honestly give anything to spend one night with my husband. I'd even have sex with him in the seediest grossest dirtiest motel room and somehow make it special and not trashy.
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Old 01-10-2019, 11:43 AM
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Grolarbear, you gave a really good way to look at it : the mattresses will be used less than a hotel . True ! True ! Yes, I think hotels are gross too. That is why I have a system and only book the best.

For a PFV, it seems as though there are basic cleansers available in the unit, so if I go, will clean it myself. [ For my own piece of mind . ]

Last time husband & I have been intimate in a hotel [ with permission cause he was on bail ... ] and it was the best 5* in the city. So an institutional setting ?? Not so appealing .. yes . . I know, get over my grudges...

I respect my husband as I would respect Ratko Mladić, Genghis Khan or a colonel. He is a man capable of taking care of issues and being head of the household. But I admit I lost a lot of respect for him for being in prison. This is my fault and my hang up.

And yes, I do not feel loved any more. When he was out, he is the kind to bring flowers, even those he picked, compliment, give random gifts „ cause I was thinking about you.” Every thing happened so naturally rather than artificial, like it seems so now ...

I’ve told him this prior. He says he does not know what to do. I guess I fail too cause I do not help him along. Our communication is better . . we both write more / he calls . In prison, it is just sexual and it seems like the PFV is to get his rocks off. That is it.

I agree that „ When you really respect a man and feel loved and cherished by him, the idea of being able to spend a night together is something to look forward to.” 100 % !

Thank you for the book suggestion. It looks good & will buy it.

And I just want to complain some more . . . I hate evening visits !! I leave for the aeroport in 1.5 hrs and I sit here going stir crazy waiting !!!
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Old 01-10-2019, 02:37 PM
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Grolarbear, you gave a really good way to look at it : the mattresses will be used less than a hotel . True ! True ! Yes, I think hotels are gross too. That is why I have a system and only book the best.

For a PFV, it seems as though there are basic cleansers available in the unit, so if I go, will clean it myself. [ For my own piece of mind . ]

Last time husband & I have been intimate in a hotel [ with permission cause he was on bail ... ] and it was the best 5* in the city. So an institutional setting ?? Not so appealing .. yes . . I know, get over my grudges...

I respect my husband as I would respect Ratko Mladić, Genghis Khan or a colonel. He is a man capable of taking care of issues and being head of the household. But I admit I lost a lot of respect for him for being in prison. This is my fault and my hang up.

And yes, I do not feel loved any more. When he was out, he is the kind to bring flowers, even those he picked, compliment, give random gifts „ cause I was thinking about you.” Every thing happened so naturally rather than artificial, like it seems so now ...

I’ve told him this prior. He says he does not know what to do. I guess I fail too cause I do not help him along. Our communication is better . . we both write more / he calls . In prison, it is just sexual and it seems like the PFV is to get his rocks off. That is it.

I agree that „ When you really respect a man and feel loved and cherished by him, the idea of being able to spend a night together is something to look forward to.” 100 % !

Thank you for the book suggestion. It looks good & will buy it.

And I just want to complain some more . . . I hate evening visits !! I leave for the aeroport in 1.5 hrs and I sit here going stir crazy waiting !!!
You got married knowing he was going to prison. This is going to eat away at you if you don't find ways to come to terms with it. It will eat away at your marriage.

What changed that you lost respect for him, especially since you knew the outcome? I mean this sincerely. Or is it just the reality of it hitting you?

I view this as annewky married man who is in a shitty situation that wants the opportunity to be intimate with him wife. He has always been crass and vulgar. You have shared that before.

When you did the language of love quiz, his was physical. He shows love through physical touch. He receives love the same way. Many men feel they are not a man esp married if they dont fulfill their wife's physical needs. Money is taken care of, but the physical is not.

I'm just putting things together you have posted over the years. You guys are different, but you love each other. Communicating has always been the biggest issue and using this time to work on it will help keep your marriage in tact.
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Old 01-11-2019, 04:07 AM
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I would love family visits, it wont happen as Colorado dont have them. i would hate the fact that our first physical intimacy was in a prison but, so was our first kiss and hug and thats were we fell in love. Our situation is different to yours as we are MWI.
I would go and be grateful as so many families never have this chance.
I'm right there with you. Although we knew and loved each other (though weren't allowed to date) a long time before, our first kiss and hug was in prison too, and of course we married in there.

I would totally go for it if we had the opportunity! But even IF Colorado was to get them I'm sure he would be excluded just because of the type of crime he's in for. They barely ever let them have relationships.
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Old 01-11-2019, 06:58 AM
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Long post . . . tired . . . bad English . . . sorry . .

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What changed that you lost respect for him, especially since you knew the outcome? I mean this sincerely. Or is it just the reality of it hitting you?
Yes, I knew ahead of my marriage that he would go to prison. I own that 100 %.

What changed and made me lose respect ?

It finally came to light that he did illegal things with his full consent, knowledge and conscience, which does not bother him, that I lost respect. After he showed himself to me as a nice man in the beginning.

Some of the firearms convictions initiated these feelings. A person purposely defaces a serial # for a reason ; not a mistake and never a good reason.

I am very sympathetic to those who make mistakes, misjudgments or have extenuating circumstances that they fall into crime /prison. It happens easily to anyone. Stand by your man . . . but he did not make a mistake.

When his PSR was completed, it was obvious. He has no extenuating circumstances [ o.k. may be he is from a poor corrupt country but he has / had stable family, stable relationships, stable job, no addictions, no mental illness, financial security ].

And if he did not have stability and financial security, I would not have married him. Joke is on me !

He knows I feel this way. We had a big argument about it prior to sentencing. He said he did not want me to worry or leave him so he denied guilt until the end, when he pleaded. His lawyers knew. I looked dumb.

In return, I told him that he denied me the right to a choice of what I would have done then. All he could say is, „ da, ty prav ” [ „you’re right”] ... and if I wanted to go, then go, but he does not want me to go, and for some reason, I cannot either. Why ? Love . . . I love him.

I do not know how to recuperate my image of him. He has done honourable things and he is a self - made man. He has strength and perseverance that is amazing. He is knowledgeable on so many topics and he is intelligent. So why the focus on base topics ??

He strongly believes in loyalty and morals . . . which is hard to believe. He is kind and generous. I still respect his opinion on many things. But then layers of asshole that did criminal things come to mind . .

When I visited my brother, I chatted with a woman who was visiting her husband. He told her that he got a job in the forestry industry [ taking home good pay cheques...] but then he got arrested for large scale trafficking of drugs. She understood me exactly about being in the dark, this „ need to protect ”, et cetera, now she must raise a teen son on her own. While she is disappointed in her husband, she does not resent him and loves him like crazy. I wish I could get to a point like her.

Yes, I agree, he is simply a newly married man wanting intimacy . . . but framing it the wrong way . Very overbearing. He thinks he can nudge me out of my bubble . . . but I put on a big mental block. It is so much magnified now cause of the lack of regular contact and have to rely on really overt expressions : overt expressions that I have been taught are vile, sinful & too worldly. He wants letters / photos / PFV when before he only had to roll over at 2 A.M., which is more natural.

And I agree, this will be a cancer that eats our marriage away . And you know ? I know it is my fault.

Contact Visit : Fbop was correct : after the contact visit, I might change my mind. It was so good to see him, touch him, kiss him and hold him. A million ways better than glass .

He is such a strange man. When he saw me, after we embraced / kissed, he went on in shock saying that I looked „ amazing . “ Over and over again. He said I looked „ beautiful ” before but with health I look „ more beautiful ” and the glass at the closed visits did not really show it. He asked if my breasts got bigger too ?!?!?! I wore magenta wool / tweed trousers and a floral blouse so I think it was only bright colours that made him happy. And . . . he was visibly aroused.

He reiterated again that I needed to get on the application STAT. Do not be so cruel, as he says.

He apologised for causing me to see him in such a place cause „ I do not deserve it ” and „ do not belong ” in there. Don’t belong in there but belong on prison grounds for a PFV ? Hmmm ...

We had a really good visit, otherwise.

But at the end, saying good - bye, after embracing / kissing, he reminded me again of the application and he whispered some vulgarities. 2e time visibly aroused.

I said to him really ?? With all the contraband coming into this place, you can’t get your hands on some dirty magazines to ease your brain a bit ???

If I take the next visits, he might have a nervous breakdown. Poor man.
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Old 01-11-2019, 09:18 AM
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Well, I have to say I admire your courage in posting all this out here, and also the good work you seem to be doing with processing this and of working through it.... It's a tough situation but you are clearly self-aware and logical I bet you're not the only person struggling with finding balance between love and the resentment that a loved one's crimes bring to the table (I personally do not even believe in "mistakes" when it comes to committing crimes) In your case, I think I've commented before, that these issues might -and hopefully will- become easier with some time. You two are still newlyweds and in the beginning of his sentence. Perhaps you can give yourselves some time to process all this....you might feel different in six months or a year, you know? I am glad you guys are communicating though and again, I think it's great that you post about this, so thanks for that!
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Old 01-11-2019, 09:47 AM
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Long post . . . tired . . . bad English . . . sorry . .



Yes, I knew ahead of my marriage that he would go to prison. I own that 100 %.

What changed and made me lose respect ?

It finally came to light that he did illegal things with his full consent, knowledge and conscience, which does not bother him, that I lost respect. After he showed himself to me as a nice man in the beginning.

Some of the firearms convictions initiated these feelings. A person purposely defaces a serial # for a reason ; not a mistake and never a good reason.

I am very sympathetic to those who make mistakes, misjudgments or have extenuating circumstances that they fall into crime /prison. It happens easily to anyone. Stand by your man . . . but he did not make a mistake.

When his PSR was completed, it was obvious. He has no extenuating circumstances [ o.k. may be he is from a poor corrupt country but he has / had stable family, stable relationships, stable job, no addictions, no mental illness, financial security ].

And if he did not have stability and financial security, I would not have married him. Joke is on me !

He knows I feel this way. We had a big argument about it prior to sentencing. He said he did not want me to worry or leave him so he denied guilt until the end, when he pleaded. His lawyers knew. I looked dumb.

In return, I told him that he denied me the right to a choice of what I would have done then. All he could say is, „ da, ty prav ” [ „you’re right”] ... and if I wanted to go, then go, but he does not want me to go, and for some reason, I cannot either. Why ? Love . . . I love him.

I do not know how to recuperate my image of him. He has done honourable things and he is a self - made man. He has strength and perseverance that is amazing. He is knowledgeable on so many topics and he is intelligent. So why the focus on base topics ??

He strongly believes in loyalty and morals . . . which is hard to believe. He is kind and generous. I still respect his opinion on many things. But then layers of asshole that did criminal things come to mind . .

When I visited my brother, I chatted with a woman who was visiting her husband. He told her that he got a job in the forestry industry [ taking home good pay cheques...] but then he got arrested for large scale trafficking of drugs. She understood me exactly about being in the dark, this „ need to protect ”, et cetera, now she must raise a teen son on her own. While she is disappointed in her husband, she does not resent him and loves him like crazy. I wish I could get to a point like her.

Yes, I agree, he is simply a newly married man wanting intimacy . . . but framing it the wrong way . Very overbearing. He thinks he can nudge me out of my bubble . . . but I put on a big mental block. It is so much magnified now cause of the lack of regular contact and have to rely on really overt expressions : overt expressions that I have been taught are vile, sinful & too worldly. He wants letters / photos / PFV when before he only had to roll over at 2 A.M., which is more natural.

And I agree, this will be a cancer that eats our marriage away . And you know ? I know it is my fault.

Contact Visit : Fbop was correct : after the contact visit, I might change my mind. It was so good to see him, touch him, kiss him and hold him. A million ways better than glass .

He is such a strange man. When he saw me, after we embraced / kissed, he went on in shock saying that I looked „ amazing . “ Over and over again. He said I looked „ beautiful ” before but with health I look „ more beautiful ” and the glass at the closed visits did not really show it. He asked if my breasts got bigger too ?!?!?! I wore magenta wool / tweed trousers and a floral blouse so I think it was only bright colours that made him happy. And . . . he was visibly aroused.

He reiterated again that I needed to get on the application STAT. Do not be so cruel, as he says.

He apologised for causing me to see him in such a place cause „ I do not deserve it ” and „ do not belong ” in there. Don’t belong in there but belong on prison grounds for a PFV ? Hmmm ...

We had a really good visit, otherwise.

But at the end, saying good - bye, after embracing / kissing, he reminded me again of the application and he whispered some vulgarities. 2e time visibly aroused.

I said to him really ?? With all the contraband coming into this place, you can’t get your hands on some dirty magazines to ease your brain a bit ???

If I take the next visits, he might have a nervous breakdown. Poor man.
I agree with you on the mistakes. They are choices. Some more deliberate than others. While I have never committed a crime, I made choices in my life that have impacted those around me too. We all have.

I was extremely angry with my guy in the beginning. In the dark too, so I get it. I did have to make a choice though to stay or leave. At first, it was do nothing and watch. I set boundaries, but I knew I had to forgive him and myself if we wanted to have a shot.

I worry more about the after. Will I be the nagging annoying wife. Where are you going? Who are you with? Show me your phone. So you are not alone in all this by far as to the mind racing, overthinking, etc.

Yet, while there is not much he can do in there, he is doing all he can to show me he is changing. Yes, certain thought patterns need to be worked through. We both view the world differently. Yet, we fight the issue not with each other.

It took a good year, but I was able to really look at everything and say to him I'm proud of you. When he got his breakdown of numbers for work release I knew everything was truth and how well behaved he has been. His goal was no tickets, so he can get into a program and come home. It may not seem like much to some, but in the hostility of where he is and how strict it is, it says a lot.

As time goes on, what they are not a part of sinks in. When major stuff happens, it stinks in more. Time is your friend in this as he evaluates his life.

For you, you're processing. There is no blame or putting yourself down. But you all made choices to be together, to ger through this and have a life when it is over. At some point, for your sanity and the health of your marriage you will need to come to peace with everything.

I view this world differently. It used to bother me going to visit. What they must think of me? Etc etc. Over time this has subsided a lot. Now I dont care. Guards have never been really disrespectful toward me. I think in my head that they have a job to do and they are there to keep everyone safe. It helps reframe. Letting go of the shame and embarrassment is difficult at first. I have come to see that the world is not black and white. Lots of grey areas.a lot of what I thought to be true about life, people, religion has changed over the years.

Have patience and breathe.
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Old 01-11-2019, 10:35 AM
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Sarianna : It is embarrassing to say so much but where else is there to say it ? You know ?

My friends say to leave him cause there are lots of good / normal guys in the world. I cannot share w them cause they wanna show me the cottages they might buy, play equipment for their children, remodeling plans . . Do I rain on their parade ? No.

My mom is very old country. She likes my husband but does not like the situation. She told me she would need to be put in the psychiatric hospital if I did a family visit. No talking to her then.

One Day : Yes, it is the future that I worry about more. Like . . will this teach him nothing, cause of his psyche, and we go around ? I do not want to deal with any more prison systems but I know I will be there by his side, which is a dismal thought. Like the therapist calls it toxic ...

His correctional plan has 2 programs for him to do : some thing about changing attitudes and one to not react violently. I hope they work. It is suggested that he takes „ English as an Alternative Language” too.

I know I have to learn to forgive him but it is so difficult. And I have to learn to be not such a nun.

Thank you always for your kind advice. Thanks to all who offer it.
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Old 01-11-2019, 10:41 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ne Plach’ View Post
Sarianna : It is embarrassing to say so much but where else is there to say it ? You know ?

My friends say to leave him cause there are lots of good / normal guys in the world. I cannot share w them cause they wanna show me the cottages they might buy, play equipment for their children, remodeling plans . . Do I rain on their parade ? No.

My mom is very old country. She likes my husband but does not like the situation. She told me she would need to be put in the psychiatric hospital if I did a family visit. No talking to her then.

One Day : Yes, it is the future that I worry about more. Like . . will this teach him nothing, cause of his psyche, and we go around ? I do not want to deal with any more prison systems but I know I will be there by his side, which is a dismal thought. Like the therapist calls it toxic ...

His correctional plan has 2 programs for him to do : some thing about changing attitudes and one to not react violently. I hope they work. It is suggested that he takes „ English as an Alternative Language” too.

I know I have to learn to forgive him but it is so difficult. And I have to learn to be not such a nun.

Thank you always for your kind advice. Thanks to all who offer it.
Again, you're normal! I didn't realize how judgemental I was until this happened. Of course we will always be, but it has lessened quite a bit. I learned compassion for others situations more so than before.

I'm reframing poor decisions as lessons to move forward. Each opportunity teaches us more about ourselves. I love who I have become from this and other situations. I realized inner strength.

I'm learning to deal with anxiety that I have always had but used as an excuse. To have anxiety free days now is such a blessing.

At the end of the day, I cannot control him nor him me. All we can do is push each other to be the best versions of ourselves.

Not all is lost. I have learned to trust the journey. I used to be extremely religious, but broke away from that decades ago. It does pop up every now and again as well as the voices of those in the past say that's wrong and this wrong. Etc etc. It gets to the point where breathing is wrong. No thanks. It is freeing to think for yourself and hold true to what really resonates within your heart.
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Old 01-11-2019, 03:01 PM
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You know, I think the mistake some of us make is that we want our men to be perfect. When they don't meet those perfect expectations we have for them, then it can really be a let down. We just have to remember that we're not perfect either.


If your man wants to change and grow as a person, then you will need to forgive him and move on. Of course, he needs to make the decision to make better decisions himself and stay out of prison.
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Old 01-11-2019, 03:42 PM
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I am with Sarianna as I believe a lot of crimes are not mistakes they are deliberate choices. Some crimes involve mental illness and a moment of madness, many are about choices to gain instant gratification, whether that be money, drugs, sex, alcohol,adrenaline whatever.
Its seems like your husband is focusing on sexual gratification right now.He has his needs and he wants them fulfilled ,you have the need for love and intimacy to feel valued and respected and he isnt getting that.

I think its true to say no one is perfect, so one is going to be exactly how we want them to be, its about compramise and acceptance I hope you guys can reach that stage of compramise.
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Old 01-11-2019, 05:45 PM
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Yes, like I said in my too long postings, not all crimes are mistakes. Some are deliberate choices.

The difference is that I have more empathy for mistakes and those w mitigating circumstances than those who deliberately choose with a clear mind.

My husband made deliberate choices and mismanaged / misjudged the personal side effects.

At the end of the day, though he angers me, he is alive and healthy. That is much more than others can say of their loved ones in many cases. Prison or not, I must be grateful.

How do you forgive some one then ? Good books ? I ordered Love & Respect . .

I have a lot that are religiously - based but that strongly deters me from compromise on the „ his needs ” part of the problem. I hate that it is „ one or the other . ”
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