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When the Relationship is Over... This forum is about discussing your thoughts, feelings and issues now that you and your incarcerated (or formerly incarcerated) loved one are no longer together. (This forum is NOT for bashing - please read the rules before posting.)

View Poll Results: Would you take him/her back if he or she has violated parole?
I would KEEP IT MOVIN',remain happy.Live well without him/her." 13 16.46%
I would. I think the "Second time around"can be better than the first." 12 15.19%
If i did,i would need PROOF of therapy/being a changed better person. 7 8.86%
No way.Too much pain.LIFE TOO SHORT. Would always have my doubts. 7 8.86%
If he couldn't keep promises the 1st time, what makes you think they will the 2nd time, so NO !!! 9 11.39%
I think it really "depends on many factors." 37 46.84%
For what? Nope. That's the past.He or she has had their chance with me." 6 7.59%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 79. You may not vote on this poll

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  #1  
Old 03-06-2018, 06:36 PM
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Thumbs up My fiancee/bff(EX) has violated his probation. He want me back & "loves me"

A new update:Good evening Pto'ers.Hola.

For all who said:

-
"He will be calling you again and will regret losing me who was the only person fully 100% there for him, as all read over here and we had barely 1 arguement for almost five years, well, you all were correct and i got the call 2x today from him from a "county jail phone."
-
We were truly so good together. We were in sync and it was awesome + he knew it,yet, he fell weak as he always has done since sadly his entire life and he has returned to the actual "hood" "streets as he puts it in a very bad part of Delaware." I got the call that most here and or some have already experienced when an ex or some 1 we once or love is not able to make it on the outside.

Key points of our "conversation" and for those who are not sure what happened prior, i will share highlights tonight..."

1.)
>I had set up our home for us to reside in(i own a couple east/west coast) and he was so happy. He was supposed to come home to me(ecstatic)for five yrs almost, and we barely argued/barely had anything negative to say about him on PTO because it was "that good, while he was in a structured facility."

2.)
>He then gets out during thanksgiving weekend @ midnight and he was so happy, he rush to call me as i was not allowed to get him as planned since he was taken right from prison to this drug/alcohol/substance abuse halfway house, and he did call immediately (Few times)when he arrived as promised.

He had to do his "halfway house time" as a condition and under state supervision(DELAWARE DOC) for at least five months til'March or April then home to me, IF he engage in mandatory urine test/therapy et.al.,and he failed already by having an illegal cell phone inside, and he was using drugs even if he could not say it for months to me while he always promised me different et.al.,was even proving himself prior to (months of coming home)then admit he was using inside and now was continuing using "drugs"inside of the halfway house, yet "he was supposed to be working TWELVE hour days and sleepin' "the other eight hours"and was offering to send me his pay check or half.(I told him keep it for him.)et.al., fines and everything else he would need.The money was clearly being spent on other things.

My father says still and my brother "a man with too many excuses is a man without a future with a good woman who truly love him, and was so loyal to such a man. Bad karma is alway lurkin' and the DEVIL in the streets out there is not asleep. I believe that. I will not go back without proof of a change and by then i am sure it will be way too late.I shall not go back and "wait" for such change.I pray for him though.
-
So:
For all pto support members publicly and via PM telling me, i am so strong to have just finally after almost five years, give up and simply walk away/not look back after i've given him so many years of loyalty and major support for years, you all were right and i appreciate the support. He is right back behind bars, as predicted within 12 weeks almost. We were so very happy but i was not seeing the "entire picture"until he precluded showing me ACTION most important imo is out here once released and i have no regret moving on with mi nice quiet suburbia life, in california and now, east coast."
-
I will be starting law school later fall of 2018 and i am going to continue writing mi books, being an author, recording music, writing songs/screen play and staying as busy as i am with helping others and being there to empower so many here and off line.I truly believe IF he is not willing to do what is right, as i told many here, you're going to have to decide and be able to re-assessed such relationship and walk away IF he continue to undermine what beautiful bond/relationship HEALTHY relationship you two have shared as mi fiance(ex)had for almost five years. I didn't want to do it but i had to.I seen this all coming.I had to walk. Now, i see i made for all certainty the right/best decision for me. #NO REGRETS but he of course, want me back now and has made this clear earlier, while also telling me that, he know i miss him."However, i never told this man i missed him, as i know he wanted to hear this from me."
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#TAAS ...(There are always signs.)
-
Do NOT ignore the signs. Don't let the "I love u's,cloud your better judgement."
-
Do not give your "all" to some guy who is not showing you through "action."
-
Remember, he is #J.A.M.("Just another man.)

"DON'T let him break you.".God knows what es best for all of us."#Smile #LiveWell #DontSettle.

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  #2  
Old 03-06-2018, 06:48 PM
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Cont'd (as i put mi phone charger in) i will now continue some more for all of you.Gracia.
-

During our 1st interaction today(first of 2 calls today/tonight)
He apologize multiple times, and was expressing how he "know" i am right and that i am "always right, and he is so sorry and he need me/love me,he really miss me."
-
He was telling me, that "life happens out here in the streets etc., " and the fact is that life just happened and he was slippin' meaning engaging in other things in "life"for which led him right back to prison on a "little parole/probation violation."I just listened as he asked me to do that without saying anything,and i let him speak about how "life just happens, and how hard it is, in the "real world." However, he had me to come home to and he know this,and all he had to do was "attend therapy on the inside of the halfway house"and do what was required of him,. and NO CELL PHONE/NO DRUGS inside and to continue this for five months for his INTERSTATE compact, to go through.
-

From the door( when i learned) he is right back in county jail and awaiting his "hearing" on VOP(violation) i had to made it clear to a man i TRULY did love so much i can't go back and rewind us as if nothing has happened.I gave him so much of mi time,was engaged, as we have for years literally planned so much however i can't just "go back and witness it all over again as i know he is really screwed up and how i would only be subjecting mi self to a life with "what is he doing/is he high or drunk today?"Is he really at his job?" Is he really clean? Is he out there robbing another gas station/liquor store, this evening? This is a man who admit to me as i posted here, "I can barely buy hygiene products at this halfway house, as i used to "in prison at James T.V. in Delaware, at least i was able to buy things." He then admits in January 2018, "The real world is harder than i thought." Yet, i was right here, to make sure he did not struggle like this, and i even had multiple job interviews by our (or what was our home)in a great area away from such negative life and his addicted-crack user mother, and all that is damaging to him.I can't be around that. I can't trust some 1 who is not going to get help, and sacrifice all i am worth and all i am about when he does not want to get clean and has known me now for years."No excuse for this, but he want me to believe "WE CAN'STILL WORK and be happy."

-
As hard as it was, because i simply adored him so much and he never gave me doubt for 90% of our almost 5 yrs, in each other lives, i really don't (even more so now)i do not, at all, regret making the hard decision to walk away since 2018 january as i had to leave him for reasoning already posted here in this forum "Now that he is home," hence, i am not looking back, and i will make this long and share all that has happened since mi last time here, on this specific topic.

There was no arguing (on my hand today, nor yelling.) "No need. I know i love myself too much and have so much going for me, that i will just keep moving on as i am doing, and i always said "Leave it in the lord hands,and if meant to be IF he was getting "real help/counseling et.al.,"and able to avoid a relapse, or not return to prison on a parole violation, then sure, maybe and showing me through action,but i am not sittin' around, waiting for that day to happen as he had several months to focus on the Interstate Compact Transfer to a new life/better healthier life he has not had in 29 and a 1/2 years, almost in his 30s,but chose the streets, yet again."
- I am now, putting mi phone charger in to continue mi new update.Gracia
__________________
#TAAS ...(There are always signs.)
-
Do NOT ignore the signs. Don't let the "I love u's,cloud your better judgement."
-
Do not give your "all" to some guy who is not showing you through "action."
-
Remember, he is #J.A.M.("Just another man.)

"DON'T let him break you.".God knows what es best for all of us."#Smile #LiveWell #DontSettle.

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  #3  
Old 03-06-2018, 07:15 PM
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Sorry, chica! It's hell to lose them, but even worse to keep them when they're like that. "Street" just never gives up and leaves some people. It's just never pretty.

I appreciate the fight you had with yourself, and that you didn't carry it to him; won't be anything but a waste of energy.

Just keep going forward....there's lots of good still ahead!
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Old 03-06-2018, 07:19 PM
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Default His loss never yours

Hey Rare!!

You already know how I feel about this situation.

He lost a BEAUTIFUL SPIRITED woman, a great friend, a loyal and committed human being.

He has nobody to thank but himself for screwing up

Yes, the calls and letters and pleads of reconciliation are soon to follow; be prepared. Men that have a good thing ALWAYS return. As you mentioned HE NOW HAS TO SHOW YOU SO MUCH MORE BEFORE YOU EVEN LOOK HIS WAY AGAIN. HE IS AN ASS.

Yes, You love him, Yes you miss him HOWEVER Your peace of mind and happiness is all I care about!

He is right now banging his simple ASS head against the wall wondering how in the heck did he get here! I will say it again! HE WILL CALL, WRITE AND PLEAD FOR RECONCILATION. MARK MY WORDS

THEY ALL DO IT!

Stay Strong as I know you are already are and have been.. One foot in/one foot out...

HIS LOSS NEVER YOURS!!!!!!!

These dudes, some of these dudes are so freaked up emotionally and spiritually sometimes they may never "get it" GUESS WHAT CHICA that is no longer your problem.

Kisses and Hugs!
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  #5  
Old 03-06-2018, 09:12 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nimuay View Post
Sorry, chica! It's hell to lose them, but even worse to keep them when they're like that. "Street" just never gives up and leaves some people. It's just never pretty.

I appreciate the fight you had with yourself, and that you didn't carry it to him; won't be anything but a waste of energy.

Just keep going forward....there's lots of good still ahead!

AHHH..hola Nim. and, you're always so astute prudent strong and i love your post and i thank you tonight. I just read it and gracia chica, thank you..I am yes doing fine and i will still be here giving same great advice to good gents/women on PTO, and since january, i am too NOW living by the same advice i shared with and helped others, and that is walk away, heck RUN if he is not showing you action, mine always did and that is why it is so hard, pero(but)he made the choice and i knew it would happen.I knew however i just assume it would be almost a year (before 2019)
But yet, it was within three short months of his semi-freedom.

So happy that i was not there with him to see it and now he has to live with what will and or feasibly will happen "additional time"whether he gets a few months to years i do not know,whether, long or short add'l time i am not sure however, i am not waiting to hear what it is but i am sure he will eventually "Write and tell me"or call,i am ok though, and i am just happy i walked."Life too short not to. I still love him because yep we were SO happy and you seen that here day in day out."I am just glad i love myself more to have left him prior to this happening.Its all in GOD's hands now....Que'Sera(what will be, will be.)

#NO PROOF, of getting his life together at his age, then i am not going back and
i can say that and smile, remaining happy as i am praise GOD who i thank for mi strength and good life, with or without him. "I am sorry and I love you" truly "can only go so far, without his treatment and action behind his words and apology, so time will tell..."I am truly okay." Good night sweet chica."adios... Hugs and blessings.Nim..."
__________________
#TAAS ...(There are always signs.)
-
Do NOT ignore the signs. Don't let the "I love u's,cloud your better judgement."
-
Do not give your "all" to some guy who is not showing you through "action."
-
Remember, he is #J.A.M.("Just another man.)

"DON'T let him break you.".God knows what es best for all of us."#Smile #LiveWell #DontSettle.

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Old 03-06-2018, 09:20 PM
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aw. gracia chica abrazas...(hugs!) yes as i always wrote here for others, "keep 1 ft. in, and one foot out."This way i was able to move on/walk away i mean and just not feel as crushed/hurt, as i was mentally already prepared J.I.C., (just in case) as all read this bout me here, i was so happy sure, with him, but not where i was going to be crushed if he chose as he say the "hood" and chose the "wrong path" smh. and god bless you, thank you ... and yes. I have a feelin' he will be calling and i am able to "handle the calls" but not going to be running at a phone to see what he has to say. If i answer, i'll answer. If not, i will not. He already is saying, "I need you."Yet, had all the time in the world out here to "need/want/realize he was losing the best woman for him."'He chose otherwise while semi-free and look what happen to him. His fault(thank you for reminding me of that.)I make NO EXCUSE for him."
-

He chose LA'Calle...the street. So i am choosing to continue to be happy and keep GOD first and be happy healthy without an ounce of un-necessary drama and stress. Thank you so much Bear. and yes i did/do love him. I never on PTO deny mi amor(my love)#real love i had for the guy. I just knew to walk away after even the last time i went to see him, at the halfway house(few blocks from where he went on robbery sprees, since eighteen, armed robbery that is, and drugs(mom) with her and others et.al., smh, he was bound to fail i am hearing if he stayed right there, and he deep down i truly believe "knew it."(when he was not approved sept.2017 to go to our home we were planning on sharing, premised on he had to FINISH halfway house in his old area, smh first, as the counselor told him, if you want to really get out of delaware(wilmington) you're going to remember ALL you have waiting for you 1 hr.away with your "sweetness,she told him this."as he still call me that usually. oh well.
smh.-

Time will tell. But yes, he is back in county jail awaiting his um "hearing."and his sentence if any, not sure.Either way?I will Keep it movin. I know my LIMIT.
God knows us best and what is best for us, and sadly mi fiancee/ex did not get it, even though now he says he do.#JAILTALK i am not into. LOYALTY respect and honor i am.So, we will see. i am moving on (still)and happy i have PTO and you and others here, who care. and a nice quiet life and i want to REMAIN this way. If he change, time will tell but not waiting for him to finally get it together, he had plenty of time to realize and now he is back in a JAIL CELL when he is 1 man in life who truly did not have to be as i had it all set up for him, and then some. I will be ok. I am fine. I will deal with whatever next comes along, and yes it is HIS loss, sure is, and deep down yes, i know he know that." Hence, I will keep you and others always posted here at PTO. Gracia. Goodnight." besos y' blessings hugs right back to you bear."
G-night.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BearsLadyBear View Post



He lost a BEAUTIFUL SPIRITED woman, a great friend, a loyal and committed human being.

He has nobody to thank but himself for screwing up


Yes, the calls and letters and pleads of reconciliation are soon to follow; be prepared. Men that have a good thing ALWAYS return. As you mentioned

HE NOW HAS TO SHOW YOU SO MUCH MORE
BEFORE YOU EVEN LOOK HIS WAY AGAIN. HE IS AN ASS.

Yes, You love him, Yes you miss him HOWEVER Your peace of mind and happiness is all I care about!


He is right now banging his simple ASS head against the wall wondering how in the heck did he get here!


I will say it again! HE WILL CALL, WRITE AND PLEAD FOR RECONCILATION. MARK MY WORDS

THEY ALL DO IT!

Stay Strong as I know you are already are and have been.. One foot in/one foot out...

HIS LOSS NEVER YOURS!!!!!!!

These dudes, some of these dudes are so freaked up emotionally and spiritually sometimes they may never "get it" GUESS WHAT CHICA that is no longer your problem.

Kisses and Hugs!
__________________
#TAAS ...(There are always signs.)
-
Do NOT ignore the signs. Don't let the "I love u's,cloud your better judgement."
-
Do not give your "all" to some guy who is not showing you through "action."
-
Remember, he is #J.A.M.("Just another man.)

"DON'T let him break you.".God knows what es best for all of us."#Smile #LiveWell #DontSettle.

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Old 03-06-2018, 10:42 PM
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Isn't there a saying that you appreciate what you had only after you've lost it? (or something to that effect)...
He screwed up and hurt you bad in the process and if it'd be I'd move on as hard as it will be because you did give him 5+ years of your life. You are worth much more than to sit around and wait until he cleans up his act. But it's still your life, your decision. I think we all can only tell you what we would do in that kind of situation. Life's too short... you've proven to yourself and him that you can do it but enough is enough..
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Old 03-07-2018, 05:51 AM
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I don't know what to tell you as to what I would do!!! I've proven to be really weak when I should have been strong. But my love for my husband got in the way of my better judgment so I would probably have stuck by him. It's always to say I know I'd walk away but it's not I always saw what my husband could be if under the right circumstances. Your fiance' has had a way harder start in life. Coming home then forced to deal with the same things that got him to prison is a huge road block to any successful out come. But for that he might have done well. Regardless of all you need to see if you want him back in your life. Good luck I don't think I would walk away, I always been the saint of lost causes!!!
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Old 03-07-2018, 12:25 PM
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I am sorry it came to this, I really am -- but I also can see that you have a strong sense of what you want from a man & your life, so good for you for doing what you know is best for you
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Old 03-07-2018, 05:55 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MizzyMuffling View Post
Isn't there a saying that you appreciate what you had only after you've lost it? (or something to that effect)...
He screwed up and hurt you bad in the process and if it'd be I'd move on as hard as it will be because you did give him 5+ years of your life. You are worth much more than to sit around and wait until he cleans up his act. But it's still your life, your decision. I think we all can only tell you what we would do in that kind of situation. Life's too short... you've proven to yourself and him that you can do it but enough is enough..
-
aw gracia sweet Mizzy hi chica, and may GOD bless you with many days and nights with wonderful JEFF. Hugs across the waters and know that
you always make me smile too with your supportive post of such prudent wording again. I thank you... I am yes, moving on, and i feel if i had IGNORE the SIGNS as i always talk about here, for years i would have been a woman who was sittin' around, wonderin' if or when or what he is doing with "what drug of choice to get through his um 'day since"real world" as he put it is too hard/real hard ...or being lied to, so i can't go back to that, and i will not.I still live by the words 'Love has it's limit for me and i love 'enough is enough.' i live by it after 2 failed/bad BAD d.v.relationships. I just am "free"now, to smile again, breathe... and smile more each waking blessful day.It feels[b] great.
NO PROOF? NO RECONCILIATION." Honetly? even if he did come out again with proof for me, on mi doorstep i just don't "Feel it anymore."I still love him 'somewhat' after yes five years almost,however i doubt we will ever be, and i always say i will leave it in God's hands though.Mi faith is so strong as i was brought up this way. Also brought up by the folks to NOT take any more sh---t, if a man 'show me 1x who he really is, drugs or not.
-
I can't even envision us making this work and i will not "settle,nor be hurt and or fooled by a guy who clearly is so yes screwed up in the "real world"yet in prison he feel he had it "better" than in the "street" but yet, here i am.(or was) Ii was right HERE, so this is clear, he is really yes sadly messed up and i tried to be there to show him a new light/of such positive and hope and daily healing with therapy and me, now he is right back to the 1 place he said he "hated and or would "never return, LONG AS HE HAS ME, but yet look at what happened." His step-dad, the only drug-free
GOOD person in entire drug abusive family told me, " If he does not have u he will be back on other side of town doing things that will land him back inside, and i'd give it(without you)in his day/night life he will go back in 1 month to 3 months. SAD.But more like PATHETIC people are telling me and i have to remember he CHOSE this."
-
LAST NOTE:
Step-pops and i were his only 2 routing for him. I have not even talk to step-dad. I do not plan to.I just pray for him, but i realize i have to focus on ME, and i will never lose sight of that. .Life is just way too precious for all of us."Tomorrow is NOT promised."#MakingEachBlessedWakingDayCount. Meanwhile, i am yes OK and moving on and i am fine. God bless you and Jeff always. Adios. Hugs and Besos/Blessings..."
__________________
#TAAS ...(There are always signs.)
-
Do NOT ignore the signs. Don't let the "I love u's,cloud your better judgement."
-
Do not give your "all" to some guy who is not showing you through "action."
-
Remember, he is #J.A.M.("Just another man.)

"DON'T let him break you.".God knows what es best for all of us."#Smile #LiveWell #DontSettle.

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Old 03-07-2018, 06:16 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by xolady View Post
I don't know what to tell you as to what I would do!!!

I've proven to be really weak when I should have been strong.
But my love for my husband got in the way of my better judgment so I would probably have stuck by him.
It's always to say I know I'd walk away but it's not I always saw what my husband could be if under the right circumstances. Your fiance' has had a way harder start in life. Coming home then forced to deal with the same things that got him to prison is a huge road block to any successful out come. But for that he might have done well. Regardless of all you need to see if you want him back in your life. Good luck I don't think I would walk away, I always been the saint of lost causes!!!
God bless you, XO.Hola.
Gracia, chula. Good evening again XO. I hear you on that and this is why i was so happy God sent him to me/me to him vice versa et.al., i knew what i was able to do without tryin' to "save a man."I know he always said, "with you i am able to stop being a bad person/stop being a criminal/never go back to prison.He would "leave out the words,no longer being an addict alkie, a drug addict."He never really talked bout this part but "showed me entire medical file since age 12 14, et.al.,"and other files of such DYSFUNCTION, thanks to "mom." So, yep. .. . he really is bad off. I knew he suffered. He is so beautiful(on outside) but he clearly hate himself on the inside still and is again suffering/messing himself up,but i can't save him,and i never try to. I knew again what he went thru as i publicly openly shared here and i never wanted his life to be darken again, just to continue to be his healing,and his bright light, after so much darkness...I knew if he "went by his bio-mom drug infected area, or "fall for her negativity/and or sweet sappy talk"he will be trapped, and he is and i can't watch that."He used to BAN her from visits and i knew it was true premised on her one time begging me to let him "remove the block"and for me to try to each time, "convince him to."
-
He knew by blocking her and others, he would be able as he put it, to be a "Free man." "Mom"(who he barely would refer to as MOM)she had shockingly willfully knowingly introduce him to weed/marijuana et.al., at only pre-teen year of 11 and a 1/2 to almost 12,and used to go out and rob for "mom" all the time for her coke/crack/pills/meth/heroine from age 12 til 18 and a loaf of bread, the evening meal." He blocked her many times, and she would again want me to "convince him/lie to him to get him to "visit with her/to speak to her, et.al.," but I never did. He knew what would happen IF "mom" would see him and he did not want to fall back into such negativity in that area,or with "mom." He promised that NO MATTER WHAT happens he is not going to lose his "guardian angel/his compass/his focus and that's a life with me"nor he would EVER be returning back to those old projects,( because he is this year now almost THIRTIES by time he is free) and he know he will just end up right back in jail and being a dumb azz, who "no 1 over there in the hood care or love him,so he is going to avoid it while doing halfway house time to "get to our home in a different area,different state.

I never pressured him like the other addicts/people who yep are using him again.
-
He said he is STRONG like me + and would alway say 100x a day/night that it was I who he knew he would be "ok and happy with."He barely smile, his entire life. He told me all the time that, I taught him how to love and to be " happy and to be focus and to remain/become STRONG." Yet, he is in a prison situation again, hence, "he failed miserably in 90 days."Kicked out of the HWH. In jail again tonight.

-
James T.Vaughn Correctional Center's Correctional Officers(Co's) would say and i am talkin'about multiple CO's, would always say, at a visit/to calling the prison for diff reasons they would always say to me laughing/smiling saying:
-
"You're the reason he is smiling & OUT OF SHU for almost five long years and you are the one who will be able to f keep him off drugs/alcohol when he out, and why he will make it after locked up since age 12, 13, 14, the bbp(Big-Boy Prison) and i would smile at that.
-
I think he didn't want me to ever see this "side of him" so he would never talk about it much,and when he was admitting in December while home, at the HWH to me about: "I got high in prison as a going home present from a few inmates" i knew there, he was not going to be 1 who is going to get clean out here if you are already using drugs inside, and feasibly for a long time. I just don't at this time have anything left to give him (no more prison relationship time)i'm done at this point.
-
I loved him much because of the action and his "time" he would put in each day without asking, even from prison to show me how "serious"and loving/generous/gentle/caring he was as a man who i assumed was clearly ready for a change, without as he call it his "hood." I know GOD will show me IF he is still meant for me, then it will be and if not i am OK, i truly am. God bless you chula,and besos blessings and many hugs your way tonight."Thank you for caring.and all at PTO...G-night."
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-
Do NOT ignore the signs. Don't let the "I love u's,cloud your better judgement."
-
Do not give your "all" to some guy who is not showing you through "action."
-
Remember, he is #J.A.M.("Just another man.)

"DON'T let him break you.".God knows what es best for all of us."#Smile #LiveWell #DontSettle.

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Old 03-07-2018, 06:18 PM
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It would be a big NO from me
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Old 03-07-2018, 06:57 PM
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Originally Posted by a.rare.love View Post
God bless you, XO.Hola.
Gracia, chula. Good evening again XO. I hear you on that and this is why i was so happy God sent him to me/me to him vice versa et.al., i knew what i was able to do without tryin' to "save a man."I know he always said, "with you i am able to stop being a bad person/stop being a criminal/never go back to prison.He would "leave out the words,no longer being an addict alkie, a drug addict."He never really talked bout this part but "showed me entire medical file since age 12 14, et.al., he really is bad off.I knew he suffered.He is so beautiful(on outside) but he clearly hate himself on the inside still and is again suffering/messing himself up,but i can't save him,and i never try to. I knew again what he went thru as i publicly openly shared here and i never wanted his life to be darken again, just to continue to be his healing,and his bright light, after so much darkness...I knew if he "went by his bio-mom drug infected area, or "fall for her negativity/and or sweet sappy talk"he will be trapped, and he is and i can't watch that."He used to BAN her from visits and i knew it was true premised on her one time begging me to let him "remove the block"
-
or "convince him to." He knew by blocking her and others, he would be able as he put it, to be a "Free man." "Mom"(who he barely would refer to as MOM)she had shockingly willfully knowingly introduce him to weed/marijuana et.al., at only pre-teen year of 11 and a 1/2 to almost 12,and used to go out and rob for "mom all the time for her coke/crack/pills/meth/heroine from age 12 til 18 and a loaf of bread, the evening meal." He blocked her many times, and she would again want me to "convince him/lie to him to get him to "visit with her/to speak to her, et.al.," but I never did. He knew what would happen IF "mom" would see him and he did not want to fall back into such negativity in that area,or with "mom." He promised "he was NOTt returning back to those old projects,( because he is this year now almost THIRTIES by time he is free) and he know he will just end up right back in jail and being a dumb azz, who "no 1 over there in the hood care or love him,so he is going to avoid it while doing halfway house time to "get to our home in a different area,different state.

I never pressured him like the other addicts/people who yep are using him again. He said he is STRONG like me + and would alway say 100x a day/night that it was I who he knew he would be "ok and happy with."He barely smile, his entire life. He told me all the time that, I taught him how to love and to be " happy and to be focus and to remain/become STRONG." Yet, he is in a prison situation again, hence, "he failed miserably in 90 days."Kicked out of the HWH. In jail again tonight. I know when he was not seeing "mom" or the area he from James T.Vaughn Correctional Center's Correctional Officers(Co's)each time would say and i am talkin'about multiple CO's, would always say, at a visit/to calling the prison for diff reasons they would always say to me laughing/smiling saying:
-
"You're the reason he is smiling & OUT OF SHU for almost five long years and you are the one who will be able to f keep him off drugs/alcohol when he out, and why he will make it after locked up since age 12, 13, 14, the bbp(Big-Boy Prison) and i would smile at that.
-
I think he didn't want me to ever see this "side of him" so he would never talk about it much,and when he was admitting in December while home, at the HWH to me about: "I got high in prison as a going home present from a few inmates" i knew there, he was not going to be 1 who is going to get clean out here if you are already using drugs inside, and feasibly for a long time. I just don't at this time have anything left to give him (no more prison relationship time)i'm done at this point.
-
I loved him much because of the action and his "time" he would put in each day without asking, even from prison to show me how "serious"and loving/generous/gentle/caring he was as a man who i assumed was clearly ready for a change, without as he call it his "hood." I know GOD will show me IF he is still meant for me, then it will be and if not i am OK, i truly am. God bless you chula,and besos blessings and many hugs your way tonight."Thank you for caring.and all at PTO...G-night."
Well I know you are a way stronger women then me, I let my husband manipulate me in a lot of way's. I can actually say this now in hindsight!!! But while he was alive we both had our demons!!! I'll never stop loving him and don't get me wrong because I would have forgiven him just about anything and did. This last prison sentence was going to be the last one or he was on his own. But I wonder if he was out and got in trouble again if I would have ever walked away knowing myself I doubt it!!! Blessing to you my friend!!!
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Old 03-07-2018, 08:58 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by a.rare.love View Post
God bless you, XO.Hola.
Gracia, chula. Good evening again XO. I hear you on that and this is why i was so happy God sent him to me/me to him vice versa et.al., i knew what i was able to do without tryin' to "save a man."I know he always said, "with you i am able to stop being a bad person/stop being a criminal/never go back to prison.He would "leave out the words,no longer being an addict alkie, a drug addict."He never really talked bout this part but "showed me entire medical file since age 12 14, et.al.,"and other files of such DYSFUNCTION, thanks to "mom." So, yep. .. . he really is bad off. I knew he suffered. He is so beautiful(on outside) but he clearly hate himself on the inside still and is again suffering/messing himself up,but i can't save him,and i never try to. I knew again what he went thru as i publicly openly shared here and i never wanted his life to be darken again, just to continue to be his healing,and his bright light, after so much darkness...I knew if he "went by his bio-mom drug infected area, or "fall for her negativity/and or sweet sappy talk"he will be trapped, and he is and i can't watch that."He used to BAN her from visits and i knew it was true premised on her one time begging me to let him "remove the block"and for me to try to each time, "convince him to."
-
He knew by blocking her and others, he would be able as he put it, to be a "Free man." "Mom"(who he barely would refer to as MOM)she had shockingly willfully knowingly introduce him to weed/marijuana et.al., at only pre-teen year of 11 and a 1/2 to almost 12,and used to go out and rob for "mom" all the time for her coke/crack/pills/meth/heroine from age 12 til 18 and a loaf of bread, the evening meal." He blocked her many times, and she would again want me to "convince him/lie to him to get him to "visit with her/to speak to her, et.al.," but I never did. He knew what would happen IF "mom" would see him and he did not want to fall back into such negativity in that area,or with "mom." He promised that NO MATTER WHAT happens he is not going to lose his "guardian angel/his compass/his focus and that's a life with me"nor he would EVER be returning back to those old projects,( because he is this year now almost THIRTIES by time he is free) and he know he will just end up right back in jail and being a dumb azz, who "no 1 over there in the hood care or love him,so he is going to avoid it while doing halfway house time to "get to our home in a different area,different state.

I never pressured him like the other addicts/people who yep are using him again.
-
He said he is STRONG like me + and would alway say 100x a day/night that it was I who he knew he would be "ok and happy with."He barely smile, his entire life. He told me all the time that, I taught him how to love and to be " happy and to be focus and to remain/become STRONG." Yet, he is in a prison situation again, hence, "he failed miserably in 90 days."Kicked out of the HWH. In jail again tonight.

-
James T.Vaughn Correctional Center's Correctional Officers(Co's) would say and i am talkin'about multiple CO's, would always say, at a visit/to calling the prison for diff reasons they would always say to me laughing/smiling saying:
-
"You're the reason he is smiling & OUT OF SHU for almost five long years and you are the one who will be able to f keep him off drugs/alcohol when he out, and why he will make it after locked up since age 12, 13, 14, the bbp(Big-Boy Prison) and i would smile at that.
-
I think he didn't want me to ever see this "side of him" so he would never talk about it much,and when he was admitting in December while home, at the HWH to me about: "I got high in prison as a going home present from a few inmates" i knew there, he was not going to be 1 who is going to get clean out here if you are already using drugs inside, and feasibly for a long time. I just don't at this time have anything left to give him (no more prison relationship time)i'm done at this point.
-
I loved him much because of the action and his "time" he would put in each day without asking, even from prison to show me how "serious"and loving/generous/gentle/caring he was as a man who i assumed was clearly ready for a change, without as he call it his "hood." I know GOD will show me IF he is still meant for me, then it will be and if not i am OK, i truly am. God bless you chula,and besos blessings and many hugs your way tonight."Thank you for caring.and all at PTO...G-night."
You say you are done yet also are keeping the door open by saying God will show you if he’s truely meant for you. I think it’s very hard for someone who has been told by many people that you are the reason they’ve changed or have stayed out of trouble yet they couldn’t commit to that 100%. I don’t have to tell you he will say anything to get you to stay if he gets additional time. You know this. I hope that you see that you deserve someone who is as invested as you are. I hope you find them.
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Old 03-07-2018, 10:33 PM
xolady xolady is offline
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[quote=AndyS;7706517]. " I think it’s very hard for someone who has been told by many people that you are the reason they’ve changed or have stayed out of trouble yet they couldn’t commit to that 100%." I don’t have to tell you he will say anything to get you to stay if he gets additional time.

You don't know that he will say anything to get her to stay if he gets additional time. I don't think he has ever known a different kind of life and he certainly has shown he's not mentally mature enough to be able to deal with a mature stable loving relationship, unless he's in a controlled environment. Prison might punish a lot of people but it doesn't teach you life skills. He's still young and his mental maturity is pretty much been stunted at 12 years old. I know it's a huge set up for failure to put a drug addict back into a drug infested area with no real support and no way of getting the help he needed. 1/2 way houses are a setup for failure, most of them are in the worst area's in intercity slums.
The OP has a great amount of compassion and strength. I for one applaud her for how she has handled everything.
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Old 03-08-2018, 03:41 AM
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No one is perfect and we all have some issues ..but you can't save anyone without dragging yourself down with them.. move on to bigger and better , my dream is to become a lawyer... I'm all registered for the fall
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Old 03-08-2018, 09:55 AM
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Well I know you are a way stronger women then me,

again if I would have ever walked away knowing myself I doubt it!!!


Blessing to you my friend!!!

and chica, ma god bless you too,and good morning. was just on the phone with a few of mi other friends inside, (all agree he was the biggest idiot/psychological damaged is clear)institutionalized to the core) one of mi friends, who i cut off(past tense)for mi fiancee/bff, now ex-fiancee, we are talking again!)and i love it,and the other 1 i met through incarceration we are talking again too! I feel awesome. We always gotten along, with both of the 2 men i am sharing here in this post update." The other i know from the streets ya know,for a while. .BOTH respectfully understood why i cut them off.
-
For months now,XO, we are in each other lives again as friends and i am happy. Heck, they can't believe he lost some 1 like me who came to him from GOD free of charge.
Without judgement
.(I only judge a man when he prove who he "really is" and mi ex fiancee know now he has done that.(even though)And read below the UPDATE today as he feel(We are still together/and we still have our relationship and just have to "spend more physical time together")and he is willing to do this by taking a train to see me when he is "supposedly getting out soon."smh, i am not trying to hear it. I know he is damaged."I am not. he CHOSE what he has done, so i choose to continue to keep it movin and be happy, successful, and focus on ME,and mi great life. so GOOD MORNING CHICA!
-

I know you loved your man, XO. I feel it in all ur post chica. Being strong(and may he continue rip now, but i know being "strong"is not for all, as it take time,but can be a strengthening insofar as each "learning experience"IF you're letting it. That is what happened to me.I knew i had to be "strong."#JAILTALK i do not engage in. #REALTALK i do. I know the difference and i still love this guy(But not the way he thinks) i have not even told him yet i love him. But i know how i feel. I love him, sure. HOWEVER not in the way a woman is supposed to still love her man because at this point i am not,again "right now"i am not with him.(Even if he is saying, "our relationship" we have to "move away"from this, mami, and "grow together." We "have to as there are steps in a "relationship mami, and i am ready to take them with you, to do what is right."I will take an "AMTRAK"since i know you won't pick me up now after what i did,but i will walk or "take AMTRAK"right there to you, the house,to start "over with you."Just give me that chance,and believe me." If i was not strong (at this moment)i would run and pick him up, hear his bull sh---t, (bulls--t)because he still all this time for 4 months almost he never (i verified)engaged in free therapy in the HWH,yet had time to break his rules of probation.If i was not strong, i sure would be there with him, "visit." writing and again in the negative weaker cycle of"believing a guy who has shown me who he truly is."I told him today, "You're not who i thought you were therefore, i am not promising anything to you,and i can't even promise i will be answering your calls, for what.)
-
He goes on saying how "I will even take AMTRAK to go see you/be with you."I am done,(at this moment)and still smiling,living good and happy as i always am, but he don't get how he has broke each promise just about since released after almost 11 years, and i warned him IF I LEAVE?I am GONE and i warned him of this since well, at least day one of us meeting. I told him, "If you force me to leave, i am leaving and you're going to NOT have it in the "real world"as blessed, as GOOD as if you're with a rare woman like me, period.that's how it is with me. He clearly did not(still don't)believe i left him, that's proof of his mind(all messed up)since pre-teen years with using drugs with his own biological parent regularly. I warned him. I did not yell today. or a day ago when i first learned he violated no need. i was appeased, calm and just told him all of this. I don't make the same error twice.I will not "jump right back into anything with my former bff/former fiancee."Time will tell with GOD showing me.-
-
"Life is so preciosa chica,each day is a blessing and i refuse to lose sleep over it and believe a troubled deeply mentally troubled individual who has not gotten help at all since released and or before that in prison. He clearly does not get that.NOT mi problema though anymore.I love him but it shall continue to lessen as i continue moving on, unless GOD above show me he is truly meant for me, but i am not focused on that happening,even if i know he want me back,and think we still are "able to move forward IF he take AMTRAK to see me et.al.," he need help.I am no longer here to make sure he do it, get help and change. I breathe better knowing i am strong and knowing i can cut-off quick!(anyone who deceive and or attempt to demonstrate dis-loyalty to some one like me)after GOD has blessed him with me in his life."Life too short for it..."

XO LADY:
I know what you're saying. I pride each waking bless-day on being a strong astute prudent focus woman. I know that therapy help me rom 2 bad D.V. relationships, and i promised then, i would NOT get older(that happened over 10 yrs ago) i would not get older being blinded by what es really going on.I am 1 who also verify each word of what a man says to me,(literally)each word, applied with such action set forth,and if not, i re-evaluate, weigh the good vs., bad and if it is more "good in our relationship"than bad...I STAY."

I pray for him.
If we reunite it will be naturally because GOD allowed this lost cause to do what he (deep down)know he has to do.I don't NEED a man.If i want a man i let it be known and shown by being loyal and honorable to such man.I do not easily take a guy back "just because the L word."It's not worth it.I love feeling free with a peace of mind each day to smile and be make positive things happen,it feel so good to live this way. RIP to your spouse.I hear each word you're saying,and i smile knowing at the end of the day, he KNEW at least how much i loved and cherished him,but i can't "help him."Not the way he clearly needs help.I will not sit around waiting another day for him to get it together.Only a fool troublesome soul, some say sociopath,would lose a great woman.Simple as that,and he now must lay in his own waste,get it together or he is going to next time(if no extra time)he will be right back in prison again. THANKFULLY, it is not mi problem anymore.and i feel "Free" of having to "wonder" wait, and believe in a guy who clearly doesn't love himself and until he do, i know he can't love me,and hence, GOD has shown me the light, and i didn't remain in such darkness to where i am blinded by a man who is not able to appreciate and demonstrate change,to truly(with me) be happy." I told him more of this today, and i am again not HATING him." I just can't (At this point) return. I doubt (at this point)i ever will,But with GOD showing me what i truly deserve?I will again leave it up to him, to show me,and right now, he is showing me, i am living a great fortunate blessed life that i shall NEVER sacrifice for someone who es J.A.M.(just another man)as a #realman would realize by now what he has lost, and what he had in his life...(he said he do)but again i study men analyze et.al, and trust me. He doesn't..., hence i continue to live happy (while he continue to falter) Pero chica, take care and you are so awesome, as always XO, hugs besos and blessings to you this morning. Adios.
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#TAAS ...(There are always signs.)
-
Do NOT ignore the signs. Don't let the "I love u's,cloud your better judgement."
-
Do not give your "all" to some guy who is not showing you through "action."
-
Remember, he is #J.A.M.("Just another man.)

"DON'T let him break you.".God knows what es best for all of us."#Smile #LiveWell #DontSettle.

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Old 03-08-2018, 10:08 AM
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Stay true to yourself your a great lady!!!
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Old 03-09-2018, 08:22 PM
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Be careful I have stayed with a lot of toxic men lying to myself and saying it was because it was gods plan. You know in your gut it was one red flag after another once he was released. This man needs a major overhaul from the inside before t will manifest in his life. I'm sorry I would not wait for him again your a nice woman find a nice man.
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Old 03-11-2018, 11:27 AM
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i dont believe pushing an opinion on someone is what this forum is... i believe its a support forum
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Old 03-12-2018, 08:03 AM
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i dont believe pushing an opinion on someone is what this forum is... i believe its a support forum
It's a poll she wants our opinion. I also have read hundreds of rares posts since I have been a member and I believe I have an understanding of the history she has had with her Man. I was not rude and she can do what she wants it's her life but I am not going to suggest anyone stays with a man that paroles screws up right out the gate , and then wants their woman back when they land their ass in jail again. That's called co dependency and it's not healthy.
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  #22  
Old 03-13-2018, 10:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Fredslady5 View Post
No one is perfect and we all have some issues ..but you can't save anyone without dragging yourself down with them.. move on to bigger and better , my dream is to become a lawyer... I'm all registered for the fall

I sure am happy for ya chica, hola. Good luck ... I am so focused law school and procurement of mi juris doctor in law. I am so ready(over decade of self-taught law)in california/some states on east coast.So i am going to wiz through it lol i can't wait.keep in touch with how it is going for you, i sure am excited.
and yep. Keepin' it movin.and it hurt 100x less when you're able to build create and just be happy waking up to see the sun again and know that you are going to have a healthy blessed happy day,without stress/nor drama nor dis-honor. I am just fine every body, as i do for years, and way before him i am happy and focus on growth,success, helping others,and not looking back.

I pray for him though. I however, see where his "future is headed,once again."

And, i am talkin'to(posted this in another thread)just 2 ole'friends,one i was so close with, his sister always FB twitter me.We all at least can talk again without fret, i will disappear as i know both think i will LOL i cut them off for the ex-factor and one was wonderful to me but i chose to do it, to keep the um ex happy. Just glad we are now talking again,both get out same year or around the same time soon enough, so we are talkin' (1 daily)as re-kindling our "friendship" since i am now a free agent again.God has ways of making things happen in life turn out for the best. If meant to be with the parole/probation violator, i will know later it was meant to be.I am however not sitting around fretting over anything, about him.He made his choice and as i told him(getting the last word)and i made mine.To remain happy as can be.Life is too short not to.
GOOD NIGHT pto'ers,and may god continue to bless YOU and your Loved ones."Hugs Blessings..."Adios.Bed time for this pto'er."
__________________
#TAAS ...(There are always signs.)
-
Do NOT ignore the signs. Don't let the "I love u's,cloud your better judgement."
-
Do not give your "all" to some guy who is not showing you through "action."
-
Remember, he is #J.A.M.("Just another man.)

"DON'T let him break you.".God knows what es best for all of us."#Smile #LiveWell #DontSettle.

Last edited by a.rare.love; 03-13-2018 at 10:11 PM..
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  #23  
Old 03-13-2018, 10:13 PM
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Originally Posted by xolady View Post
Stay true to yourself your a great lady!!!

Gracias...Thanks again xo... I been giving advice here for years saying, "run or walk away!" lol! and always saying how (which is tru) that Life too short not to.

You're 100percent correct. ALL those here who have pm me, who have followed mi post of truth here, never ever citing, he would not fluck up, always being realmente and honest, all have seen how i wrote and what i say insofar as but not limited to, "If meant to be it will be"however, he is not a mature man entering his THIRTIES.That is all. I don't hate him. I told him that. (i feel relieved more because i told him i do not hate him a month and a 1/2 ago when we last seen/spoke with each other at the HWH a lil longer just about a month and a half and i walked out,while he was supposed to be at "work" yet counselor cited otherwise,and slept-in from what he admit to me was a little bit high.I have no doubt his violation has to do with that XO LADY and or the phone and or both. SMDH. Glad i am out of that mess. I loved him so much. So i will not deny that, and he was able yes to PROVE it to me from yep, in an "controlled environment" you're right, and that's the "saddest part about how this turned out."I know he "wanted better."I didn't and don't need him to tell me this, even if he has. However, he just wasn't strong/and or mature enough, and or a little of both, sad yes since age 12. I am writing more books, next one entitled "@ 12 years old." I shall not utilize his photo/and or name without his legal authorized permission to do so." I want others to understand our rare love story. I remember i got an A+ in college during procuring a bachelor's degree in such field for which next is law school. Professor Cohen said, "You should make a book or series out of it, and i am going to do that."
-

I now smile seriously knowing i am now "living" what i preached here as i told many do not take it. Do not put up with what you're knowing (early on)is a losing battle."

I now live by that advice. I tried mi hardest chica,and he just (sadly)as admitted last week, he just couldn't "avoid" what he has known since YES 12 YEARS OLD and he said, "I been messing up out there, and i still want to TAKE AMTRAK to see you since you're always comiing to me, at HWH and i "know"we can make this work if i can see you more "physically"let me prove it to you,please, Sweetness.
-
smh.
i just can't, not now. i want him to get help/therapy and i have implored him to.He never has.


I do not have to fret over what he is doing/who he is doing it with i.e.drugs drinkin or in the "wrong part of his area anymore."or other things. I feel "Free" to just sit back,and keep creating/motivatin'empowering men/women both and know i am going to be able to sleep at night better. I feel free.Not rushin' chica NADA even with the ex IF God showed me/give me a sign this year we belong together. Or with any man. I am just not there at this time.I am taking things slow. I knew the ex would violate "eventually" however, i was thinking as i said prior it would be 2019 at least 1 year fresh-out,however i see it was in a few short months.I'm done. I do not hate him though.I just can't. GOD knows us best ... So, whatever happens to him, he has done to himself.Simple as that.Didn't have to be that way.He know it too.I am a free agent now, and i smile at that fact, but it is sure nice to just have a couple of people(men)who i knew prior to him to talk with and smile and or with mi amiga's off here, and few at PTO. So, XO LADY, good night and again thank you so much.Good night XO. hugs muchas muchas...y' mas blessings.adios.
__________________
#TAAS ...(There are always signs.)
-
Do NOT ignore the signs. Don't let the "I love u's,cloud your better judgement."
-
Do not give your "all" to some guy who is not showing you through "action."
-
Remember, he is #J.A.M.("Just another man.)

"DON'T let him break you.".God knows what es best for all of us."#Smile #LiveWell #DontSettle.

Last edited by a.rare.love; 03-13-2018 at 10:24 PM..
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  #24  
Old 03-13-2018, 10:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Kimimi View Post
Be careful I have stayed with a lot of toxic men lying to myself and saying it was because it was gods plan. You know in your gut it was one red flag after another once he was released. This man needs a major overhaul from the inside before t will manifest in his life. I'm sorry I would not wait for him again your a nice woman find a nice man.

Oh sweet KIMI, trust me.(smiling writing this before bed)trust me, i am fine.
Mi post has update you all and i will do so when i can."I am happy.I am blessed and i am good chica, yes. Thanks again ...Aw. god bless u. good night chica.
hugs and blessings."
__________________
#TAAS ...(There are always signs.)
-
Do NOT ignore the signs. Don't let the "I love u's,cloud your better judgement."
-
Do not give your "all" to some guy who is not showing you through "action."
-
Remember, he is #J.A.M.("Just another man.)

"DON'T let him break you.".God knows what es best for all of us."#Smile #LiveWell #DontSettle.
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  #25  
Old 03-17-2018, 10:49 PM
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Hey rare I hope you are doing well I'm praying for you girl!!!
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