Welcome to the Prison Talk Online Community! Take a Minute and Sign Up Today!






Go Back   Prison Talk > FOR FAMILY & FRIENDS > Raising Children with Parents in Prison
Register Entertainment FAQ Calendar Mark Forums Read

Raising Children with Parents in Prison For the Parent left behind with children AND for the Children that have a parent inside. Discussion of unique challenges facing this group!

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 09-07-2018, 07:10 AM
Rigora Rigora is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Virginia, USA
Posts: 130
Thanks: 77
Thanked 213 Times in 88 Posts
Default Advice with communications with daughter/father

Hello, it's me, yet again.

Real quick background: I broke up with my 16 month old daughter's father in February and set some boundaries on phone calls and photos in July, shortly after filing for custody.

His mood completely changed, and rightfully so. He still thought we were going to be together when he was released (despite the break-up), until he received the petition for custody papers. Anyway, I told him I'd send photos when I could, and not when he demanded. I sent photos the first week of August, and he didn't ask about them for the rest of the month. I received a message over Jpay this morning where he asked for photos of our daughter.

I don't want to come off as uncooperative, but I also don't want to turn around and give him photos the moment he asks. He's the type who quickly latches on once he thinks he's found any sort of in (and me giving him what he asks for is an in to him). In this same message he asked for a time and date he can call. Our daughter was taking a nap when he called yesterday, so I didn't answer. So, my first question is should I respond with some times and dates he can call when our daughter will be available, without adding a photo?

He also asked, because no one else will help him, if I could contact his eldest son's great-aunt (his current guardian) and ask her to set up a Jpay account so she can send him photos of his eldest son, along with photos of his son's family (I imagine so he can see his son's Mom). I don't want to do this for him, but once again I feel like I'm some how being uncooperative and mean.. But it's not my job to facilitate a relationship between him and his other children. Saying "No" isn't something I'm good at, which is why I'm in a lot of the messes I'm in from being with him

So, my second question is when I give him some times to call, should I tell him that no, I won't contact his son's great-aunt, or should I not respond to that request at all? I've learned from reading a book on divorcing people who possibly have narcissistic and/or borderline personality disorders, as well as from a divorce and custody forum that I need to keep my responses short, simple, and void of emotion. But I'm not sure if this also includes just not responding to specific requests?
Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
  #2  
Old 09-07-2018, 07:29 AM
sidewalker sidewalker is offline
CA, LASO, site sug. SUPER MOD

PTO Super Moderator Staff Superstar Winner 

Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: ca usa
Posts: 30,772
Thanks: 54,101
Thanked 28,696 Times in 14,451 Posts
Default

I'd ignore his request and if he asks again, just say Im sorry. I dont want to be involved in that. You can handle that issue.


Second, I'd send the photos. Maybe set it up to send one or two a month.
Phone calls? Thats hard to figure out when little ones will be awake. But you could tell him an approx time/day. Then say if she isnt awake, I wont answer.
I'd give him several different times you know your child is usually up and about. That way if he calls one time and she is sleeping, he can try again at the different time.
And if you are limiting how many times a day she will talk say.....once a day or week or whatever works there.


You dont have to be mean. Just firm.


ps I moved your post.
__________________
My windows aren't dirty

That's my dog's nose art


Last edited by sidewalker; 09-07-2018 at 07:31 AM..
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to sidewalker For This Useful Post:
Rigora (09-07-2018)
  #3  
Old 09-07-2018, 07:32 AM
sidewalker sidewalker is offline
CA, LASO, site sug. SUPER MOD

PTO Super Moderator Staff Superstar Winner 

Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: ca usa
Posts: 30,772
Thanks: 54,101
Thanked 28,696 Times in 14,451 Posts
Default

oops sorry I put it in the wrong forum at first. lol. its early.
__________________
My windows aren't dirty

That's my dog's nose art

Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to sidewalker For This Useful Post:
mg81 (09-07-2018), Rigora (09-07-2018)
  #4  
Old 09-07-2018, 08:00 AM
Rigora Rigora is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Virginia, USA
Posts: 130
Thanks: 77
Thanked 213 Times in 88 Posts
Default

It's okay, I wouldn't have even noticed had you not said something. I noticed it was in "Raising Children with Parents in Prison" and thought.. "Did I put it there? I must have.."

Edit: And thank you for the advice! I will send a photo, but I think I'm just going to wait a few days before responding at least. He typically doesn't call on the weekends, anyway. So, I'm not holding him up from contacting her. I'm not concerned with the amount he calls, because I'm no longer putting money on his account. He's stretching it between three households and four children, so he's calling once every two weeks.

Last edited by Rigora; 09-07-2018 at 08:04 AM..
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Rigora For This Useful Post:
sidewalker (09-08-2018)
  #5  
Old 09-07-2018, 08:30 AM
mg81's Avatar
mg81 mg81 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: MI, USA
Posts: 93
Thanks: 173
Thanked 115 Times in 55 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rigora View Post
It's okay, I wouldn't have even noticed had you not said something. I noticed it was in "Raising Children with Parents in Prison" and thought.. "Did I put it there? I must have.."

Edit: And thank you for the advice! I will send a photo, but I think I'm just going to wait a few days before responding at least. He typically doesn't call on the weekends, anyway. So, I'm not holding him up from contacting her. I'm not concerned with the amount he calls, because I'm no longer putting money on his account. He's stretching it between three households and four children, so he's calling once every two weeks.
Just a curious question. Do you know if he has the address of the person he wants you to contact? If he doesn't, you could include it with the message that you do not feel comfortable making the contact so he can make it himself.

I agree with sidewalker, unless something important comes up or you have a special picture, decide on how often (weekly, every other week, once a month, whatever) you want to send pictures and then try to stick to that schedule. I know it is difficult for them to get to phones at specific times, so giving a bit of a range for calls might be helpful. And I agree, let him know if she is asleep or unavailable for whatever reason, you won't answer. What you don't want to happen is for in the future, she blame you for not having contact with her Dad. It is not your responsibility to push the relationship, but you also don't want to be seen as the one who blocked it.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 09-07-2018, 08:54 AM
Rigora Rigora is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Virginia, USA
Posts: 130
Thanks: 77
Thanked 213 Times in 88 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by mg81 View Post
Just a curious question. Do you know if he has the address of the person he wants you to contact? If he doesn't, you could include it with the message that you do not feel comfortable making the contact so he can make it himself.

I agree with sidewalker, unless something important comes up or you have a special picture, decide on how often (weekly, every other week, once a month, whatever) you want to send pictures and then try to stick to that schedule. I know it is difficult for them to get to phones at specific times, so giving a bit of a range for calls might be helpful. And I agree, let him know if she is asleep or unavailable for whatever reason, you won't answer. What you don't want to happen is for in the future, she blame you for not having contact with her Dad. It is not your responsibility to push the relationship, but you also don't want to be seen as the one who blocked it.
He does have his address. He gave it to me last year so I could purchase and send his son a b-day gift. I gave him a schedule back in July, but I failed to let him know her nap schedule had changed since then. So, really, this was on me. I think I had also told him I'd send photos AT LEAST once a month, which is what I did in August. But is HAS been a month, to be fair.

That is definitely one of my biggest fears, that my daughter will question and blame me for getting in the way of a possible relationship with her father. I want to protect her, but I know I can only do so much before I come off as controlling and as if I'm alienating him.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Rigora For This Useful Post:
mg81 (09-07-2018)
  #7  
Old 09-07-2018, 09:40 AM
rockchalk1 rockchalk1 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,071
Thanks: 19
Thanked 1,248 Times in 632 Posts
Default

As a divorced mom with 4 kids, although their father wasn't and isn't in prison, you can be firm but respectful about it. I don't know what his situation is in regards to ever being able to get out of prison or not, but you do not want your child to grow up resenting you for not having any sort of relationship with her father.

You should do your best to have a set schedule and to make her available (I know she's only a toddler) and keep to that schedule. I would also document and keep track of when he does call and when he does not call. Just in case he ever tries to go to court over any of this. You just never know what someone is capable of. Again, I do not know if he is ever getting out, but who knows who may want to try to take custody if not him.

As for his other family members, if you think you will have trouble saying no to him, then just send him a letter and say, exactly what another poster said, write that you're sorry you're unable to do that for him but since he has the address he can should have no problem writing and asking himself.

As for the pictures, yes definitely send them. It's his daughter and it's the right thing to do. But having said that, I wouldn't wait for him to ask again. I would just go ahead and every couple of months send him a pic or 2 of her. That way you don't have to engage with him or let him control that part of the relationship. So, when you send this first set, you can just let him know that you will send him pictures every few months. Again, this way you control the contact with him.

So, to sum it up.
1. Set up specific times for phone calls - he either calls or he doesn't, but that's it (no different than it is on the outside for parents that have visiting time with their children
2. You sent pictures at certain intervals - that way you don't have to worry about him trying to control you, or contact you when he wants something, there then is no reason for him to contact you at all either

There is a way to be firm and nice about it. My ex husband and I have a fairly amicable relationship. We put our kids first above everything else. At least we try to. Sometimes he can be a real pain in the butt or nickel and dime on things and it drives me crazy and sometimes I know he thinks I am a pain, but we manage and our kids I think have come out ok so far. He is going to be a total cheapskate when it comes to paying for college, but he's still their father. I also appreciate that my ex has actually not been a complete dick about the situation with my current husband when he very well could have.

As for my current husband, his kids (2 daughters) have been complete bitches not only about it, but ever since his divorce. They refuse to meet my kids (their step-siblings), and basically want nothing to do with him. A lot of it has to do with his ex having poisoned them. We were invited to his daughter's wedding (not my kids obviously), but it was really uncomfortable and he was only allowed to participate in certain things, the grooms parents completely ignored us, yet his daughter thinks by just inviting him it was the greatest thing she could have done. I actually came home from that wedding and told my own children that I don't care what is going on between their father and me, and who pays for their wedding or not, but when they get married they are 100% going to be respectful of both their father and me, and whomever they marry parents and family that this was disgusting and you don't treat people that way ever. His daughter didn't even want him in any pictures. Its' sick. My point in all of this, is that he is still her father and you can't take that away, so no matter what your feelings are or his personality or whatever, she still has 50% of his genes and you can help make her grow up to be a phenomenal human being, but he is still her father and giving her the compassion to forgive whatever he did and to not have her immediately in her life, is ok, because it may help her in forming relationships and be a better person or a more empathetic person in the long run as opposed to a bitter person like so many other people are. I hope that makes sense. I'll get off my soap box now!
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 09-07-2018, 10:27 AM
Rigora Rigora is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Virginia, USA
Posts: 130
Thanks: 77
Thanked 213 Times in 88 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by rockchalk1 View Post
As a divorced mom with 4 kids, although their father wasn't and isn't in prison, you can be firm but respectful about it. I don't know what his situation is in regards to ever being able to get out of prison or not, but you do not want your child to grow up resenting you for not having any sort of relationship with her father.

You should do your best to have a set schedule and to make her available (I know she's only a toddler) and keep to that schedule. I would also document and keep track of when he does call and when he does not call. Just in case he ever tries to go to court over any of this. You just never know what someone is capable of. Again, I do not know if he is ever getting out, but who knows who may want to try to take custody if not him.

As for his other family members, if you think you will have trouble saying no to him, then just send him a letter and say, exactly what another poster said, write that you're sorry you're unable to do that for him but since he has the address he can should have no problem writing and asking himself.

As for the pictures, yes definitely send them. It's his daughter and it's the right thing to do. But having said that, I wouldn't wait for him to ask again. I would just go ahead and every couple of months send him a pic or 2 of her. That way you don't have to engage with him or let him control that part of the relationship. So, when you send this first set, you can just let him know that you will send him pictures every few months. Again, this way you control the contact with him.

So, to sum it up.
1. Set up specific times for phone calls - he either calls or he doesn't, but that's it (no different than it is on the outside for parents that have visiting time with their children
2. You sent pictures at certain intervals - that way you don't have to worry about him trying to control you, or contact you when he wants something, there then is no reason for him to contact you at all either

There is a way to be firm and nice about it. My ex husband and I have a fairly amicable relationship. We put our kids first above everything else. At least we try to. Sometimes he can be a real pain in the butt or nickel and dime on things and it drives me crazy and sometimes I know he thinks I am a pain, but we manage and our kids I think have come out ok so far. He is going to be a total cheapskate when it comes to paying for college, but he's still their father. I also appreciate that my ex has actually not been a complete dick about the situation with my current husband when he very well could have.

As for my current husband, his kids (2 daughters) have been complete bitches not only about it, but ever since his divorce. They refuse to meet my kids (their step-siblings), and basically want nothing to do with him. A lot of it has to do with his ex having poisoned them. We were invited to his daughter's wedding (not my kids obviously), but it was really uncomfortable and he was only allowed to participate in certain things, the grooms parents completely ignored us, yet his daughter thinks by just inviting him it was the greatest thing she could have done. I actually came home from that wedding and told my own children that I don't care what is going on between their father and me, and who pays for their wedding or not, but when they get married they are 100% going to be respectful of both their father and me, and whomever they marry parents and family that this was disgusting and you don't treat people that way ever. His daughter didn't even want him in any pictures. Its' sick. My point in all of this, is that he is still her father and you can't take that away, so no matter what your feelings are or his personality or whatever, she still has 50% of his genes and you can help make her grow up to be a phenomenal human being, but he is still her father and giving her the compassion to forgive whatever he did and to not have her immediately in her life, is ok, because it may help her in forming relationships and be a better person or a more empathetic person in the long run as opposed to a bitter person like so many other people are. I hope that makes sense. I'll get off my soap box now!

I'm so sorry your husband's children are behaving this way! I, honestly, disliked both my now ex-step-mother and ex-step-father. But, neither of them wanted or even liked children. However, I definitely tried my best not to be a complete snot growing up . I apologized to my ex-step-Mom years later, for my behavior towards the end of her relationship with my father.

Her father and I will probably never be on good terms. During our short 10 month relationship prior to his incarceration, he verbally, emotional, mentally, and financially abused me. I stayed with him for a year after his incarceration. It took me an entire year of being physically away from him to realize and understand all the bad stuff that happened. I want nothing to do with him, and I know it's going to be extra hard to help our daughter build a relationship with him because of this. I try to remind myself that their relationship is NOT our relationship.

His release date is in December of this year. He's struggled with substance abuse for over half his life, and it led to the crime he committed that landed him in prison (after he was given TWO chances on probation). I intend on requesting supervised visitation, at least temporarily and most likely in the form of a step-up plan. It's hard, and I know it's just going to continue being hard for me. He messed me up pretty bad, and I just want to protect our daughter. I want her to have a clean and sober father who isn't out here committing crimes and hurting people.

Last edited by Rigora; 09-07-2018 at 10:35 AM..
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 09-07-2018, 12:08 PM
jordan321's Avatar
jordan321 jordan321 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: Arizona
Posts: 316
Thanks: 107
Thanked 208 Times in 130 Posts
Default

So i went thru this with my daughters bio dad last year.
He got locked up about 2 years ago and he got served with his custody paper work a few months later.

I'm not sure if you have gone thru the actual courts and everything, but I would say it's in your best interest to be as cooperative with him as possible in regards to sending him a schedule of when he can call as well as pictures and messages to him about him.

I am required to send 2 pictures & 2 letters a month as well as making our daughter available up to 3 times a week for phone calls.

As for favors, I would just tell him that it's not your responsibility, and that he can send her a letter. That you won't be doing anything that does not have to do with your guys daughter.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 09-07-2018, 12:39 PM
rockchalk1 rockchalk1 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,071
Thanks: 19
Thanked 1,248 Times in 632 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rigora View Post
I'm so sorry your husband's children are behaving this way! I, honestly, disliked both my now ex-step-mother and ex-step-father. But, neither of them wanted or even liked children. However, I definitely tried my best not to be a complete snot growing up . I apologized to my ex-step-Mom years later, for my behavior towards the end of her relationship with my father.

Her father and I will probably never be on good terms. During our short 10 month relationship prior to his incarceration, he verbally, emotional, mentally, and financially abused me. I stayed with him for a year after his incarceration. It took me an entire year of being physically away from him to realize and understand all the bad stuff that happened. I want nothing to do with him, and I know it's going to be extra hard to help our daughter build a relationship with him because of this. I try to remind myself that their relationship is NOT our relationship.

His release date is in December of this year. He's struggled with substance abuse for over half his life, and it led to the crime he committed that landed him in prison (after he was given TWO chances on probation). I intend on requesting supervised visitation, at least temporarily and most likely in the form of a step-up plan. It's hard, and I know it's just going to continue being hard for me. He messed me up pretty bad, and I just want to protect our daughter. I want her to have a clean and sober father who isn't out here committing crimes and hurting people.
I agree 100% with you on the supervised visitation. You are smart to be thinking ahead. The last thing you want is for him to come out and just show up and make demands. I always say to my husband, come out ahead of things before they bite you in the ass. Show that you're being cooperative. You can certainly co-parent together and not be a couple. My ex and I do it, and we definitely have different views on parenting. We have 1 kid out of high school on his own that came out unscathed, didn't get caught up in all the high school drinking or drug experimentation, and two more about to graduate who haven't as well. I can't say if it's because of us or not, but clearly we are lucky and are doing something right as divorced parents. 1 more to go and so far so good. We are lucky our kids go to a top notch high school, but things like vaping and drinking are rampant at our school. My kids know I do not approve nor condone it. I'm not stupid or naive to think they may not do it, but I am not going to encourage it and there will be consequences. However, #1 is their safety, so if they ever get into a dangerous situation or whatnot, they know to call me first, etc. I've probably scared the crap out of them enough at this point and they pretty much tell me everything, but again, I'm not stupid so I don't turn a blind eye to what goes on either like so many people around here.

Just stay on top of things, and do what you're doing. Set the boundaries, be civil and let him prove himself as a father. He will have to live with the supervised visit and be happy he is getting that. You are doing the right thing.

As for my husband's kids, it's their loss. For whatever reason, they're jealous of my kids. His ex put it in their heads that he was going to adopt my kids (of course forgetting that they have a father apparently) and would treat them better than his own kids, etc. He hasn't heard from one of his the entire time he's been gone (since last Dec) and the other one he is finally hearing more of since June, but up until then heard from her maybe 3x and she actually asked him why he doesn't prioritize her over me. Hello? She's 32 and married and can't comprehend that? Oh and this coming from someone who didn't say goodbye to him before he left, wasn't there for him throughout his case, didn't communicate with him as I said, and wanted him to get the 71 months sentence which was the top of the guildelines instead of the 18 he received. And, has made a recent demand that since she is now pregnant has told him that if he wants any relationship with her baby then it means it is without me whatsoever period. So in other words, he can drive my car to see her, use my money to pay for gifts and meals but not involve me in any other way shape or form. She claimed I harassed her all these years. So when he called her out and said I have only sent her 5 emails in 2 years and 2 were in re to congratulating her on her pregnancy and 2 were in re to condolences on the death of her grandparents, her response then was that I made her uncomfortable. So now his thought is basically that she's a 32 year old woman who's going to cut her father out of her life because his wife makes her uncomfortable?? After all the crap that people have to deal with on this site, it is amazing that this is this person's biggest problem in life!! It's really sad. But it is what it is and that's on her I guess. I'm thankful for him and thankful my kids love him and he loves my kids. It's her loss honestly, but he's not choosing his daughter who hasn't been there for him over these last 4 years at all, over me. It's not even a contest and shouldn't be, that's what's even more sad about it, but he has accepted that.

So that's why you need to just do the best you can and let it be her choice and you seem to understand that, and kudos to you for making the apologies you did. I learned a valuable lesson as well from my youth as I didn't have a great relationship with my mother in law initially but as time grew she was and is amazing and we have a great relationship today. (This is my first mother in law). I still consider her my mother in law and am so lucky to have her in my life. And with all this crap with my husband and my in laws not judging any of us, and how my stepkids are, and even what a pain in the butt my current husband's mother is (saying her life is so much worse than his...yup you read that correctly)..I realized just how damn lucky I am with my inlaws and I too apologized to her for anything I did as a young daughter in law that was rude or inappropriate and can only hope I can make sure my own daughters will be more appreciative than I was!!
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to rockchalk1 For This Useful Post:
Itshardtowait (09-07-2018)
  #11  
Old 09-08-2018, 12:58 PM
Rigora Rigora is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Virginia, USA
Posts: 130
Thanks: 77
Thanked 213 Times in 88 Posts
Default

Alrighty. I told him when our daughter naps and suggested a time and day to call every week or two. I told will not schedule appointments during this time to ensure he gets to speak to her.
And to make sure he doesn't assume I did, I informed him that I will not be contacting his son's family for him.


Thank you all for the advice. Oh, and I also attached a photo. I tried to be respectful, but I felt no matter how I worded the part regarding his son, it came off wrong. I tend to stress over other people's reactions a bit toooo much.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Rigora For This Useful Post:
sidewalker (09-09-2018)
  #12  
Old 09-09-2018, 04:49 AM
rockchalk1 rockchalk1 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,071
Thanks: 19
Thanked 1,248 Times in 632 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rigora View Post
Alrighty. I told him when our daughter naps and suggested a time and day to call every week or two. I told will not schedule appointments during this time to ensure he gets to speak to her.
And to make sure he doesn't assume I did, I informed him that I will not be contacting his son's family for him.


Thank you all for the advice. Oh, and I also attached a photo. I tried to be respectful, but I felt no matter how I worded the part regarding his son, it came off wrong. I tend to stress over other people's reactions a bit toooo much.
Sounds like you did a great job!
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to rockchalk1 For This Useful Post:
Rigora (09-09-2018), sidewalker (09-09-2018)
  #13  
Old 09-09-2018, 05:01 AM
xolady xolady is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: May 2014
Location: highlands, florida
Posts: 5,738
Thanks: 12,223
Thanked 5,960 Times in 3,104 Posts
Default

Now that you have filed for custody ask the courts exactly what your obligations are and don't entertain his BS your daughter doesn't even know him so stop worrying about him and his feelings your and your daughter are really your only concern. He has no rights to expect you to do anything other then what the courts decide, if he was so worried about his children he'd have made every effort to maintain a stable relationship with them. Your doing everything you can for your child and thats all you need to do.
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to xolady For This Useful Post:
Rigora (09-09-2018), sidewalker (09-09-2018)
  #14  
Old 09-09-2018, 06:20 AM
Rigora Rigora is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Virginia, USA
Posts: 130
Thanks: 77
Thanked 213 Times in 88 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by xolady View Post
Now that you have filed for custody ask the courts exactly what your obligations are and don't entertain his BS your daughter doesn't even know him so stop worrying about him and his feelings your and your daughter are really your only concern. He has no rights to expect you to do anything other then what the courts decide, if he was so worried about his children he'd have made every effort to maintain a stable relationship with them. Your doing everything you can for your child and thats all you need to do.

The initial custody hearing is this coming Wednesday. I feel so unprepared and nervous. I know my responsibility begins and ends with our daughter. I just have to stay strong.
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Rigora For This Useful Post:
fbopnomore (09-09-2018), xolady (09-09-2018)
  #15  
Old 09-09-2018, 06:24 AM
sidewalker sidewalker is offline
CA, LASO, site sug. SUPER MOD

PTO Super Moderator Staff Superstar Winner 

Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: ca usa
Posts: 30,772
Thanks: 54,101
Thanked 28,696 Times in 14,451 Posts
Default

AND KEEP NOTES about your communication with him. What you agreed to etc.
You might even consider writing it in a letter to him so its written down and he cant say oh she agreed to THIS (when you didnt)
keep records of when he calls and if your daughter talked with him.


edit to add......try not to stress over the hearing. This one is a no brainer.
You're doing good mom.!
__________________
My windows aren't dirty

That's my dog's nose art

Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to sidewalker For This Useful Post:
fbopnomore (09-09-2018), Rigora (09-09-2018), Sunnielg (09-09-2018), xolady (09-09-2018)
  #16  
Old 09-09-2018, 07:01 AM
Rigora Rigora is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Virginia, USA
Posts: 130
Thanks: 77
Thanked 213 Times in 88 Posts
Default

Thank you
I created a call log in Excel and have been writing down dates, times, and a brief summary of what was discussed, if he spoke to our daughter or not. I hadn't thought about writing down what was agreed upon between us!
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Rigora For This Useful Post:
fbopnomore (09-09-2018)
  #17  
Old 09-09-2018, 07:53 AM
xolady xolady is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: May 2014
Location: highlands, florida
Posts: 5,738
Thanks: 12,223
Thanked 5,960 Times in 3,104 Posts
Default

I would hope that the courts terminate all his parental rights, he's done nothing to ensure her safety or well being. From what you have said all he seems to care about is himself and he'll use any and all who let themselves get sucked into his life draining ways. Best of luck I pray you get everything you are asking for.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to xolady For This Useful Post:
Rigora (09-09-2018)
  #18  
Old 09-09-2018, 08:32 AM
Rigora Rigora is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Virginia, USA
Posts: 130
Thanks: 77
Thanked 213 Times in 88 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by xolady View Post
I would hope that the courts terminate all his parental rights, he's done nothing to ensure her safety or well being. From what you have said all he seems to care about is himself and he'll use any and all who let themselves get sucked into his life draining ways. Best of luck I pray you get everything you are asking for.

Thank you. Unfortunately, you're completely right. He's sucked in and spat out four women, seven kids, and he's still the same guy. I'm just glad I came to my senses before I found myself married to him, because that's where it was headed
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 09-09-2018, 10:31 AM
jordan321's Avatar
jordan321 jordan321 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: Arizona
Posts: 316
Thanks: 107
Thanked 208 Times in 130 Posts
Default

Unfortunately that WILL NOT happen. Being in prison/having a violent long criminal history (if that's what he has) does not terminate his rights. Especially during a custody hearing. That is a different beast on it's own. I would know because I am going thru it. Well looking into the process & talking to a lawyer about it.
She will have to go thru custody and later on go to court again to terminate rights. Even then, it might not happen.
From my lawyer: They look into what the person has done TO THE CHILD; abuse, neglect etc. If they child is young enough they will see as if the person didn't have time to bond with the child so it is very hard to determine if the person is a danger or not.

Terminating rights is very hard, and a long process and being in and out of jail (depending on your state) isn't even a reason they look at to terminate it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by xolady View Post
I would hope that the courts terminate all his parental rights, he's done nothing to ensure her safety or well being. From what you have said all he seems to care about is himself and he'll use any and all who let themselves get sucked into his life draining ways. Best of luck I pray you get everything you are asking for.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 09-09-2018, 10:35 AM
jordan321's Avatar
jordan321 jordan321 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: Arizona
Posts: 316
Thanks: 107
Thanked 208 Times in 130 Posts
Default

I keep a copy of EVERY letter I have written & sent to my BD, the original & a copy of every letter he has sent (you say Jpay so i would print out every email)
I record phone calls, and I write everything we talk about in the phone call in a summary type of thing in a letter to ensure I have proof we talked about and exactly what we talked about.

It helps a lot. Also, I learned this the hard way, if you do not submit all "evidence" to the court and him via certified mail it will not be able to be used in court (may also depend on your state) .
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rigora View Post
The initial custody hearing is this coming Wednesday. I feel so unprepared and nervous. I know my responsibility begins and ends with our daughter. I just have to stay strong.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to jordan321 For This Useful Post:
Sunnielg (09-09-2018)
  #21  
Old 09-09-2018, 12:43 PM
Rigora Rigora is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Virginia, USA
Posts: 130
Thanks: 77
Thanked 213 Times in 88 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by jordan321 View Post
Unfortunately that WILL NOT happen. Being in prison/having a violent long criminal history (if that's what he has) does not terminate his rights. Especially during a custody hearing. That is a different beast on it's own. I would know because I am going thru it. Well looking into the process & talking to a lawyer about it.
She will have to go thru custody and later on go to court again to terminate rights. Even then, it might not happen.
From my lawyer: They look into what the person has done TO THE CHILD; abuse, neglect etc. If they child is young enough they will see as if the person didn't have time to bond with the child so it is very hard to determine if the person is a danger or not.

Terminating rights is very hard, and a long process and being in and out of jail (depending on your state) isn't even a reason they look at to terminate it.

I couldn't imagine them terminating his rights out of the blue. While it's something I've considered, I wouldn't request such a thing right away. Considering he's never even met our daughter, I feel like it reflects poorly on me to come in demanding his rights be terminated. Right now I'm thinking about a step-up parenting plan, with the first step involving him taking a parenting class, either in conjunction with or prior to supervised visitation . I'm pretty sure I have a J-Pay message from him where he said HE planned on taking one upon his release, and I want to ensure that happens.

He has a mostly undocumented history of substance abuse. Publicly, I can see plenty of speeding tickets, driving on a suspended/no license, etc, a trespassing charge. The major thing that landed him in prison was grand larceny and/or credit card fraud, which he committed while under the influence (can't remember which drug he said he was on at the time. I know one event he spoke of he said he was "forced" to take heroin, and that's why he stole their stuff). While I cannot see anything about it in the court's public records system online, I do know he was originally court ordered into a rehab program as his probation in lieu of prison, which he was kicked out of for having a cell phone (not allowed) and for threatening another program participant. He spent 6 months there and was only on step one. It's a four or five step program that usually takes participants 1 to 1 1/2 years to complete.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Rigora For This Useful Post:
jordan321 (09-09-2018)
  #22  
Old 09-09-2018, 03:44 PM
Sunnielg's Avatar
Sunnielg Sunnielg is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Gulf County, FL
Posts: 310
Thanks: 674
Thanked 249 Times in 137 Posts
Default

DOCUMENT EVERYTHING!! Keep a copy of ALL. Correspondence with him....and be open to trying to establish a "relationship" between father and child. It looks better for the mom in the long run if she can say I tried this and this and HE didn't try.
__________________


Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 09-12-2018, 10:18 AM
Rigora Rigora is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Virginia, USA
Posts: 130
Thanks: 77
Thanked 213 Times in 88 Posts
Default

Well, I just got home from the custody hearing. The judge gave me temporary full legal and physical custody. She scheduled another hearing on the same date and time as the paternity hearing, where she said she would finalize the custody order! She is not going to order anything for visitation and said we can work it out together, or he can file for visitation upon his release
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Rigora For This Useful Post:
jordan321 (09-12-2018), sidewalker (09-14-2018)
  #24  
Old 09-12-2018, 10:49 AM
jordan321's Avatar
jordan321 jordan321 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: Arizona
Posts: 316
Thanks: 107
Thanked 208 Times in 130 Posts
Default

That's good , that's what i got plus the 2 letters/pictures because that was his request.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rigora View Post
Well, I just got home from the custody hearing. The judge gave me temporary full legal and physical custody. She scheduled another hearing on the same date and time as the paternity hearing, where she said she would finalize the custody order! She is not going to order anything for visitation and said we can work it out together, or he can file for visitation upon his release
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to jordan321 For This Useful Post:
Rigora (09-12-2018)
  #25  
Old 09-12-2018, 11:02 AM
Rigora Rigora is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Virginia, USA
Posts: 130
Thanks: 77
Thanked 213 Times in 88 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by jordan321 View Post
That's good , that's what i got plus the 2 letters/pictures because that was his request.

His GAL said he had requests, but he didn't get to say what they were. I might find out in October at the next hearing.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
My Daughter's Father.... missy.lille Raising Children with Parents in Prison 5 08-15-2012 10:51 PM
MWI (former CO) need advice about handling communications missingmylove10 Met While Incarcerated 13 07-18-2012 08:20 PM
Advice: father telling his daughter bad things about stepfather butterfly263 Raising Children with Parents in Prison 7 12-09-2010 01:11 PM
My daughter's biological father and lifer father LadyBell Loving a Lifer 6 11-04-2009 05:51 PM
I need to see my daughter's father. JMUNOZ210 Texas Prison and Jail Visitation, Phones, Packages & Mail 0 01-03-2006 06:58 AM


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 07:24 PM.
Copyright © 2001- 2017 Prison Talk Online
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Website Design & Custom vBulletin Skins by: Relivo Media
Message Board Statistics