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Raising Children with Parents in Prison For the Parent left behind with children AND for the Children that have a parent inside. Discussion of unique challenges facing this group!

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  #1  
Old 10-29-2017, 07:07 PM
Arielj0825 Arielj0825 is offline
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Default Should I still allow our baby to be apart of his life?

My child's father is a first timer and just moved from county to reception 3 days ago. The day before he left we got into a huge argument and I told him to never call me again. Just a little backstory, we were very happy before he went in. But, a few days after he went in I found out he cheated on me when i went through his phone. After me finding that out, I've completely lost trust, love, and everything else I possibly felt for him. I'm so hurt and betrayed but yet I'm still thinking what if we can make this work but I know it's dumb to even consider. So now i'm dealing with losing the idea of having my family together. Anyway, he was sentenced to 20 months but has 7 months time served. He violated his probation on technical's, not paying his court fines and he didn't complete community service. His release date just updated and is now 01/02/2019. I'm very upset and the more I have time to think, which is every second, the more angry and resentful I become at how I'm left to raise our 6 month old son by myself at 19. I'm a full time mom, full time student in college, and soon to be working a full time job in a few days! I'm excited and ready to give my son the best life he deserves but I can't help but harbor hate towards him and it's eating away at me. So my question is, when it pertains to our child, do I still send him pictures of us? Or my son, rather. Do I take my son to visit him or should i let his mom take him whenever she visits? Do I write him letters and pick up phone calls and talk to him about our child? Our son will be a few months shy of turning 2 when he gets out. I'm just so devastated I never imagined my life like this I thought everything was going great. I'm working on forgiveness but I can't stop thinking about everything I know now. I want to keep my son active in his life but I just feel like he had that opportunity when he was free. I personally just want him to suffer but I always think of our baby. I'm just praying he changes for the better. Even if its not for me I pray prison makes him open up his eyes. But, Ultimately, the responsibility of raising him will be left to me. Thanks!
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Old 10-29-2017, 07:31 PM
onedayatatime13 onedayatatime13 is offline
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Originally Posted by Arielj0825 View Post
My child's father is a first timer and just moved from county to reception 3 days ago. The day before he left we got into a huge argument and I told him to never call me again. Just a little backstory, we were very happy before he went in. But, a few days after he went in I found out he cheated on me when i went through his phone. After me finding that out, I've completely lost trust, love, and everything else I possibly felt for him. I'm so hurt and betrayed but yet I'm still thinking what if we can make this work but I know it's dumb to even consider. So now i'm dealing with losing the idea of having my family together. Anyway, he was sentenced to 20 months but has 7 months time served. He violated his probation on technical's, not paying his court fines and he didn't complete community service. His release date just updated and is now 01/02/2019. I'm very upset and the more I have time to think, which is every second, the more angry and resentful I become at how I'm left to raise our 6 month old son by myself at 19. I'm a full time mom, full time student in college, and soon to be working a full time job in a few days! I'm excited and ready to give my son the best life he deserves but I can't help but harbor hate towards him and it's eating away at me. So my question is, when it pertains to our child, do I still send him pictures of us? Or my son, rather. Do I take my son to visit him or should i let his mom take him whenever she visits? Do I write him letters and pick up phone calls and talk to him about our child? Our son will be a few months shy of turning 2 when he gets out. I'm just so devastated I never imagined my life like this I thought everything was going great. I'm working on forgiveness but I can't stop thinking about everything I know now. I want to keep my son active in his life but I just feel like he had that opportunity when he was free. I personally just want him to suffer but I always think of our baby. I'm just praying he changes for the better. Even if its not for me I pray prison makes him open up his eyes. But, Ultimately, the responsibility of raising him will be left to me. Thanks!
What he did to you is not your child's fault and he is still the father. How was he toward his son prior? Does he want to be a part of his life?

How are your ties with his family? I would go through them and not have contact if you can't handle the stress right now.

Your anger is justified toward him, but don't go down the track like some and use a child as a weapon. If he is an unfit parent, that is one thing. Im sure there is much more to the story. You know for sure the whole thing and will make the right decision. I just would hate someone to with hold their child because of just this. When my ex left me, I just prayed he would be a good father and always remember his place in my life.
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Old 10-29-2017, 07:46 PM
Arielj0825 Arielj0825 is offline
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What he did to you is not your child's fault and he is still the father. How was he toward his son prior? Does he want to be a part of his life?

How are your ties with his family? I would go through them and not have contact if you can't handle the stress right now.

Your anger is justified toward him, but don't go down the track like some and use a child as a weapon. If he is an unfit parent, that is one thing. Im sure there is much more to the story. You know for sure the whole thing and will make the right decision. I just would hate someone to with hold their child because of just this. When my ex left me, I just prayed he would be a good father and always remember his place in my life.
Yes, he wants to be apart of his life. He's never done any wrong to him. Every time we talked he said that hearing our son babble in the background kept him going. His parents love me and our son. They're very supportive and have agreed to paying for diapers, wipes, and anything else he needs while he's locked away. I tried being cordial and just keeping the conversation about our son but that only lasts so long before I get angry and want to know why he did what he did to me. In my eyes, he gave up his family and risked us all when he cheated.
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Old 10-29-2017, 07:48 PM
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I agree 100% with what Oneday said. Your problems are yours and right now using a baby as a get back at him for hurting you is just wrong on so many levels. Don't see him but let his Mother bring the baby to visit if you are in a good place with his family. Besides what he did he already did. Either you forgive him or move on get a job and stop depending on his parents for YOUR childs needs.

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Old 10-29-2017, 07:54 PM
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Yes, he wants to be apart of his life. He's never done any wrong to him. Every time we talked he said that hearing our son babble in the background kept him going. His parents love me and our son. They're very supportive and have agreed to paying for diapers, wipes, and anything else he needs while he's locked away. I tried being cordial and just keeping the conversation about our son but that only lasts so long before I get angry and want to know why he did what he did to me. In my eyes, he gave up his family and risked us all when he cheated.
If he wasn't in prison and you knew he cheated, what would be different? If he is a good father foster that and don't let the anger cloud you.

You go on with your life and heal. Men cheat all the time as do women, but that has nothing to do with their kids and how they treat their kids. If your parents went through the same thing, would you want to be kept from your father? In the long run, it punishes the child too.

If he was a toxic parent, the conversation would be completely different.
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Old 10-29-2017, 07:56 PM
Arielj0825 Arielj0825 is offline
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So, you obviously missed the part where I said I'm a full time mom, a full time college student, and I start a new full time job in a few days? I don't depend on anyone. My child will be well taken of whether I buy his diapers or his mom buys his diapers. In fact, I have never asked them for anything they've naturally just done for him because they're his grandparents and they adore him. Also, I'm not getting back at him at all. But having to talk to someone on the phone and visit them while I'm trying to heal isn't fair.
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I agree 100% with what Oneday said. Your problems are yours and right now using a baby as a get back at him for hurting you is just wrong on so many levels. Don't see him but let his Mother bring the baby to visit if you are in a good place with his family. Besides what he did he already did. Either you forgive him or move on get a job and stop depending on his parents for YOUR childs needs.
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Old 10-29-2017, 08:01 PM
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I understand what you're saying but how can you be a good dad from prison? He left me with nothing on the outside. Now i'm picking up the pieces trying to hold things together and make sure my son is ok. To me it's not fair. Now I have to go the extra mile to keep him in his life when he had that same opportunity on the outside. The thing about it all is my parents actually split from my dad cheating which left me extremely depressed a few years back and he was there to witness that. So he essentially is putting me back in that very same feeling. Maybe I sound selfish. But, thanks anyway.
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If he wasn't in prison and you knew he cheated, what would be different? If he is a good father foster that and don't let the anger cloud you.

You go on with your life and heal. Men cheat all the time as do women, but that has nothing to do with their kids and how they treat their kids. If your parents went through the same thing, would you want to be kept from your father? In the long run, it punishes the child too.

If he was a toxic parent, the conversation would be completely different.
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Old 10-29-2017, 08:04 PM
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So, you obviously missed the part where I said I'm a full time mom, a full time college student, and I start a new full time job in a few days? I don't depend on anyone. My child will be well taken of whether I buy his diapers or his mom buys his diapers. In fact, I have never asked them for anything they've naturally just done for him because they're his grandparents and they adore him. Also, I'm not getting back at him at all. But having to talk to someone on the phone and visit them while I'm trying to heal isn't fair.
Sorry for the missing what your doing. Good luck with school , job, and parenting. I think you need to either get some therapy or learn to deal with your anger issues, because eventually your child is going to be the one to suffer from them. Right now your mad at me for something and totally missed my point, he's the father and he should be allowed to have a part of his life. If your anger is going to prevent you from dealing with him then let his Mother deal with him and the baby.
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Old 10-29-2017, 08:05 PM
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I understand what you're saying but how can you be a good dad from prison? He left me with nothing on the outside. Now i'm picking up the pieces trying to hold things together and make sure my son is ok. To me it's not fair. Now I have to go the extra mile to keep him in his life when he had that same opportunity on the outside. The thing about it all is my parents actually split from my dad cheating which left me extremely depressed a few years back and he was there to witness that. So he essentially is putting me back in that very same feeling. Maybe I sound selfish. But, thanks anyway.
You sound hurt, angry and overwhelmed. Right now your child is young and won't remember much. As they get older, they will. You dont have to rush a decision. You dont have to see him or talk to him. Let his parents figure that part out.
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Old 10-29-2017, 08:17 PM
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The relationship your child has with his father does t have anything to do with your relationship with him. Don't let your son be without his father because you can't get along. Because it's not his fault. He deserves to have his father and the father deserves to have his son. Don't be that parent who punishes the child. I see women bringing their children to see their dad's. It's pretty awesome. Most of the time the mother doesn't even speak to the father they let their children have an amazing time with him. Makes my heart happy. It will all work out.
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Old 10-29-2017, 08:20 PM
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I found out my husband cheated on me with a co after I stood by him for 2 years in prison...but he's an amazing dad and I take our 3 year old daughter to see him every other weekend. It's a 3 hour round trip drive and in total costs about $70 per trip but she loves her dad and he loves her. He's got another 4 years inside.

Whether or not you forgive the father and try to make your family work is one thing. But denying an otherwise good father access to his child is wrong especially if it's not you who has to take the child.

I know how hard it is being a young (very young in my case) single mother but if you're determined to make it work you will. I wish you all the luck!
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Old 10-29-2017, 11:24 PM
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If I were in your shoes... I would not be looking to keep the family together as cheating is a deal breaker for me. My child is only 6 months old (not really going to remember this time in his life) and his father is 7 months in on a 20 month sentence. I would focus on my work, school and family and not on going out of my way to take the baby to visit. I would take pictures and send them once a month with a short note saying whatever is pertinent to the baby. Keeping it focused only on the baby. Let the father do his sentence, no real reason for phone calls either unless there is an emergency, and then when he is released and ready to come see the baby, make the arrangements ...

That would give me time to heal some from the hurt and by then I would be more clear of mind and my ability to co-parent would be much better.

That is what I would do...
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Old 10-30-2017, 02:19 AM
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Don't use your child as a ploy. He is young and ceasing communication with his dad is not the end of the world. I believe any communication you have with him about your son, has the potential to keep you entangled and not able to move on.

Let him do his time, take care of yourself and child, when he gets out and the child is old enough, he can make his own decision on whether to have a relationship with his dad or not. Stay focused on your personal goals and being self sufficient in life.
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Old 10-30-2017, 02:31 AM
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Don't use your son as weapon. Let his mom take him to visit his father. Whatever is going on with you and him it's not fair for your son to visit. If you are in regular contact with his mom, he can ring her to find out about his son without you ever having to talk to him
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Old 10-30-2017, 08:49 AM
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If he was active in seeing his child and helping support him before he went to prison, Or rather returned to prison, then you should allow his parents to take your son to visit.
If he was not really involved before then, I'd just let it go and have him make some sort of effort. While your son is too young to really know whats going on here...at some point he's going to want to know about him.

As to the the son's grandparents...its great they want to stay involved. For sure I'd allow that to continue. Its good for kids to have family members who love them involved in their lives.

As to how much you should do toward keeping lines of communication open with your childs dad...if you are done with him, fine. But his son may not be. I'd probably answer phone calls but I'd leave the stuff between you out of it. Talk about the baby. How he's doing. stuff like...he's sitting up on his own, He's teething, He's walking.
He is talking etc.

I know if it was me, I'd be kicking myself in the teeth for missing all those things.

Try to separate your personal feelings of betrayal, and hurt from the relationship from clouding things for your son.
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Old 10-30-2017, 06:34 PM
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If he was active in seeing his child and helping support him before he went to prison, Or rather returned to prison, then you should allow his parents to take your son to visit.
If he was not really involved before then, I'd just let it go and have him make some sort of effort. While your son is too young to really know whats going on here...at some point he's going to want to know about him.

As to the the son's grandparents...its great they want to stay involved. For sure I'd allow that to continue. Its good for kids to have family members who love them involved in their lives.

As to how much you should do toward keeping lines of communication open with your childs dad...if you are done with him, fine. But his son may not be. I'd probably answer phone calls but I'd leave the stuff between you out of it. Talk about the baby. How he's doing. stuff like...he's sitting up on his own, He's teething, He's walking.
He is talking etc.

I know if it was me, I'd be kicking myself in the teeth for missing all those things.

Try to separate your personal feelings of betrayal, and hurt from the relationship from clouding things for your son.
This post is dead on. You are doing your son a disservice if you try to keep him out of his father's life. You relationship with the father is probably over, but you need to separate the two as one is not dependent on the other. You are a young mother and that is difficult. You should embrace his parents and see how much help they can give you with the baby in terms of taking them to visit his father. Or if need be, you go with a friend and have the friend bring the baby in, if it's too hard for you to go and see him. But don't punish your child for the mistakes of his father. You do not want him to grow up resenting you for it, especially because as you have said he was a great father before hand.

When he comes out in another year +, you'll have to decide what kind of relationship you want with him, but it is possible to both be parents to your son and have an amicable relationship. It's not always easy, you need to put your son first before yourself. Another poster mentioned therapy. That may be a good idea, just for the sake of having someone to talk to and give you an unbiased perspective of things. It can be a big help.
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Old 10-31-2017, 10:33 PM
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The child isn't a weapon. That's his son. Send pics monthly. Let son visit with grandma and keep up the good work you're doing as mom. You'll either find a way through it all together or you won't. Right now focus on you, but that is his child, and you have no right to keep him away fully. Jmo
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Old 11-01-2017, 03:09 AM
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You don't use the child as a weapon. Simple, I hate women who do that. Dad once was your soulmate I guess and because f that the child has been born. He has as much right to see the kid as you have. Try to imagine to be on the other side for some reason and it wouldn't even be a question................. OF course you wanted to see the child.
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Old 11-04-2017, 09:03 AM
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Communicate always for your child. The fatger has a right to a relationship. You are young and who knows what future holds. Accept calls and letters for your sons case.
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Old 11-05-2017, 08:05 AM
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**The fatger has a right to a relationship.

And the child still has a right to one as well as be supported by him.

I do hope the op figures out what to do in the best interests of all.
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Old 11-21-2017, 06:46 PM
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I understand how you feel but you are very fortunate that he family is supportive which means they can take on the role of fostering a relationship between your baby and babyfather. You continue to heal and be an awesome mommy to your baby. Let his mom do all the visits and he can hear the baby when the baby is with her on weekends. The most I would do is send pictures once a month and only talk to him in case of emergency. Good luck. You seem like an awesome mommy.
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