Welcome to the Prison Talk Online Community! Take a Minute and Sign Up Today!






Go Back   Prison Talk > FOR FAMILY & FRIENDS > Adult Children and Siblings of Inmates
Register Entertainment FAQ Calendar Mark Forums Read

Adult Children and Siblings of Inmates For Adult Children, brothers and sisters of prisoners

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 09-13-2018, 06:59 AM
Milky001 Milky001 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Sep 2018
Location: New York
Posts: 3
Thanks: 6
Thanked 5 Times in 2 Posts
Default Brother arrested

Hello all
I just came upon this forum. I guess Iím looking for a community because there is no one in my life I can talk to about this. My brother was recently arrested on a serious charge. He is in jail awaiting next steps but a lengthy sentence is expected, and we canít afford the bail nor a private attorney for him. Iíve cried but mostly Iím in shock and forced to be the strong one because our mother is not dealing with this well. She doesn't know the details of his charges. I learned from one of the investigators and am keeping it to myself because she wonít cope. She will find out eventually. I donít live in the same state and am in town just for a brief period. I worry I wonít be here to comfort her when she hears. Iím a pessimist in general so trying to be hopeful in these circumstances is impossible. I donít know what to do, think, or feel. Itís only been a few days so I think it will get better from here as we will all get used to it to some degree, will become our new normal, but then I think about all the case details coming out and how that will play out. And how Iíll have to return back home and be alone and wonít be able to confide in friends. Just wanted to get some of the above out but if anyone here understands me, would love to hear from you. Thank you
Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
  #2  
Old 09-13-2018, 09:10 AM
jordan321's Avatar
jordan321 jordan321 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: Arizona
Posts: 287
Thanks: 101
Thanked 197 Times in 122 Posts
Default

I'm sorry you are going thru this.

IF you know your mother will not cope with his charges, maybe you can talk to her about going to therapy together, and break the ice there? I'm not sure what she thinks he's charge with or the details she knows

But i know my mother would want to know sooner rather than later so it doesn't hit her like "WTF" i thought it was this or that.

I hope you find a way to help her in that area and I hope she copes well and over comes this mentally.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to jordan321 For This Useful Post:
Milky001 (09-22-2018)
  #3  
Old 09-13-2018, 10:07 AM
fbopnomore fbopnomore is offline
Site Moderator

PTO Site Moderator Staff Superstar Winner 

Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 27,118
Thanks: 41,523
Thanked 20,119 Times in 11,748 Posts
Default

Welcome to Prison Talk. I'm sorry for what your family is facing.

The beginning is always the hardest time for everyone because the situation he is facing can, and often does change over time. How you and your Mom decide is the best way to deal with the uncertainties of this nightmare is always difficult too.

You both need to take care of yourselves first so you can continue to support your Brother as his court case progresses, often over a lengthy period of time. He is alone with his thoughts, so staying in frequent contact with him through letters, phone calls and visits is very important.
__________________
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to fbopnomore For This Useful Post:
GingerM (09-14-2018), Milky001 (09-22-2018), patchouli (09-22-2018)
  #4  
Old 09-13-2018, 10:46 AM
maytayah's Avatar
maytayah maytayah is online now
Lil British Site Moderator

Staff Superstar Winner PTO Site Moderator 

 

Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: England Uk
Posts: 7,103
Thanks: 6,594
Thanked 9,358 Times in 3,945 Posts
Default

Hi there I think the begining can be the hardest part as there is no certainty and you dont know what you are dealing with. Your brother will have a public defender appointed by the court and they will be able to give your brother his options.
After his sentencing things should settle and you can hopefully get into a routine of visits and calls.
Your brother is still going to be in your lives. In a different way than you would choose but still with you. He can still have a life in prison.
Take care and know that things do get easier although there are difficult times ahead with court dates etc make sure you support each other as a family.
__________________
"Do not judge me by my successes, judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again." Nelson Mandela.

Who cares what they say about us? Because when I am with you I am standing with an army
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to maytayah For This Useful Post:
Milky001 (09-22-2018)
  #5  
Old 09-13-2018, 11:13 AM
Free At Last 5 Free At Last 5 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: KY, USA
Posts: 132
Thanks: 16
Thanked 237 Times in 96 Posts
Default

Hello! Please just try to keep the perspective that it is NOT the end of the world, and that you will all find the strength to make it through this. Many thousands of people have experienced what you are going through, and even long prison sentences come to an end. There will be many things in this journey that you will be powerless to change. Practice acceptance of this and focus your time and energy on those things you can contribute to bettering, such as helping your family. I’m glad you found the forum. There are many people and resources here to help you through these troubled times, and help your brother prepare for his time in prison. Just take things one day at a time. Best of luck to you.
__________________
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Free At Last 5 For This Useful Post:
fbopnomore (09-13-2018), Milky001 (09-22-2018), patchouli (09-22-2018)
  #6  
Old 09-14-2018, 06:36 AM
GingerM's Avatar
GingerM GingerM is offline
Super Moderator

PTO Super Moderator Staff Superstar Award 

Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 4,809
Thanks: 5,700
Thanked 6,465 Times in 2,618 Posts
Default

Welcome. You've found a soft place to land filled with people who have been there, done that, and can relate without judgment. Everyone here is either here because we've had someone we care about in prison, or because they went to prison themselves. We get it.

And for those who watched our loved ones go through the system, we all understand where you are now. The initial stages of this journey are the absolute worst. At times, you will feel like you're losing your mind. You are not. Insanity is a perfectly sane response to an insane world. And it will get better.

As for your mother, since you have such a short period of time, I would break it to her now, while you're there to absorb the initial impact of her reaction, then prepare to have a lot of phone calls with her. The longer you wait, the more she will feel that you were hiding things from her, which is not going to make things better. Trust me, breaking the news will only get harder the longer you wait. I ended up getting a bluetooth headset because of the frequency of calls from my mom (who has dementia and really didn't process the information well at all, I think she was in shock for about a year).

You're going to have times when you swear you are losing your mind. Come here and vent your spleen. You will find nothing but support here. And we will repeatedly remind you to breathe. PTO saved my sanity. I had never met as many caring, respectful and genuinely helpful people as I have met on this forum.
Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to GingerM For This Useful Post:
fbopnomore (09-14-2018), Free At Last 5 (09-14-2018), Milky001 (09-22-2018), patchouli (09-22-2018)
  #7  
Old 09-22-2018, 11:29 AM
Milky001 Milky001 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Sep 2018
Location: New York
Posts: 3
Thanks: 6
Thanked 5 Times in 2 Posts
Default

i want to thank everyone who took the time to respond. i'm still processing a lot of thoughts. I'll come back here when my head is in a bit of a better spot. thank you -- it's unfortunate that all of you are in these tough situations too, but i'm comforted by knowing that there are others like me, others who understand. best wishes to you and your families.
Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Milky001 For This Useful Post:
fbopnomore (09-22-2018), patchouli (09-22-2018), Sarianna (09-22-2018), sidewalker (09-24-2018)
  #8  
Old 09-22-2018, 11:49 AM
patchouli's Avatar
patchouli patchouli is offline
PTO Administrator

PTOQ Editorial Team Member Staff Superstar Two Time Winner Staff Superstar Winner 

Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 39,254
Thanks: 39,680
Thanked 32,612 Times in 14,970 Posts
Default

Hi Milky001, Like others have stated, PTO has saved my sanity, more than once. Reading the forums and posting questions has kept me focused, kept me grounded, and kept me from pulling my hair out as I fell over the edge.

I hope you've spoken with your brother since last posting. And that your Mom has been informed of his charges. You may want to tell her about PTO too since you live so far away & you're not going to be able to be there with her.
__________________
prisontalkhelp@gmail.com

patchouli, PTO Admin



Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to patchouli For This Useful Post:
Milky001 (09-22-2018)
  #9  
Old 09-22-2018, 12:05 PM
Milky001 Milky001 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Sep 2018
Location: New York
Posts: 3
Thanks: 6
Thanked 5 Times in 2 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by patchouli View Post
Hi Milky001, Like others have stated, PTO has saved my sanity, more than once. Reading the forums and posting questions has kept me focused, kept me grounded, and kept me from pulling my hair out as I fell over the edge.

I hope you've spoken with your brother since last posting. And that your Mom has been informed of his charges. You may want to tell her about PTO too since you live so far away & you're not going to be able to be there with her.
thank you. she knew the charges from the time of the arrest but no details. she still doesn't know the details - maybe i'll regret not telling her but i think she doesn't want to know .. my brother, unprompted, told her he didn't do what he's charged with but didn't offer any details, and she didn't ask any questions. i'm also choosing not to ask him questions. all this denial has potential to backfire for us in the future, i know, dealing the best i can.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Milky001 For This Useful Post:
patchouli (09-22-2018)
  #10  
Old 09-22-2018, 12:20 PM
fbopnomore fbopnomore is offline
Site Moderator

PTO Site Moderator Staff Superstar Winner 

Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 27,118
Thanks: 41,523
Thanked 20,119 Times in 11,748 Posts
Default

Your brother should not discuss his case with anyone except his lawyer. Prosecutors love admissions, and even denials, which can result in the listener being subpoenaed to testify against him. Fellow inmates may try to help their own cases, even by lying, but he can't control that, only that he says nothing to anybody about his charges.
__________________
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to fbopnomore For This Useful Post:
GingerM (09-23-2018), patchouli (09-22-2018), Sarianna (09-23-2018)
  #11  
Old 09-23-2018, 05:33 AM
GingerM's Avatar
GingerM GingerM is offline
Super Moderator

PTO Super Moderator Staff Superstar Award 

Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 4,809
Thanks: 5,700
Thanked 6,465 Times in 2,618 Posts
Default

Thanks for the update, Milky.

In 2011, my father was arrested for child sex abuse. As charges go, that's as bad as it gets from the legal and prison standpoint. The only reason for your mom to know the charges that your brother is facing is in case it hits the news. No one wants to find out by hearing it on the news. My dad hit the news, and my mom had to deal with a week (thankfully only one week) of reporters camped outside her house.

I don't say this to scare you, I only say it so that you have information. Most of the replies here are not said to scare you, only to educate. Many people think that jail and prison are like they show on TV. It is not at all like the TV shows. The legal system is not like the TV shows, county jail is not like the TV shows, and prison is not like the TV shows.

We've all been through the wringer, some of us more than once. There is a system and the system rarely works the way you think it will. If you have any questions, please ask. It's far better to know what to expect in advance than to find out as you're going (and after you've made mistakes).

Know that you have our support. You're most likely feeling overwhelmed and like the bottom has fallen out of your world. That's normal and an emotionally healthy response. Just remember to breathe. And ask questions here. The more prepared you can be, the less stressful it will be on everyone.
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to GingerM For This Useful Post:
patchouli (09-23-2018), Sarianna (09-23-2018)
  #12  
Old 09-23-2018, 12:35 PM
yourself yourself is offline
attorney
 

Join Date: May 2010
Location: around
Posts: 11,834
Thanks: 4,228
Thanked 21,362 Times in 7,487 Posts
Default

Hi Milk. Glad you’re here, sorry you’re here. The first time my brother was arrested on something major, I remember the feeling. I remember having to pull over in the car a few days later as I shook uncontrollably.

How are you supposed to feel? Dunno. Depends on you - whatever you feel is not wrong. Experience the feelings, and let them go. Don’t act on them. Journaling will help with that, if you can get into the habit, especially when the feelings are intense.

Pessimism is pessimism, but it isn’t a far step from realism. Realism is something that allows you to see the situation for how it is and make rational plans for how to deal with it. This can mean anything from boxing up your brother's possessions to selling his car wince he has given you a POA to do so. This means figuring out the visitation schedule, filling out any forms for visitation, placing money on his books, and deciding whether or not you want to be involved that way. No worries if you never want to see your brother in prison - I didn’t when he did a dime. We did write, but I didn’t make that journey to see him.

Part of what you need to do with your mother is figure out which of her friends and immediate support circle is going to stand with her. Lots will suddenly decide they don’t know her. A precious few will stand with her without expectations. Figure out who will go with her to court hearings because she will want to go, but shouldn’t go alone.

Counseling is also a good idea. Shame is a big part of having a son or brother who commits a crime, especially a crime involving a long prison term. Dealing with that shame and those regrets is difficult. Professional help can be a good thing, if you find a good therapist.
Reply With Quote
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to yourself For This Useful Post:
fbopnomore (09-23-2018), GingerM (09-24-2018), patchouli (09-23-2018), Sarianna (09-23-2018), sidewalker (09-24-2018)
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
My Brother Got Arrested 062808 Juvenile 5 09-16-2012 08:49 PM
Brother has been arrested for pot- I need to know what to do KCakes Connecticut Prison & Jail Visitation, Phones, Packages & Mail 4 03-23-2011 01:41 PM
My MWI's brother got arrested... ZoeGirl Met While Incarcerated 4 08-13-2008 05:49 PM
My brother got arrested!! Blue Dice PTO Lounge 7 10-21-2006 12:28 AM
Brother arrested - what happens next? jimbo's EX LADY Texas General Prison Talk 25 03-01-2005 01:11 PM


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 07:07 AM.
Copyright © 2001- 2017 Prison Talk Online
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Website Design & Custom vBulletin Skins by: Relivo Media
Message Board Statistics