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Florida General Prison Talk, Introductions & Chit Chat Topics & Discussions relating to Prison & the Criminal Justice System in Florida that do not fit into any other Florida subforum category. Please feel free to also introduce yourself to other members in the state and talk about whatever topics come to mind that may not have anything to do with prison.

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  #1  
Old 05-30-2008, 08:12 PM
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Default Words of advice needed.

Hello everyone. In the few days I have been reading prison talk I have come to look at it as a blessing. I needed something like this to help me through this time. Me and my boo have been together for 12 years. We met while he was in prison and the first 3 years of our relationship where spent with him in prison. We have a really good relationship and it was well worth the wait. About 4 years ago he got another case and he has been on probation but he recently went back in on vop. He has to serve 15 months. When I read everyone's postings it seems like everyone is so supportive and understanding and loving of their loved ones in jail. Most of the time I feel that way also. I can't wait for him to come home. But there are days that I feel angry and hurt that he violated. I feel like he abandoned us. I hate feeling this way especially since I know he feels so guilty for being there and leaving me to take care of everything myself. I try not to let him know when I am feeling this way because I don't want to make him feel worse than he already does. It's hard to hide it from him because he knows me better than anyone else. Does any one else ever feel this way? and if so how do you deal with it. I love him and I know I am not going to leave him. I just need to know how to deal with the negative feelings so I don't take it out on him. He already has enough to deal with.
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Old 05-30-2008, 08:52 PM
goofer goofer is offline
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welcome to PTO. your feelings are completely normal & theres no easy way to deal with them. one thing you have going for you, is that you've done this before with him for a lot longer time frame so hopefully things will work out again for you both. I'm feeling the same way towards my guy as he's in jail once again for a vop. I did go off on him the other nite when he was freakin out that I wasn't home & told him he was man enough to put himself back in there so be a man now & just deal with it. Then of course I felt guilty & wished I could take everything I said back. maybe someone else out there could give us both some advice on how to deal with it as I'm still not to that point of not getting angry & feeling abandoned myself.
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  #3  
Old 05-30-2008, 08:54 PM
ldinges ldinges is offline
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Believe me we all feel this way. In my case, we weren't married, nor were we together when he went in. We had known each other thru other people and I contacted him in jail and started visiting him. Got to know more about him thru these other people and he is a wonderful man. I'm the only one that has ever stood beside him, everyone else, including his dad and stepmom just kept using him. He has a big heart and that is what got him back in there. Living in the wrong place with someone that pulled a knife on him instead of being man enough to ask him to leave when he got done remodeling the man's house for him. I can't hide much of my frustration from him either and when I tell him about it, we just say, when he gets home he will just get to take on the things that are frustating me and I'll take care of something else, or at least fix what isn't working and then I'll finish doing what I was doing.

In our case, I don't hide it much, but as I said, it is different than having been together before he went in. He does however, feel guilty about not being out here to help me as he knows all we go thru out here too. He just does his best to explain to me how to do something in a better way than the way I know.

All we can do out here, is keep moving forward one day at a time. Know that this too will pass. Pray God he help look after us when they get home and that they have learned their lesson. We have gotten thru 3 years and have about 16 more months of incarceration, if DOC doesn't give any relief. As I look back, it's hard to believe it's been that long. The first year he was over in Gulf near Panama City and I met a woman that traveled with me most of the time. It's hard to believe that for a year I went over there every other weekend and from Jan to April stayed in a motel across from the Gulf of Mexico and then camped in a tent for the rest of the time until the first of Dec. He was luckily transferred to near Jax close to where I live. The time hasn't seemed that long when you look back.

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and know God will help.

Last edited by ldinges; 05-30-2008 at 09:21 PM..
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Old 05-30-2008, 10:57 PM
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FAITHHOPELOVE FAITHHOPELOVE is offline
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Welcome to the PTO. I am glad that you found us!!!
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Old 05-31-2008, 12:15 PM
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Good Morning and welcome to PTO 1210.

Marty is a lifer, 22 years this month and he turned 44 also. I have gave my life to him for 18. I was gone for several years, but I couldn't stay gone.

This is different in that, I have no date to look forward to...I wish I had fighting with the parole board to look forward to even with all the nervous breakdowns and trouble it can cause.

However, his visits have been suspended...and, that's pretty close to a jail sentence or VOP. As close as a lifer will get, anyway.

And, I could sit here and tell you I wish my honey only had a couple years to do...but, see...I know a week is too long when you love them and when you need them. I live it every day.

But, when he goes to jail (the hole) or when he messes up and gets his visits suspended, I go through missing him and all the same negative feelings a short timer does...

I tell him about it. I don't rant and rave forever...but, sometimes it bothers me at different times like now...

It's been since December that I saw him last. It takes a toll and I talk to him about it.

Marty isn't just my honey or old man or bad boy or anything like that, he's my diary, he's my best friend. When the world is falling apart, just the sound of his voice will soothe me. Yes, even when it's falling apart because of something he done...like now.

But, when I'm not on the phone with him, I have hard feelings and I write them down and mail it to him. Sometimes I don't send the letter. Sometimes it's so harsh I feel better just getting my feelings out. I save them on the hard drive though and kid him about letting him read them someday...But, most of the time...I do send them. I will usually give him the heads up (if he can talk on the phone and isn't in jail), and he has learned to fish through the ranting and screaming. And, he just has this way of melting me right down...sometimes he'll take the blame, sometimes it's not ALL his fault, but he's always there no matter what the deal is...

But, that doesn't stop me from having the hard feelings towards him. Because it's normal to be messed up when the other half of your heart is causing you pain. That's probably the only normal thing about this life, and Marty understands this. Probably because I've taught him through my actions everything there is to know about this female...his understanding ways has also took the fire out of alot of my hard feelings. Back in the day, I would have been ready to leave or scratch his eyes out...now, I just miss him. When he gets tired of hurting me, he'll stop. When the forethought of my sadness gets to be too much, he'll think about the consequences before he acts...I know he loves me...but, since he was a young boy he never knew what consequences were or forethought for that matter. And, when you throw addiction in on top of all that, it can be real hard to deal with the best of times, not just the hard times.

For so many years I enabled him to continue just as he was...now, I try to sit and let him learn on his own about consequences and what the good thing is about forethought. He's more mature and understands the things I say to an extent, but sometimes I wonder if I'll ever make it.

I'm not saying our deal has anything to do with your deal...I'm just trying to relate and sometimes I get long winded. :shake:
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  #6  
Old 05-31-2008, 03:33 PM
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Now i know I'm not alone in wht I am feeling, and you should know that you are never alone in this either, chri1210. What you go through with negative feelings is definitely normal. I usually think of sean in the most positive light, ever since i met him, because thats who he showed himself to be to me. but then, i think about how its not fair for him to be where he is, and i realize that just being his friend is overweighing that, and the idea that somewhere in this mess, we met, and its amazing what love will do. we both believe love will conquer all. I broke up with him, he says i didnt, recently, and right after that he went to the hole. I was angry, spit-firing angry, even in my desire to be mild and understanding. because i had told myself a few months back that if he ever went back to the hole (he was there when we met, and so we had to wait almost 2 years for him to have visits back) while we were together, that I would not talk to him during that time, because he didn't set us as a priority and make sure that he didn't do anything to compromise our communication. So just thinking that we were that close to being together when he went back to the hole, and i let him have it. He says i was talking out of the side of my neck, and partly that he must have done it acting out because i was pushing him away. I told him I didnt care, i meant what I said, and even though I still love him with my all, I was disappointed. The thing about open communciation is we can express ourselves honestly, and it might not always be positive, but each one can understnad and respond to the hurt of the other, and still have love and move on. Its ok for us to feel like they let us down, becuase they feel it too. But its about not lettign those feelings overwhelm us, or our talking to them. I used to tell Sean that I never wanted to bring up what i thought woudl break us up while we were on the phone, because that is just a small amount of time, and its best to keep it positive. He deserves that. But we cant go on like that all the time. letters we can express ourselves fully, and if its all with the purpose of making the relaitonship stronger, then it can be accepted constructively.
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Old 08-26-2008, 12:21 AM
prlmurry prlmurry is offline
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I am glad I found this post,I too have negative feelings a lot.Most of my thoughts come from this being his third time locked up!Always the battle with drugs ,my story may be a little different . We have loved each other since I was 14 I am now 34.we have 3 children 16 9 and 3 . he has been gone this time 3 years.God has put it in my heart to be there for him .I didn't talk to him at all for the first year and a half.He gets out in 6 months ,and I am always wondering has he really changed this time? He put me in financial debt last time and Im still paying my way out. And I am still angry .Even though I have forgiven him ,am I crazy to still love this person? How will I know If he has really changed?He seems different but everyone does until they get into the real world.I'm really scared and having second thoughts about letting this person back into my life.Does anyone out there feel the same way?
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Old 08-26-2008, 12:28 AM
prlmurry prlmurry is offline
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I too feel negative and angry a lot!It's hard to deal with hes got 6 more months and I am really scared of letting him back in not knowing how I can just pick up where we left off,its really hard for me to do that.How will I know if he has really changed?
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Old 08-27-2008, 10:38 AM
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I'm dealing with this too. My husband did a lot of bad things to me in our relationship. And I feel that he has changed himself for the better. But the real crappy part Ladies, is that we won't know til they come home and SHOW us.
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Old 08-30-2008, 07:05 PM
Don Quixote Don Quixote is offline
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You've heard of the phrase, trust and verify? It is not only normal to be angry and hurt that a loved one cares so little about being with you as violate the law, but also healthy for that loved one to understand that there is a price to be paid for such selfish behaviors.

And one of those prices should be that you are very careful to keep your financial lives completely separate and even your personal lives, until he has lived successfully on the outside for longer than the period he did before. If he knows you aren't going to put up with shenanigans, then if he cares about you, he will have more strength to overcome.

Love is a verb, not a noun. And there are many people who love someone that they cannot be with because doing so would be self destructive.

My advice is to figure out what you can give and still be completely okay yourself. Then maintain those boundaries. If the inmate really loves you and is sorry for the behavior that has lead him to where he is, he will not only understand, he will respect those boundaries and he will want you to be financially and personally safe.

If the inmate cops an attitude about that, it means that you and your happiness matter less to the inmate than his present needs. And that is not a successful recipe for relationships.
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Old 08-30-2008, 08:58 PM
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I must say I have my moments too when I'm ready to bout kill his behind for getting in trouble... I love em to death but sometimes it seems he doesn't think about how his actions will affect the people who care about him and how he's taking 3 steps back instead of moving foward! I try not to keep how I'm feeling from him though because sometimes...in my opinion...he needs to feel bad bout the crazy ish he does that gets him in trouble because maybe that will make him get some "act right" lol... for real!!! Glad to see that a lot of us share these feelings though!!
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