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Friends & Families of Addicts Information for coping, dealing & living with a loved one's addictive behavior.

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  #1  
Old 01-19-2015, 10:11 PM
msandre88 msandre88 is offline
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Default It's over...and the story is like a movie...im so hurt...

Well I know I know...I need help counseling...I KNOW I SHOULDve gotten it along time ago...maybe just maybe I would have walked away...well I did speak to a counselor a few times , didn't help....
Here is the story....as you guys can read from my past posts..he is an addict...I tried and tried to help...lets fast forward...October he beat me up....got arrested went to jail...was suppose to get sentenced for his violation of probation(dirty urine which has been in violation status since last feb) just dragging on for no reason...well he got bailed out ...he convinced me to get back with him....despite his protective order I paid for him to live a motel for months....but he was still insane non stop..i felt like I was just holding my breathe till he went to jail...but continuous after continuous...abuse after abuse...I finally tried to put an end to end to it....he was now mentally and physically abusing me...he would be normal one day crzy the next.....I would sleep on friends couches bc when he was bad he would accuse me and hit me....so I would gt away from him....but I threw him out he lived in his car...was insane on drugs....his family didn't help....he met another women....he gave me an ultimatum new years eve....still not sober...he said if I wasn't gonna be with him he would be with someone else....I wasn't with him .....he scared me....well new years day he came to my job and came back when we closed and convinced me to go speak to him I rented a room bc I felt safer there...he started immediately accusing me of insane cheating...having sex with a gay friend....he then scared me again...I RAN OUT THE ROOM INTO A STRANGERS ROOM...waited for him to leave nevr to see him again...he called me again the next day I did not answer....but I thought giving him tuff love was the answer...and I was just waiting for him to go to jail...
well he was shot two days later....his family called me immediately...I was a mess...I didn't want to watch him die in a fight with me...the mental abuse was insane..i went everyday to see him....he was shot 7 times...and a girl drug addict was shot to....the girl told the police who it was my ex wouldn't.....but he woke up FROM ICU COMA AFTER 3 DAYS...his family called me bc all he wanted was me..he got on the phone with me...he said he loved me and please come...I left work and went and I thought I would put it all aside and help him again...I was there 10 minutes tubes were taken out he was happy to see me...kissed me...keep in mind we were done....but I was gonna just ignore the abuse and thought the 7 shot were the rock bottom...TEN MINUTES LATER....HE looks at me points at me and tells me to get the F OUT.....I ran out crying...said to his cousin crazy things...I was devasted....well he said that the guy shot him when he was buying drugs and wouoldnt sell him drugs saying he was a snitch and his white girl friend was a snitch...lol insane..i never lived his lifestyle...his whole family is blaming me....I talked with the detectives bc the new girl transported him to the hospital in the truck regusterd under me...and there was a gun found in it....well the gun was really the gun that shot him....so now he is not talking to me has his family thinking im a snitch....lol....and the detective said never one time did he mention my name....I am hurt drained and scared....If he is crazy enough to blame it on me what will he do to me/? he checked himself out the hospital two days after being out of ICU.....he barely can walk has a collapsed lung...this is insane...and now I am a mess.....
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Old 01-19-2015, 10:36 PM
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Honey, you are right - you need counseling, and you need it for more than a few sessions. You need a steady year, every week, talking to a therapist and doing the work s/he gives you.

He's insane, and you cannot make him sane. He has to want to be sane for himself, and all the love you pour into him, all the money that you poured out on him, all the energy - that's a waste. Let go! You can build so much better a life without him.

And as you go through your therapy you will begin to understand the holes in you that you think he filled. And you'll begin to understand your addiction to him. Because it IS an addiction, and you expect/want him to quit his, but you won't quit your own. Well, If you won't, what can you expect from him?

Right now, both of you are drowning. You can't save him, but you can save yourself. Back when I was a lifeguard, that was one of the first things they taught us - keep yourself safe or you can't save anyone else. The rule was row-throw-go. Row out first and offer an oar, throw a floatation device second, and the last, very last option if they can't grab the oar or the device, is to go into the water yourself.

You need to learn how to do that, to not go in the water with him ever again. YOU need a life preserver, and you'll get one if you go to counseling and keep going!
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  #3  
Old 01-19-2015, 10:42 PM
msandre88 msandre88 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nimuay View Post
Honey, you are right - you need counseling, and you need it for more than a few sessions. You need a steady year, every week, talking to a therapist and doing the work s/he gives you.

He's insane, and you cannot make him sane. He has to want to be sane for himself, and all the love you pour into him, all the money that you poured out on him, all the energy - that's a waste. Let go! You can build so much better a life without him.

And as you go through your therapy you will begin to understand the holes in you that you think he filled. And you'll begin to understand your addiction to him. Because it IS an addiction, and you expect/want him to quit his, but you won't quit your own. Well, If you won't, what can you expect from him?

Right now, both of you are drowning. You can't save him, but you can save yourself. Back when I was a lifeguard, that was one of the first things they taught us - keep yourself safe or you can't save anyone else. The rule was row-throw-go. Row out first and offer an oar, throw a floatation device second, and the last, very last option if they can't grab the oar or the device, is to go into the water yourself.

You need to learn how to do that, to not go in the water with him ever again. YOU need a life preserver, and you'll get one if you go to counseling and keep going!
I am going to get help...bc I cant even help myself...I tried so hard ...then he got shot and almost killed and he is still making dumb decisions this time he is just with another women...which kills me...and is blaming the shooting on me...I work all the time....I graduated from college..im older....I just am so destroyed by this relationship...and now this leaving me for someone else...aft4er I tried so hard..and almost getting killed and blaming it on me....so much abuse I don't know how I still love him....but I guess it is good he hate me....I am a mess...and he probably was my addiction....so hurt
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Old 01-20-2015, 12:15 AM
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Lady, get into counseling. Like Nim said, a year of at least once a week, and doing everything asked, and you'll be feeling a ton better. If the counselor isn't a good fit for you, find another one. You deserve peace. You deserve to spend money on yourself, reaping the rewards of your hard work. You deserve to find somebody who's actually worthy of you. Once you know why this whole relationship was so important to you, why you were so vested in it, you'll be able to get beyond it and find somebody who actually deserves you instead of somebody who abuses you.

I feel so bad for you. He is such scum. You so deserve to get your life on track, making it your own. You graduated from college, work hard - you don't need to share your life with somebody who doesn't appreciate that, who only takes advantage of you.

Therapy won't be easy, but it is worth it because you are worth it. The rest of your life is worth it. You can do so much better, be so much better - just do the work.
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Old 01-28-2015, 05:39 PM
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The two posters above me have given you excellent advice. I can't imagine the horror that has been your life with this man, and now to have this type of incident happen??? I'm still trembling after reading what you wrote. My inmate (ex-husband) is an addict who took me through all types of chaos but never anything like this. I still love him, but I love him from a distance. I refused to let him take me down with him.

Please, please get the counseling recommended and move forward in your life towards peace. Life is just too short for all of this. There's something better out there for you, but you have to let go of the old before the new can manifest.

Sending a *hug* and positive thoughts your way ...
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Old 01-29-2015, 12:50 PM
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Besides getting yourself some counseling, if I am reading rightm, I would also talk to an attorney because of the accusations and things like the gun being in your car. Just to be on the safe side. And please, be just that: SAFE. *hug*
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Old 01-29-2015, 01:03 PM
xolady xolady is online now
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Try to get domestic violence assistance. Get a restraining order. Get all the help you can your lucky you weren't with him.
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