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Loving a Violent Offender Discuss the issues of having a violent offender as part of your life. Please keep in mind that some of us are married to violent offenders. Please remember that these offenders are human, and as such, can change... just like anyone else.

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  #1  
Old 05-02-2018, 06:26 AM
MollyCool MollyCool is offline
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Default New relationship, DV charges, should I stay?

Hi there I hope you don't mind me posting I just don't know what to do.

My boyfriend got sentenced to 6 years on Monday for a violent domestic felony. He was unmedicated bipolar taking steroids and black out drunk and strangled his fiancé. I'm not making excuses for him by any means but feel that he was sick st the time and that he is not the monster everyone is making him out to be.

I told him before that I would wait for him however I'm not sure anymore. I have a three year old daughter who has never met him and I'm worried about putting our safety at risk still being with him when he gets out.

We have only been together three months and I know I'm insane for even thinking about waiting for him. But I do love him. I think I'm just in shock as I was in denial about him going away.

I really don't know what to do right now. It would be so easy to walk away but I don't want to give up on us. My daughters safety comes first though and I'm hesitant on bringing him around her once he is released in fear something like this would happen again.

Thoughts/advice?

Thanks for listening.
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  #2  
Old 05-02-2018, 07:52 AM
WARWICKSHIRE WARWICKSHIRE is offline
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As you have only known him a few months perhaps you should not continue your relationship.
I survived a domestic violence situation and would always say you should stay away. Your daughter cannot make that decision for herself, shes relying on you to make that choice for her.
It must be hard being unmedicated for a mental health issue, however he self medicated and chose to drink and do steroids - please dont let that excuse his actions.
Be his friend, support him and be kind to him, but remember his victim is the one that suffered.
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Old 05-02-2018, 09:31 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WARWICKSHIRE View Post
As you have only known him a few months perhaps you should not continue your relationship.
I survived a domestic violence situation and would always say you should stay away. Your daughter cannot make that decision for herself, shes relying on you to make that choice for her.
It must be hard being unmedicated for a mental health issue, however he self medicated and chose to drink and do steroids - please dont let that excuse his actions.
Be his friend, support him and be kind to him, but remember his victim is the one that suffered.


Thank you I really needed to hear that. It's been in the back of my head that I should not jeopardize mine or my daughters safety.
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Old 05-02-2018, 11:38 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WARWICKSHIRE View Post
As you have only known him a few months perhaps you should not continue your relationship.
I survived a domestic violence situation and would always say you should stay away. Your daughter cannot make that decision for herself, shes relying on you to make that choice for her.
It must be hard being unmedicated for a mental health issue, however he self medicated and chose to drink and do steroids - please dont let that excuse his actions.
Be his friend, support him and be kind to him, but remember his victim is the one that suffered.
Could not have said it better.
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Old 05-02-2018, 12:10 PM
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Well said, Warwickshire!

Domestic abusers are usually also addicts; that's practically a given. But (and it's a gigantic 'but') if they get sober some way somehow, they are still abusive. So it's a battle you're really not going to win either way. And his unresolved instability and threatening history mean that you will be a sitting duck, as will your daughter.

His mental train is not on track, and you will get run over sooner or later if you stay. That is not a choice you should make for yourself, and especially not for your daughter!
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Old 05-02-2018, 12:18 PM
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Just think how do you know he is not the monster everyone says he is? Because he has told you he isnt and made out he is some kind of victim? That is typical abuser behaviour its not his fault he can blame it on drink drugs and the victim but never him.

No one forced him to drink alcohol and take drugs. I am sure his victim once thought he was a great guy too. He probably told her once upon a time that he wasnt the monster everyone thought he was . I am sure you can imagine after being strangled what she would say now.

I am so glad that after just 3 months you havent introduced your daughter to him.You have a duty to protect that little girl.

Do not be his next victim do not let your little girl see you be his next victim and remember abusers can abuse from inside prison.

As others have said be a friend if you want to but there are too many ifs and buts here after just 3 months to risk your safety and your babies safety on.
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Old 05-02-2018, 12:40 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WARWICKSHIRE View Post
Your daughter cannot make that decision for herself, shes relying on you to make that choice for her.
I responded to your thread yesterday saying just let the initial shock fade, and make your decision in your own time....however you didn't mention the DV in that thread.... When there is violence involved, and a child/children... I would definitely move on myself. Warwick's above comment is dead on - you being a mother I would think there's no other alternative than to walk away. I am sorry you had to go through this.
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Old 05-02-2018, 02:59 PM
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Thanks everyone I really needed to hear this. As tough as it's going to be to tell him my daughter and her safety come first. Thanks again.
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Old 05-02-2018, 03:08 PM
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As others have already noted, this did not happen in a vacuum. When a domestic abuser gets pen time, you can generally bet that it was either NOT the first time or there was very serious injury caused. The unfortunate reality is that the courts in the United States are notoriously weak on these offenses until there is a pattern of conviction.
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Old 05-02-2018, 06:54 PM
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I'm sorry you are in this situation but have to agree with the other posters that your safety & the safety of your child must come first. Other than praying for this man I would suggest steering clear unless time & actions prove he has turned his life around. All the best to you.
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Old 05-02-2018, 06:57 PM
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Putting aside the DV charges I’d never recommend someone that just began a relationship to wait for a man or woman for six years. Too many things can happen in that time and you don’t know him well enough to even know if he’s worth waiting for.
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Old 05-03-2018, 07:28 AM
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Thanks everyone I really appreciate all of your input. It's not worth my daughters or my safety. Have to put us first. Feel like an idiot for having thoughts about actually waiting.
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Old 05-03-2018, 10:41 AM
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Thanks everyone I really appreciate all of your input. It's not worth my daughters or my safety. Have to put us first. Feel like an idiot for having thoughts about actually waiting.
You're not an idiot, sweetheart. I imagine that having been in a relationship for only three months you were still experiencing the honeymoon period...at that point there's a strong infatuation, which we often confuse as love... and now, probably a sense of "what could have been" which, unfortunately, is not based on reality. You really did not get to know the real him at all yet.

I hope this doesn't sound harsh but...I would actually count myself lucky - you found out all this pretty early, and even though you might not feel like that right now, this probably was a blessing in disguise. If you keep having persistent thoughts of staying in touch with him and waiting...just let some time pass - it will get easier, I promise you. Keep walking.
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Old 05-03-2018, 11:25 AM
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You will find someone special who will love you protect you and never put his hands on you in anger. You need to let this person go to make room for your special person to arrive look at it that way.
Good luck to you and your daughter.
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Old 05-03-2018, 11:29 AM
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Thank you everyone!
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Old 06-28-2019, 06:17 PM
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Only you can make that decision.

Last edited by Litlmamarose; 06-28-2019 at 06:20 PM.. Reason: Over shared
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