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  #1  
Old 12-26-2019, 01:31 AM
Spencer1994 Spencer1994 is offline
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Default I took her off JPay & ghosted. Now I want to write her again, but should I?

Everyone about a year and a half ago I decided to write an inmate. First time I ever did this. To my surprise she was incredibly cool and soon we were talking on JPay daily, had a few phone calls, she was asking me to visit, she even sent me pictures of her on the inside. I would send her some money here and there. Nothing over the top.

Now I started having a lot of personal troubles in my life and I didn't want to have a bad additude with her or burden her with my nothing problems, well they were nothing compared to hers anyway. So here is where I screwed up. I just ghosted, took her off JPay and ghosted. I needed some time. Should have told her that but I didn't. She hasn't called or written me. She also hasn't given my address away which I hear is what they do when they figure you're done talking.

Well I want to write her back. But I don't know if I should. I feel like it was pretty disrespectful to ghost like that and I'm not sure how she would react.

So especially if anyone has ever been in what would you do in this situation?
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Old 12-26-2019, 01:32 AM
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Well I meant to ask if you have been inside would you accept someone back if they ghosted you for 8 months ?
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Old 12-26-2019, 02:14 AM
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Do you want to write back, because you have enough availability again to correspond with her or because you do regret ghosting her ?

Even if she might not want to correspond with you again, it would be important to send her at least an explaination for your long silence. She deserves it. To be ghosted is so awful ! She has probably wondered if she said anything wrong, if anything serious happened to you, if you were still alive, well... why did you stop talking to her whereas you shared some good moments. To be ghosted stirs a feeling of abandonement up. So, even if she feels too hurt to trust you again, it could be a relief for her to get some answers. One cannot move one properly when being ghosted. Ever.

So, it's a proof of respect (and humibily) that you may offer (everyone overcomes trials in life, we do just as we can, no one can judge and she'll understand). Whatever her reply may be, I'm sure you will feel better toward her (for giving her and answers she needed) and toward yourself for taking your responsabilities with your penpal. If this idea comes from the bottom of your heart don't let fear hinder you from writing her.

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Old 12-26-2019, 02:35 AM
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You can try and see how she reacts but maybe you should be a bit apologetic and also explain why you did what you did. Just be honest with her! Nothing else helps...
Are you sure you can stick it out this time? Maybe check your expectations towards this pen-pal-ship.
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Old 12-26-2019, 04:54 AM
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Originally Posted by Spencer1994 View Post
Everyone about a year and a half ago I decided to write an inmate. First time I ever did this. To my surprise she was incredibly cool and soon we were talking on JPay daily, had a few phone calls, she was asking me to visit, she even sent me pictures of her on the inside. I would send her some money here and there. Nothing over the top.

Now I started having a lot of personal troubles in my life and I didn't want to have a bad additude with her or burden her with my nothing problems, well they were nothing compared to hers anyway. So here is where I screwed up. I just ghosted, took her off JPay and ghosted. I needed some time. Should have told her that but I didn't. She hasn't called or written me. She also hasn't given my address away which I hear is what they do when they figure you're done talking.

Well I want to write her back. But I don't know if I should. I feel like it was pretty disrespectful to ghost like that and I'm not sure how she would react.

So especially if anyone has ever been in what would you do in this situation?
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I don't know how old you are but what you've done to that poor woman was very disrespectful and very immature on your behalf.
Now before you even think of contacting her make sure that this is what you truly want because if you try to hurt her a second time then there's no way that she'd be able to forgive you.

And like MizzyMuffling said, be honest and truthful with her, and tell her the real reason as to why you ghosted her. If i were you i'd write to her and explain why i ghosted her and at the end of the letter i'd apologise and say something along the lines of If you wish to give us another try please write back and if i don't hear from you then i'll understand that you no longer wish to have anything further to do with me. or something like that. Good luck with it all.
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Old 12-26-2019, 05:22 AM
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I would at least send an apology letter..
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Old 12-26-2019, 06:15 AM
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Stay in your lane. Write her and let her know you've been stressed out, but don''t assume responsibility for her feelings or the need to lay blame on yourself. She's doing the time and your living life on life's terms on this side of the fence. Don't be so hard on yourself.
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Old 12-26-2019, 06:39 AM
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I don’t know, the fact that she hasn’t tried to call or write you probably indicates her level of attachment to you. If you were sending her money she’ll surely pick up where you left off without much drama.
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Old 12-26-2019, 01:06 PM
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I would write and explain and apologize. Maybe wish her well too and if she responds then continue and if she doesn't then at least you apologized.
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Old 12-27-2019, 10:57 AM
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Hey, I've been in the same situation as you and I still feel a bit ashame about it. I had some problems in my life at one point and I felt bad for not be able to keep up with my penpals emails. Instead of just telling him my situation, I deleted him from my Jpay list, I was not thinking straight and everything was just chaos at that point, I felt like he was better off without me. Anyway, I added him again on Jpay and wrote the truth, to my surprise he was very understanding. Yes, I was afraid he might be upset or angry but he wasn't, at all. We all have our personal problems and yes, I do know it's best to just be honest but sometimes you act unrational. I'm sure she'll understand if you explain the sutiation, and if she don't, well you at least tried to make it right.
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Old 01-12-2020, 08:07 AM
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I wouldn’t be mad if someone I wrote with ghosted me due to personal troubles or depression and then showed up later apologizing. It’s the way it works, our brain tricks us into thinking we will burden others. She might not reply, thinking you might keep doing it again, but if you go forward in friendship I would give her a heads up you just need a little time to step away from PP’ing due to personal stuff going on.
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Old 01-12-2020, 12:01 PM
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Just so I’m clear: ghosting is ignoring someone? Never speaking to them? Pretending they didn’t exist, and that the relationship was not real enough so that you could feel free enough to explain you life issues? That you so undervalued that friendship that you blew it off in a time of stress?
But there may be a door open because she didn’t give away your address as you believe other incarcerated persons do when they think the relationship is over?
Maybe she has dignity and has moved on.
Like any relationship in life, you won’t know until you get real.
Just remember how confused it would be if she did this to you, and wouldn’t you question motive.
So be prepared, humans are complicated and full of feelings.
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Old 01-16-2020, 01:52 AM
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Yeah that's one way of looking at it I guess. When I started writing her I didn't expect it would turn into what it did. Don't get me wrong it's a good thing that it did. But I never expected to be emailing daily sometimes twice, phone calls, etc, etc. I'm not doubting that I should have told her and I was planning to. But a day turned into a week turned into a month and I just kind of fell off into my actual life. She's not in on a minor charge she's doing a lot of years and I'm sure she knew from the start I wouldn't likely still be pen paling her 30 years down the road. I was hoping there would be some ex cons perspectives here because I have always heard ex cons say if you have a long sentence people are gonna fall off, come back, fall off again, etc. That's even true of brothers, sisters, mom's, dad's, everyone. Just how it is. Me -- I have never even visited her yet, never met her once in my life. Yes I should have written the uncomfortable email or had the uncomfortable phone call and told her, I'm not sure she would feel any different though. I think I'm gonna write her this weekend and see what happens but can I promise her I will still be there in 35 years in which she will still be in prison - no way I can guarantee anything. Have you guys penpals an inmate you didn't previously know for 1and 1/2 years before ? I think most fell off before that but won't admit it.
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Old 01-16-2020, 01:59 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MizzyMuffling View Post
You can try and see how she reacts but maybe you should be a bit apologetic and also explain why you did what you did. Just be honest with her! Nothing else helps...
Are you sure you can stick it out this time? Maybe check your expectations towards this pen-pal-ship.
No I will not stick it out. Maybe that makes sense if someone has 2 or 3 years but even then if they find a penpals chances are it's only temporary. I'm here now, I want to talk to her, be there for her, help her out a little now. If I guaranteed her I will be doing the same in 10-15-20 years I would just be BSing her. Most marriages don't last that long. I'm her pen pal.
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Old 01-16-2020, 02:06 AM
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Stay in your lane. Write her and let her know you've been stressed out, but don''t assume responsibility for her feelings or the need to lay blame on yourself. She's doing the time and your living life on life's terms on this side of the fence. Don't be so hard on yourself.
Thank you and I think this is the most fair response. I don't question that I could have and should have handled it differently but I'm sure she isn't suffering tramua over me - a guy she's never even met. Especially when her supposed best friend and some family members just ghosted her from day 1 and by that I mean she never heard from them after being locked up. I'm sure that broke her heart more.
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Old 01-16-2020, 02:13 AM
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Hey, I've been in the same situation as you and I still feel a bit ashame about it. I had some problems in my life at one point and I felt bad for not be able to keep up with my penpals emails. Instead of just telling him my situation, I deleted him from my Jpay list, I was not thinking straight and everything was just chaos at that point, I felt like he was better off without me. Anyway, I added him again on Jpay and wrote the truth, to my surprise he was very understanding. Yes, I was afraid he might be upset or angry but he wasn't, at all. We all have our personal problems and yes, I do know it's best to just be honest but sometimes you act unrational. I'm sure she'll understand if you explain the sutiation, and if she don't, well you at least tried to make it right.
Thank you. That makes me feel better about my chances. I'm gonna write her once I have time to write out a good letter so probably Friday. I will write a good letter and apologize and ask if she wants to try it again, but I don't make crazy promises. I won't promise her that I will be writing her in 2056. I think when inmates do find a pen pal they realize it's almost definitely not going to last forever. I think those of us who have never been locked up have a different, flawed perspective on that. We
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Old 01-16-2020, 02:19 AM
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I donít know, the fact that she hasnít tried to call or write you probably indicates her level of attachment to you. If you were sending her money sheíll surely pick up where you left off without much drama.
Yeah I was a little surprised no letter or call and she has my number and address too. Maybe she though me taking her off JPay meant I didn't want to hear from her again or maybe like you said, it wasn't that big of a deal to her either way. When I write her I will make no mention of money, don't want to seem like I'm paying her to forgive me.
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Old 01-16-2020, 08:37 AM
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Yeah I was a little surprised no letter or call and she has my number and address too. Maybe she though me taking her off JPay meant I didn't want to hear from her again or maybe like you said, it wasn't that big of a deal to her either way. When I write her I will make no mention of money, don't want to seem like I'm paying her to forgive me.
I sure wouldn't call your a*ss after removing me and ghosting me... I'd be wondering what the hell I did / were I went wrong or assume that I wasn't worth being honest to, I'd flex on your flex & not write or call. I'm glad to hear you're open to apologize, she does deserve it.

Hey, I've been there, on both sides of this spectrum...regardless of the side, honesty and apologies go a long appreciated way


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Old 01-16-2020, 12:41 PM
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Yeah that's one way of looking at it I guess. When I started writing her I didn't expect it would turn into what it did. Don't get me wrong it's a good thing that it did. But I never expected to be emailing daily sometimes twice, phone calls, etc, etc. I'm not doubting that I should have told her and I was planning to. But a day turned into a week turned into a month and I just kind of fell off into my actual life. She's not in on a minor charge she's doing a lot of years and I'm sure she knew from the start I wouldn't likely still be pen paling her 30 years down the road. I was hoping there would be some ex cons perspectives here because I have always heard ex cons say if you have a long sentence people are gonna fall off, come back, fall off again, etc. That's even true of brothers, sisters, mom's, dad's, everyone. Just how it is. Me -- I have never even visited her yet, never met her once in my life. Yes I should have written the uncomfortable email or had the uncomfortable phone call and told her, I'm not sure she would feel any different though. I think I'm gonna write her this weekend and see what happens but can I promise her I will still be there in 35 years in which she will still be in prison - no way I can guarantee anything. Have you guys penpals an inmate you didn't previously know for 1and 1/2 years before ? I think most fell off before that but won't admit it.
We learn from our mistakes, right? Youíre right, that uncomfortable email or letter is always best. Iíve been a pen pal for awhile now and currently have to cut back how much I write due to a personal issue in my life, I even had to take it out in my regular life, with cutting back on social things and networking for awhile. I let people know I was taking a break so they wouldnít worry but there will always be people who take offense and want other people to be a constant in their lives. While I love pen paling, right now I cannot be that person, and if my pen pals move onto greener pastures, so be it. I think people turn everything (including being a pen pal) into a competition at times (well I do xyz and this person only does y and z) so I think we all, including our friends incarcerated, have to do what is best for us and our mental health. There have been people who have returned in my life after disappearing for awhile and we picked up like old friends because we had no set expectations, nor did we make each other into our entire world. I understand people incarcerated have less of a support system, but we can only do so much as pen pals and friends. Iíve also know friends who criticize others for ghosting but then justify doing it themselves for whatever reason, be it realistic or unrealistic. I think you truly learned a valued lesson here and it helped me really think about my own outlook as well. I canít always predict how others (or myself) will act, control it, and thatís okay.
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Old 01-16-2020, 01:14 PM
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No, but maybe an explanation about why you ghosted her...might be nice.
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Old 01-16-2020, 02:48 PM
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Yeah I was a little surprised no letter or call and she has my number and address too. Maybe she though me taking her off JPay meant I didn't want to hear from her again or maybe like you said, it wasn't that big of a deal to her either way. When I write her I will make no mention of money, don't want to seem like I'm paying her to forgive me.
The money mention was about her using you not you trying to buy her affection
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