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Loving a Violent Offender Discuss the issues of having a violent offender as part of your life. Please keep in mind that some of us are married to violent offenders. Please remember that these offenders are human, and as such, can change... just like anyone else.

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  #1  
Old 09-15-2019, 10:10 PM
AnieLove56 AnieLove56 is offline
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Default Realizing What He Did

So I know what my LO is in for. And it wasn't until today that I fully grasped the fact that he is considered a violent offender. Without going into great detail, he inflicted harm upon someone that falls under aggravated assault.

I'm not too worried about when he gets out if he'll be that way because I know he has done everything to get better. What I am worried about though is what other people will think when they see him. He's heavily tattooed, crazy effin tall, white, and bald. He honestly looks like someone who's been incarcerated. I know that I shouldn't care what others think and for the most part I don't. I just don't want what anyone thinks to creep into his head and start messing with his sense of self worth. He's got 2 years left and then he's done. What can I do now to help him build up his self confidence if there is anything?
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Old 09-15-2019, 11:01 PM
Ricoluv29 Ricoluv29 is offline
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Does he have issues with his appearance or self confidence? If no, don’t worry about it.
I’ve never cared what anyone thought when they saw my man. Heavily tattooed as well. He never seemed bothered by them or like he lacked confidence. Only once did he ask me if I think he should get the ones on his face removed. I told him that’s a decision for himself to make and if it really affected him and how he feels about himself then yes. But if it’s for how others see him, no.
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  #3  
Old 09-15-2019, 11:21 PM
AnieLove56 AnieLove56 is offline
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He told me he wants to get a good number of them removed or covered up. Mostly the gang related ones that he's got. But I know lately he's been depressed and feeling down. I think it's because he knows he's so close to being done that maybe he's scared. Once he's all done and out, total time down will have been 16 years.
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Old 09-16-2019, 02:14 PM
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Hi there!

Well, I don't see it as 2 years being around the corner, but compared to how long he's already been down I imagine he's pretty happy to not be spending much more time in there.

A lot can be done in 2 years, if he has not already gotten a Bachelors or Masters degree, he can start on that. He can get certified in all sorts of things, Alcohol/Drug Counselor, Tax Certified among much more.

Tattoos don't stop anyone from getting and obtaining great careers out here, not today, not anymore. If he's feeling jittery about how he looks, I would say it's a reflection of how he feels - I'd recommend being involved in as many programs the prison has to offer. Order him some books about true stories of men who have done long terms and how they made their lives successful upon release.

Does he have a good, healthy support system of friends? I mean friends he's met in there who have been out now and doing very well for themselves. That type of connection helps a lot.

The transition from serving a long time in prison to coming out is an uphill battle. Having healthy men who can relate to what he's been through and going through as he's transitioning is something special.

I told my husband yesterday, not to forget that as soon as he walks out of prison walls he's walking into another "system" - we aren't free, we too are controlled out here, in one way or another - it's going to be a very tough transition.


Last edited by 408MoonGem; 09-16-2019 at 02:23 PM..
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Old 09-16-2019, 03:19 PM
AnieLove56 AnieLove56 is offline
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I do think he feels jittery about coming home. Lately it's been apparent that he's been more depressed and stressed than usual. Which I think comes from his family. His support system is mehh from what I can see. There's really only me, his two sisters, and his mom. His best friend died while he was inside and that's torn him up inside as he feels responsible. Probably something that is eating him up too is he's getting out but his best friend won't be there for him to see.

Hell, the technology has changed ten fold since 2005. He's working towards his 4th AA degree since he's been in, which is something that is pretty amazing. He's smart, wonderful, good looking (at least to me) even with all his tattoos (which I find sexy as hell). I know he's already been accepted into a college program once he's out at a State College to continue his education, and he's going for an engineering degree.
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Old 09-16-2019, 03:23 PM
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Originally Posted by 408MoonGem View Post
Order him some books about true stories of men who have done long terms and how they made their lives successful upon release.

The transition from serving a long time in prison to coming out is an uphill battle. Having healthy men who can relate to what he's been through and going through as he's transitioning is something special.


Are there any books that you could recommend? I'm not even sure where I would start besides like Amazon.
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Old 09-16-2019, 03:25 PM
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I would start looking into business that hire felons. I dont think tattoos are a big deal anymore. I have six tattoos and have a "professional job". Nobody has ever mentioned my tats.

I really don't think looking like you just got out of prison is necessary a bad thing. A lot of people and businesses look at people for what they want to do not what they did decades ago.

My employer hires out of an institution and hires many people who get released or have been incarcerated. He said everyone deserves a chance. I'd like to think there are a lot of people who have that belief.
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  #8  
Old 09-16-2019, 03:28 PM
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I would start looking into business that hire felons. I dont think tattoos are a big deal anymore. I have six tattoos and have a "professional job". Nobody has ever mentioned my tats.

I really don't think looking like you just got out of prison is necessary a bad thing. A lot of people and businesses look at people for what they want to do not what they did decades ago.

My employer hires out of an institution and hires many people who get released or have been incarcerated. He said everyone deserves a chance. I'd like to think there are a lot of people who have that belief.
He's full sleeves, hands, and head covered in tattoos.

I'm hoping that my sisters bfs work will take him on when he's paroled. It's a mechanic job, but it's a job that's hard work and decent money. Plus he would fit in with all his tattoos.
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Old 09-16-2019, 04:47 PM
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The way the world perceives someone with tattoos and a felony record is considerably more forgiving than in years past. His attitude is the key. If he wants to do well then, he will. The past, tattoos, height or what ever is not a barrier to success out here. There are plenty who've done well with those same characteristics. Tell him to fear not.
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Old 09-16-2019, 05:07 PM
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My boyfriend is also a bald goateed yoked out white dude with tattoos. He never joined a gang for a lot reasons mostly because he can fight fast, dirty and hard. He has done almost half his life locked up on and off. His tattoos look like child like art work done before prison tattoos were done well. He now goes to school getting his degree. His mentors are now talking with him about law school. He has a great job he is a peer support mentor and supervises community service for ex cons and gang members. They are finding ex cons that have their shit together are working better with these people than smart rich kids who went to college. My boyfriend has a success rate with his crews 9x better than his co workers do with their crews. He has helped many get their license back, get jobs and one guy he wrote a letter for won his case and didn’t do time. This type of work also keeps my man on the straight and narrow. He is helping others ...Times have changed. Unemployment rates are low overall and felons are being hired.
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  #11  
Old 09-16-2019, 06:16 PM
AnieLove56 AnieLove56 is offline
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I hope that's the case in two years. Because he wants to move up where I am and get his own place. Which I know will be a tough thing on its own.
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Old 09-16-2019, 07:55 PM
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First thing my man does when he hits the streets is get a kitchen job, he can eat at work. Once he has a check coming in he moves jobs from there. Does you guy have a trade he can get in easily? Has he done any school on the inside? Mine had some college credits already he was in a mechanics program inside and some of those credits transferred. How long is his parole? Will he go to a half way house? Did you guys meet while he was locked up? Hang in there and tell him too. Hang in there and take it one day at a time the big details sometimes work themselves out.
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Old 09-16-2019, 08:36 PM
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He's working towards engineering and welding.
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Old 09-16-2019, 09:23 PM
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He's working towards engineering and welding.
It's always hard in terms of what you feel to be true and real when you're still that far away from the end of the tunnel. He's making the mistake of taking stock of his situation just now when it's not time to do so. He has 2 years to better himself and prepare for the future. He knows when he's getting out, but he's too caught up in a form of self that will change for the better the closer he gets to release.
Along with that, he's also saying something from the heart that is a hard truth with those of us who realize the path we've chosen was mistake.....he doesn't want to be who he is. And because of that and the fact that he can't change his environment, he feels trapped within the prison within himself, not just the prison he's doing time in.
Help him to see that he's a beautiful person.....that's the one the true virtues of having a good woman in a man's life, SHE CAN REVEAL BEAUTY AND GRACE IN SUCH WAY THAT OTHERS CANNOT. Let that person be you.
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Old 09-16-2019, 10:16 PM
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I am definitely gonna be the one to show him just how amazing he is. I tell him all the time how awesome /amazing/wonderful/beautiful he is, which he jokes that it's the residual run off from how awesome/amazing/wonderful/beautiful I am. And I'll be like nope, you as your own person are pretty effin awesome and I like you. Recently wrote to him telling him he needed to relax and take some deep breaths cuz I'm not going anywhere. And today, I just got the application to fill out and send back to get approved to visit.
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Old 09-17-2019, 07:12 AM
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He's working towards engineering and welding.
That’s awesome. Keep encouraging him to learn that trade and concentrate on that. Encourage him to live in the moment and work on his skills for out here. Visits will brighten him up in sure.
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Old 09-17-2019, 09:03 AM
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Are there any books that you could recommend? I'm not even sure where I would start besides like Amazon.
I can recommend a book: "Law Man" from Shon Hopwood

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shon_Hopwood

This is one story of a guy who overcame a lot of stuff and became very sucessful but one has got to try and start at some point, fuck the tattoos, get started on your future, now
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Old 09-17-2019, 09:51 AM
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Help him to see that he's a beautiful person.....that's the one the true virtues of having a good woman in a man's life, SHE CAN REVEAL BEAUTY AND GRACE IN SUCH WAY THAT OTHERS CANNOT.

My man told me he never had a woman like me before. He's still wrapping his head around the fact that a woman like me could love a man like him. He asks me all the time why I do. Ever since going back in he's needed more letters of me reminding him of all the reasons I do. I tell him of the good I see him. I see past who he was before. I write of the life I want with him and what I believe we will accomplish together. He tells me hes never thought he could find a woman that wants all the same things and for the first time in his life he's changed the way he thinks on life. I have recognized the change. It takes time, just be patient.

He never saw what he had before. When he was going through sentencing was when he realized it. He asked me to tell his siblings to write letters to the judge, I did. None of his family wrote a thing or showed up to his court date. My father wrote the judge and so did I. I explained he never had a family or support system until now. And much more. That was what sparked change and meant a lot to him. For once he had someone on his side to make him feel loved and supported. My family shows him they actually care about him when his own haven't been there.
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Old 09-17-2019, 10:55 AM
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My man told me he never had a woman like me before. He's still wrapping his head around the fact that a woman like me could love a man like him. He asks me all the time why I do. Ever since going back in he's needed more letters of me reminding him of all the reasons I do. I tell him of the good I see him. I see past who he was before. I write of the life I want with him and what I believe we will accomplish together. He tells me hes never thought he could find a woman that wants all the same things and for the first time in his life he's changed the way he thinks on life. I have recognized the change. It takes time, just be patient.

He never saw what he had before. When he was going through sentencing was when he realized it. He asked me to tell his siblings to write letters to the judge, I did. None of his family wrote a thing or showed up to his court date. My father wrote the judge and so did I. I explained he never had a family or support system until now. And much more. That was what sparked change and meant a lot to him. For once he had someone on his side to make him feel loved and supported. My family shows him they actually care about him when his own haven't been there.
I wish the best for you both. He is fortunate to have someone that cares like he does where you're concerned. I admire you for the effort and hope that make possible.
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