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  #76  
Old 09-12-2019, 09:30 AM
gta5518 gta5518 is offline
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Originally Posted by Onetruemisfit View Post



I Threw that out there for bait for someone like you to pick up on. I'm as humble as they come. But besides that, there are plenty of threads here with praising men for supporting their significant others except when it comes to me I guess. But I am helping her. I know that.
Saying something just to get a reaction shows that you are looking for conflict here. I know there have been some harsh words, but I mostly lurk and even I have seen situations like yours go terribly wrong. They are just warning you of the dangers of getting too attached, too fast.

I agree with you that you should support her in any way that you can and you feel comfortable with. People are just asking you to take it slow and watch for red flags.

It sounds to me like you care about her a lot, people just want you to care for yourself and look out for number one at the same time. If you take it slow and protect your heart, you will be able to see what her intentions.

So, I say, yes, help her in any way that you can. Do so knowing that it might not end up in the relationship that you want, but along with what Eric said, you might be the reason she eventually rights her world, even if it is not on your timeline.

Sometimes people do just need to know there are people that care about them. It's great that you are willing to do that for her. Please, just keep your expectations reasonable and take care of yourself at the same time.

Sounds like the visit went well and I hope you have many more.
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  #77  
Old 09-12-2019, 10:12 AM
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What I think you're getting back from readers is the feeling that you're kinda jumping in head first and we've just seen it too many times to not try to warn you.

For my $0.02? She's way too young for all of this. She's too young to be in prison (out of our control), she's too young to make any kind of commitment and she's too young be learning WHILE in prison, WHILE battling addiction, that men sometimes throw the world at you and you can choose to play that game or not.

Like it or not, she is not mature. 21 is a drop in life's bucket regardless of how hard it's been. Think back to yourself at 21. What did you have to offer a 30-something partner? And she does need to be able to contribute or she's just a dependent. That's the last thing she needs because you'll only be contributing to further stunting of her maturity. She needs to grow and change and she really doesn't need another form of confinement for the best shot at that.

If you care about her in a forever sort of way, let her get out, stay clean, celebrate her traveling or moving if that's what she needs to do. She'll appreciate your support and you'll know for sure that she's making a choice to involve you in the face of a whole world of options. Wouldn't that feel better?
I was a dumbass at 31!!
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  #78  
Old 09-12-2019, 10:15 AM
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I was a dumbass at 31!!
Lol It's always that hindsight that gets us, isn't it?
I was married the first time at 24. I thought that was the perfect age-- at the time. I was nowhere near ready to set up house. I still had plenty of wild hares to chase and I did. Thankfully I married an amazing man whom I respected enough to say, "If we keep doing this, we're going to hurt one another" and we amicably divorced. We're still best of friends to this day. But neither of us held ourselves as the Beacon of Hope for the other. We were equally immature.

I know there are stable young people. I've met plenty and thank God because we need them. But a young person in prison battling addiction isn't one of them. Hope she has some good counsel around her to ease transition when her time is up.
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  #79  
Old 09-12-2019, 10:21 AM
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I was a dumbass at 31!!


Iím still a dumb ass at 37

Iíve got a couple other things in the thread OP has asked that Iíll get to in a bit once I am in the office if things are slow today, which they probably will be (so much easier than typing an essay on my phone...Iím going to miss working in the family business when the time comes to move on.)
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  #80  
Old 09-12-2019, 10:26 AM
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I would be a lot more inclined to believe “thank god for people like me” was bait if the rest of your posts didn’t absolutely reek of self importance.

I know exactly why you didn’t want women to reply to your post... because we’re all telling you this girl doesn’t need a big strong man to save her and guide her. You wanted validation from other saviors that you’re a superhero.

Sorry bud, women get an opinion here.

Anyway... I’m glad you enjoyed your visit. I hope you decide to give her some breathing room.
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  #81  
Old 09-12-2019, 10:38 AM
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You wanted validation from other saviors that youíre a superhero.

Playing Devilís Advocate here for a moment.....because I donít think heís looking for superhero status but I do think he would like a little validation and will agree with you there with sort of an explanation for the sake of perspective......

As a man who was with a woman in prison for 5 years and had a relationship both before and after.....this is a lonely existence. Thatís why I joked in my first post in the thread that we should have medallions that we flash at each other in the wild because there are fewer of us and weíre further between, so misguided or not I maybe tend to have some sympathy for the devil as it were.....(no offense to OP, not calling you the devil...)

There is not a lot of validation out here. Friends are mildly supportive but get tired of hearing about our loved one in prison in a best case scenario. Some friends....donít like it at all. And there arenít men at visits that we can make friends with and bond with because we tend to be more of a lone wolf sect. Sharing our good news.....is lonely. Because it often seems like no one wants to hear it. When people do express joy it often feels like a parent getting excited about us being potty trained more than authentic adult connection....not literally but itís more that feeling of, underneath, theyíre thinking ďI can show them Iím happy in this moment but Iíll be relieved when I donít have to anymore.Ē

At PTO, when we share good news and get validation, thatís something that feels real.

I do think OP needs to hear the perspectives and I hope that heís taking them to heart in the sense that I hope heís getting the intentions behind them (concern about the relationship, concern about how he might be coming off to others.)

I also would hope that we bear in mind that this might be the only place where OP feels comfortable talking with a community about what he is experiencing. Again. Misguided or not.

Also, everyone knows I am the only superhero around here (Kidding.)

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  #82  
Old 09-12-2019, 10:39 AM
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I know exactly why you didnít want women to reply to your post... because weíre all telling you this girl doesnít need a big strong man to save her and guide her. You wanted validation from other saviors that youíre a superhero.

Sorry bud, women get an opinion here.
Oh good. I thought maybe I was the only one getting the "barefoot and pregnant" vibe.
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  #83  
Old 09-12-2019, 11:28 AM
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This thread is becoming pointless. I don't even know what to say anymore. I'm not changing anything. I'm going to do whatever I want to do. Too many women are replying to this. I was really looking for opinions from men and for them to share their experiences. I thought this was wives/girlfriends meant that more men would be here. All you're making me do is question my motives, question her motives so that I can't trust myself and I can't trust her. I should support her, I shouldn't support her. It's just messing with my head more than anything. I'll stick to people who know her and know the situation, they seem to be supportive of me.
I gave you some good advice. MissingDee gave you some good advice. Unfortunately there may only be 3 other dudes on this site hahahah

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  #84  
Old 09-12-2019, 11:30 AM
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Iím still a dumb ass at 37

Iíve got a couple other things in the thread OP has asked that Iíll get to in a bit once I am in the office if things are slow today, which they probably will be (so much easier than typing an essay on my phone...Iím going to miss working in the family business when the time comes to move on.)
Right? I mean man, I regret shit I did last week still and I'm almost 45. Doh!!
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  #85  
Old 09-12-2019, 11:30 AM
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I have you some good advice. MissingDee gave you some good advice. Unfortunately there may only be 3 other dudes on this site hahahah


Not sure if thatís entirely accurate because we do have a lot of lurkers, but that does seem to be how it is in terms of currently active.
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  #86  
Old 09-12-2019, 11:42 AM
Onetruemisfit Onetruemisfit is offline
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I'm getting a liberal feminist vibe. I'm a conservative Christian. We have totally different views. What is wrong with a pregnant barefoot woman?

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  #87  
Old 09-12-2019, 11:47 AM
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I would be a lot more inclined to believe ďthank god for people like meĒ was bait if the rest of your posts didnít absolutely reek of self importance.

I know exactly why you didnít want women to reply to your post... because weíre all telling you this girl doesnít need a big strong man to save her and guide her. You wanted validation from other saviors that youíre a superhero.

Sorry bud, women get an opinion here.

Anyway... Iím glad you enjoyed your visit. I hope you decide to give her some breathing room.
Guilty as charged! I want very much to be a savior for my girl. Its all I think about really with her lately. I want her safe, happy, and comfortable. These things she does not have today and I will do everything to get them to her. BUT, my situation is mine and not anyone else's. Not here to give validation to anyone, but in order for me to save her, I must have facilities to do so.
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  #88  
Old 09-12-2019, 11:49 AM
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Not sure if thatís entirely accurate because we do have a lot of lurkers, but that does seem to be how it is in terms of currently active.
Oh I am sure there's more, but as far as engaged? Its a wasteland for guys hahahha
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  #89  
Old 09-12-2019, 11:50 AM
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I'm getting a liberal feminist vibe. I'm a conservative Christian. We have totally different views. What is wrong with a pregnant barefoot woman?
Not sure how feminist and Christian are in opposition (I'm both), but really...what matters is what she wants. If that's barefoot and pregnant, then my blessings to you both.
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  #90  
Old 09-12-2019, 11:56 AM
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I'm getting a liberal feminist vibe. I'm a conservative Christian. We have totally different views. What is wrong with a pregnant barefoot woman?
Alright. I was beginning to think you were just a little lonely and misguided, but turns out youíre actually just a creep. I hope she has the emotional wherewithal to see that and leave you alone.

Good luck to you. Out.
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  #91  
Old 09-12-2019, 12:23 PM
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Okay, as promised, I'm going to respond to a few things that OP was asking of folks in general.


Therapy - I have Bipolar Disorder, so I was in pretty heavy therapy from age 16 to about age 25 dealing with all the parts of that that I COULD control. The chemical imbalance part...I can only influence so much, because if my brain wants to just run away, it's gonna do it. I can take medications and that'll help balance it. But the things that bugged me, the trigger points.....I got most of that under control. So that would necessarily include age 21 as part of me being in therapy.


Therapy's good at any age. But it's only as good as you want it to be.


You made the point in the post that I just read that you are a Conservative Christian. Formal therapy might not be effective for you personally if you felt you needed help. I'm assuming that she tends to be a Conservative Christian as well. A lot of times, a pastor/minister/clergyman can serve the role of therapist if therapy is necessary. It's a different method, but for some people it is equally effective.


On interventions....you know, interventions are a great way of letting people express to an addict how their using impacts the folks who are around them and who care about them and what they're feeling sometimes, but they can also be a great way of gaining up on a person and, handled wrong, they can backfire badly and drive an addict to feel cornered and possibly want to binge use.



What I find is most effective is to let the addict handle their own affairs. Yes, love them and support them and talk to them. But ultimately you have to leave their life choices up to them and make sure you're taking care of you. After all, you can't take care of them if you're not taking care of yourself. It's that saying....the blind can't lead the blind.


Politics aside....because if we get into politics everyone will hate my opinions...LOL! Ultimately if a relationship works for two people and there's love and support there, that's what matters. I draw the line at abuse, but some abuse is definitive (physical assault, put-downs, etc.) and some is less-definitive (issues of money look one way to some people and another way to others....in some cases I would agree with those saying the money is an attempt to control and manipulate, but in other cases I wouldn't, that can really be a case-by-case thing, and while I certainly have my concerns regarding flow of money whenever it comes to prison, I also gave a lot of money myself and my intention was to support, not control, and I would hope that has shined through over the years.)


One point I am going to be clear on is this one:


Quote:
"...there are plenty of threads here with praising men for supporting their significant others except when it comes to me I guess. But I am helping her. I know that."


There's praise. But. I assure you. It's not universal. Every man who has come through here has had their intentions scrutinized. We've all gotten the advice to be careful with our monies. We've all been cautioned about how much we give and what we hope to get out of it.


You probably are helping her in some ways. My question is, and please note this is rhetorical because you've said your peace and she is not here to defend herself as it were....what is she doing with that help? What is she doing to improve herself with the foundation of support that you are laying for her? Is she attending meetings? Is she getting some form of counseling? Again...rhetorical. These are hypotheticals (and only a portion of them) that I would want to know if I were going through this situation again. (I won't. Dee took too much out of me, and I've got other priorities in life. I can't see myself being in a relationship with an inmate ever again.)


Do bear in mind that we have a lot of different folks from a lot of different walks of life. Some of them are from outside the United States and their views are different still. Nobody here is here to be political. Nobody here is looking to trash on anyone's faith. People's opinions in some cases are shaped by those politics and those faiths, but it's not the point.


The best thing to do, by the way, might be at some point to ask her exactly what she wants to get out of life and out of this relationship. We all have our thoughts, and some insights here are pretty good. But at the end of the day we're talking heads.


-Eric
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  #92  
Old 09-12-2019, 12:36 PM
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This thread is becoming pointless. I don't even know what to say anymore. I'm not changing anything. I'm going to do whatever I want to do. Too many women are replying to this. I was really looking for opinions from men and for them to share their experiences. I thought this was wives/girlfriends meant that more men would be here. All you're making me do is question my motives, question her motives so that I can't trust myself and I can't trust her. I should support her, I shouldn't support her. It's just messing with my head more than anything. I'll stick to people who know her and know the situation, they seem to be supportive of me.

Thats sounds so really selfish. It seems you take care of yourself more than about her. You don't know what is good for her when she gets out. If you treat her with that attitude, you may put a lot of pressure on her. It seems like you feel like a king. Just because you may be supportive. In that way you're writing .... damn! LOL..! You asked for opinions here, but you do not like the answers...... a girl with 21, addiction problem is not mature enough to make decisions, while she is in. If you want to support her, don't make her feel like that she is depended, when she gets out. She will decide if she is willing to do things. When she gets out it is needed that she is able to stand on her own feet, without being depened. Anyway, all the best for her and hopefully you treat her with a lot of respect and not that "I'm the king" ! People in prison mostly don't have have much range to choose with whom they are writing. At least it's a joy if it fits and helps on both sides. However. Me, male, enough experience .. LOL Bye

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  #93  
Old 09-12-2019, 03:20 PM
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This thread is becoming pointless. I don't even know what to say anymore. I'm not changing anything. I'm going to do whatever I want to do. Too many women are replying to this. I was really looking for opinions from men and for them to share their experiences. I thought this was wives/girlfriends meant that more men would be here. All you're making me do is question my motives, question her motives so that I can't trust myself and I can't trust her. I should support her, I shouldn't support her. It's just messing with my head more than anything. I'll stick to people who know her and know the situation, they seem to be supportive of me.
It just seems like you think helping this girl out is going to get you something romantic out of it and your first message gave off so many friendzone vibes . But youíll have to see it when sheís released . Then youíll understand the comments . You admitted in a post that if she doesnít give you an answer youíre moving your money and yourself on. It doesnít matter what gender replies itís common sense whatís going on and what will end up happening . I guarantee if you ask her tonight if sheíll be with you or if she ever sees yíall together sheíll give you a whole bunch of double talk. You said yourself she ďactsĒ like we potentially have something but doesnít want to commit to me. You already know whatís up . Also her brothers coming to play games with you have nothing to do with whether sheíd be with you in a relationship. Support her but understand you may get nothing but a thank you from it !
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Old 09-12-2019, 04:17 PM
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I gave you some good advice. MissingDee gave you some good advice. Unfortunately there may only be 3 other dudes on this site hahahah

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Old 09-13-2019, 09:19 AM
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This is absolutely the most amazing thread ever. I am married to a woman that has 5 yrs and change to go. I have relayed this story to my wife during one of our many talks. I feel like someone that battled addiction of hard drugs early on in this exact age range, can speak from volumes of experience she's went through. I presented this situation, and her first response was.. to laugh. All these people saying her maturity isn't even at 21, are 100% correct. She can vouch for herself, and the hundreds of women she sees on a daily basis. It took her until she was 28, and in a second set, to realize that only SHE was able to change her behavior, not from me or anyone else. Nothing about my wife's life previously was normal. Spare me your savior complex by saying she had a shit dad, or a shit mom. Uh, a lot of them do. You are setting yourself up with WAY beyond expectations, and by getting ultra defensive and criticizing women you come off like a pig. My wife would have kicked my ass all over the place if I tried to make her do these things you want yours to do. "Mike, if you would have said that to me after I got out, I would have ghosted you. I wasn't ready to change, and you weren't going to make me." It's fine, it's all figured out. Good luck my dude. Your fun is just beginning.
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Old 09-13-2019, 09:24 AM
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"Mike, if you would have said that to me after I got out, I would have ghosted you. I wasn't ready to change, and you weren't going to make me."
100% this.

Glad this thread is amazing, Mike LOL! But this point is spot-on, and it's always good to get a perspective (even if it's third party) from someone who is currently inside and has lived through something relevant to the topic being discussed. Thank you for sharing.

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Old 09-13-2019, 11:37 AM
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100% this.

Glad this thread is amazing, Mike LOL! But this point is spot-on, and it's always good to get a perspective (even if it's third party) from someone who is currently inside and has lived through something relevant to the topic being discussed. Thank you for sharing.

-Eric
We had trouble picking out what color socks to wear after set 1, let alone some huge decision about major plans. What happened the first time things got difficult, she f'ed up and went back in. This just drips of naivety and loss of common sense. Won't be the first time the "Love is blind" motto ruins someone.
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  #98  
Old 09-13-2019, 11:42 AM
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miamac miamac is offline
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Originally Posted by Visitor611 View Post
This is what we get. There's nothing that will ever change it..
I hope that's not true. Just think of the other men you've helped today by posting. I know we've got our 3-4 regulars (Wilkes, ya out there?), but sooooo many lurkers. Your words may have helped them over that last bad interaction and you'll never know it.

I'm HUGE on visibility. But I'm also, for some random reason, in position of privilege. The two most common comments I get after sharing our story are, you don't look like a woman married to a guy in prison and you're an angel for sticking by him.

Seriously. That's that what they say. My response? What should a woman married to a man in prison look like? and No, no I'm not. I'm tired, I'm beat down, I'm broke, I'm isolated and I hate all of it. Loving him doesn't make me an angel. For the most part it makes me stubborn as hell. But I do it because he's a good man and I DO love him.

And hopefully, with my candor and transparency, I've shown an uninformed person that Loved Ones with Mates in Prison are everywhere. We look like you. We are educated like you. We shop where you shop and worship where you worship. We are struggling and we want to be seen and accepted.

I hope you gain respect and visibility some day.
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  #99  
Old 09-13-2019, 01:39 PM
Visitor611 Visitor611 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by miamac View Post
I hope that's not true. Just think of the other men you've helped today by posting. I know we've got our 3-4 regulars (Wilkes, ya out there?), but sooooo many lurkers. Your words may have helped them over that last bad interaction and you'll never know it.

Seriously. That's that what they say. My response? What should a woman married to a man in prison look like? and No, no I'm not. I'm tired, I'm beat down, I'm broke, I'm isolated and I hate all of it. Loving him doesn't make me an angel. For the most part it makes me stubborn as hell. But I do it because he's a good man and I DO love him.
Hopefully I did. There isn't one part of this LO in prison that's easy. Tired, beat, broke and isolated. Sounds familiar to me! I'm VERY defensive of outside people making comments about where she is. She can't defend herself, but I sure as hell can. How many of us have had that super awkward conversation when someone asks "Where's your wife/husband?" that doesn't know anything? We then CHOOSE to be in this type of lifestyle! We CHOOSE to stay in these relationships, when the bad is always more then the good. Its a daily struggle for me, but I absolutely miss the shit out of that woman. But, like you said, you love them, and tomorrow is one day closer. I think that is why OP got so many comments and a bit of hostility. Such misguided and inexperienced information, and complete dismissal of the hardships we've all endured over YEARS of figuring how to get through each lonely night being without the one person we care about the most. I know I was. I can't count the number of guys that have walked through that visitor room that are "pay for attention." We can pick them out, within 5 minutes. I have mad respect for all the ladies/men/parents that swim the same river as I do. We are some of the strongest, most dedicated group I know. Stand by those people we love, when everyone else abandons them. I hope your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your spouse, your son, your daughter, or whatever that person is to you, shows you appreciation, love, and respect for the hardships and frustration we have every single day of our lives. That, is a testament who we are. I'm proud to be a part of this community that gives support and care, when no other place does.

Last edited by Visitor611; 09-13-2019 at 01:45 PM..
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  #100  
Old 09-13-2019, 02:04 PM
studebaker71 studebaker71 is online now
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So I am going to have to say something..

I am 45 years almost and I have been through a few things in my life.
  • Terrible marriage
  • Terrible divorce
  • Broke my back, had to learn to walk again
  • lost my sister at 17
  • cops tried to bust me bad once on some stupid shit
  • lost jobs, had to reinvent myself many times

so many things I guess many others here and everywhere have had to do. I will say though that the pain of being with someone stuck in prison and the feeling of being shunned by people you trusted and were raised by in some cases, the whole betrayal, and the way it all runs out is just unique and albeit maybe not as painful in the acute way, but is torture that I cannot describe. Having to look at and console a mom that lost a daughter is not comparable in impact, but the lengthy slow torture of having a loved one in prison just hurts me to a point of climbing the walls. I have not had the privilege to feel pain such as this. And I don't choose to ignore it or "deal" with it any other way than to just absorb it and let the scars develop so I can protect my girl as best possible by way of knowing the terrible hardship of having to be in this predicament.

I fell in love with this girl, if I had a logical "choice" I would drop her in a heartbeat. But the reality is what happened to me falling in love with her was amazing. It was a switch inside me that says "Even if all I have is a scrap of anything I will hold on to it." I will make every effort to be close to this woman, there is no doubt in my mind the "worst day fishing is better than the best day working" hahahah This is how I describe being with her.

Now with all this pain though, I have time all day to let my mind wander and worry and then I self medicate and do all the wrong things. Somewhere in that madness I found this group. These people here that I looked for a while on the group to answer my questions and help me level out of my stresses.

With the help from members here in the group I have got some tools to live with this situation better. I am not gonna die, I'm not gonna self destruct. I will say though for a moment I was definitely at a point that I was headed to that could have done some real lasting damage.

So rabbit holes aside..

This girl and me falling in love with her I had no choice
This prison situation i had no choice

Finding this group I had a choice
Rebuilding my emotional state, I am discovering I have a choice (and responsibility)

I'm VERY thankful for the group and the contributors. I am on a path, it's still severely painful, but it's a path. I will continue and by grace of God I wont self destruct (today) hahah
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