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Wives & Girlfriends in Prison For everyone who has a wife, girlfriend, or female partner incarcerated.

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  #1  
Old 09-03-2018, 02:45 PM
Becall247 Becall247 is offline
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Default How do you know whether they are or are not using you?

So my girlfriend that I got back together with that I dated almost four years ago turned herself in back in April. Shes been in medical isolation the whole time for TB supposedly and only receive letters ever so often. She talks about how much she loves me and wants to start a future with me when she get out. But how do you know if its true on what they are saying or just keeping you around so you can help them financially. Plus she is due to get release from NC soon but has a extradition to SC for charges there and dont know how long she will be there for. I know I love the girl with my whole heart but just dont know if I can handle it if this was all a game.
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Old 09-03-2018, 02:54 PM
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Go with your gut.

If you think she's just using you, quit sending her money and see how she responds.

If she's just in it for the money, she'll quickly lose interest in you and move on to find other marks.
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Old 09-03-2018, 03:12 PM
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If she is in medical isolation she wlll have a bed and food she doesnt need money I would hold off on the financial support and see if she sticks around.If she is just in it for the cash she will be gone soon enough.
However money or no money no relationship is guaranteed and relationships can go wrong for a 100 plus reasons.
Do what feels right for you, if you have doubts listen to them.
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Old 09-04-2018, 11:02 AM
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Originally Posted by Becall247 View Post
So my girlfriend that I got back together with that I dated almost four years ago turned herself in back in April. Shes been in medical isolation the whole time for TB supposedly and only receive letters ever so often. She talks about how much she loves me and wants to start a future with me when she get out. But how do you know if its true on what they are saying or just keeping you around so you can help them financially. Plus she is due to get release from NC soon but has a extradition to SC for charges there and dont know how long she will be there for. I know I love the girl with my whole heart but just dont know if I can handle it if this was all a game.

Honestly?


You don't.


Technically, any sort of support they glean from you is "using" you. People use other people to meet their social needs. So any sort of interaction can be considered "using" someone.


It's just that some forms of "using" a person are considered healthy and others are not.


If there's a fair exchange and a mutual respect, then this could be considered "healthy."


If someone is just seeking to bleed you dry? Not so much.


In medical I'm not really sure what she could be needing all that much money for. If you're sending in a few dollars a month (let's say under $50) so she can get some better hygiene and maybe a few treats, I'd say that's probably acceptable.


If you're sending in hundreds of dollars, you're probably paying off drug debts or something of that nature in which case....well, I guess the question is, are you comfortable with that?


Whether or not she sticks with you when she hits the gate regardless of whether you cut the funds or not....is honestly something you won't know until she gets there.


These relationships, whether you met them through a pen pal site or knew them before, always always ALWAYS come with risk. Dee can be a handful at times, but, as I joke, she's "my handful." Like I said to her recently, "I love you, but damn it Dee, sometimes you frustrate the living hell out of me." (There are mental health/substance abuse issues with her....you're welcome to go browsing as far back in my history as you need to if you want to read about our experience.) Just keep in mind...you're not getting a girl scout. You're getting an inmate. These people may be good-hearted and kind-spirited, but they didn't get where they are by holding a bake sale (well, a cannabis-free bake sale, anyway.) Depending on their level of criminality, their tendency to lie and manipulate may be strong. And unfortunately, as I've learned, sometimes they may love you to no end and still be prone to the sort of thinking that put them in prison. So....proceed with caution. I hope it works out for you. If it's meant to be, you'll come through. But just.....careful. That's all I can suggest. Careful.


-E
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Old 09-05-2018, 02:00 PM
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When she does write me, she said its hard to get envelops and paper due to being in isolation and has to beg the guards for some. Like I said, I really love this girl and we dated three years ago but I just dont want to be hurt again. It sucks because we haven't been able to talk on the phone since she's been there. And I have no idea whats going to happen on the 12th. She is set to be released from NC but has a detainer from SC.
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Old 09-05-2018, 05:22 PM
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When she does write me, she said its hard to get envelops and paper due to being in isolation and has to beg the guards for some. Like I said, I really love this girl and we dated three years ago but I just dont want to be hurt again. It sucks because we haven't been able to talk on the phone since she's been there. And I have no idea whats going to happen on the 12th. She is set to be released from NC but has a detainer from SC.

Just gotta roll with the punches, man. If you're going to be there, be there. If you're not, get out. No reason to subject yourself to the relationship beyond what you're comfortable with. No reason to give her false hope if you're going to walk away. My sense is you're staying, so....roll with the punches. And make sure you take care of yourself.


-E
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Old 09-07-2018, 07:46 PM
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I heard from her today. She told me not to add any more money to her account. When she goes to SC, she is going to see about a bond and use what I have given her already towards it.
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Old 09-07-2018, 08:26 PM
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Thank you for this. I met mine as a pen pal first in January. Was completely honest with him especially if he was just looking to add to funds to his books then it wasnt me. Told him i had alot if issues and was still working on getting my shit together . he was understanding and caring. Long story short I fell for him. Now he says im not there for him n i dont really love him .... Uhhg! ��
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Old 09-10-2018, 01:15 PM
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Thank you for this. I met mine as a pen pal first in January. Was completely honest with him especially if he was just looking to add to funds to his books then it wasnt me. Told him i had alot if issues and was still working on getting my shit together . he was understanding and caring. Long story short I fell for him. Now he says im not there for him n i dont really love him .... Uhhg! ��

Sometimes they take a "slow play" approach. Basically "I'm not going to make this about money early on but once we get close I will." It's unfortunate. Be careful...


-E
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Old 02-06-2019, 09:15 AM
Cole2013 Cole2013 is offline
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E,
Very well said. I was going to give my opinion as a women about to go in but I couldn't say it any better.

One of my fears about getting a PP is I don't want to make anyone feel I am using them. I don't plan on asking for anything at all. I think this will be a nice way to socialize and give me and hopefully them a chance at a good friendship, based on no lies. On my end I wont have anything to loose. The worst of me, will be me sitting in prison, which duh they will already know about. LOL But I hate people that use others in anyway.

Your reply was right on. I did giggle over the $50 or less because you are correct that would get an inmate shampoo and such and maybe a snack or two. I hate how they increase the price for their gain. But I am sure they need to make that $1.20 lunch money back some how. I realize we broke the law and I am not against paying the price but in my jail we ate at 0630, 1300 and 1730. That was it, you didn't like the meal or in my case couldn't keep the meal in my stomach, well too bad you ate only when it was meal time. So sometimes it was nice to eat a snack or soup when I could keep it down.

I want to thank you men for supporting in any manner the women in your lives, because even just writing a letter helped keep my mind normal. I was only in jail for 26-days and looking at a lot longer when I turn myself in.

Sorry for rambling, just wanted to say good advice.

Cole



Quote:
Originally Posted by missingdee View Post
Honestly?


You don't.


Technically, any sort of support they glean from you is "using" you. People use other people to meet their social needs. So any sort of interaction can be considered "using" someone.


It's just that some forms of "using" a person are considered healthy and others are not.


If there's a fair exchange and a mutual respect, then this could be considered "healthy."


If someone is just seeking to bleed you dry? Not so much.


In medical I'm not really sure what she could be needing all that much money for. If you're sending in a few dollars a month (let's say under $50) so she can get some better hygiene and maybe a few treats, I'd say that's probably acceptable.


If you're sending in hundreds of dollars, you're probably paying off drug debts or something of that nature in which case....well, I guess the question is, are you comfortable with that?


Whether or not she sticks with you when she hits the gate regardless of whether you cut the funds or not....is honestly something you won't know until she gets there.


These relationships, whether you met them through a pen pal site or knew them before, always always ALWAYS come with risk. Dee can be a handful at times, but, as I joke, she's "my handful." Like I said to her recently, "I love you, but damn it Dee, sometimes you frustrate the living hell out of me." (There are mental health/substance abuse issues with her....you're welcome to go browsing as far back in my history as you need to if you want to read about our experience.) Just keep in mind...you're not getting a girl scout. You're getting an inmate. These people may be good-hearted and kind-spirited, but they didn't get where they are by holding a bake sale (well, a cannabis-free bake sale, anyway.) Depending on their level of criminality, their tendency to lie and manipulate may be strong. And unfortunately, as I've learned, sometimes they may love you to no end and still be prone to the sort of thinking that put them in prison. So....proceed with caution. I hope it works out for you. If it's meant to be, you'll come through. But just.....careful. That's all I can suggest. Careful.


-E
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  #11  
Old 02-14-2019, 07:24 PM
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This may sound like an odd reply but, does it matter if she is? By that I mean, at this moment in time, you say you love her with all your heart and she says she loves you too. That has to be worth something. When I first started writing Nicole, I thought the same way, "How do I Know", but then I realized at this moment, I am enjoying every minute of being her man. Sure it has its hard moments like not hearing from them for a day or two. Then you find out that some girls got in to a fight and they were on lockdown the whole time and couldn't use the phone. Your mind is your own worst enemy. The other thing that nobody seems to mention is that they are investing their time in to you as well. Trust goes both ways. Does she ask you about being faithful? I don't know about the facility in the state your in, but out here, everyone is required to have a job of some type. Its not like she is sitting around watching TV and doing her nails and writing 20 guys a day. She doesn't have the time to.
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Old 03-13-2019, 12:15 PM
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Default Trust or Not Trust

It all boils down to, do you trust her and can she trust you. You have to came to a point in your relationship where you either are going to trust her completely or not. Can't play the guessing game or you will drive you and her crazy.


How did I decide if my lady was being real with me? Having been in prison I can pick up on red flags that people display when they are playing a game on you. Such as:


  • Always asking for money
  • They get defensive if you question their need for money
  • They fall for you after a few letters (does not happen in real life nor does it through letters)
  • They sound too good to be true.
Those are the biggest red flags.


Take it slow, watch for inconsistencies and in the end trust your gut.



Good luck!
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