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  #1  
Old 05-26-2019, 12:31 PM
Subie24 Subie24 is offline
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Angry Back again

Iím back again. My son got arrested twice this week - the first time for disturbing the peace or something similar. This time for something way more serious, in another state. I didnít post bail for the first and it was really small. Definitely not doing it for this one. He is where he needs to be. Well, actually he should be in a rehab or hospital but itís out of my control. As it has been all along, really. Iím so pissed off. Just exhausted
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Old 05-26-2019, 05:21 PM
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I'm sorry for the anguish your son is causing you. There is very little you can do to help him, that is his own responsibility.
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Old 05-26-2019, 06:18 PM
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I am so very sorry for you. I know the feeling that he is safer in jail/prison then on the street.

Please take care of yourself
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Old 05-27-2019, 07:54 AM
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I am so sorry.
I can imagine the crushing feeling. (been there, done that)
Well at least he's semi safe atm.
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Old 05-27-2019, 07:58 AM
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I remember the mixed feelings when my son was arrested . I was so sad to know he faced substantial jail time and glad that he was out of the madness he was living in. I hope things work out ok for you.
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Old 05-28-2019, 01:58 AM
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Oh, I am so sorry. My son sounds just like yours. He needs rehab and psychological help, not incarceration, but we don’t have mental health institutions anymore or very many affordable rehabs, especially for kids. My son was only 11 days past his 18th birthday when he had a mental breakdown, self medicated with illegal drugs, and attempted suicide for the 4th time when he was arrested.

He needs serious help which he is not getting where he is.

I hope that both of our sons can figure out what they have to do to get through this and actually learn from it.

Hang in there. You’re not the only one going through this, if that helps any.

I seriously don’t know what I’d do without all of you to vent to.
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Old 05-28-2019, 02:37 PM
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Default Radio silence for now

For now, my son isnít able to contact me. I canít find him in the system yet - the holiday weekend is probably the reason for that. But itís actually a relief because I know how this goes - at first he will apologize and say how wrong he was and sorry he is. And then he will start to ask me to pay for things - bail, a lawyer, phone, commissary, etc. I literally donít know what to do anymore. Iím so sick of this. I cannot do bail - itís out of the question as Iím out of work and have been since February. So no way am I able to post bail. I did tell him that (and also said canít do a lawyer) when he called when he was first arrested on Saturday.
The lawyer question - thatís harder because I know that PDs are overworked androstenedione have the time to focus on one persons case. But if Iím honest with myself and all of you - a paid lawyer will also talk to ME and help me understand what heís up against. So that would be as much for me as for him. But then back to the reality of my being out of work...
On the phone money - I HATE getting the calls from jail. I. D.o.n.t want to talk to him in jail. That sounds terrible but I donít. Maybe I will write to him.

And on the commissary...I HATE that too. Itís such a rip off. So not sure on that one either - and again, Iím not working. My husband is, thankfully, but Iím dipping into savings each month as it is - doing that for commissary when he screwed up is just wrong.

I did see another post on similar topic here so if the moderators want to move this, please do. I realize I mostly rambled along...kind of justifying to myself why Iím doing nothing, for the moment. I do know that I. D.o.n.t owe him an excuse...but Iím his mother and I do feel bad, even if I know that I shouldnít.
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Old 05-28-2019, 10:47 PM
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I’m with you all the way. We did finally get a lawyer the last time because the situation was so messed up. He was suicidal, on drugs, and ran from police. It was awful. I was getting so sick from the stress because of the weird situation that my husband finally caved and lawyered up just so the lawyer would talk to us and I could sleep. I don’t think we can afford it next time. (Yes, at this point we just assume there will be a next time.)

My husband and I both went through stages where we didn’t want to answer his calls. It was, “YOU talk to him.” “No, YOU talk to him.” Writing is a good idea if you can do that.

I agree on the commissary thing too. Greedy people are profiting off of the innocent families of inmates. How can this be justice? Yet you feel guilty if they go without because you’re a loving parent.

It’s all such a nightmare, and we get punished for things we didn’t do. Your feelings are valid.
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Old 05-29-2019, 12:42 PM
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Mama33 ~ my son's current situation is quite bleak. I did get a call from a lawyer today (my son called him apparently and is asking the lawyer to call family to ask us to pay). As his mother, there is still a part of me that wants to help and pay the lawyer. That part also wants a paid attorney because the paid attorney will explain the process to me, etc. Unfortunately for my son at this point in time, I am out of work and have been since January. My husband is working but HE was out of work for 18 months. It simply is not feasible at this point in time; despite how serious my son's legal situation is. I am not willing to risk losing my house or my marriage ~ we've been here before with both, due to my son and I'm just not doing it again. I had told him that the last time and he did have a small brush after that and we stayed out of it, so I had hoped he would realize that we meant it but obviously he didn't. Like I started out saying - I probably would pay for the lawyer for me as much as for him given the severity of his situation but I CAN'T. Which, when you get right down to it is probably a good thing, for me at least.
I am just so pissed off and upset ...scared too, because this could be a very long time but again, he made this choice. A really, really dumb choice. It is heartbreaking
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Old 05-29-2019, 05:46 PM
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I understand completely. My husband had originally said “Never again” about the lawyer, but I have some very serious health issues, and I think he got worried when he saw my health going so far downhill. I still haven’t recovered, but I was much, much worse before we got the lawyer. This was the first time our son was over 18 and in “big boy court,” so I think that had a lot to do with my stress levels too. Not only am I more prepared for the next time now, but we also have used up all of our resources, so there will be no paid lawyer for us next time either. I just need to deal with it... our sons are making their own beds, as people say.

I do think it’s different for mothers than for fathers because moms are often more of the comforters, and I think we tend to feel more guilt about saying no. Both my husband and I wonder if we’ve been enabling, and we try very hard not to. It took us a long time to even understand what the concept of enabling was, and it’s so easy to fall into that trap. Parents naturally want to help their kids. Unfortunately, it can make things so much worse. We’re trying to step away and let our son learn things on his own now because he’s 18, so that has helped too. We are not legally obligated to provide housing anymore, and we’ve told him he’ll never live with us again. We won’t even let him visit on holidays when he gets out unless he can prove that he’s providing for himself and clean. We just can’t go through that stress anymore.

You’re right that you can’t risk your house and DEFINITELY not your marriage. Frankly, I’m amazed that our marriage has survived this! What a toll the loss of money and the emotional stress puts on parents! We feel like we’re so much older than we are, and we still have two younger teenagers to raise. Our entire family has been scarred by what our oldest son has put us through.

I feel like you. It’s almost a relief that we can’t pay for another lawyer. We can know for sure that if/when it happens again we won’t be enabling because we just can’t help. It will be hard not to be able to hear from the lawyer, but it’s out of our hands.

We went to a counselor years ago when our son’s behavior started getting really bad because my husband was blaming me for it. Thank God the counselor pointed out that the other two kids are fine, so it’s obviously not my parenting. That helped a lot. He also told us that a lot of parents with kids like this divorce, have heart attacks, get cancer, and just drop dead from the stress. I know it has made my condition much worse. I’m thankful that we’re still together and still ALIVE.

Please take care of yourself and your marriage. We have to remember that we didn’t do anything wrong even though some people might judge us anyway. You’re allowed to be angry. Our boys are being selfish and stupid. They really have no concept of how this affects us and probably wouldn’t care if they did. Maybe some day they’ll understand, but I’m not counting on it.

I hope that posting these things is helping you. I know you’re helping me!
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Old 06-03-2019, 08:38 PM
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Originally Posted by Subie24 View Post
Mama33 ~ my son's current situation is quite bleak. I did get a call from a lawyer today (my son called him apparently and is asking the lawyer to call family to ask us to pay). As his mother, there is still a part of me that wants to help and pay the lawyer. That part also wants a paid attorney because the paid attorney will explain the process to me, etc. Unfortunately for my son at this point in time, I am out of work and have been since January. My husband is working but HE was out of work for 18 months. It simply is not feasible at this point in time; despite how serious my son's legal situation is. I am not willing to risk losing my house or my marriage ~ we've been here before with both, due to my son and I'm just not doing it again. I had told him that the last time and he did have a small brush after that and we stayed out of it, so I had hoped he would realize that we meant it but obviously he didn't. Like I started out saying - I probably would pay for the lawyer for me as much as for him given the severity of his situation but I CAN'T. Which, when you get right down to it is probably a good thing, for me at least.
I am just so pissed off and upset ...scared too, because this could be a very long time but again, he made this choice. A really, really dumb choice. It is heartbreaking
At 19, I paid for his lawyer and his bail, and he got a sweet deal of only 1 felony class 6 with his record to be expunged upon completion of the terms of the plea - no prison time. Less than 2 years later, he blew it all up, failed drug test, holding up a pharmacy to stay and take drugs (his goal was to die). I left him with a public defender. I could have paid for a private attorney, but it would have hurt me to do so. Instead, I paid off the rest of his fines in WI, and his prior lawyer (who had been my employer 6 years prior to the last arrest), got the WI DA to accept the AZ time served and close the WI case out. So now he has 2 felonies, but if I hadn't paid the fines WI would have had him serve another 6 years upon his AZ release. My point being - I put the money I could manage to the best use I could, rather than simply rescuing him. I never even asked about bail this last time around.

What I did do for my own peace of mind was pay for a consult with a private attorney to look at the case, explain the situation, and give me his opinion on the plea offer. Instead of $10k, I paid a few hundred. Since my son was an adult the public defender wasn't telling me anything; the private attorney was working for me - so I got my answers and as much peace of mind as any of us can get in these situations. Not all attorneys are willing to do something like this, but it can't hurt to ask if it's a cost-effective option that might help.
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Old 06-06-2019, 06:06 PM
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Lizlizzie2 it sounds like our sons are very similar....my son is going to have to use the public defender. He may get some assistance from the VA but we will see...I looked at everything and literally cannot pay for an attorney now. Maybe at some point I can try to get some advice (paid)...not sure on that yet. I’m just exhausted by it all
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Old 06-10-2019, 01:20 PM
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Lizlizzie2 it sounds like our sons are very similar....my son is going to have to use the public defender. He may get some assistance from the VA but we will see...I looked at everything and literally cannot pay for an attorney now. Maybe at some point I can try to get some advice (paid)...not sure on that yet. Iím just exhausted by it all
While they all carry a huge caseload, many public defenders are very good attorneys. I was surprised at how much my son knew about the process and that he was asking the right questions and making the correct choices, despite his addiction and state of mind. Since your son has been in the system before, he too probably knows more about the process and knows the things he should be asking and the best results he can get.

Despite being a paralegal, I didn't do much in criminal law, so my son knew more than I did. I hope you can find a means and a willing, experienced attorney to talk to you. It won't cure it, but for me it did help take some of the weight out of the exhaustion and worry.
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Old 06-18-2019, 04:28 PM
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I just wanted to jump back in and provide a bit of an update - really nothing particularly new but I am handling things a bit better. He isn’t able to call me but he keeps trying (it’s asking for money and I’ve told him I’m not doing that and am sticking to it). Not easy but I am. He has a court appearance next week and I may go to show support but am not sure yet - we got a bit of a curve ball yesterday with my husband being diagnosed with cancer and needing a pet scan and then surgery - if the surgery is the same date as court - I will be at the hospital with my husband. So we will see how that all plays out. He is still trying to finagle an attorney - but when I offered to sell his car so he could pay an attorney, he said no. I think he thought that I would cave but honestly - I’m not playing games here. I am not working and simply cannot do this. There is a certain amount of peace in being able to say “no” and honestly NOT being able to do it. I hope that he gets it this time and decides that his choices impact HIM negatively but we will see how that plays out as well.
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Old 06-19-2019, 07:09 AM
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Good for you for sticking by your decision to not pay for his *stuff*
And if you WANT to go to court, and you dont need to be at the hospital for your hubby, then go to court. But if you just dont feel like doing all that again, take a pass.
And DONT feel guilty for not going.
Interesting that he does not want to give up anything like his car yet expects you to give up your hard earned money for him. Why should you help him if he wont even help himself?



Im sorry for the cancer dx.
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Old 06-24-2019, 06:08 PM
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I agree with everything Sidewalker said. Go to court, if you want to; if it helps you cope with the situation. Him not being willing to sell his car to afford an attorney is so self-centered and sadly shows a lack of growth on his part despite him having been through so much.

If does seem like it never rains but it pours. Hang in there. Hope things end up with a positive outlook for your husband.
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