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Old 10-05-2009, 10:16 PM
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Default Real Talk 102 - One inmates "perspective"

Well, Some of you got the gist of what I intended from my first lesson. Others, ehhhh.... Got offended and defensive. Not my intention to make you feel like that.

This one is called: Guilt Tripping.

You know how it is. Your out here working your 9-to-5, taking care of your kids, his kids, bills, expenses, etc. Trying hard to keep things going, by yourself.

You have extremely rough days. Then you get a call from your loved one. He proceeds to talk about:
His cellmate, the mean ol' CO's, his jailhouse lawyers fullproof plan for his appeal, the bad food, etc.

Then, he asks you to send him some money; but, you just paid the high-ass phone bill. Money is tight.

You tell him it will be later next week, or next month, or he won't be getting any money at all.

You feel bad. He might let you know how you aren't helping him. He might not say anything about it. But, you hear it in his voice. Its different.

DO NOT FEEL BAD FOR A THING.

He put himself there.
When the judge sentenced him....your name wasn't on the paper.

I have seen women get slapped in visitation after driving 7 hours one-way, to visit his dumbass.

I have seen women get yelled at at visitation.

I have seen guys cuss their mates out over the phone.

I have seen guys break the phone.

You owe him nothing.
He should be appreciative of what you have/will/and can done/do for him. Just the fact that you think about him is a blessing.

Don't allow yourself to be used as a punching bag, because he went out and fucked his life up.
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Old 10-05-2009, 10:30 PM
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With all due respect, I think you are taking a somewhat 'extremist' position, and I feel the same with your first thread. For one thing, there are many inmates who have positive and productive relationships with their immediate family members and/or spouse/boy/girlfriend and they mutually help each other out. Not everyone in prison 'fucked their life up.' And there are many people who pay severe consequences for bad decisions that don't necessarily make them 'criminals' in the sense of the word that you refer to. That being said....

What about the man who works for UNICOR and sends his wife his 300/month earnings to help support her and his or her children?

What about the man who is on the phone with his wife thanking her and telling her how much he/she appreciates her unconditional love and support and is intent on making positive changes?

What about the woman who works her 9-9 job, 12 long hours, then gets that 15 minute call at 9:45 before lights out from the one person who lights up her life. I think your 'Real Talk' may be well intended but it's a little extreme in my opinion and not everyone falls into the scenarios you describe. I for one am certain there are hundreds of members here who are not cussed out, slapped, or treated disrepectfully by their mate. I am sure there are more who aren't in communication with their mate just for the comissary money they may be able to send them. And as for your advice to "not let yourself be a punching bag" from my readings of thousands of posts and getting to know a lot of members, I know there are PLENTY of woman who wouldn't and DON'T tolerate being taken advantage of or mistreated by their significant other, whether they're locked up or not. And also I will add I'm a guy but I refrained from commenting on your first thread, but I think your 'real talk' is not everyone's reality. I got arrested, I may go to jail, I made some pretty bad decisions but my life is surely not fucked up. In fact, it's better now then it ever was. That's the 'Real Talk' I have with myself everyday when I get up and face the challenges of daily life including exposure to the criminal justice system.
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  #3  
Old 10-05-2009, 10:43 PM
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Well said/written ABA, I totally agree with you ... and I do believe maybe the original intent was good on Damon's part but the posts (both of them) are just a little too negative for me it offers me no support. It could be because I would not tolerate with the things he speak of too strong of a woman for that I guess.
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Old 10-05-2009, 11:01 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aba_in_elpaso View Post
I think your 'Real Talk' may be well intended but it's a little extreme in my opinion and not everyone falls into the scenarios you describe.
And not everyone is leading fairy tale lives. I appreciate your response, as it was well thought out. But, I find it funny how the people who say I am extreme or wrong about my posting, seem to try to talk down to me. Like I have no idea what the fuck I am talking about. Like I am making this shit up. Like I just come on here, and make up these scenarios for no reason.
I just feel like there needs to be a little reality shed upon this board. I know there needs to be a balance, but this board is unbalanced.

I am glad that things are better for you in your life since you arrest. Trust that you are one of the rare ones who's life improves after incarceration. Most of us have to wear that badge of shame, that can and does hinder one's life upon release. But, if I need to type about sugardrops and rainbows so that I don't offend anyone... I can start.

I know that there are people that have amazing relationships while incarcerated. But, the opposite occurs more often than you acknowledge in your post.

When I made the punching bag statement... I meant EMOTIONALLY. I MEANT TO SAY: "DON'T ALLOW YOURSELF TO BECOME AN EMOTIONAL PUNCHING BAG".

I apologize to all who I "offended" by my posts. I thought that if things didn't apply to you, they shouldn't bother you. I guess you can only voice your opinion, or tell a story on here, if it involves butterlies, rainbows, and happy endings.
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Old 10-05-2009, 11:14 PM
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Hey Damon don't be so defensive. If you're here contributing, reading, or lurking on PTO chances are your life is not butterflies and rainbows. Mine isn't either, and my post doesn't imply that it is. All it says is that I'm trying to make lemonade out of lemons. What other choice do I/we have?

People who commit crimes and live and deal with the shame are the people who have a conscious and want to make changes and live right. And we come here to help us stay on the right path because it's a support group. It's a community founded on the ideal that people facing the most severe forms of adversity have a place to come where they can see the glass as half full and not half empty. That's a far cry from butterflies and rainbows. And maybe at the end of my road there will be a happy ending. I sure as hell hope so. That would be a lot better then some of the tragic endings we read about that our fellow members have experienced. And my heart bleeds for those people. My guilt and shame is manifest in those tragic endings.

I saw on your profile that you're an ex-inmate. I have yet to get to the end of my road in the criminal justice system but it is quite possible that I will one day be an inmate. I feel that I will do everything I can to prepare myself to come OUT of that experience without such trauma that my life is hindered to the extent you allude to upon release. Again, I'm not saying it's you go to prison, get out, and there's a pot of gold at the other side of the rainbow. But I'm not so bitter either. Keep going with your 'Real Talk' brother.....there's plenty of people here who probably agree and relate to what you're saying and identify with it. The rest can take what they want from it and move on. My REAL TALK to you is that a positive attitude is not a fairy tale. A positive attitude will help you deal with that guilt and shame you alluded to. A positive attitude will hopefully one day lead you to a life that if not butterflies and rainbows, then perhaps at the very least, as you posted above.....a happy ending. I wish you all the best, sincerely and whole-heartedly.
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Old 10-05-2009, 11:59 PM
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I agree Damon. Alot of people allow themselves to feel guilt over their inability to provide for their loved one. I have seen many posts where the women feel sooo bad over not being able to send money in these tough times and the men actually get mad at them. It's sad but true. As for trying to give someone a reality check good luck. Some people only hear what they want to hear and nothing more.
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Old 10-06-2009, 05:23 AM
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well,once again i do agree. what puzzles me i guess is women who moan and bellyache how awful their man treats them from behind bars. i want to say,huh?? wake up woman,and smell the coffee,he's locked up you can say stop it and step away for awhile if he continues verbally abusing you. my man also says he hears men cussing their women saying send them money and the pathetic thing about it he says is they STILL send it. so i agree with your post but i would like to balance it by saying there are plenty of women on here who do use the brain God gave them and they have boundaries,etc. when it comes to their men who are locked down. mine is an old head. he's no angel but we have a good relationship due in part because we BOTH have set boundaries. i think that can really help a woman if she makes what she's willing to tolerate very clear early on and then follows thru if the man disrespects her. I'd love to hear some of the good things you've seen. i'm sure in your decade behind bars you did see some success stories,however few they may be.
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Old 10-06-2009, 05:33 AM
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Couldn't of said it better


Quote:
Originally Posted by aba_in_elpaso View Post
With all due respect, I think you are taking a somewhat 'extremist' position, and I feel the same with your first thread. For one thing, there are many inmates who have positive and productive relationships with their immediate family members and/or spouse/boy/girlfriend and they mutually help each other out. Not everyone in prison 'fucked their life up.' And there are many people who pay severe consequences for bad decisions that don't necessarily make them 'criminals' in the sense of the word that you refer to. That being said....

What about the man who works for UNICOR and sends his wife his 300/month earnings to help support her and his or her children?

What about the man who is on the phone with his wife thanking her and telling her how much he/she appreciates her unconditional love and support and is intent on making positive changes?

What about the woman who works her 9-9 job, 12 long hours, then gets that 15 minute call at 9:45 before lights out from the one person who lights up her life. I think your 'Real Talk' may be well intended but it's a little extreme in my opinion and not everyone falls into the scenarios you describe. I for one am certain there are hundreds of members here who are not cussed out, slapped, or treated disrepectfully by their mate. I am sure there are more who aren't in communication with their mate just for the comissary money they may be able to send them. And as for your advice to "not let yourself be a punching bag" from my readings of thousands of posts and getting to know a lot of members, I know there are PLENTY of woman who wouldn't and DON'T tolerate being taken advantage of or mistreated by their significant other, whether they're locked up or not. And also I will add I'm a guy but I refrained from commenting on your first thread, but I think your 'real talk' is not everyone's reality. I got arrested, I may go to jail, I made some pretty bad decisions but my life is surely not fucked up. In fact, it's better now then it ever was. That's the 'Real Talk' I have with myself everyday when I get up and face the challenges of daily life including exposure to the criminal justice system.
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Old 10-06-2009, 07:18 AM
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I only have two points...

1) Please, clean up your language a little bit. It's not that I have virgin ears (eyes). But, some mods will point out to you that there are some that would be offended by the language and those under 18 that frequent these boards.

2) It seems that your heart is in the right place. But, a bit too negative.
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Old 10-06-2009, 07:55 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aba_in_elpaso View Post
With all due respect, I think you are taking a somewhat 'extremist' position, and I feel the same with your first thread. For one thing, there are many inmates who have positive and productive relationships with their immediate family members and/or spouse/boy/girlfriend and they mutually help each other out. Not everyone in prison 'fucked their life up.' And there are many people who pay severe consequences for bad decisions that don't necessarily make them 'criminals' in the sense of the word that you refer to. That being said....

What about the man who works for UNICOR and sends his wife his 300/month earnings to help support her and his or her children?

What about the man who is on the phone with his wife thanking her and telling her how much he/she appreciates her unconditional love and support and is intent on making positive changes?

What about the woman who works her 9-9 job, 12 long hours, then gets that 15 minute call at 9:45 before lights out from the one person who lights up her life. I think your 'Real Talk' may be well intended but it's a little extreme in my opinion and not everyone falls into the scenarios you describe. I for one am certain there are hundreds of members here who are not cussed out, slapped, or treated disrepectfully by their mate. I am sure there are more who aren't in communication with their mate just for the comissary money they may be able to send them. And as for your advice to "not let yourself be a punching bag" from my readings of thousands of posts and getting to know a lot of members, I know there are PLENTY of woman who wouldn't and DON'T tolerate being taken advantage of or mistreated by their significant other, whether they're locked up or not. And also I will add I'm a guy but I refrained from commenting on your first thread, but I think your 'real talk' is not everyone's reality. I got arrested, I may go to jail, I made some pretty bad decisions but my life is surely not fucked up. In fact, it's better now then it ever was. That's the 'Real Talk' I have with myself everyday when I get up and face the challenges of daily life including exposure to the criminal justice system.
If your man does all of these things, then obviously this thread does not apply to you
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Old 10-06-2009, 08:05 AM
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Okay all I get from this post is negativeness... Maybe or perhaps there are people who put up with that kind of verbal/mental abuse or perhaps physical. But what about those that don't? Most of us are well aware of reality and don't believe our relationships to be a happily ever after Cinderella story... Life is tough and the struggles within it are too. But one thing is for sure... a Hurricane can come at us and we still hold that smile regardless. A positive attitude is the only way to go. I see that your intent was good Damon, but try to be more positive. This is a support site and many come in here looking for encouragement, support, and motivation. We don't all live under a cloud of happiness and a rainbow with a pot of gold at the end. My husband is not demanding and does not ask me for anything cause he knows the struggles and challenges I face in life each day. If you really want to do a real talk then why don't you include positive stuff about the men in there that DO MAKE A DIFFERENCE in our lives and are understanding, caring, and trying their best to move on in life and get over the past that brought them there in the first place... It's just my 2 cents worth of an opinion.
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Old 10-06-2009, 08:20 AM
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Quote:
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If your man does all of these things, then obviously this thread does not apply to you

ABA stated that HE was an ex-prisoner.
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Old 10-06-2009, 10:34 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by a_coleman View Post
If your man does all of these things, then obviously this thread does not apply to you
TedEBare I'm not an ex-prisoner, I'm going through the process right now as I have a pending federal case. Whether or not I become a prisoner remains to be seen.

Hi...I am a man and a straight man, I just felt that Damon's sentiments are well intended, but the tone a bit negative and one-sided. I don't begrudge him for encouraging women to stay strong and not let them be taken advantage of....but I definitely tasted bitterness in his 2 threads and wanted him to know that 1) many people come here because it's a support group and although we can appreciate 'tough love' sometimes you get more with honey then you do with vinegar, and 2) not every woman who supports an inmate has the view that he did what he did to himself and is not worthy of any support, encouragement, and compassion and that there are people who are trying to make amends. I took from this 'Real Talk' that the offenders Damon grouped together were deserving of complete abandonment and I thought that was a little bit of an extremist view. Nevertheless I respect and support his right to post anything he likes, but like all of us I respectfully request the right to comment on the content and/or tone. And I felt it was a bit harsh, although you are correct, it does not personally apply to me. If and when it should, I would hope my girlfriend would stick by me and I'm sure she knows I'm not looking to take advantage of her for a few extra Ramen noodles or a pair of headphones.

Last edited by aba; 10-06-2009 at 10:36 AM.. Reason: clarity
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Old 10-06-2009, 11:53 AM
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Damon, I personally am loving these Real Talk threads you have started. Yes, you do portray a somewhat negative attitude towards the subjects at hand, BUT, sometimes I think it is important to see this from the other side. I love positivity, I am the queen of it, but sometimes that reality check is essential. I'll be the first to admit, there have been times that Adam has gotten all needy on me, and frustrated if I didnt handle this or that for him in that same day. Dude, I got a life out here too! Appreciate what I give you, not what I can't provide for you! And trust me, a few of those convos haven't been all nice, uppity, and positive. I think all Damon is trying to do here, is show that it's vital to understand your worth in this situation, and that not everything should be all about him. Look at the message, rather than the tone, and you might learn something from it Thanks Damon
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Old 10-06-2009, 12:17 PM
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Personally I want to thank Damon and Abe for having the guts to come on here and voice their differing opinions in the name of helping us women out. Thanks guys.
I neither found the posts negative or positive, I just found them somebody's opinions and because they didn't effect my life directly I didn't need to judge them as so.
I can deal with real talk, even it it's something I don't necessarily want to hear, I always deal on that level, so I say keep it up guys because negative or positive it's nice to hear from your perspectives Damon from you because you are a guy who has been incarcerated and have found your way out...it seems like you are still finding your way out here but we're here for you too.
Abe, as a man in general who admits to making some bad decisions who is aware they will effect more than himself. Good luck to you brother in your impending judgement day.

Staci
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Old 10-06-2009, 01:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Adams Lady View Post
Look at the message, rather than the tone, and you might learn something from it Thanks Damon

I agree that perhaps I didn't look beyond the tone of the message to get the greater message. Your point is well taken, although personally I would convey the message a bit differently. Perhaps after 10 years I can understand Damon's rough edges. And Adam's Lady, as you deal with the ups and downs of dealing with Adam's wants and needs I can understand that you relate to and appreciate the straight forward tone of his message.

I'm not here to argue or take a specific side to any issue...I'm here for the broad perspective each member/poster offers us and as has been written in countless threads, you take what you want from each offerring and move on I suppose. Thanks to all who participate in these discussions, the ability to vent (at the very least) or express ourselves is in my humble opinion, very therapeutic in and of itself.

And DAMON....I really hope you don't take my point of view personally brother. Whether I agree or not I still find value in the message you're trying to convey, as Adam's Lady pointed out above.

Last edited by aba; 10-06-2009 at 01:14 PM..
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Old 10-06-2009, 01:25 PM
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TedEBare I'm not an ex-prisoner, I'm going through the process right now as I have a pending federal case. Whether or not I become a prisoner remains to be seen.
Oops, sorry.
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Old 10-06-2009, 01:29 PM
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Look at the message, rather than the tone, and you might learn something from it Thanks Damon
Point taken. And, after looking at it that way, there does appear to be a very positive message there.

I think we tend to defend our loved ones to the point of not seeing when someone is giving US a boost up.
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Old 10-06-2009, 01:42 PM
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Aba & TedE, I saw exactly where you two were coming from as well. In fact, I have seen a lot of good points made on this thread coming from all different angles! Each of us have a different role in this community, and each of us have something different to bring to the table. I gotta say, it is very rare that I don't find meaning in someone's post. Whether I agree with someone or not isn't the point. The point, to me, is to understand that there ARE different ways in looking at things, and different ways to convey messages. Anyways, I am getting completely off track here, so lets get back to the original subject, sorry for the rambling!
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Old 10-06-2009, 03:02 PM
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although Damon might have come off alittle strong in his posts.... he does make sum pretty strong points. there are tons of women daily who are being taken advantage of by their other half who is incarcerated.... the points he has spoken of isnt a negative side he is bringing up to just bring it up... its something that he himself has SEEN!!! people have left him reply posts to ''lead by example'' and he is responding accordingly doing just that the best way he can considering this is the internet.....
to: ABA, ur not an inmate yet but best believe nothing u can learn on the internet hun will ever prepare you for the things your about to encounter in prison!!! so if a little rough talk from Damon set u off, then boy do u need a to find a better hobby than breakin the law so that u wont have to find out the harsh truth behind the walls. its funny how people always state they only want the truth and nothing but... then they get it from a first hand source and suddenly that truth becomes ''offensive or to hard to handle on the ears or eyes!!'' when all i really see is people only offeneded because someone dug up truths that are more than likely to close to home......to them only does the truth hurt.
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Old 10-06-2009, 03:08 PM
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i wasn't offended and i know you're right that nothing on the internet will prepare you for the reality of life in prison. but i think there's valuable information and a sense of optimism we can take in to that environment so we can come out prepared to not make the same mistakes again. that's how i look at it. but i'm sure you're right and that it's much, much easier said then done. thanks for telling it like it is.
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Old 10-06-2009, 07:01 PM
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hmmmm...My mans an angel then he doesnt do any of these things and thank GOD for that, but with that being said its not only the inmate to blame its the woman to for not standing up for herself and knowing she's worth more,Id be dam if any man not just one behind bars treated me that way, I would love to see any man try and disrespect me in that manner.I love you posts keep posting...and ladies remember a man will only go as far as you let him.We have to know how to set our boundaries as well, if not a man could easily trample all over us.
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Old 10-06-2009, 07:18 PM
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i agree completely w. loveispatient - a man will only go as far as you let him. a man will only do what you allow him to do. i like these posts damon so i think you should keep them going! anyone who doesn't like it, simply doesn't have to read them. that's all.
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Old 10-07-2009, 07:16 AM
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Quote:
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its funny how people always state they only want the truth and nothing but... then they get it from a first hand source and suddenly that truth becomes ''offensive or to hard to handle on the ears or eyes!!'' when all i really see is people only offeneded because someone dug up truths that are more than likely to close to home......to them only does the truth hurt.
I have to respectfully disagree. Not everyone's truth is the same. I stated I was "somewhat" offend by his posts and here are the two main reasons:

1. *I* DO have my priorities straight! (Who is to judge me anyway?)

2. My man has NOT F***ed his life up!

Those are my truths. I could go on to say more, but I don't know how to type it without sounding "snotty" and I'm not trying to come off like that. It's neither here nor there, but just wanted to state why *I* was offended.

I have to agree with Adam's Lady that it is good to get all these different viewpoints and everyone has something to offer.

Damon, although I don't care for your "teaching" style....I can respect the lesson you are trying to teach. I am curious though, as to how many are actually going to apply the lesson you taught about posting meaningful threads? It seems like a lot of people are in agreement that we need to be talking about more in depth subjects. I am excited to see if your lesson does bring about change to the board or not. I do think that would be a good change. I haven't seen anything new yet. (I know, change takes time.) I'll be on the lookout for new in depth meaningful posts........

Best wishes.
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Old 10-07-2009, 08:37 AM
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I suppose it is at this point that it is confirmed, I married a genuine sweetheart! He never ask me for money. When I tell him I sent it, he always says why, you know they have to feed me something and give me water. Take care of you and the kids. Dont worry about me. There is not always money on the phone account and he never stresses. However, with that said.. If he were to ever lay his hands on me, that would be the last time he ever seen me..especially with him on the inside. No way, would I allow him to treat me that way. I have learned over the years that YOU ARE TREATED THE WAY YOU ALLOW PEOPLE TO TREAT YOU! So I would imagine that these ladies/men that allow these men/women to treat them this way have little self worth. Its a very sad thing to not understand that we are beautiful and valuable creations from the Father Above!
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