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Straight Talk The general Ex-Offender discussion forum. If you have done time, this forum is for you.

View Poll Results: Is it reasonable to expect a long-term male inmate to be faithful upon release?
Yes, if a man is truly in love he will be faithful whether he was in prison a long time or not 281 92.43%
No, she should understand and accept he may want to "sow his oats" after being inside so long 23 7.57%
Voters: 304. You may not vote on this poll

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  #26  
Old 07-26-2009, 12:00 PM
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Hmmm, I think both you and CharlottesLove are heading for a big fall....


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Originally Posted by SugarGirl View Post
I think it's completely fair to expect faithfulness. Maybe not as realistic if this is already coming up before he is out of prison. That is a big red flag.

I'm not sharing my guy sexually with anybody.
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Old 08-21-2009, 07:52 PM
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I think it depends on the person. You can't lump the experience of one person to whole group of people. There cheaters in both genders, in all races, whether they did a day or 30yrs. I believe all people have control over their actions. And, i'm ask all the tough questions, before hand, and i'm watch and obsevere during his transition. Will it work i don't know, how could you know? No one has any control over another person. Prison changes each individual the way that person allows it too. But, just as with any other habit, or situation we were force to do, is a thing called change. We all have the ability to change something we don't like. So, you should hold your partner accountable for their actions. If they cheat, then you leave. That's that.
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  #28  
Old 09-24-2009, 12:48 PM
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Originally Posted by damon View Post
i did 9 1/2 years, from age 18-28. I was some what sexually active before i went to prison. My girl when i went in, had 3 kids during that time. Her concept of "holding me down" lasted about 6 months. \

no hard feelings.

I am home now. I am married and don't cheat on my wife. I had a few encounters when i did come home. But, i am commited to my relationship now.


Who knows what your man will do. All you can do, is be faithful yourself. If he does you dirty when he comes home, at least you can feel good with the fact that you tried your hardest; instead of hoping he doesn't find out about what you've been doing between writing all those sweet letters.
good for u damon!! ur what this world needs a good n faithful man!! wink wink!!
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  #29  
Old 03-08-2010, 12:34 PM
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I am an ex offender ,and do identify with your concerns.i went into prison at age 18 and married someone while in prison.now please dont misconstrue what im about to say,most men who meet women while in prison,and build a relationship on paper,are doing so to have a connection with the outside world,and also for visits, $,and parole reasons.why is it that a woman is intrested in meeting someone in prison?maybe there are underlying needs of her own ,who knows,but unless a man is born again and is truly a servant of the lord,you are only setting yourself up to be hurt,so beware.lonliness is a hungry foe that devours everytrhing that comes along.i married a woman in prison,only for the wrong reasons,not long after the lord convicted my heart and i confessed to her.we are freinds today,but i never want to hurt anyone like that again.you sound like a very nice lady,and its my earnest prayer that the lord will lead you in the way to go.good luck.
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  #30  
Old 04-30-2010, 07:57 PM
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Default 12 years down, five years free....and married!

Hello Charlotte,
My name is Michael Dodge. I was incarcerated in 1993 and was released in 2005. I had not been with a woman in 12 years from the age 22 untill 34. When I got out to be honest sex was the farthest from my mind since I was mainly thinking what in the world was I going to do. Every job I went to & filled out an app I was turned away because of being a felon. I was staying at my sisters house on the couch and filling like shit because of the life I had chosen in the past. It was all really starting to come to me how bad I screwed my life up. To be honest in a weird way I wanted to go back to prison to rid the feelings I had. Prison can really psychologicly screw some one up. But then I met Jennifer (my wife) and we were married months after my release. I have been with her almost five years now and have "NEVER" cheated on her. Sure, I have women flirting with me,etc. But that has never made me cheat on her. Since 1993 Jennifer is the only woman I've been with.I think it depends on the person you connect with. If you find a good man who has been incarcerated who truely loves you I'm sure he would stay faithful.But if a person really has worrys like "WILL HE/SHE CHEAT ON ME" perhaps getting in a relationship with an excon is not for them. Find some one who has never seen the insides of a jail/prison with good values & fall in love.Were the captains of our own ships.We choose what we want. If you get mixxed up with an excon and that person cheats on you then don't be mad,sad, or what ever. Because you chose to go down that road in the first place.Allot of us xcons went through allot of hell behind those walls.Our minds are all over the place when thrown back out in the world. Thats why most don't make it. But I did. And I have a good woman who I have no desire to cheat on. Why? I have what I need at home. Why find another woman? Mike "BIG TEX".
Quote:
Originally Posted by CharlotteLoves View Post
This is something extensively debated in other forums and I'm hoping to get the honest opinions of people who have actually been inside.

Do you think it is reasonable to expect a man who has been incarcerated many years and then released to be physically faithful to only one woman? The woman who "held him down" waiting on the release to happen so they could be together?

If you think yes, add to the equation that the man went in at a young age
without the opportunity to have had a lot of sexual experience prior to his incarceration that he might otherwise have had before deciding to marry. He's released in his 30's or 40's. Is it fair for the woman in love with him to expect him to come out to her and not feel a need to at least experiement sexually with another woman or women besides her?

Should she not be surprised if he decides to have at least one liason after his release even if he does appear to love her in other ways and indicates he wishes to stay partnered with her over the long-term?

Is faithfulness fair for her to expect of such a person?
Is faithfulness realistic for her to expect?
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  #31  
Old 04-30-2010, 09:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Big Tex View Post
Hello Charlotte,
My name is Michael Dodge. I was incarcerated in 1993 and was released in 2005. I had not been with a woman in 12 years from the age 22 untill 34. When I got out to be honest sex was the farthest from my mind since I was mainly thinking what in the world was I going to do. Every job I went to & filled out an app I was turned away because of being a felon. I was staying at my sisters house on the couch and filling like shit because of the life I had chosen in the past. It was all really starting to come to me how bad I screwed my life up. To be honest in a weird way I wanted to go back to prison to rid the feelings I had. Prison can really psychologicly screw some one up. But then I met Jennifer (my wife) and we were married months after my release. I have been with her almost five years now and have "NEVER" cheated on her. Sure, I have women flirting with me,etc. But that has never made me cheat on her. Since 1993 Jennifer is the only woman I've been with.I think it depends on the person you connect with. If you find a good man who has been incarcerated who truely loves you I'm sure he would stay faithful.But if a person really has worrys like "WILL HE/SHE CHEAT ON ME" perhaps getting in a relationship with an excon is not for them. Find some one who has never seen the insides of a jail/prison with good values & fall in love.Were the captains of our own ships.We choose what we want. If you get mixxed up with an excon and that person cheats on you then don't be mad,sad, or what ever. Because you chose to go down that road in the first place.Allot of us xcons went through allot of hell behind those walls.Our minds are all over the place when thrown back out in the world. Thats why most don't make it. But I did. And I have a good woman who I have no desire to cheat on. Why? I have what I need at home. Why find another woman? Mike "BIG TEX".

This was VERY well put. Thank you so much for sharing.
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  #32  
Old 07-03-2010, 11:06 PM
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Default Sexual Monogamy

The capacity for love may be the most "human" thing about us. In fact, anthropologists commonly report long term, stable partnerships between men and women - that said, there is a tendency to confuse love with sex (and vice-versa) which leads to immense suffering.

What's most important in any relationship is knowledge, introspection, and honesty. IMHO, it's helpful for people to focus more on the realities of what human beings are and a bit less on the religious and cultural mythologies concerning what we should be and should feel. What individuals or couples do with this information (if anything) is up to them.

Several factors conspire to make long-term sexual monogamy difficult for people. As a species, we’ve evolved to be sexually responsive to novelty. From a genetic point of view, the lure of new partners (known to scientists as the Coolidge effect) combined with less responsiveness to the familiar (the Westermarck effect) motivated our ancestors to risk leaving their small hunter/gatherer societies to join other groups, thus avoiding incest and bringing crucial genetic vigor to future generations. This is hard-wired into us at a very deep level.

Another problem is that most people in the West marry because they’re “in love,” which is always a temporary, blissfully delusional state we should enjoy, but not expect to last forever. As the German poet, Goethe put it, “Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing. A confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished.”

Biologists distinguish sexual monogamy from social monogamy. As DNA testing has grown cheaper in recent years, we’ve learned that most species formerly classified as “monogamous” (primarily birds) are socially monogamous, but not sexually so. In other words, they form pairs that cooperatively care for that season’s brood of young, but the male may well not be the biological father. Applied to humans, we argue that a more flexible approach to sexual fidelity can increase marital stability and thus lead to greater social and family stability.

Actually, most animals would consider us the sex maniacs. Almost all animals have sex only for reproduction—just when the female is ovulating. But humans (and our closely related cousins, the bonobos) have sex for an endless list of reasons. We do it for fun, for pleasure, for money, to cement a friendship, for ego gratification, to relax, to seal a business deal or political alliance (think of arranged royal marriages), and yes, sometimes even to make babies. If you consider the ratio of copulations per birth, humans and bonobos are off the charts. Then, if you add all the hours spent fantasizing, remembering, planning, masturbating, porn and soap-opera watching, romance novel reading . . . .

You might then ask, "Even if you’re right that humans aren’t “naturally” monogamous, we’re conscious beings with free will to decide how we live, so what’s wrong with simply choosing to be monogamous?"

And the response would be; "Nothing, as long as we fully understand and accept the costs involved in choosing behavior that conflicts with how we evolved. For example, you might happily choose to work the night shift, but the resulting disruption of your circadian clock will increase your risk of cancer, cardio-vascular disease, gastric disorders, and so on no matter how committed you are to your decision. Similarly, we can choose to wear tight corsets, or ill-fitting shoes, or to live on chili-dogs and ice cream, but because all these behaviors run counter to our evolved nature they will cost us over time. Like celibacy, lifelong sexual monogamy is something we can certainly choose, but it should be an informed decision."

And for the person who wrote, "I'm not sharing my guy sexually with anybody" - it reminded me that the tighter we try to hold on to someone, the more likely it is they will pull-away or resist that control.
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  #33  
Old 08-13-2010, 05:36 PM
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yes i think he should stay faithful because i am being faithful out here he should be faithful in there. But he isnt like that any ways but thats my oppinion on it
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  #34  
Old 08-17-2010, 07:06 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Big Tex View Post
Hello Charlotte,
My name is Michael Dodge. I was incarcerated in 1993 and was released in 2005. I had not been with a woman in 12 years from the age 22 untill 34. When I got out to be honest sex was the farthest from my mind since I was mainly thinking what in the world was I going to do. Every job I went to & filled out an app I was turned away because of being a felon. I was staying at my sisters house on the couch and filling like shit because of the life I had chosen in the past. It was all really starting to come to me how bad I screwed my life up. To be honest in a weird way I wanted to go back to prison to rid the feelings I had. Prison can really psychologicly screw some one up. But then I met Jennifer (my wife) and we were married months after my release. I have been with her almost five years now and have "NEVER" cheated on her. Sure, I have women flirting with me,etc. But that has never made me cheat on her. Since 1993 Jennifer is the only woman I've been with.I think it depends on the person you connect with. If you find a good man who has been incarcerated who truely loves you I'm sure he would stay faithful.But if a person really has worrys like "WILL HE/SHE CHEAT ON ME" perhaps getting in a relationship with an excon is not for them. Find some one who has never seen the insides of a jail/prison with good values & fall in love.Were the captains of our own ships.We choose what we want. If you get mixxed up with an excon and that person cheats on you then don't be mad,sad, or what ever. Because you chose to go down that road in the first place.Allot of us xcons went through allot of hell behind those walls.Our minds are all over the place when thrown back out in the world. Thats why most don't make it. But I did. And I have a good woman who I have no desire to cheat on. Why? I have what I need at home. Why find another woman? Mike "BIG TEX".
Wow that is awesome I know that my husband is a good man as you are
I look forward to spending the rest our lives together! Every one just needs some one understands loves and accepts them for who they are!
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  #35  
Old 08-26-2010, 10:42 AM
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It depends on the man
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Old 08-26-2010, 01:22 PM
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It depends on the man
That sure is true!
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  #37  
Old 08-28-2010, 11:11 AM
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I know I have found a good Man. But who knows what the future holds for anyone, if he really loves you all the temptations in the world won't mean a thing, He will stay faithful to you.
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Old 09-10-2010, 09:33 AM
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I know I have found a good Man. But who knows what the future holds for anyone, if he really loves you all the temptations in the world won't mean a thing, He will stay faithful to you.
That's actually not the case. The psychological dynamics of "cheating" often has nothing to do with how much someone does or doesn't "love you." People are only capably of loving to the degree that they have learned it, or witnessed it in their own lives. People who grew up in dysfunctional families often learn some very stilted ideas about what "love" means.

One very common dynamic with men is to "cheat" (I think that's a silly word, since love isn't a card game, but will use it for the sake of time) to see whether or not their partner will forgive them, or whether they can get away with it, or because they have a self-sabatage agenda...

Also, you should know that very often the "balance" of relationship is so overwhelming to some men, that the moment they are out of prison, they chafe under the pressure to show how much they love their partner, or find themselves incapable of meeting the unrealistic expectations many women have for "their man" being some kind of romantic guy from a dime-store novel - and high-tail it back to prison at the first opportunity.

Over the years I have seen this happen literally hundreds of times...No one wins in these cases...but none of it has anything to do with "love"...
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Old 10-05-2010, 05:07 PM
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CharlotteLoves:

Quote:
The woman who "held him down" waiting on the release to happen so they could be together?
Many now married woman not even in the context of prison circumstance could learn a lesson from this lady who truly understands loyalty and commitment. Why assume presumption in her behalf.? I think we should be positive and add to her positive outlook. If she thinks he's worth it, why do we need to one-up her judgement?

Clevus
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Old 12-10-2010, 05:15 AM
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loved gsr's desciption of what it is like to get back in life after a long term. I just want to add a couple of things. I have allways enjoyed the company of females more than males. maybe because of all the years that I had to spend in mens company. I know that when I was young and I would get out; I would be like a kid in a candy store. Trying to make up for lost time, trying to get as much in the bank as I could because I knew it was just a matter of time. plus I was just a real horny kid to much for most women. There was allways that special one that got all my love. then there were the ones that got, well you know. I would make it clear in the begening that if I did'nt get any questions I would'nt have to tell any lies. I'm not saying I was right in fact I realize now I was a real dick. but I was out front and I tryed to be respectful by being discrete keeping that stuff away from home. This was all befor aids. that put a whole knew twist on things, it was'nt just fun and games any more. Sex became something that could kill me and jeperdize my women.
Amongst the many thing I would miss was physical and yes emotional intamicy because these were also things that wer'nt happening in prision unless you swong another way. I hope you can get something out of this. I can't speak for anyone else but this was the way it was for me. Hope it all work out for you! with lov Sonnyb3
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Old 12-15-2010, 12:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CharlotteLoves View Post
Is faithfulness fair for her to expect of such a person?
Is faithfulness realistic for her to expect?

Of course it's fair. Whether it's realistic or not depends on how much impulse control the man has.

I think it's fair to say that most people that have good impulse control are able to resist the urges to engage in behavior that results in incarceration.

That said, people can change their outlook and develop the ability to make good long-term decisions.

So yeah, it depends on the guy.

Good luck.

-SC
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Old 01-04-2011, 10:53 PM
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Absolutely it is fair and realistic for her to expect him to be faithful! Love includes sacrifice. Why would a man need to shop around when he already has a lover and a friend that he plans on making his life partner? If he wants to shop around, then he is not ready to settle down, and that would be understandable as well, ao long as he is not in a committed relationship when he decides to wander. But if already in a committed relationship...he can realistically be expected to be just as faithful as any other man (or woman, for that matter).
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Old 01-04-2011, 11:13 PM
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Absolutely it is fair and realistic for her to expect him to be faithful! Love includes sacrifice. Why would a man need to shop around when he already has a lover and a friend that he plans on making his life partner? If he wants to shop around, then he is not ready to settle down, and that would be understandable as well, ao long as he is not in a committed relationship when he decides to wander. But if already in a committed relationship...he can realistically be expected to be just as faithful as any other man (or woman, for that matter).
The trick is that many men do not define their relationship as a "committed relationship..." it's the woman who defines the relationship that way - the guy can say "Baby, baby I love you and you're the only one for me..." blah, blah, blah...but if his behavior doesn't back that up it's not a committed relationship, at least on HIS part.

For a lot of these guys, just going to prison is the first clue that they're thinking about themselves first, not their "partner." Sure, stuff happens, but if it becomes a pattern (like twice) - this is not going to be a person who's going to prioritize you and your hopes and dreams down the road.

And, from a male perspective - I don't think a lot of women get how the whole "my man" thing freaks guys out. They want to think they're the one and only (just like you do), but they also hate to be owned or tied down, because at some level (different levels depending on the guys maturity and development) they resent the restrictions it represents to them.

Interestingly, on a deeper psychological level the same is true for a lot (not all, of course) of gals who are attracted to men in prison - they want the emotional and psychological stuff of a relationship - but not the inconvenience of having to deal with a partner day in and day out. Having your significant other in prison, often miles away, means you can pretty much do as you please and not have to deal with the real issues of intimacy, transformation, change - and all that those kinds of relationships entails.

So, much of the relationship is lived in a cerebral world - which is one of the reasons why so many relationships go south once the guy is released and the reality of each others "stuff" has to be dealt with in an immediate, day to day way. That's a real challenge for a lot of people, and I think, more of a challenge for the guys in many ways.
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  #44  
Old 03-10-2011, 06:50 PM
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Hmm….I’ve never cheated on any woman that I was involved with before or after prison. That’s not my deal. The consequences are too much to bear even if I am the only one of the 2 us who knows about it and I am not a hard person to read. I know one thing for sure; women who dig guys that have been to prison don’t grow on trees. If you want to keep someone in your life that you are blessed to have then you best be mindful of just how hard it can get living life alone with no one to love or call your own.
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  #45  
Old 03-16-2011, 12:32 PM
Vixen311 Vixen311 is offline
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well that sparked a big discussion didn't it?! You know that subject has been going round and round in my head. I just don't know it could go either way. In my heart of hearts i would have a hard time believing the guy that went in young and did a long stretch would want to be faithfull,he's gonna be runnin' wild for a minute. Can't blame him and at the same time you can especialy if you were there for him. I think i would let it slide if it was a one time screw up. But not if it was gonna be the way of life with him.
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Old 03-16-2011, 12:34 PM
Vixen311 Vixen311 is offline
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i to wish some male ex-offenders would tell us their view on this subject.
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Old 03-26-2011, 07:40 PM
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I know in my case, I didn't have anyone while I was inside - Yeah, there were plenty of other men that wanted to be with me - for companionship and ... conjugal reasons, however I distanced myself from everyone.

Once out, it took me about 6 months before I found I could really attach to anyone.

The hardest thing for me inside was being alone - and thats my inspiration to keep loyal to her & stay on the "right" side of the law.
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Old 03-31-2011, 10:41 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gsr67 View Post
I have no problem commenting as an ex inmate but theres so many variables to really think about. The word realistic is not really the correct word to use in order to get a true answer though.You would have to expect different results based on different circumstances. Some of those circumstances being age(as some have already pointed out ) and an even bigger factor i believe is age + how many times they have been inside. If older ( im using early 40s and older in my eqauation) and first time and faithful on the outside then yes its very realistic. Unfortunately statistics would probably say that this is a very small majority of those inside. If younger and doing a second or more time inside then most likely not . Theres definately a anti social aspect to them(and im not using anti social as a diagnosis but more of a attitude) and a very selfish outlook. those who go back on probabtion or parole violation arnt just being stupid or have a assinine po but more so a lack of repsect or thought to those who they have a responsiblity to outside of themselves. This being as it is i would expect a large number to cheat or decide that the relationship is not what they want when released. Hopefully they would be upfront and open about it but alas most wont be .

Now on the other hand the expectations of those waiting on those inside to get released i also belive arnt very realistic . The process of getting out and re-entering society is not really so much tough a s it is strange and akward. where as the woman who has been waiting wants affection and in some ways smothering it is very much the exact opposite of what the ex-inmate needs or can even handle. remember whether it was a short sentence or a long one they have literally had no time at all whatsoever by themselves. It is a long process that if done right can work out beautifully . everything once out becomes a first again . First time driving first pizza,chinese, being waited on and so on and so on . Some of the simplest things are so huge to that person. But when they cant really do that it becomes frustrating and thats where problems will arise. I believe from experience that most mwi will not work(i did not have one but on the whole most where i was were just playing games . Some had good intentions but there w as no way opnce relaesed they wanted a relationship.)

Sex... This might cause alot of arguments but its not the biggest thing once released. Most always talk about it inside and from many posts on here the ones waiting a lso . The problem is that its not a physical thing ints a emotional and intimacy thing being missed and craved. The physical release of an orgasm can be obtained by both sides while apart and does. Its the intimacy that is not talked about inside but really is the underlying thing being said. The problem is that upon release intimacy is not possible immediately .

Any way those my my thoughts and opinions absed upon not just my experience but what i experienced inside. My time was not horrible and wasnt permantely institutionalized mentally yet it has taken a long slow time to really feel normal again . I chose to take things slow and it has worked pretty w ell so far but it isnt easy and is still an ongoing process. There is hope and it is possible but everyone must understand that it takes time, luck and alot of understanding. Something very hard to give from both sides
My husband and I have been reading this post together. GSR67 has pretty much hit the nail on the head...It is not so much the relationship or the faithfulness in question...Point blank if a person loves someone truly, they are going to remain faithful (incarcerated or not). The problems come in with the smothering. Incarcerated, people do not touch you. They do not wait on you hand and foot ( and if they do, well we all pretty much know what was leading to that). One can not simply make a phone call, send a text message, get in the car to get away while incarcerated. When you come home, you have to get used to the privileges that freedom brings that you were denied incarcerated. In all honesty, inmates (males and females) know if they will be faithful when they get out. Just like for everyone, being unfaithful is a decision. Whether they choose to be or not is all on them. In reality, one ought to think about their expectations and see if they match with what the reality of life is.

Being faithful for my husband and I has not been a problem, relating at times has been. There have been times that I have been overwhelmed and just could not describe what I was feeling and thinking to him. He could not help me because he could not understand what I was going through. I was never rejecting my husband, I just needed time to assimilate all that I was dealing with and relearning. To him, it felt like I was rejecting him because I was not sharing. Fortunately, we knew it had to be dealt with. If the situation had been left unchecked, what's to say that one or the other of us would not have turned to someone else who might have had more understanding? But once again, that would have led to the choice to be unfaithful.

For some reason, we (both sides of the fence) think it will be a relatively simple thing to get out, go home and start life. It's not that simple because we never figure in the mental effects that incarcerations leaves you with. While you may have experience in living life before becoming incarcerated, you suddenly discover that you have been living in a time vaccum while incarcerated and life has left you behind. I really believe this is why some mwi relationships don't make it because they are based on the what was and what could be and not the what it has actually turned out to be, which is not near as nice as we dreamed (thought) it would be.

Thanks for listening to my opinion all.
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Old 06-20-2011, 08:49 AM
heartfriend heartfriend is offline
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I'm not a male, but a female offender locked up for over 4 years. I did not partake of any sexual overtures made and I DIDN'T have someone to which I'd pledged fidelity waiting on me. I don't care if you do or do not have a lot of sexual experience when you go in, if you say you will be faithful, do it. Sex is not based on deprivation, inexperience or physical urges when it relates to a "relationship", whether it's one developed inside or out. You control you and your sexual desires. If you want something other or more than what you have pledged to, say so, break-up, whatever, but do not "blame prison" on your desires to have more than what you have.
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  #50  
Old 06-30-2011, 10:01 AM
Kenneth_Lorie Kenneth_Lorie is offline
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Ok my man came home a year ago and I have to say that this subject came up a couple of times before he came home. He promised that he would always be faithful and I was all he needed. He said that and I know he meant it at the time. They get out and there are so many women out here. He was built coming home and the ladies love that. It's something they have to go through if they went down at an early age. Mine was 25 at the time of his conviction. I know this man loves me beyond any reason but he cheats. He ask me to stand by him till he gets it out of his system. This is the hardest thing I have ever done, to sit back and do nothing while he is cheating, Dont get me wrong I just did not roll over and play dead on this subject. We went through hell and we still are. Its hurtful to the woman that stayed down with him, was faithful during that time. Then he comes out and we are done this way. Love is a bitch at times
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