Welcome to the Prison Talk Online Community! Take a Minute and Sign Up Today!






Go Back   Prison Talk > FOR "OFFENDERS" > Straight Talk
Register Entertainment FAQ Calendar Mark Forums Read

Straight Talk The general Ex-Offender discussion forum. If you have done time, this forum is for you.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #51  
Old 09-13-2007, 12:43 PM
Chula0422's Avatar
Chula0422 Chula0422 is offline
Account Closed
 

Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: ```
Posts: 1,724
Thanks: 23
Thanked 26 Times in 16 Posts
Default

I am so so happy you are back. Welcome. Your words enthrall me. Thank you for coming back! Missed you!
Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
  #52  
Old 09-13-2007, 03:49 PM
FriscoLady's Avatar
FriscoLady FriscoLady is offline
Account Closed
Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Out there somewhere
Posts: 9,629
Thanks: 2,289
Thanked 2,385 Times in 1,088 Posts
Default

dhook,

You are doing something that whether you admit or not takes courage. I know how hard this is for you for I cannot write of my experiences in prison without bringing back all the memories that I had hoped to shed by writing of my prison days.

I want you to know that I and others are going to keep an eye on this thread for you, there will not be a repeat of what happened before.

God Bless you and stay strong, you are truly letting the light in to a dark room, sometimes when that light hits what is there it hurts, but as someone else said it also helps lesson the pain.

Patti
Reply With Quote
  #53  
Old 09-13-2007, 06:31 PM
dhookemhorns200 dhookemhorns200 is offline
Banned
 

Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas USA
Posts: 92
Thanks: 0
Thanked 363 Times in 57 Posts
Default

August 10th

fuck this place.. "we want to help you" we want to reabalitate you" screw you this place is a shithole, where the COs are just as crooked as us inmates. got my commisary today, went to rec and then its gone. and nobody in this fuckin room knows anything about it.. my white ass they dont know.. not like it was tacos and burritos you fuckin spicks.. i talked to donna and she said just buy more stuff.. she must think i can just walk to the hall to the circle k and get what ever i want.. earth to donna it dont work that way in here.. ive got to wait anther week. im so pissed i need to continue writting or im gonna lose it.. why does all this shit have to happen to me in my life.. god knows i brought most of it on.. but i mind my own business keep to myself.. fuck this im getting to the bottom of this.. im not gonna let this pass if i do they will continue to do it..

11:05pm
amazing what a little going crazy will do.. got all my stuff back except my 2 orange drinks. oh well i dont really need that crap anyway.. this place is a test.. people want to see what they can do to get to you and see what they can get away with.. and if you let them they will own you before you leave this place.. i really need to see my kids.. my heart hurts so bad.. i talk to them and put on this big front.. tell them oh daddy is doing great.. but treally im scared to death and lonely, and need my family.. Madison told me tonight that i was her SUPERDAD.. and when ever she gets scared or upset she just thinks about me fling through the air to rescue her from what ever is bothering her.. but what she dosent know is she is the super one here.. (personal note: i remember this night well after the talk with madison i went to the shower and just cried my eyes out. i think that was one of the hardest nights of my stay. her thinking im superdad and if she only knew how vunlerable i was at that time. my kids are truly amazing. wow im tearing up right now just thinking about it.. i need to find her and give her a hug) she is a amazing little girl. i promise i will make this all up to her and all of them when i get home.. i just wish donna understood how hard it really is in here. the adjustment period seems to be neverending.. well im tired and it late.. until next time Mr Journal im out..
Reply With Quote
  #54  
Old 09-13-2007, 07:01 PM
txgal txgal is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Texas, USA
Posts: 4
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
Default

Thank you for posting your journal. My man did time there before he was transferred to an FPC last year and his early letters sounded a lot like what you went thru.
Reply With Quote
  #55  
Old 09-13-2007, 07:13 PM
poohbearpr's Avatar
poohbearpr poohbearpr is offline
One Day At A Time
 

Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Missouri, USA
Posts: 2,378
Thanks: 103
Thanked 253 Times in 214 Posts
Default

I just want to thank you for posting this. It is not only an insight to me, but very theraputic for you as well. I can't wait to read more, so keep on posting for us!
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #56  
Old 09-14-2007, 12:47 AM
HardHeadedWoman's Avatar
HardHeadedWoman HardHeadedWoman is offline
California Dreaming

Easter Egg Hunt 2013 - Participant 

 

Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 3,363
Thanks: 366
Thanked 1,474 Times in 750 Posts
Default

WOW! first time I've had this happen. I was posting my response to a different thread and it disappeared and now its on this one?? lol. least i still had time to edit!

No I havent gone completely nuts lol. I edited the post but couldnt leave it blank lol
__________________




Last edited by HardHeadedWoman; 09-14-2007 at 01:29 AM..
Reply With Quote
  #57  
Old 09-14-2007, 10:49 AM
Pantasia's Avatar
Pantasia Pantasia is offline
Registered User
Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: florida
Posts: 483
Thanks: 1
Thanked 7 Times in 7 Posts
Default

I want to thank you for the amazing insight that you are providing. Thanks for sharing.
Reply With Quote
  #58  
Old 09-14-2007, 11:18 AM
rk1978 rk1978 is offline
rk1978
 

Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Florida
Posts: 171
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
Default

It takes courage and strength to do this and relive the hell you went thru. Thank you for sharing, it means so much to me, to know how you felt everyday in there helps me to understand what my friend has gone thruogh. I can't say thank you enough for your journal posts.
Reply With Quote
  #59  
Old 09-14-2007, 01:23 PM
karen's Avatar
karen karen is offline
Registered User
Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: TX USA
Posts: 1,867
Thanks: 939
Thanked 1,620 Times in 641 Posts
Default

Great read! I hope all is going well for you.
KAren
__________________


Reply With Quote
  #60  
Old 09-14-2007, 01:52 PM
BrandNewGirl's Avatar
BrandNewGirl BrandNewGirl is offline
Loving Life Now!!
 

Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Texas, USA
Posts: 5,462
Thanks: 289
Thanked 212 Times in 122 Posts
Default

D, I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes reading this. It's hard, but I'm so glad you've started this. My love to you, Donna, and the kids.

Nance
__________________
"No one is ever completely useless. You can always stuff their butt full of candy, tie them to the ceiling, and hit them like a pinata until they explode."
Reply With Quote
  #61  
Old 09-14-2007, 04:32 PM
Chula0422's Avatar
Chula0422 Chula0422 is offline
Account Closed
 

Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: ```
Posts: 1,724
Thanks: 23
Thanked 26 Times in 16 Posts
Default

This is heart wrenching. I feel so for all that you went through. God bless you and your family! I am 47 and my Daddy is still SUPER DAD in my eyes! It is a special bond between Dad and Daughter! My name is Lauren and my Dad use to tell me "I'd fly to the moon for Lauren Doone. (I think it was meant for Lorna Doone cookies) but I still love to hear him say it. I am glad it is over for you.
Reply With Quote
  #62  
Old 09-14-2007, 05:03 PM
dhookemhorns200 dhookemhorns200 is offline
Banned
 

Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas USA
Posts: 92
Thanks: 0
Thanked 363 Times in 57 Posts
Default

just a little note.. 1st i want to thank everyone for all the positive feedback.. i figure this is the least i could do.. this site and certin people were there for me before i went in.. and i made a promise to keep this journal and post when i came home.. tonights post will be later tonight.. it friday night football here in TEXAS..
Reply With Quote
  #63  
Old 09-14-2007, 05:25 PM
BrandNewGirl's Avatar
BrandNewGirl BrandNewGirl is offline
Loving Life Now!!
 

Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Texas, USA
Posts: 5,462
Thanks: 289
Thanked 212 Times in 122 Posts
Default

And tomorrow is UT football! Hook 'Em! :-)
__________________
"No one is ever completely useless. You can always stuff their butt full of candy, tie them to the ceiling, and hit them like a pinata until they explode."
Reply With Quote
  #64  
Old 09-14-2007, 11:15 PM
dhookemhorns200 dhookemhorns200 is offline
Banned
 

Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas USA
Posts: 92
Thanks: 0
Thanked 363 Times in 57 Posts
Default

august 12,
well a couple more days down and this still isnt getting any easier. saw the kids today. they loooked good. its amazing how they have changed just over the past couple of weeks. blaine is growing like a weed. he has started football practice. says hes lost about 8 pounds. and madison is going to be a cheerleader for blaines team. madison had a bad week at school. donna said 3 days this past week she just started crying all of a sudden. and when asked what was wrong she said i miss my daddy. that hurt me so bad. to put her through this is not acceptable. then a kid told blaine he heard i was in jail. and blaine told him no i was working out of town. this just is not fair to those 2 kids. you would think parents would raise there children better than that. donna says she is still getting the stares and whispering when she walks by. i really belive if it wasnt for those kids id would kill myself. then this shithole here is unreal. i had a female co hit on me today. GROSS. she is about 3 of me. fat cow. got in a argument with these assholes in here also about the tv. i need some english tv bitches. so i took that bitch off the wall and held it as i watched the news. fuck these asshole this is america and the language is ENGLISH. so learn it assholes. this place is hell on the mind. makes you appericate the small things in life. sucks having to go to the restroom in front of 7 other guys. then you got 3 fuck faces in here that think it is ok to go to the bathroom while im eating. fuckin assholes .. next time that shit happens im goona lose it. they are all about respect but they sure as hell dont respect me. i cant wait to get moved to another pod. hopefully with ALL ENGLISH speaking people. i really just cant handle these guys. they are different from the hispantics from america.

just spoke with donna she was being a bitch. she is stressing out and taking it out on me. bills are coming due and she dosent have the money. but not much i can do from in here. i know its hard on her. and i know i should be more understanding, but she should also. i will really be shocked if she dosent divorce me while im in here. shit i dont even want to think about that...........

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK......the preacher just came and got me... Grandama is gone.. WHY WHY WHY me GOD.. am i not suffering enough. this hurts so bad. this is the one thing i didnt want to happen while i was in here. i cant belive this shit. I pray and i belive and look what happens. i dont understand GOD why are you doing this to me. ive got more than i can truley handle enough is enough.. i think im gonna run out of tears before i run out of time in this fucking hell hole.

GRANDMA,
please know how much i loved you and will continue to. im so sorry for letting you down. i know your in a better place now. with grandpa and dad. ill never forget you. the talks on your front porch swing when i was 7 trying to act all grown up.. the horses we rode on those crisp Kentucky nights. and how you were always there for me and my family no matter what. i love you and miss you. ill see you soon..

i cant do this any more. bye......

personal note-- this night i considered suicide for a long time if it had not been for a shake down i think i would have gone through with it. losing a loved one while being in jail is 100 times worse than being free. you cant really morn or greive. to this day i have yet to come to terms with her death.. and i still miss her more and more everyday
Reply With Quote
  #65  
Old 09-15-2007, 05:46 PM
Sammy's Girl's Avatar
Sammy's Girl Sammy's Girl is offline
My ❤ is in Cali Moderator

Pumpkin Hunt Participant 2014 

Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Oregon
Posts: 2,371
Thanks: 384
Thanked 963 Times in 658 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by dhookemhorns200
personal note-- this night i considered suicide for a long time if it had not been for a shake down i think i would have gone through with it. losing a loved one while being in jail is 100 times worse than being free. you cant really morn or greive. to this day i have yet to come to terms with her death.. and i still miss her more and more everyday
I am sorry for the loss of your Grandma, and I am glad you did not commit suicide. I have lost 4 close family members to suicide, and my two younger children have had serious attempts. You are important to your family and children, and there is a better plan for you and your future.

What you are sharing with us I will always value and appreciate, thank you so much.
__________________
.
>
.
CDCr kicked him out of the SHU, YAY!!!
.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Sammy's Girl For This Useful Post:
GreenEyedFire (08-14-2011)
  #66  
Old 09-15-2007, 08:32 PM
dhookemhorns200 dhookemhorns200 is offline
Banned
 

Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas USA
Posts: 92
Thanks: 0
Thanked 363 Times in 57 Posts
Default

THIS IS NOT A JOURNAL ENTRY
This is alot harder than I thought it would be for me. The reliving is stressing me out. Unlike you I not only read the journal entry of the certin day but read many days in advance. And some of the reliving is more than I really want to bare sometimes. I have noticed that after a post I will be either real angry of very depressed. Espically after yesterdays post ive been unbearable to live with and very isolated from my family and friends. Alot of the guilt I felt then is coming back and some of the insecurities I had then seem to resurface after reading my journal. At first I didnt really understand why Friscolady said it was so hard to relive the prision life, but now I understand it 110%. I want to continue my posts and want to be able to be 100% honest in my postings even when there are things Id rather keep inside. This is a release for me and I enjoy being able to help others, but right now I am going to take a few days to come back down. One thing that I have noticed since this has begun even though your home, YOUR STILL CONFINED IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. Thank you all for the support and I will be back soon..
Reply With Quote
  #67  
Old 09-15-2007, 09:19 PM
Chula0422's Avatar
Chula0422 Chula0422 is offline
Account Closed
 

Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: ```
Posts: 1,724
Thanks: 23
Thanked 26 Times in 16 Posts
Default

So understandable! You take what ever time you need. If you cannot do it then we thank you so much for the incite you have shares already! You are number 1 do what is best for you! God Bless you
Reply With Quote
  #68  
Old 09-15-2007, 09:28 PM
BRWNIS's Avatar
BRWNIS BRWNIS is offline
FOREVER 100,FOREVER TRUE
Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: TEXAS,USA
Posts: 836
Thanks: 221
Thanked 232 Times in 142 Posts
Default

Yes, it is very understandable and you should take as much time as you need. This in it's own way is your therapy, and therapy can be hard at times. In some odd way, that shake down was a blessing, in it's own way, it kept you here, where your family needs you. Be blessed and prosper.
__________________





It is what it is...........
Reply With Quote
  #69  
Old 09-15-2007, 10:54 PM
FriscoLady's Avatar
FriscoLady FriscoLady is offline
Account Closed
Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Out there somewhere
Posts: 9,629
Thanks: 2,289
Thanked 2,385 Times in 1,088 Posts
Default

dhook,

I am glad you are going to take a break.

Wanting to get this out, and wanting to help others I fully understand.

One thing I hope you keep in mind is this - on what level you want to deal with reliving this is entirely up to you - if the pain becomes too much - there are other ways to release it. You will find your release, and as long as that release is positive and does not come as a negative form - you and your loved ones will benefit from it.

As I said I cannot write about my experiences, because the pain and the anger, and yes the grief comes storming back in a flood and overwhelms me, so I have to find other ways to deal with it.

I let mine go is small spurts - like a teapot coming to a boil - just enough to keep the pressure off of me. Even four years after my release, I have good and bad days with the memories of that period of my life.

Someone recently asked me a question about the women's prison here, and I could not remember how that particular situation was handled. I was upset with my self, till another staff member pointed out that it is a good thing that I could not remember, that I was forgetting things, because I was moving on with life and looking forward not backward on a hard time of life.

Maybe you are going through something similar.

Take you time - and if you find that you can come back and finish your journal - great! But if you cannot - do not feel bad about it - there are other ways to help both yourself and those who face what we already have. Know this though you have already helped immensely - I for one can tell you that your postings have helped me deal with some recent problems.

Either way, you are a strong individual for doing what you have, and I can tell you right now, four years farther out from release than you - if you keep going as you are now, life is going to get better. There will be hard days, but there is truth to the saying that time heals.

Patti
Reply With Quote
  #70  
Old 09-16-2007, 01:21 AM
Anjewel's Avatar
Anjewel Anjewel is offline
Sun Dried Georgia Peach
Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Central Florida, USA
Posts: 4,165
Thanks: 1,504
Thanked 2,979 Times in 1,421 Posts
Default

And, most people wonder and look so frigging amazed when you here someone say,

I'd rather get the death penalty.

I have watched over the years...I guess just a little too closely sometimes for my own good, but THESE THINGS RIGHT HERE is why 'enough is never enough' for me.

I get so lonesome, I get so tired of hearing it sometimes and then there are the mood swings (yes, even after all these years as there are different phases with maturity) and even now, sometimes I cry from pure confusion and heartache that NOTHING can put a 'fix' on...but, something literally HOLDS me. And, I can not tell you what it is...

There's the good things...the look on his face every time he walks into the VP, the appreciation in EVERY THING I do EVERY TIME, there's the little boy fascination in the things I say or do...and there's also the man he's grown into and I have witnessed the changes, and the realness (this is hard to explain, maybe some of you can understand)...and really too many things to list.

I just know he needs someone. And, I guess this is why 'I waste my life on something I can never have'.

I am so grateful that SOMEONE is able to do this, even if only this much. I can feel the turmoil and I know I will never feel YOUR pain, but my heart just aches when I read these things. And, I am renewed in the choices I made so long ago.

I thought I was pretty hardened to this hell...but, your journal entries are so confusingly clarifying. I can't put my finger on just one thing, it's just there, everything all at once.

I went through some therapy a few years back. It was pretty much ugly and took about three years. My family thought I was going through menopause as I was one moody irritated wench...but, I took my time as I didn't KNOW I was supposed to or had a time frame (I really didn't realize I was going through a healing process), but I think an important factor FOR ME AT LEAST was that I didn't push or felt like I was being pushed and I was READY.
Even though I have never been in your shoes, I'd still say...take your time and don't push...that's right, not even to get that journal posted.
__________________

It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society. - J Krishnamurti

'Why' must almost always override 'how'. - Anjewel

DEDICATED TO THE ONES WITH NO VOICE
Reply With Quote
  #71  
Old 09-16-2007, 01:26 AM
Anjewel's Avatar
Anjewel Anjewel is offline
Sun Dried Georgia Peach
Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Central Florida, USA
Posts: 4,165
Thanks: 1,504
Thanked 2,979 Times in 1,421 Posts
Default

In case it wasn't real clear...that was my long winded way of saying

THANK YOU SO MUCH!
__________________

It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society. - J Krishnamurti

'Why' must almost always override 'how'. - Anjewel

DEDICATED TO THE ONES WITH NO VOICE
Reply With Quote
  #72  
Old 09-16-2007, 03:49 AM
2Lovebirds's Avatar
2Lovebirds 2Lovebirds is offline
loving my caged bird
 

Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Oregon USA
Posts: 1,091
Thanks: 82
Thanked 73 Times in 45 Posts
Default

DHook~

Thank you so much for posting your journals! I can only imagine what it's like inside and you have helped me so much, the wife of a convict. My husband tries to 'spare me' as he puts it(bet that sounds familiar?). Plus he can't say what's really on his mind, like you were able to in your journal. Every time he calls me it's like everybody he says is listening in on your conversation. We have over 6 years left to go and he gets so scared and worried about everything. At first the guys would say stuff like "Oh she'll leave you, they all do" or "She's going out and having a 'good time'" all sorts of garbage that isn't true. My husband was in jail many years ago(when we weren't together) and his mother died of an unexpected heart attack at the age of 53 while he was there. He told me how he flipped out, he's the oldest child and wanted to arrange the funeral and they wouldn't let him go........he said it took 6 CO's to hold him down, he was so upset and pissed, then they threw him in the hole. He has never quite come to terms with it, either. Just remember, it's not your fault that your grandma died while you were in there. No, that doesn't make it hurt any less. We all make mistakes. I love my husband and stand by him no matter what anyone says.

If you are ever able to post from your journal again that would be great! But we will understand if you can't. Just what you have posted so far has given us an insight into the hell-hole that is prison. Thank you again! Hope you and your family are blessed.

__________________


Love is patient, love is kind. Love never fails.
Reply With Quote
  #73  
Old 09-18-2007, 06:50 AM
BrandNewGirl's Avatar
BrandNewGirl BrandNewGirl is offline
Loving Life Now!!
 

Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Texas, USA
Posts: 5,462
Thanks: 289
Thanked 212 Times in 122 Posts
Default

D~thinking about you..simply, I hope you are feeling better today. Wish we could all get together like that time at your house for the Texas-OU game..wings, pizza, beer...

One day things will be different..you and B, having gone through the rough stuff, will be back on top. Can't stop you two!

Hang in there.

Nance
__________________
"No one is ever completely useless. You can always stuff their butt full of candy, tie them to the ceiling, and hit them like a pinata until they explode."
Reply With Quote
  #74  
Old 09-18-2007, 01:37 PM
yaya'sbaby yaya'sbaby is offline
Banned
Donation Award 
 

Join Date: May 2006
Location: NY.
Posts: 6,555
Thanks: 1,714
Thanked 2,169 Times in 884 Posts
Default

Great thread D.
Reply With Quote
  #75  
Old 09-18-2007, 05:16 PM
sanchezct's Avatar
sanchezct sanchezct is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Southern Califorina
Posts: 1,747
Thanks: 147
Thanked 167 Times in 122 Posts
Default

This is interesting
__________________
Loving you since 1991
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Dad Finally Came Home, and It's NOT Good! (A Lil Long) PalmviewPrincess Now That Your Loved One Is Home... 23 01-01-2008 11:24 PM
I'm finally DONE and starting to find myself California Sunshine When the Relationship is Over... 37 09-24-2007 09:41 AM
he came home 4months ago and I couldn't be happier....finally ksykes250 Now That Your Loved One Is Home... 38 01-25-2007 12:29 PM


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 09:46 AM.
Copyright © 2001- 2017 Prison Talk Online
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Website Design & Custom vBulletin Skins by: Relivo Media
Message Board Statistics