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Wives & Girlfriends in Prison For everyone who has a wife, girlfriend, or female partner incarcerated.

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  #1  
Old 10-24-2014, 10:31 PM
victorluvzamy victorluvzamy is offline
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Default Life after prison

Hello everyone. I'm new here. My fiance is incarcerated in TDCJ since January now. We had some issues before she was locked up. She had a drug issue and it lead to fights. She was very physical at times but I never got that way with her. I was about to end our relationship just before she got picked up on a revoked probation warrant. I guess I'm wanting to know if anybody has experienced anything like this? She is due to come home probably in the summer of next year. Will she be coming home more angrier? Will she be changed for the better? She swears up and down that she's finished with drugs and claims to read the bible and attend church in there. But I read some article that all inmates say that and that everyone one of them finds God in there. Probably because there's nobody else to turn to. I've never experienced with drugs so I'm not of that world. I always wanted her to stop. Will she still love me sober? I fell in love with her and I didn't want us to split up. But I got tired of struggling to keep property in the house. She would sell everything for her drugs. Something keeps me here though. I refused to give up. And something still keeps me here at bay. I can't let go and I still love her dearly. I see something good in here and I just need it to come out. She has very little patience and a very short temper. Any input would be great from you guys. I'm doing time out here with her and I feel very trapped and sad. Thank you. Let me know if you think she'll come out a 'good woman'.
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Old 10-24-2014, 11:49 PM
jeswannabhiswyf jeswannabhiswyf is offline
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Hi victorluvzamy. Your question exudes love and concern, however, this is an impossible question to answer. Whether a person changed for the better or not fully depends upon that person and whether they've reached that point or not. Most inmates claim they'll be different once they come home. Some are. They improve their behavior, attempt to right their wrongs, and become exemplary citizens. Yet many come home and go back to their same old ways. It's especially easy for those with addictions to relapse.

Running with the same crowd, keeping the same so called friends, frequenting the same places, and having the same dreams and aspirations are normally (not always) tell tale signs that they will go back to their same old ways, but you'll only see this once she's home. Having a great support system, a set of goals, and seeking counseling could help a person recovering from addiction.

She could definitely use your support. Best wishes
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Old 10-25-2014, 01:08 AM
victorluvzamy victorluvzamy is offline
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Thank you for your response. There's nothing more that I want than help for her. We've been together as a couple for about a year before she was incarcerated. For several of those months she was sober and it was the best time in our relationship. We are great together in everything we are doing. Whether it's cooking, visiting family, hosting parties here at home, at the beach, just everyday life. It's just wonderful and perfect. We see everything the same way and agree on everything. She would relapse on here pipe when she would think about this jail time coming. We knew it was coming. We knew she was wanted. So she would tell me that she relied on her drug to calm her down because she couldn't take the fact that she would be away from me because of her past. I hope this is true. I hope it was just for this reason and she doesn't need it when she comes home. I don't think I could handle it if she would continue. Bottom line is I see a great woman outside of the drug use and without the drugs, it's pretty much heaven on earth. Thank you again. And thank you for talking to me. This has not been easy and most people don't understand. You would not believe how times a week I hear "Well go get you another one, get you one that isn't broken". It's heart breaking but I need to follow my heart. And it's pointing to her. Thanks again.
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Old 10-25-2014, 06:35 AM
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Well, you have a 10% chance of her staying sober; that's about all. It's the general percentage of all addicts who get sober after jail/treatment. You have a very hard fight on your hands.

If she's joined an NA or AA group while inside, if she's talking about not God, but how to keep a network of sober friends, if she's figured out her triggers and gotten advice on how to redirect her urge, then she may make it. If she's relying on her 'feelings' about staying sober (mostly because she hates where she is right now), then the odds drop.

I can't really give you more help than that, except for this - following your heart without input from your head is fatal. Hearts don't think. You can love her from afar if she is dangerous to you, but never allow her into your life in a way that will permit her to damage you.

I've lived a fairly long time now, and I've had experience with all sorts of addicts - booze, pills, injectables, smokeables. Only two of those I still know about have gotten sober. More are dead, and most are just shambling through life leaving a mess behind them...
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Old 10-25-2014, 06:56 AM
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Everyone seems to find faith of some sort while inside and gets a bunch of certificates through correspondence courses as 'proof' that they were bible'd up...which is why the Board puts little stock in those claims. While few admit to it, most are of a 'show me and prove it to me' mindset...

As to relapse post-release, the key is to get them to avoid the old social circles. I have had more than one instance of people I worked with getting out and being find UNTIL they went back to an old neighborhood or got around old friends who quickly sold them on the notion that 'ah hell, one hit won't hurt you...' Next thing you know, the relapse is full-on and on the fast-track back to court on yet another criminal charge.

They will make all sorts of justifications, but the bottom line is that they valued that next high above everything else in their life EVEN IF they know the consequences include loss of relationships, jobs, homes and a return to prison.

Another common denominator we have seen is that there is often an underlying mental health condition that they are using dope for in an attempt to compensate and self-medicate. Often it is either ADHD or Bi-Polar...trust me when I tell you that trying to find a specialized treatment provider is FAR less costly long-term. The problem is convincing someone to accept such a diagnosis and stick with the treatment...

Good luck...
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Old 10-25-2014, 01:07 PM
victorluvzamy victorluvzamy is offline
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Originally Posted by CenTexLyn View Post
Everyone seems to find faith of some sort while inside and gets a bunch of certificates through correspondence courses as 'proof' that they were bible'd up...which is why the Board puts little stock in those claims. While few admit to it, most are of a 'show me and prove it to me' mindset...

As to relapse post-release, the key is to get them to avoid the old social circles. I have had more than one instance of people I worked with getting out and being find UNTIL they went back to an old neighborhood or got around old friends who quickly sold them on the notion that 'ah hell, one hit won't hurt you...' Next thing you know, the relapse is full-on and on the fast-track back to court on yet another criminal charge.

They will make all sorts of justifications, but the bottom line is that they valued that next high above everything else in their life EVEN IF they know the consequences include loss of relationships, jobs, homes and a return to prison.

Another common denominator we have seen is that there is often an underlying mental health condition that they are using dope for in an attempt to compensate and self-medicate. Often it is either ADHD or Bi-Polar...trust me when I tell you that trying to find a specialized treatment provider is FAR less costly long-term. The problem is convincing someone to accept such a diagnosis and stick with the treatment...

Good luck...

Thank you very much for your input. And I kind of knew about the underlying mental issue. And I really figured this was the biggest reason for her use. I feel she's bipolar because of her sudden mood changes from one second to another. It was like black and white. I know what I'm dealing with now more clearly. She has also made me aware of such triggers. She made it clear that we needed to avoid those. So I know she wants to make some sort of effort but I can only imagine how difficult it may be. Again, thank you for chiming in.
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Old 10-25-2014, 01:17 PM
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I'm going to take this from a different direction:

If you want her to succeed, you need to start hitting some AlAnon meetings, really seriously. Her best bet for sobriety is if you're on board with it, doing what you need to do so that you can help her maintain her sobriety. There's a lot for you to learn, OP, if you want to help her stay sober and deal with everything. You need to learn about enabling and denial and everything else you can and have done to allow her to stay in her addiction.

You're also going to have to deal with that domestic violence issue; sober or wasted - nobody has the right to get violent with another human being. That she's going to that extreme is not good.

If you're doing the church thing as well, you might want to schedule some counseling time with your pastor to talk about this relationship and setting limits, and sobriety and things like that. You were on the verge of breaking up before she got caught (and I'm assuming she had a FTA and warrant and wasn't bothering to take care of her shit in court before she got involved with you); you need to deal with all of that, and come up with some limits and boundaries.
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Old 10-25-2014, 01:59 PM
victorluvzamy victorluvzamy is offline
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Thank you again. Forgive me for being naive. I don't understand what AlAnon is. I'll be frank. I'm a drinker but not a heavy one. I drink social but I have no issues going without. I don't feel I'm addicted, I don't start shaking or freaking out. But I do enjoy drinking. If it means I need to stop completely, I have no problem with that. And she has told me that drinking is the beginning of her stuff. And it made her want something stronger. So yeah, I'll do whatever and attend any meetings. Thank you for your information.
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Old 10-25-2014, 03:48 PM
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Dude, the AlAnon and NarAnon meetings are for those who love an addice. The addicts themselves go to AlcoholicsAnonymous or NarcoticsAnonymous. Very different ideas and approaches and targets. They can help you understand the behaviors and manipulations that addicts put you through, how to avoid being codependent and enabling.
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Old 10-25-2014, 03:57 PM
victorluvzamy victorluvzamy is offline
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Okay, I understand. Thank you I will sign up right away. I know of a few locations nearby that I've seen just driving by. Thanks again
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Old 10-26-2014, 08:01 AM
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I think the Nar-a-non meetings will help you understand a bunch of the behavior you have described (mood swings, violent outbursts, extreme highs and lows)
Those could also be the behavior of someone with mental illness as well, but she would need to speak with a counselor or medical doctor about that.

If you live in a semi populated area, Nar-a-non meetings should be plentiful and there could be several places during the week that a meeting will be available to you to attend. (morning, afternoons, evenings)

If she has told you that alcohol is a *start* of a ride for her, you may need to re-think your own drinking as well. But thats not really what your talking about, so I'll leave that
here is a link that can give you info about the whole thing
http://www.nar-anon.org/
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Old 11-11-2014, 02:16 PM
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I just found out it's gonna be mandatory for her to attend all that as a parole requirement. She tells me she knows the twelve steps by memory and all of it is just repetition to her. I told her she needs to apply the program and live by it, not just know what it's about. I can't make her want to be drug free but how do I approach this knowing that she's pretty much bored with those programs? She tells me she's stopped in the past because she wanted to. Not because of classes. I'm lost because I need her to want to get out of all that. She tells me she loves the feeling she gets when she's high and that it's the best feeling in the world. I figured being in there 10 months already would make her change somewhat. I guess I'm terrified that she'll use again and I'll lose her indefinitely. What do Y'all think? Should I run for the hills? I close friend of mine told me once, "Oh you need a relationship, not a project." Your input would be great. I lose a lot of sleep over this shit.
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Old 11-11-2014, 02:41 PM
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The NA or AA (as appropriate) is a standard component of the substance abuse caseload and is often even required for a period on non-drug releases. The problem with many areas is that the program the agency will refer them to is often filled with a room full of other releasees who just want to find their next fix or know how to beat the current testing regimen.

If you are lucky, you can find programs closer to home that are comprised of persons who actually give a damn about kicking their addictions. The agency will accept ANY AA or NA program in the area. My ex tended to do best with the lunchtime program precisely because it was comprised of people who had a problem but also had much to lose, so they were trying to take their sobriety seriously.

If she cannot tell you that she is ready to do whatever it takes to avoid EVER coming back to prison, then you have potential cause to be concerned. I have someone I speak with on a regular basis at a Gatesville area unit that says the right things, but their record still leaves cause for concern. The question is one that cannot be conclusively answered until they are out, although it would appear that they actually are more mature as they near 30 as compared to the late teens when they committed the conduct that resulted in confinement. They haven't been in the whole time (probation violator) but have seen people released and returned just in the short (three or so years) period she has been locked up. But while time will only tell, she at least seems to be saying the right thing whereas it sounds like your fiancee comes across as someone who will be looking for a fix inside of a week out of prison when the harsh reality of life comes home to roost.
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Old 11-11-2014, 03:16 PM
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Thank you for voicing out. I go see her every weekend and she does tell me she'll do whatever to not go back. I met her when she was 29 and she is now 32. I'm hoping she's growing out of 'party' mode as she has stated in her letters. But then again, I figure inmates will say anything while they're cornered in there. So I guess time will tell like you say. And the only reason I can't let go is because I've seen her sober side and she's a wonderful person geared to family and a strong devotion to God. She can practically recite the entire bible to me. She always sends me verses of encouragement and such. So again, thank you.
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Old 06-23-2015, 09:48 PM
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Thank you for voicing out. I go see her every weekend and she does tell me she'll do whatever to not go back. I met her when she was 29 and she is now 32. I'm hoping she's growing out of 'party' mode as she has stated in her letters. But then again, I figure inmates will say anything while they're cornered in there. So I guess time will tell like you say. And the only reason I can't let go is because I've seen her sober side and she's a wonderful person geared to family and a strong devotion to God. She can practically recite the entire bible to me. She always sends me verses of encouragement and such. So again, thank you.
An addict, when their "drug of choice" is removed from them, will simply go to another type of addictions, e.g. drugs, alcohol, Jesus, sex, shopping, eating, or whatever can get them where they want to go. Both physically and mentally. The Jesus thing is a common occurrence in prison, but it doesn't last once released. In your original post, you really came on strong about how bad she is and what bad things she has done, and then put yourself in a "guy in the white hat" tone. Like you're to be complimented for how you do and do for her, and she is still all messed up, but you love her anyway. It makes you feel good about yourself and so I question the validity of your post and subsequent posts. I think you are seeking positive attention by pointing out negativity in another and how you have sacrificed and will remain faithful no matter what. Sounds like bunk to me.
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Old 06-23-2015, 10:44 PM
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It's not my intention to negate the good advice others have given you, but I want to add that in my experience it is better to assume people will change and do those things they claim they will. If she says she found God and wants to live a wholesome lifestyle free of drugs, then it is your job to not only believe her but to also approach it with genuine enthusiasm. That is if you really love her. Will she fail? Who knows, but when you love someone you hang by their side through thick and thin and help them in their endeavors. You don't cast doubt or insert negativity on their abilities, sincerity, or desires.

An example would be my own wife. She has cerebral palsy which adversely effects her mobility and balance. She cannot ride a bicycle, yet she wanted to ride a motorcycle like I do. I bought her a 3 wheeler and taught her to ride. Now she has a motorcycle endorsement on her license with no restrictions. To this day she's logged over 20,000 miles on it. When you love someone you let THEM set their own limitations, you don't set their limitations for them with doubt and negativity.

You might think that is not the same thing as someone wanting to change their life by leaving drugs behind and living a Godly life. But you would be wrong because the principal of support is the same. The seed of meaningful change has been planted, so step up and nurture it. Forgo the statistics and negativity and focus on her goals. If she stumbles or their is failure at some future date, save it for the future. The present is not the time for dealing with what has not happened yet. I hope this make sense to you because I believe it is very important to those desiring change. When people have confidence in us, that is when we overcome and become our best.
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Old 03-27-2018, 09:59 AM
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It's not my intention to negate the good advice others have given you, but I want to add that in my experience it is better to assume people will change and do those things they claim they will. If she says she found God and wants to live a wholesome lifestyle free of drugs, then it is your job to not only believe her but to also approach it with genuine enthusiasm. That is if you really love her. Will she fail? Who knows, but when you love someone you hang by their side through thick and thin and help them in their endeavors. You don't cast doubt or insert negativity on their abilities, sincerity, or desires.

An example would be my own wife. She has cerebral palsy which adversely effects her mobility and balance. She cannot ride a bicycle, yet she wanted to ride a motorcycle like I do. I bought her a 3 wheeler and taught her to ride. Now she has a motorcycle endorsement on her license with no restrictions. To this day she's logged over 20,000 miles on it. When you love someone you let THEM set their own limitations, you don't set their limitations for them with doubt and negativity.

You might think that is not the same thing as someone wanting to change their life by leaving drugs behind and living a Godly life. But you would be wrong because the principal of support is the same. The seed of meaningful change has been planted, so step up and nurture it. Forgo the statistics and negativity and focus on her goals. If she stumbles or their is failure at some future date, save it for the future. The present is not the time for dealing with what has not happened yet. I hope this make sense to you because I believe it is very important to those desiring change. When people have confidence in us, that is when we overcome and become our best.
Thank you very much. I've been feeling this way since we met. My mentality is a positive one, constantly telling myself 'there's got to be a way'. I am inspector in petroleum refineries here in South Texas by trade. I've been doing this so long that attention to details and problem solving has become first nature for me. She tells me that I'm either black or white with no grey area. I tell her that I'm logical and real. If it's broken I can probably fix it. If it's not normal, then what can I contribute to make it normal? Etc... I guess you can say I sorta have a not giving up attitude till it's right. Thank you very much for your input. It put a lump in my throat. I'm not saying the other responses and posts are useless but they all seem to say the same thing... Wash your hands and move on. I can't do that just yet. Something or someone is keeping me here. Thank you again.
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Old 03-27-2018, 10:01 AM
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Thank you very much. I've been feeling this way since we met. My mentality is a positive one, constantly telling myself 'there's got to be a way'. I am inspector in petroleum refineries here in South Texas by trade. I've been doing this so long that attention to details and problem solving has become first nature for me. She tells me that I'm either black or white with no grey area. I tell her that I'm logical and real. If it's broken I can probably fix it. If it's not normal, then what can I contribute to make it normal? Etc... I guess you can say I sorta have a not giving up attitude till it's right. Thank you very much for your input. It put a lump in my throat. I'm not saying the other responses and posts are useless but they all seem to say the same thing... Wash your hands and move on. I can't do that just yet. Something or someone is keeping me here. Thank you again.
Also, kudos to you and your experience of standing by your wife who you believe in.
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