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  #26  
Old 01-24-2006, 11:24 AM
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hello,

i can't say that i know exactly what your going through because i haven't been in your situation, but i can surely understand how your feeling....even for those that have been out here i'm sure there are moments in time where we can all relate to your frustration....don't give up sweetie....i know this world we live in can be so judemental and very unfair...but surround yourself with positive people who support you and understand....the PTO family is a great place to start....you won't find a more supportive group of people anywhere!!!!!! Believe That!!!!!
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  #27  
Old 04-04-2006, 02:13 PM
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No you are not crazy I have been in prison and some times I want to go back. at least there I had freinds and I did not have to do much but I don't want to go back my famly abanend me and I have no frends and I am alone all the time
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  #28  
Old 05-06-2007, 01:17 PM
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did 23 1/3 yrs. been out sonce 12/00, I still feel like I want to be back inside, In the last couple of years, I feel more and more like this. Yes in a way it's easier inside, but many ways harder. Inside I made a difference, I wazs a Jailhouse Lawyer, and a very good one, out here I feel useless. I'm Homeless, jobless, and not be choice. Every employer I've had a job with, except 2 have stolen from me. My last helped in my current situation. No one really wants to help us, except us. No one 4-gives you for your crimes, not society. I still feel like I want to be back in, why. We are taught to thiunk a certain way inside and when we get out, we find noone thinks like us, except for people like us. Society, in general has No Honor, loyality and many need to do time themselves. last week I had the Police callered on me 4 times because people want to dip into business that don't concern them. Then when I want to take care of business myself, (I don't call the police), people want to cry about it. Like in prison when the guards search your cell and destroys pictures of your wife and children and then want to cry when ya go up side their head. Society wants to treat us like crap, and then cry about what happens. Yes I still feel the same way, for me I can benifit my brothers more from Inside because of what I do, then out here. It won't ever go away.
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  #29  
Old 06-08-2007, 10:45 PM
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No you are not the only one. Iwas just released from the colorado department of corrections. It seems as if I cant find a single person who can relate to anything I say or do. Its funny the way people look at me all crazy when i say something or do something so i have just kind of stopped talking to these people out here stopped trying to relate to people who think i am crazy or weird or just a fuck up. When i was in locked up at least we all understoos eachother. It's strange to think about how much prison became my everstuff. And somehow I closed out the world so much I dont know how to get back in it. Mabie we can talk to each other because I so understand how you feel..............
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  #30  
Old 06-30-2007, 11:46 PM
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I can somewhat understand, how you feel. Now that I'm an exinmate myself, but at the same time..I would never want to go back.
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  #31  
Old 08-19-2008, 02:32 PM
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all the time i spent in prison i spent sleeping, reading (lots of reading!),thinking about and planning for the future, when i would be free. i had everything worked out and i knew exactly what i was going to do and how i was going to do it. i had so many dreams and plans. ive been out a year now and everything is wrong. im not where i figured i would be in life and i haven't done anything i had planned and none of my dreams have happened. and just recently everything has come crashing down on me, the reality of everything, of life, and it sucks because i knew what i was going to do and i knew that i could do it. but i haven't done it and i feel like i can never do any of it. it was so easy in prison, i had no bills or responsibility's and no worries and i had my dreams, ideas and plans and everything was going to work out and be good. now i have to work and pay a myriad of bills and worry about probation, random piss tests,
meetings and relationships. i have no time to read or plan or dream and it sucks. i have those same thoughts. it would be easier to go back and spend the rest of my life behind a 40 foot wall, disconnected from the world and all its stresses. but that would be the weak thing to do and i always told myself when i was locked up especially at the beginning that if i could get through this i would be able to get through anything.
life is a bitch.
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  #32  
Old 08-21-2008, 02:48 PM
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Many do after being released and are the ones who go back in. Just decide you want to be free
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  #33  
Old 08-22-2008, 12:47 PM
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Life is filled with choices. I perfer the problems out here over the proceived lack of stress in prison. For me it was more stessful, lack of sleep, bad food, constant noise and lights, and all the drama.

Yes, I do not have as much time to read or knit but every morning I wake up and feel blessed to not be in there.
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  #34  
Old 08-22-2008, 02:10 PM
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Wow, I can't believe how long it's been since I wrote the original post! I've been home for 5 years now...it's hard to believe. I can't say that sometimes i don't wonder if it would be easier, but it would take a lot for me to go back in there. I have a wonderful career as a union electrician, i have a loving wife and a beautiful daughter. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I'm actually trying to look into going back to the florida prison system to talk to other women who are going thru pre-release, share my story and let people see that it's hard as hell, but if you stick to it you can make it after prison. I want to thank everyone who has replied over the years to this post. It's meant a lot too me.
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  #35  
Old 08-22-2008, 07:35 PM
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Bravo for you JJ-J21956!! Glad to hear it has turned out posative for you. Prayers coming your way for you would be a blessing to those women in pre-release, letting them know about what you went through and your experances.
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  #36  
Old 09-12-2008, 06:34 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by samruger View Post
life is a bitch.

So true. Regardless of being a ex-con or someone who has never been in trouble. Life in general, is a bitch!
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  #37  
Old 09-12-2008, 06:53 PM
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Life can be good and Life can be bad..But know that Your life is mainly based on WHAT YOU MAKE IT TO BE. But I will say Life is a B!Tch!



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So true. Regardless of being a ex-con or someone who has never been in trouble. Life in general, is a bitch!
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  #38  
Old 09-18-2008, 06:34 PM
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These posts are old but it grabbed my attention because I know for a fact that my husband has a difficult time on the outside. I have a lot to say about this topic so bare with me. He does weird little things like for real dominating the TV more than it just being a guy thing and I think it goes back to him having what he watched controlled by the prison. He really resents me asking him to come home right after work and wanting to know where he is, because it feels too constricting to him like prison. He lacks coping skills so he is easily frustrated by what most of us accept as what is normal in life. He always fantasizes about winning the lottery or hooking up with some old rich lady so he won't have to work. When he has problems at work he thinks about how much easier it would be to just go back to prison. I believe that even though he has to get along with others in prison; that in prison there is a code of what to do and not do and what to say etc. Out here the rules are not understood by most like in prison. He has to deal not only with men but with children, and women and measure up at work---pressure to be productive etc., and the communication is with the person who signs your check. All of that is a lot...overwhelming. He has so many people to be responsible to. Once he told me that he did not want to be with me because he does not want the responsibility. I told him that I will worry about supporting myself, and that he does not need to carry that burden, and that it takes money to survive...cannot eat for free etc,so why not live with me and enjoy fantastic unconditional love while he pays for his own stuff. What better deal is there? I think he just wanted to come and go as he pleased and when all was said and done...I figured out later that what he really meant was that he wanted to be able to go back to ecaping from life with drugs without being harrassed by anyone or feeling guilty bc he was responsible for someones heart, bills, etc. I love him more than I should probably...put him before things that I shouldn't. I am aware of my obsession and yet like any addiction I rationalize it all. Does anyone out there get the "YOU are enabling him" speech? I believe that this world does not know the difference between enabling and loving someone regardless of their faults. Enabling seems to have become a buzz word that is used when people are not able to wrap their mind around why I and others like us on the PTO stand by our loved ones while they are in prison. I just do not have a "us and them" mentality. A lot of people who judge believe that all that are in prison are guilty and low classed scum. They live in an idealistic society where cops are all good guys and don't participate in illegal activity themselves, and justice is always served. They are hypocrits and do not realize that we all have sinned and fall short and that those on the outside are not necessarily more innocent than those on the inside and that just because I did not do what Tom, Dick and Jane did...does not mean that I am any better. Remember if you hold malice and hatred in your heart for others, you are no better than those guilty of a crime on the legal books, and in some respects may be worse off. I pray for those who come home and struggle to live out here. It is hard for everyone. My sweetie told me since he has been in that he thought that since he had such a terrible childhood that he deserved to be able to enjoy life and do as he pleases and get high etc. He said he has since learned that nearly everyone in prison has suffered child abuse and other horrible things and that he found out that while he may be special to God, he is not unique in his problems and that his past does not give him a ticket to be irresponsible and hurt everyone he loves. I think ther may be hope for him afterall.
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  #39  
Old 09-25-2008, 11:38 PM
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I find myself wishing I was still in FCI Sheridan, but for a pretty unusual reason.

I've been afflicted with a condition that affects my joints, making most movement painful (i.e., standing, walking, etc.) I walk with a limp and I am now unable to do almost any kind of work. I am low/no income and have no insurance so I've had to go to the "free" clinics to try to get help.

GOOD FUCKING LUCK!! I first developed this condition in March and goddamnit I STILL don't know what it is, as I've been dicked around from March until now by the free clinics.

I remember I used to think that the medical care in FCI Sherida was atrocious (as did many others). It was so "bad" that many inmates had to wait a month or two to be seen, and were writing their state Senators to get them involed.

Jeez fucking Louise, I WISH that I'd only had to wait a month or two to be seen by a doctor, rather than the 6 I've been waiting on the streets!

I've contemplated getting myself intentionally violated just to be able to see a doctor, as it would be ALOT faster than it's been for me on the streets.
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  #40  
Old 09-26-2008, 07:30 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JJ-J21956 View Post
Wow, I can't believe how long it's been since I wrote the original post! I've been home for 5 years now...it's hard to believe. I can't say that sometimes i don't wonder if it would be easier, but it would take a lot for me to go back in there. I have a wonderful career as a union electrician, i have a loving wife and a beautiful daughter. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I'm actually trying to look into going back to the florida prison system to talk to other women who are going thru pre-release, share my story and let people see that it's hard as hell, but if you stick to it you can make it after prison. I want to thank everyone who has replied over the years to this post. It's meant a lot too me.
I read this post with alot of interest since my daughter still has 3 years to go. I can't help but wonder what 5 years or more of institutionalization would do to any one. For her, it was prison or continue on the downward path of drug addiction. Prison in many ways saved her life. As hard as it is to leave after visits and listen when she is down, I remind myself that at long last, I have my daughter back from the demons of meth addiction.

She has gotten her GED while in, taking correspondence classes, has taken classes and was teaching assistant and now works on the Public Works squad and loves getting "out" of the environment. By next summer she will be in pre work release and that is what we look forward to.

JJ-it was disheartening to read your first several posts but I was compelled to keep reading and very glad that you are doing so much better and have stuck it out. My daughter is always very inspired by the ex inmates who come in to talk and tell their stories. She also talks about wanting to go around to the prisons to share her story. Not only would that help others but I think it will be theraputic for you as well. You have the power to make that happen..even if you can change one persons attitude..right now in Florida they claim that 1 out of every 3 end up going back..those are some real bad odds that you can help change.

Would love to hear that you have made strides in sharing your story to others. Best success to you JJ!!
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  #41  
Old 09-26-2008, 09:38 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 28421-112 View Post
I find myself wishing I was still in FCI Sheridan, but for a pretty unusual reason.

I've been afflicted with a condition that affects my joints, making most movement painful (i.e., standing, walking, etc.) I walk with a limp and I am now unable to do almost any kind of work. I am low/no income and have no insurance so I've had to go to the "free" clinics to try to get help.

GOOD FUCKING LUCK!! I first developed this condition in March and goddamnit I STILL don't know what it is, as I've been dicked around from March until now by the free clinics.

I remember I used to think that the medical care in FCI Sherida was atrocious (as did many others). It was so "bad" that many inmates had to wait a month or two to be seen, and were writing their state Senators to get them involed.

Jeez fucking Louise, I WISH that I'd only had to wait a month or two to be seen by a doctor, rather than the 6 I've been waiting on the streets!

I've contemplated getting myself intentionally violated just to be able to see a doctor, as it would be ALOT faster than it's been for me on the streets.
I really hope you find you answers what is wrong with you causing you so much pain. .I have two friends that have the same symptoms you describe( one more and one the same) they were diagnoised with loopus(dont know if i spelled this correct) I had never heard of it before my friends said they have it--they said its hard to detect --dont know why and one works in the medical field. Not saying thats what is wrong with you and I hope it is not could be a number of things,,and no picking up a charge and going back in is a really bad ideal,,you must be in a lot of pain,,Out here I see your problem but eventually you will be helped( have faith stay strong) and good luck-- oh by the way my friend from cali with loopus she always says( jeez louise ) when she gets upset,,she always has me rolling
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  #42  
Old 10-15-2008, 05:00 PM
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i have been in and out more in than out since i was 12 i ended up being charged as an adult when i was 15 i am now 17. and just got out 6 almost 7 months ago. thats the longest time i have ever been out. and i have been feeling like i should just go back to jail. its so strange to be out. i am on probation for the next 5 years. and it is harder to be out. when no one under stands you. when you can't get a job. and if it wasn't for my family i would probably be back by now.
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  #43  
Old 10-15-2008, 07:41 PM
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Leach. Life is hard even for us who have never been in. I just went out to start my car and it won't start. If I can't drive, I can't get to work. If I can't get to work, I can't feed my kids and keep my apartment. No I do not have friends or family that can help. Yes it is hard. My husband is over 1,000 miles away and I pray he does not pick prison over me bc I have stood by him and cooked for him and rubbed his feet and gone to drug rehab appts and meetings, and have kissed his tears whenever he felt like a failure. He has told me that I am the best thing that has ever happened to him. But he also told me several times that my asking him where he is going and what he is doing makes him feel like he is in prison again and that he might as well be in prison if he has to tell his whereabouts all of the time. I guess it boils down to what you get out of life on the outside. If the work involved in living out here..working and being responsible and paying bills is more than the love and rewards you are receiving, then I am sure it is not motivation to stay out. You said no one understands you. What are you trying to communicate that they do not understand? When you were in, what sorts of things do you remember missing? Did you miss being kissed, hugging, looking at girls, being able to go to a movie and eat popcorn, go to the beach, have sex, know if someone died in your family that you could go to the funeral if you wished, be able to pick up a phone and talk when you wish, be able to choose to have a hamburger instead of Raman noodles,go fishing,ride a bike,feel needed, be depended on. Maybe feeling depended on makes you feel pressured. You should look at it as someone needs you and looks to you for help and probably offers you something in return. What is it mainly that bothers you so much about life out here. It is really hard. I was just thinking to myslef as I was standing in the dark trying to place the positive jumper cable on the car battery and it has a side post and very very little room, that my life sucks. Then I realized it doesn't really. I do have a roof over my head and I can see and can hear and although that may sound really lame, it is important to think about. I mean how difficult is life already without say some major issue like not being able to hear and having to communicate your needs. I had to stop myself when I was cussing up a storm and really feeling stressed to the max and tell myslef that if I want to I could stop right at that moment and take a deep breath and look up at the stars in the sky and feel the night air blowing my hair and look at my son and see him watching me to see how to handle such a situation when he is a man and has to deal with lifes stresses. Perhaps that is where we learn what our breaking point is. From our parents and perhaps it is the reason a lot of people do not cope with life very well. I just choose to see all the beauty and freedom and know that love and life is worth all the work and that if I had to live life behind prison walls it would be like having 1/2 of a life with only 1/2 of the enjoyment and 1/2 the freedom. There is always a trade-off. Work much and be able to play and enjoy and yet if you take prison you may not have to work at a paying job but you have to work to a certain degree in there as well. Maybe it is the job of survival and after a while you learn the game so it becomes second nature. Maybe if you tough it out and learn the game of how it works out here long enough and it also will become second nature. No pain. No gain.
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  #44  
Old 11-24-2008, 12:31 PM
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100% REAL...
I think always be there, because a part of me, stills there, for ever. I dont know about that part, i dont know if is a good part or evil part, but i know still there.
maybe that the reason why we want come back.. perhaps, thats not good idea.. and lives in my mind, the idea really exists.
i was inmate in durango jail, under the arpaio´s system, i tried to use that experience to learn, how to live outside, with another viewpoint about world, outside remains the same, ouside changes, you must try that changes dont carry inside again... watch the sky, breathe the air, and feel the difference, remember you wondering fell the rain drops falling on your head, and the only thing you got was a guard spotlight brighting in the cell. the worst of libertys, is better than the best of jails.
sorry for my english, im from argentina
daniel cavalieri
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  #45  
Old 11-25-2008, 10:23 AM
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I think that anything you feel after prison, regardless of how strange it may seem to you or to others, is valid and legitimate and you should allow yourself to feel it. I've been out almost a year now, and I've never once wanted to return and never will want that. However, I DO understand how it feels to be out here and not feel truly free.

The social structure is pretty well stacked against ex-cons, and I know that first-hand. I've had a hell of a time keeping a job because of my past. I'm lucky to have a supportive family or I'd be living on the streets. If it weren't for them, for the blessings God has shown me and for my meds, I'd probably be dead already.

All I can say is this: You lived through something harder than most people will ever live through. Build on that fact and on your strength and you will get through this. And, no matter how much you feel isolated out here, you really don't need to go back inside. That ain't no life, man.
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  #46  
Old 04-10-2009, 11:59 PM
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There are times I wish I was back in jail since it's the only time I'm clean. Everyone in my family is doing time right now on various convictions and I got a burglary warrant out at home. I know if this catches up with me, I'm going down for at least 12 years. But I can deal, because being locked up is the only time I feel normal. Then again, convict blood runs through my family's veins. My daddy says our family crest is prison stripes.
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Old 04-11-2009, 12:56 AM
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Quote:
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Hi. There will probably be some people that read this and wonder If I've lost my mind. Sometimes I think I have myself. But anyways what I wanted to know is this. I've been out for 14 months from Floridas DOC. But sometimes when I get depressed over things, like not being able to find a job, support my family, being judged and looked down upon, etc. etc., I find myself wishing that I was back in FLDOC. I know that I never want to go back really, it's just that it really was easier in there. There was so much that you didn't have to worry about. Like all of the things that I mentioned above. When I start to feel that way I begin to feel guilty. Because I think about all of the people I know that are still in there and are never going to get their freedom back. I feel like I'm taking my life for granted. Even though in my heart I know that I'm not, I'm just depressed. Does anyone else ever feel like this? Or am I really just crazy?
This is common! Depression happens and you just need to give it more time,thats all. You deserve happiness and joy in your life. you did your time. now its time to work through your issues,slowly and find yourself again. Prison changes you, for the better, you have new views and ideas about life. Its hard work and determination but you will come to it. We are all human and its a tough,real world out here. Stop and smell the roses, life is good,just find the goodness!
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