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Friends & Families of Addicts Information for coping, dealing & living with a loved one's addictive behavior.

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Old 09-21-2011, 04:28 PM
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Default Enabling, and how awful I feel right now

Well, this is my first post in this forum... My LO is in jail for a crime that isnt drugs... He was on drugs when he allegedly did his crimes, however, that is certainly not an excuse...

So these last six months have been pretty rough for me, needless to say... Im alone... Im broken, and ive had nothing but alcohol (until very recently) to lean on for support since everything happened late february...

Well, long story short, he plead guilty the other day... i met with the lawyer today about a letter that i am writing to help with the PSI... and there it was... he said that i was being "downplayed" in the PSI because he didnt want to highlight me as an enabler...

i have always contended that we were, codependents, of sorts, and i knew that we both needed help... and all of a sudden he has been in jail for 6 months and he is clean, and, until recently, i was drinking through this time... and all of a sudden i am the problem in the situation... i am the enabler... the lawyer told me that it wasnt all my fault, but everything leads to the fact that if i wasnt enabling him, i might possibly not be in this situation...

what do you do with that in mind? how do you deal knowing that you were a majority of the problem?

i know we all have our problems... we all have dysfunctional families or abuse in the early years that contribute to the present... but how do you deal with the idea that you were part of the problem? part of the crime?
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Old 09-22-2011, 04:28 AM
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I dont think you should beat yourself up over this, you didnt put the drugs in his body, he did that, the same as you chose to drink.
You didnt deliberately enable him to be a drug addict, he has to take responsibility for his part in this.
I think you should congratulate yourself on being clean. Work towards the future and try and accept that you cant change the past you can only learn from it. I wish you both the best for the future
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Old 09-22-2011, 07:27 AM
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First of all, you can only take responsibility for your drinking. You cannot take responsibility for his drinking. It is possible that you were both enabling each other, but, it is unrealistic for you to blame yourself for the majority of the problem.

Your drinking is part of your problem. His drinking is part of his problem. You did not commit the crime. He did.

It would probably be a good idea for you to go to some Al-Anon meetings. I can guarantee it will open your eyes wide.

Do NOT blame yourself for what he did.
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