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Old 10-20-2011, 04:10 AM
NeverHappen2Me NeverHappen2Me is offline
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Default Haven't Talked to ANYONE About This... Need Help NOW

Wow... I stumbled across this website while I was googling, "In Love With a Crack Addict" to get advice. Thank God. I am so confused and beside myself I don't know what to do.

I met my boyfriend on Facebook a little over a year ago. He was a personal trainer, and he was gorgeous. You would never think that he had a drug problem. We started dating and it wasn't until about two months into a WHIRLWHIND romance (just the most loving and wonderful relationship I had ever been in in my entire life) that he told me he'd be 'right back' after I had given him $400 to send his mother for a new bed that she needed (later found out that she DID in fact need the bed, and he had every intention of getting it for her when he first asked for the money, but that crack addiction got a hold of him, triggered by the fact that he had $400 burning a hole in his wallet). I fell asleep waiting for him to come back and didn't hear from him for about 24 hours. That was the day I found out that he had an addiction. When he finally called, he said that he ran into some trouble and that he needed $60 to pay some people back or they were going to hurt him, if I wanted him to be able to come home I needed to wire him the money. I stupidly did so, not having ever been in this situation and not knowing any better, and didn't hear from him again for several more hours. He finally came home crying and hurt, apologizing and saying, "I fucked up... I fucked up... all the money is gone... all of it!" I felt so bad for him, I actually bought him a STEAK (because he looked so skinny and hungry) and told him to take a long shower and go to sleep for as long as he needed to. Ahhh, I remember those days when I felt sorry for him for having this addiction.

For the next 4-5 months I went on the roller coaster ride with him. He would be fine for two weeks, then as soon as I went out of town on business, he'd disappear and not be found for a couple of days. He would never answer his phone when he went on these binges. I hated hearing his voicemail continuously pick up every time I would call. It drove me crazy. But yet, there I would be, calling and calling and calling over and over and over, sending text after text, pleading with him to just come home, there was someone who loved him there, he didn't need to stay out there like that, etc. We had crazy fights (never got physically abusive), but he'd rip his shirt, throw chairs (not at me, across the room) and things like that.

When he was himself, off the shit, he was amazing. He was the most attentive, caring, romantic man I had ever met. He wanted to do everything for me and with me. He told everyone how in love he was with me. He was sweet to me... not mean, not volatile, not irratic. I was falling in love with him fast, and I have never been around addicts, don't come from a family with addicts in it... I was raised upper middle class with great family values and no one went to jail, did drugs, etc. If you met my boyfriend in the street you would instantly fall in love with him. He has a charming smile, he's tall and buff and handsome, and he wins everyones heart. Like I said in the beginning, NO ONE would ever think he was an addict.

He finally said he had to stop. I begged and pleaded with him. I decided to start going to meeting with him... basically, I told him he needed to go, and I was going with him. We went to a meeting every day for months.

I thought he was doing better, but the day before Christmas 2010, my boyfriend left me a msg on my voicemail at 4am. He was in jail, and he had been pulled over for driving and swerving and the cops found crack in his car. Thankfully, they let him drive up into the driveway instead of impounding it, since he was right at the entrance to his apartment complex. I spent $200 to bail him out so he wouldn't spend Christmas in jail.

He said that was his lowest bottom. He was ready to change. We decided to move across country and start a new life to get him away from his old playgrounds and old playmates. He swore and promised me that once we moved, I never had to worry about it ever again. He said that once we moved, no more cigarettes, no weed, no booze, and definitely no crack. EVER ... AGAIN. Those were the conditions of the move. I was ecstatic. This was a big deal because he had been on crack for 13 years, but he had been on weed much longer than that. Its a point of contention with us all the time, because he is of the opinion that weed is ok, it never hurt him like crack has. He says he just always felt good and happy when he was high on weed. He says he never lost all his money like he did with crack, it didn't make him skinny or sick, etc. But I told him that its all the same, these things were all replacements for him being able to deal with his own feelings without the aid of anything else. Feel sad? Go smoke some weed. Feel angry? Go get some wine coolers. Feel depressed? Whoops, there you go on a crack binge. So, no, he couldnt just do a lil weed and it be okay. He finally agreed... to an extent. Enough to stop though.

We moved and moved in with my mother and sister. They had a huge house and needed a man around to help out, so it was a win win situation. Of course, I didn't mention that he was an addict. I explained to him that we couldn't have those crazy fights in my moms house, and he definitely could NOT go on a binge and have everyone wondering where he was, etc. He stayed clean for 9 months. I finally started to trust in him and believe what he said when he said he really wanted a future with me. I started envisioning us really being together forever. We applied for an apartment together, and the DAY before getting approved....

He disappeared. I went to pick him up from work, and he wasn't there. They said he wasn't even on the schedule that day. I had dropped him off at 10pm for his shift, and he had walked right down the street when I had driven off, and he found a brand new place to score rocks right here in my new home, the place where it was supposed to be my sanctuary from all that madness. Moving here was supposed to be our refuge.. I was NEVER supposed to have to worry about it again. Hours later (hours of me calling calling calling and texting texting texting), he finally calls. "I fucked up again. I fucked up... will you pick me up?"

When I went to pick him up, he gets in the car and as I'm about to drive away from this gas station, he says, "Wait, pull over so we can talk." I pull over, because I was noticeably upset and probably SHOULDN'T have been driving, and he says, "Look, I'm in some trouble. I need $40 t pay this guy back real quick." I was FURIOUS - "DID YOU REALLY JUST ASK ME FOR MONEY?!?!? ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?!?" He started looking in the glove compartment for my wallet, but I had hidden it. Great foresight! He's not the type to try to hurt me, so he just calmed down and said for me to go ahead and drive home then. I was livid the whole way home, laying in on him HARD. For the first time, I called him a crackhead, told him to fuck off, that I hated him, wanted him gone, couldn't believe he didn't care enough about me to call me on his way to the dopehouse, why didn't he think enough of me to call and let me come pick him up if he was having the urges?

Again he says he will never do it again, that he "just made a mistake" and "its not the end of the world". I felt like he was minimalizing everything and not realizing that it felt like the end of MY world... all the trust and love and respect I had built up while he was clean went right out the window, and he couldn't seem to understand that.

I can't stop crying and obsessing over this problem... he is a functional addict, He doesn't miss work, he keeps up appearances, he doesn't steal and sell stuff to get the money. He works for tips, so its easy for him to have readily available cash. Now I am stuck in between a rock and a hard place because I want desperately to move from my moms house (she is suffocating me and driving me nuts), but I'm scared to move in with him now, knowing that in a week he could be back out there again and I'll be all alone to deal with it.

I love him so much, and I saw during those 9 months how wonderful a man he could be. What a terrific provider and a loving man who was everything I ever wanted or dreamed of. He broke my heart into a million pieces when he did this the last time. I really thought he was done with it. Nothing triggered him, we were happily about to get a new apartment and BOOM, out of nowhere my life is upended.

I will admit something here I haven't told anyone but him. I told him that next time he did it, I would kill myself. I told him that when he was walking to the dopehouse, he should just know that he has blood on his hands because that is the choice that he is making. I am so depressed and hurting right now, and I told him I don't want to have to deal with this again. He is my everything, and if he chooses that shit over me, I will just take it that he doesn't care and I will kill myself before he calls me again to come pick him up.

He says this will stop him from doing it again. That he cant have my life in his hands and screw up. He says this will prevent him from relapsing now. I hope so... for the both of our sakes.

One last thing that hurt me SO bad last night. We were discussing what happens when he goes to get high, because me not ever having experienced anything like that, he was getting frustrated by all my questions. "What do you want me to say? I don't have all these answers for you! How about this. How about we take $20 and you can meet the guy and try it just one time... " I stopped him immediately. "DID YOU JUST SAY WHAT I THINK YOU SAID?!?!? After all this drug has done to you in 13 years, and you would put me on the same path as you've gone?! Are you serious?!" He says, "I was kidding... I wouldn't let you do that. I was being sarcastic! Because you keep asking me all these questions, and you'll never know the answers unless you've been there. And I knew you wouldn't get addicted right away, you're stronger than that." So he contradicted himself. Was he being sarcastic, or was he gonna let me do it, thinking I wouldn't get addicted? I will never do it, I'm not crazy like that.... but I can't thin that he would have actually let me ... if I think that, I can't love him. Because if he would do that to me, he cant possibly love me... or was it the addiction making him say that just to get him back to the dopehouse anyway possible? I fear thats the truth.

I am so confused and sad right now. Constant crying, can't go a day without worrying if this will be the day they cut him from work early and he doesn't call me, instead takes his tips and heads down the street again... It hurts so bad... what do you do when you love someone so much and they can't make the decision to love themselves?!

I know I wrote a novel, thank you for letting me vent. I just am tired of feeling so alone. NO ONE in my life knows whats going on. They all think he is just this stellar great fantastic guy with no issues. I can't bear to tell anyone, because I know they will think I am so stupid. I FEEL stupid. I just want to know I am not alone...
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  #2  
Old 10-20-2011, 04:12 AM
NeverHappen2Me NeverHappen2Me is offline
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Oh, one thing I forgot... When I say to him, "You promised me... you said that when we moved it would be different. You said it was over. You said I never had to worry about it again." he responds, "When I said those things, I wasn't lying. I really meant them." I told him THAT scares me more than anything because that means that he could REALLY mean that he won't do it again when he says that to me today, but tomorrow he does it again anyway... what do you mean, WHEN you said it, you really MEANT it?!
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Old 10-20-2011, 05:27 AM
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First of all, you scare me half to death talking about suicide. Please don't think about ending YOUR life because of your boyfriend's addiction. Before you do that, please use this information:

SUICIDE:
UNITED STATES
NATIONAL
Suicide & Crisis Hotlines
1-800-SUICIDE
784-2433
http://suicidehotlines.com/national.html
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Old 10-20-2011, 05:56 AM
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You need to find and attend meetings.You can NOT manipulate him into sobriety and the next time he uses,it will really send you for a loop that he did not care enough about your very life to stay clean.
Rememeber,he does not care enough about his OWN life to stay clean.Take this from someone who recently had to attend my best freinds fueral due to an OD.
Also know how it is to set your hopes on their staying clean.Been there,done that and will agian.Still,I know enough to know it will be HIS choice to stay clean,attend meetings,go to church,etc...or to use again.So far,it has been use again and prion agian,several times.UGH!!!
Sucks that his father taught him how to shoot up and eventually died as a result of his addiction.
I know it hurts to see them have so much potential,someone who loves them and throw it all away over a drug,but YOU CAN NOT CONTROL THEIR BEHAVIOR!!!
Best wishes and huggs.
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Old 10-20-2011, 06:00 AM
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The road to hell is paved with good intentions. I'm sure he means what says at the time, but addiction is a terrible disease that isn't overcome that easily. And his addiction is certainly not worth you taking your life over. Ultimatums do not work with addicts.....and it isn't that they don't care, its more that the drug doesn't care what it does or who it does it to. Its up to him to stop the behavior and stay away from triggers.

I wish you both the best and hope that he is agreeable to some sort of rehab/counseling on an ongoing basis until he can finally conquer the addiction (by conquer, I mean the mindset to stay clean--once an addict always an addict). Sometimes being supportive means letting them hit rock bottom, even if that means putting them out--and that hurts terribly, but so not worth giving up YOUR life. Take care of you.
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Old 10-20-2011, 07:12 AM
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Seems that I am not the only person who has fallen in love with an addict, my story is similar, all we can hope for is that the person who we love finally sees the light of day and decides that there is a life without drugs and they begin to sort their life out.Read my story and you will see what I mean, yes I got Rachel sent back to prison, and that has hurt me like I have never hurt before, but if it saved her life and gives her the kick that she needed then it will be worth it, yes being in love with a addict is very hard, but there are sucess stories, lets hope we both suceed in turning the lifes of our loved one around. Take care and my prayers are with you
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Old 10-20-2011, 07:18 AM
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I agree about the meetings. Get yourself to one. You will hear your exact story coming out of other people's mouths.
threatening to kill yourself wont help anyone. Not him, and of course not you.
crack is the devil. It ruins so many lives.

Oh, and the meetings Im talking about are Nar-a-non meetings. These are for you to help you!

Im sorry this has happened. Ive been there, done that.
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Old 10-21-2011, 01:58 AM
NeverHappen2Me NeverHappen2Me is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sidewalker View Post
I agree about the meetings. Get yourself to one. You will hear your exact story coming out of other people's mouths.
Guess what? I went to my first Nar-Anon meeting today, and I shared. He came with me for support, and I started sobbing when I was sharing. He shared after me and admitted that he was the "addict" I kept referring to. He started crying when he shared, saying that it scares him too that he used again, because everything was going good, why did he screw it all up in one night?!

It helped me see him cry, because I have never seen him share in a meeting (when we were going to NA meetings together) and I have never seen him cry about his addiction except for the first time I caught him. It showed that he truly had remorse for what happened... for the first time I didnt feel like he was minimizing it all.

Something I heard that REALLY helped me this evening was, "Don't live regretting and resenting the past or being anxious and scared about what will happen in the future. That doesn't allow you to live for today." I have been torturing myself about the past and the future since he relapsed. Thank you all for being there for me to vent and tell my story, I hadn't told anyone and it felt really good to get it out here. You guys told me to get to a meeting, and that helped too. He and I are in a good place right now, and I hope this lasts for awhile. Thanks again.
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Old 10-21-2011, 02:46 AM
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Good to know you feel safe venting here.
Please use caution though.
The addict is a master of manipulation and a sad story.
I love one but know I can not change him,it has to be him taking the steps ,for him and not anyone else.
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Old 10-21-2011, 11:33 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NeverHappen2Me View Post
Guess what? I went to my first Nar-Anon meeting today, and I shared. He came with me for support, and I started sobbing when I was sharing. He shared after me and admitted that he was the "addict" I kept referring to. He started crying when he shared, saying that it scares him too that he used again, because everything was going good, why did he screw it all up in one night?!

It helped me see him cry, because I have never seen him share in a meeting (when we were going to NA meetings together) and I have never seen him cry about his addiction except for the first time I caught him. It showed that he truly had remorse for what happened... for the first time I didnt feel like he was minimizing it all.

Something I heard that REALLY helped me this evening was, "Don't live regretting and resenting the past or being anxious and scared about what will happen in the future. That doesn't allow you to live for today." I have been torturing myself about the past and the future since he relapsed. Thank you all for being there for me to vent and tell my story, I hadn't told anyone and it felt really good to get it out here. You guys told me to get to a meeting, and that helped too. He and I are in a good place right now, and I hope this lasts for awhile. Thanks again.
I'm proud of you and glad you went!
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Old 10-22-2011, 01:44 PM
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Just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for sharing a story I and many here can relate to! Your courage to come out with everything you shared means a lot. Awesome to hear you attended a meeting and everything is slowly coming together for you and your guy. Dealing with an addict is not easy. For those of us who lived it, we can relate. The feeling of disappointment hurts more than one can imagine. Nobody ever expects to "fall in love with an addict" but once you have (as in your case) and mine, you realize its a whole new, different world. You are strong, do not give up on yourself number one. Most of all continue to attend meetings, come here to vent, do whatever you need to do to really realize your life is so precious and get whatever help you need to avoid EVER risking your life over any of this. I hope everything works out for you and your guy. Thank you again for sharing!

Lisa
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