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Loving a Violent Offender Discuss the issues of having a violent offender as part of your life. Please keep in mind that some of us are married to violent offenders. Please remember that these offenders are human, and as such, can change... just like anyone else.

View Poll Results: Are you ever worried he will be violent with you?
always! 16 5.93%
Sometimes 34 12.59%
only when we argue 14 5.19%
never 207 76.67%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 270. You may not vote on this poll

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  #76  
Old 04-20-2015, 05:26 PM
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Originally Posted by proteinmuffin33 View Post
He may or may not turn violent towards u...its not within your control. It's a scary realization tho...
One of the reasons that people who have served time for murder have the LOWEST rate of recidivism/reoffending is that murder is almost always highly dependent on the situation. Im not talking about serial killers or hitmen, Im talking about everyday people who, for whatever reason, commit murder.

I won't go into a lengthy defense of my BF because it's not necessary that anyone here believe that Im right. I will just say that I can not imagine a scenario in which he would knowingly harm me in any way.
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  #77  
Old 04-20-2015, 08:55 PM
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Originally Posted by proteinmuffin33 View Post
He may or may not turn violent towards u...its not within your control. It's a scary realization tho...
How anyone may or may not treat us is not technically within our control. But by using my experience in life and listening to people when they show you who they are I think you can gauge most people fairly accurately.... I have no doubt in my mind, he would never be violent in any way to me!

Also a murder charge is often considered one and done,,,,, they get out and don't reoffend or they die in prison.
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  #78  
Old 04-20-2015, 09:15 PM
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Originally Posted by squeakyswife View Post
Do you ever worrry that he might turn violent with you? My man is in there for murder he has a history of losing his temper. Yet none of his charges are against women or children. My friends and family are worried about this. we met while he was incarcerated so i never knew him on the streets. so my question is should I be worried.
All I can speak to is my own experience. I NEVER thought going in that my ex-husband would be violent with me, but he did. I decline to go into the specific details, but needless to say, the reason he's back in prison is due to his actions towards me. I'm not saying that all violent offenders will always be violent, but I am saying that their past history of violence is one that should be given serious consideration before making the decision to enter into a relationship with them.
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  #79  
Old 04-26-2015, 11:56 AM
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My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 months and about halfway through, he got picked up on a parole violation and sent away for 4 months. We've actually talked about this very issue and discussed how to diffuse a situation where we are both angry and how we can work together to avoid getting to that point.

I have a temper at times and can be just as hard headed as he can. I've actually done the same thing you have as far as deliberately pushing his buttons. He actually admitted today that I have gotten to him a couple times, which was actually news to me. He's got a very tough, cool demeanor at times and doesn't let his vulnerability show. This gets to me sometimes. (We've talked about this as well. I've told him he doesn't need that wall up with me).

I've only seen him incredibly angry twice and once he was mad at me. I know he wouldn't have done anything, but there was a fire behind his eyes and he was cold, but I was also incredibly angry at him at that time too.

We are working on getting to know each other better and in a more healthy manner now that he's been locked up for 4 months. Even my own therapist, who I started to see after he was locked up, has said that I am doing a wonderful job making the most of this situation.

He should get out any day thankfully. Just waiting on room at the halfway house.

The only thing I can say about the whole thing is having honest and open, non confrontational conversations about tough issues and situations you've experienced is the most important thing you can do for your relationship. We had a very rocky first few months we dated/lived together, but through this experience he's a better person and I am too.

I've truly gotten to love him more and more every day. He's the first person I've ever been able to have these conversations with in this manner and the only person I've ever dated that has listened to the very dark chapters of my life without judgment or making me feel any worse about those chapters than I already do.

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I've known my Sweetie for 9 months today. He has never lost his cool with me and I have intentionally said things to see how he would react. Don't judge him for what he use to be. But also be mindful of the fact that anything can happen....and that's with any relationship. Just give it time. Take it slowly. Trust your instinct.

Last edited by OsunMM5; 04-26-2015 at 11:59 AM..
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  #80  
Old 04-30-2015, 09:11 PM
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Originally Posted by squeakyswife View Post
Do you ever worrry that he might turn violent with you? My man is in there for murder he has a history of losing his temper. Yet none of his charges are against women or children. My friends and family are worried about this. we met while he was incarcerated so i never knew him on the streets. so my question is should I be worried.
I don't worry if he will turn violent with me. But it crosses my mind sometime, because of all the years he spent in prison. And you shouldn't be worried. But if you feel you need to be worried. Then maybe it's not best that you remain with him. But you know his background. So it's a possibility that he could turn violent with you. In the meantime pray for him.. And continue to show him that your there for him, and that you love him. And give it a chance if you feel he's worth it. Only you can decide that. Because it's your relationship with him and no one elses. So do what your mind and heart tells you. And blessing to you.

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  #81  
Old 11-06-2015, 03:28 PM
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I put sometimes. He is a violent offender but he has grown up over the past 14 years and shows no hint of repressed violence now. Mostly I worry about it because I am a good worrier! LOL! Really, I do believe it is more my issue than his.
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  #82  
Old 12-01-2017, 09:46 AM
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Nah, even though he's in prison for a violent crime, he was in fact never really a violent person. Now he even became super spiritual and won't even mush a fly anymore, he's the last person on earth to ever hurt me physically.
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  #83  
Old 01-31-2018, 05:26 AM
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Be very worried!! You met him while incarcerated, and he is in for MURDER. You can be with person for years and still not know them, and you never know what he's capable of.
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  #84  
Old 05-14-2018, 09:02 PM
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My guy has anger issues, but I’ve never been scared around him and he’s never given me reason to be...my mom is a little nervous but she hasn’t met him yet and I feel when she does she will relax a bit.
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  #85  
Old 09-02-2018, 05:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dakini View Post
One of the reasons that people who have served time for murder have the LOWEST rate of recidivism/reoffending is that murder is almost always highly dependent on the situation. Im not talking about serial killers or hitmen, Im talking about everyday people who, for whatever reason, commit murder.
A guy from my old church is spending time for murder. He found his brother abusing their father, and he just flew off the handle. Aimed to shoot to maim but missed.
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  #86  
Old 09-04-2018, 01:27 AM
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No And If For Any Reason My Husband Had Anger Issues He Would Of Dealt With Them Before I Would Of Ever Married Him That Is For Damn Sure ..
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  #87  
Old 09-04-2018, 01:33 AM
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Originally Posted by Dakini View Post
One of the reasons that people who have served time for murder have the LOWEST rate of recidivism/reoffending is that murder is almost always highly dependent on the situation. Im not talking about serial killers or hitmen, Im talking about everyday people who, for whatever reason, commit murder.

I won't go into a lengthy defense of my BF because it's not necessary that anyone here believe that Im right. I will just say that I can not imagine a scenario in which he would knowingly harm me in any way.
Totally agreeing with that. Also the second part.
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Old 05-20-2019, 04:47 AM
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Those of us that are deemed "violent offenders" most often have one of two demons we do battle with. It's the ego or it's a mental disorder. I'm considered a violent offender here in Texas. So much so , the district attorney in the county where I committed this robbery in 1997 actually filed a letter of protest against me the last time I came up for parole in 2017. I went back to prison for a technical violation and wound up doing a year and a half. The parole board didn't view me as a threat to society and that is why I'm back out here, thank God. They really sent me back to prison over something that wasn't my fault, but that's my opinion and that's another story off topic.
THERE ARE THOSE TOO WHO SUFFER FROM GRAVE EMOTIONAL AND MENTAL DISORDERS, BUT MANY OF THEM DO RECOVER IF THEY HAVE THE CAPACITY TO BE HONEST. That's a part of "How It Works" which is read at the beginning of meetings in Alcoholics Anonymous. How it works is a part of the Big Book, the text and format of which is A.A. is founded upon or its the foundation that the fellowship is built upon in a manner of speaking.
One of the things that many people have discovered over the years since the 12 steps/12 step programs came into existence (A.A. came along in the 1930s) is that every aspect of life and its problems whether to do with alcohol or drugs can be overcome. FOR THOSE OF US WHO ARE VIOLENT OFFENDERS THERE IS HOPE AND A SOLUTION TO OUR PROBLEM OF VIOLENT BEHAVIOR. THAT SOLUTION IS THE 12 STEPS.
For those that have issues with the ego, one's belief system which is based upon the accumulation of one's experiences in life, is in great need of humility, honesty and most of all open mindedness. I have issues with the ego and for many years. I'm mindful of the fact that all 12 steps have the component of humility in them. Humility is the single greatest tool in the life of a violent offender that can make for a better life and for the lives of others.
There is a woman named Gurumayi Chidvalasananda who is the head of a group called Siddha Yoga Meditation which offers a 12 year home study course for free to those who are incarcerated. They send people into the prisons across the country or at least here in Texas and demonstrate how to meditate as well as hold discussions on what the lessons are about. Her views on the influence of the ego and the part it plays in a person's life are the most comprehensive explanation about what is wrong with most all violent offenders regarding the ego.
Some of us are in need of mental health care on some level whether it include medication, monitoring or both. Mental Health can only do so much, though. If all one does is medicate, isolate and vegetate then, nothing really changes until the dosage is upped or the meds are switched or one throws in the towel and reverts back to the ill behavior that got them in trouble to begin with.
There is work to be done that really works...the 12 steps...embracing HUMILITY.....the willingness to change one's belief system through open mindedness.....understanding how the ego works and the why of it. THERE IS HOPE
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  #89  
Old 08-20-2019, 03:41 PM
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Those of us that are deemed "violent offenders" most often have one of two demons we do battle with. It's the ego or it's a mental disorder.
Interesting... accidents, do they fall under ego, ya think?
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Old 08-20-2019, 03:45 PM
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I'm the violent offender, I don't fear my husband, I fear myself. Not so much as I use to. I've been through a great deal of different rehabilitation programs, anger management courses and simply cared enough to self heal, which has taken years and a lot of time-out, for my self.

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  #91  
Old 08-23-2019, 08:19 AM
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Originally Posted by Firebrand View Post
Those of us that are deemed "violent offenders" most often have one of two demons we do battle with. It's the ego or it's a mental disorder. I'm considered a violent offender here in Texas. So much so , the district attorney in the county where I committed this robbery in 1997 actually filed a letter of protest against me the last time I came up for parole in 2017. I went back to prison for a technical violation and wound up doing a year and a half. The parole board didn't view me as a threat to society and that is why I'm back out here, thank God. They really sent me back to prison over something that wasn't my fault, but that's my opinion and that's another story off topic.
THERE ARE THOSE TOO WHO SUFFER FROM GRAVE EMOTIONAL AND MENTAL DISORDERS, BUT MANY OF THEM DO RECOVER IF THEY HAVE THE CAPACITY TO BE HONEST. That's a part of "How It Works" which is read at the beginning of meetings in Alcoholics Anonymous. How it works is a part of the Big Book, the text and format of which is A.A. is founded upon or its the foundation that the fellowship is built upon in a manner of speaking.
One of the things that many people have discovered over the years since the 12 steps/12 step programs came into existence (A.A. came along in the 1930s) is that every aspect of life and its problems whether to do with alcohol or drugs can be overcome. FOR THOSE OF US WHO ARE VIOLENT OFFENDERS THERE IS HOPE AND A SOLUTION TO OUR PROBLEM OF VIOLENT BEHAVIOR. THAT SOLUTION IS THE 12 STEPS.
For those that have issues with the ego, one's belief system which is based upon the accumulation of one's experiences in life, is in great need of humility, honesty and most of all open mindedness. I have issues with the ego and for many years. I'm mindful of the fact that all 12 steps have the component of humility in them. Humility is the single greatest tool in the life of a violent offender that can make for a better life and for the lives of others.
There is a woman named Gurumayi Chidvalasananda who is the head of a group called Siddha Yoga Meditation which offers a 12 year home study course for free to those who are incarcerated. They send people into the prisons across the country or at least here in Texas and demonstrate how to meditate as well as hold discussions on what the lessons are about. Her views on the influence of the ego and the part it plays in a person's life are the most comprehensive explanation about what is wrong with most all violent offenders regarding the ego.
Some of us are in need of mental health care on some level whether it include medication, monitoring or both. Mental Health can only do so much, though. If all one does is medicate, isolate and vegetate then, nothing really changes until the dosage is upped or the meds are switched or one throws in the towel and reverts back to the ill behavior that got them in trouble to begin with.
There is work to be done that really works...the 12 steps...embracing HUMILITY.....the willingness to change one's belief system through open mindedness.....understanding how the ego works and the why of it. THERE IS HOPE
This!! This resonated with me a great deal and you should be so proud that you have acknowledged and continue work on these issues. I whole heartedly agree with the power of the ego. There are two base emotions from which all other reside. Fear and love. Fear based living promotes ego and all the triggers that come along with it. Love conquers all. The strength it takes to manage demons, ego and fear based emotions is huge. And a daily battle. The ego is a mother effer, and wants to squash love at all costs.
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  #92  
Old 08-28-2019, 03:13 AM
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One of the ways that you can really tell if someone is a violent offender has to do with that old adage "time takes care of all wounds or time takes care of everything" and the fact that over time if someone doesn't put forth the effort to work on their mental health wellness, anger issues, substance abuse, etc....over time and with age, we become worse. We don't mellow with time or age like normal people do, we have to take action to become better. It's not just a "well, I'm older now and things are different." No.....it's not like that with me. I have to take action and stay on top on my ego and my attitude.
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Old 08-28-2019, 12:37 PM
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Daily maintenance of ones self is a must. If we start druggin and hittin licks to make extra money.....well the violence follows. I’ve only known my man sober and after a cognitive therapy program he did in prison. I have never feared him , If he became the person I’ve never known it might be a different answer. We work hard on ourselves and our communication with each other so we don’t find out how bad it can get.
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