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Friends & Families of Addicts Information for coping, dealing & living with a loved one's addictive behavior.

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  #1  
Old 12-17-2011, 03:57 PM
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Default 12 years of heroin addiction...

Well let me give you a little history first I met my now boyfriend 20 years ago in grade school we ran into each other online about a year ago now and started dating about 8 months ago. He is my best friend and my everything. Well when we first started dating he never came out and told me what he was doing like most addicts do he tried to hide it but I always knew something was up. After about a month of dating one of his friends that was also and addict told me what was going on which I kind of already knew from my internet research. Okay fast forward a little ( pretty Much fast forwarding threw what everyone who has loved an addict goes threw the pain the hurt the financial ruins the watching the person you love the most killing them selfs everyday.) MY boyfriend was picked up by the police for VOP. I told him I would stand by his side if he was will to get better and get treatment but if not I need to go my way and he needs to go his I love this man with all my heart but I can not keep on this path with him like he was on for anyone that knows a heroin addict his addiction was up to 90 dollars a day and he was still sick most of the day. Well while he was in a detention facility he was able to tell me a little of why it was and is so hard for him to kick his addiction. A little of the story goes like this Before he went to Boot camp for 1 1/2 year about 3 years ago he was an addict he met a girl and fell in love with her she started using too he introduced her to it while he was in prison trying to fix himself she was in rehab trying to fix herself well she completed rehab and was clean for about 6 months total when one day she relapse ODed and died. My boyfriend has always blamed him self for this and says I killed her along with his friends who openly say it is his fault she is dead I try to tell him not to look at it this way as he was in prison trying to fix himself and she made the choice to use after rehab it was no ones fault. My boyfriend also suffers from scoliosis and depression from seeing his mother murdered when he was 14 years old by his step father my boyfriend is currently in treatment I just guess my questions are now that he will be living with me after treatment what can I do to help make this successful I dont want to baby him as I want him to have to deal with adult situation and scenarios but I dont want to throw him to the wolves either any suggestions would be so helpful we have the ground rule of if you relapse please dont come home until you are ready to be clean again. Oh he also has an 11 year old daughter that is apart of our lives is there any precautions I should take there I have attened some NA meetings and things like that but does anyone have any tips that worked for them. Also with friend No old friends or what should I do about friends? Thank you so much for any answers at all.
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Old 12-18-2011, 01:06 AM
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You need to keep attending the NA meetings. This is going to be a process for the both of you, and it's going to be ongoing. He also needs to attend meetings and therapy and whatever it's going to take for him to remain clean.

What is going to be most important is that HE wants to get and stay clean. You cannot do this for him. You can support him without enabling him, but YOU cannot make him stay clean. The choices that he needs to make must by made by him and not you.

Yes, he will probably need to stay away from old friends that still use, but you cannot make that choice for him. He has to make it for himself. Remember, you didn't cause his problem; you can't control his problem, and you can't cure his problem.
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Old 12-18-2011, 03:55 AM
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Yes,NA meetings and he can start paying honor to her memory by getting claen and living the life she will not be able tolive.Live so that he makes a positive impact on others his life touches.
If he can get clean and talk to kids about the dangers of those choices,he may save lives.
You can't change the past but you can help someone else along the way.
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Old 12-18-2011, 08:49 AM
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You need to keep attending the NA meetings. This is going to be a process for the both of you, and it's going to be ongoing. He also needs to attend meetings and therapy and whatever it's going to take for him to remain clean.

What is going to be most important is that HE wants to get and stay clean. You cannot do this for him. You can support him without enabling him, but YOU cannot make him stay clean. The choices that he needs to make must by made by him and not you.

Yes, he will probably need to stay away from old friends that still use, but you cannot make that choice for him. He has to make it for himself. Remember, you didn't cause his problem; you can't control his problem, and you can't cure his problem.
Thanks so much I know a lot of this will be just being supportive without enabling any tips for having his daughter over I mean if I dont want to be like well if I think ur using your daughter cant come over but at 11 years old she doesnt need that in her life any ideas how to talk to his daughter about it or any support groups she knows daddy gives himself shots and has lots of questions that I dont really know how to answer.
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Old 12-18-2011, 08:57 AM
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Yes,NA meetings and he can start paying honor to her memory by getting claen and living the life she will not be able tolive.Live so that he makes a positive impact on others his life touches.
If he can get clean and talk to kids about the dangers of those choices,he may save lives.
You can't change the past but you can help someone else along the way.
Thank you so much I keep telling to why look in the rear view mirror when the windshield is so much bigger. I dont know if he will ever be able to talk about it or stop blaming himself for what happened I guess it will be a day by day process. My boyfriend is in a halfway house now I have attended a few NA meetings with a friend but he does (my boyfriend) want to continue this with me he says every Sunday and in between if he needs it. I also have set up some thearapy for when he gets out that he wanted and we were talking about the suboxen program his dr wants him to start on it any suggestions on that one?
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Old 12-18-2011, 09:39 AM
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Thank you so much I keep telling to why look in the rear view mirror when the windshield is so much bigger. I dont know if he will ever be able to talk about it or stop blaming himself for what happened I guess it will be a day by day process. My boyfriend is in a halfway house now I have attended a few NA meetings with a friend but he does (my boyfriend) want to continue this with me he says every Sunday and in between if he needs it. I also have set up some thearapy for when he gets out that he wanted and we were talking about the suboxen program his dr wants him to start on it any suggestions on that one?
Let me know how it goes.
Dealing with a herion addict myself (for many years).He may be unable to use right now but I bet the thought crosses his mind a thousand times a day.It is what leads him back to re-incarceration every time.That and the whole institionalization thing.
I pay you both are able to come to the place where the deamons are not dragging you down.Therapy is a great idea if he will allow it.They carry so much inside that just eats them up
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Old 12-18-2011, 10:19 AM
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Well let me give you a little history first I met my now boyfriend 20 years ago in grade school we ran into each other online about a year ago now and started dating about 8 months ago. He is my best friend and my everything. Well when we first started dating he never came out and told me what he was doing like most addicts do he tried to hide it but I always knew something was up. After about a month of dating one of his friends that was also and addict told me what was going on which I kind of already knew from my internet research. Okay fast forward a little ( pretty Much fast forwarding threw what everyone who has loved an addict goes threw the pain the hurt the financial ruins the watching the person you love the most killing them selfs everyday.) MY boyfriend was picked up by the police for VOP. I told him I would stand by his side if he was will to get better and get treatment but if not I need to go my way and he needs to go his I love this man with all my heart but I can not keep on this path with him like he was on for anyone that knows a heroin addict his addiction was up to 90 dollars a day and he was still sick most of the day. Well while he was in a detention facility he was able to tell me a little of why it was and is so hard for him to kick his addiction. A little of the story goes like this Before he went to Boot camp for 1 1/2 year about 3 years ago he was an addict he met a girl and fell in love with her she started using too he introduced her to it while he was in prison trying to fix himself she was in rehab trying to fix herself well she completed rehab and was clean for about 6 months total when one day she relapse ODed and died. My boyfriend has always blamed him self for this and says I killed her along with his friends who openly say it is his fault she is dead I try to tell him not to look at it this way as he was in prison trying to fix himself and she made the choice to use after rehab it was no ones fault. My boyfriend also suffers from scoliosis and depression from seeing his mother murdered when he was 14 years old by his step father my boyfriend is currently in treatment I just guess my questions are now that he will be living with me after treatment what can I do to help make this successful I dont want to baby him as I want him to have to deal with adult situation and scenarios but I dont want to throw him to the wolves either any suggestions would be so helpful we have the ground rule of if you relapse please dont come home until you are ready to be clean again. Oh he also has an 11 year old daughter that is apart of our lives is there any precautions I should take there I have attened some NA meetings and things like that but does anyone have any tips that worked for them. Also with friend No old friends or what should I do about friends? Thank you so much for any answers at all.
It sounds like your b/f has been through a lot and my heart goes out to him. Dear, there is NOTHING you can do to keep him from relapsing. He has to want to stay clean and sober and choose a sober support group to spend time with. All you can do is love him and support him in recovery. If he does not stay clean and sober, it is not your fault.

I would suggest Al-Anon meetings, as they can help you learn a lot from others that may be going through what you are. They suggest attending 6 meetings, before you make a decision whether they are for you or not. Most people attend one and do not go back, because they are not ready to grow themselves. It really is an eye-opening expereince, if you go in with an open heart and willingness to learn about yourself, not the addict, you will feel better and stronger about your situation.

I wish you the best

Peace~

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Old 12-19-2011, 09:18 AM
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Does any one have any tips for dealing with his daughter maybe a book we could read together or a support group? Just wondering if there is anything out there that anyone can suggest I wish she wasn't apart of this but it is to late for that and now she has questions me and he mother take her to counseling but anything else?
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Old 12-19-2011, 09:40 AM
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Does any one have any tips for dealing with his daughter maybe a book we could read together or a support group? Just wondering if there is anything out there that anyone can suggest I wish she wasn't apart of this but it is to late for that and now she has questions me and he mother take her to counseling but anything else?
They have na meetings for youth too.They may be at the same time as the adult meetings but if not,I would still suggest you take her to them.
She will meet other kids that are dealing withl oved ones who have an addiction.She will learn it is not her fault and have a safe place to learn how to cope.
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Old 12-19-2011, 09:49 AM
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Does any one have any tips for dealing with his daughter maybe a book we could read together or a support group? Just wondering if there is anything out there that anyone can suggest I wish she wasn't apart of this but it is to late for that and now she has questions me and he mother take her to counseling but anything else?
Your daughter can attend Al-ateen meetings in your area.
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